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Why do men behave so differently when with their friends?


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First of, I apologize in advance for the generalizations to follow. I do know men that maintain there character and personality when around there friends but I have to say, I have never personally had a boyfriend who has not completely changed when his friends were around.

 

For example...

 

* When I'm with a guy, we will joke around, laugh, talk, discuss. When his with his friends the humour and wit diminishes and the conversation regresses to fart jokes, sexist jokes and schoolboy humour.

 

* A man can seem respectful to women and respectful of you but around his friends will start talking about women differently, perhaps offensively.

 

* Things that are, in my opinion cornerstones of a relationship, like communication etc drop off. Men seem more involved in their bromance than there relationship

 

I think a lot of men actually have more intimacy with there male friends than there girlfriends. They don't want to let there friends down but they can more easily let there partner down.

 

I feel a lot of men change.

 

Do you men feel that women change too? I'm pretty much the same whoever I'm with.

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This means you are surrounding yourself by men who are followers, not leaders. I have noticed this too over the years from weak men and bromances, bros before hoes, etc. are signs of a follower, not a man who truly respects himself, women or relationships. Simply put, these men are conformist insecure asshats. Believe them around their friends...that is who they really are, any pretense to the contrary of how they are around their friends is to get in your pants or to conform to your standards....followers. I have a tough time respecting men like this. I have a tougher time taking them seriously. Therefore, I don't have friends like this. Women can be the same...there are no gender rules for conformity followers.

Best,

Grumps

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I put it down to primal, tribal instincts and it being 'a guy thing'.

 

You know, a kind of "All bro's together" bonding thing....

 

Guys have to take it to a common level.

 

There will always be one who, being sensible and more mature, will eventually distance himself from the ball-scratchers and fart-lighters....

 

I have one.... ;)

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This means you are surrounding yourself by men who are followers, not leaders. I have noticed this too over the years from weak men and bromances, bros before hoes, etc. are signs of a follower, not a man who truly respects himself, women or relationships. Simply put, these men are conformist insecure asshats. Believe them around their friends...that is who they really are, any pretense to the contrary of how they are around their friends is to get in your pants or to conform to your standards....followers. I have a tough time respecting men like this. I have a tougher time taking them seriously. Therefore, I don't have friends like this. Women can be the same...there are no gender rules for conformity followers.

Best,

Grumps

 

Thanks Grumps. That's a strong response. I was always left wondering, 'who is the real person?'

 

Are they being there true selves with me or a pretend version?

With there friends, is this there authentic self or false self?

 

The thing is, at times partners have told me (whether it's a lie or truth I can't be sure) that they only behave that way to 'fit in.'

 

'I don't like football but I need to fit in with the guys.'

'I don't really enjoy drinking but that's all they want to do.'

 

A follower mentality is so deeply unattractive.

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I think men and women both act a little differently when around the opposite sex. I know my GF doesn't talk to me about manicures, buying shoes, and what dresses she likes to wear. Those are the sort of things her and her GF's talk about.

 

You see maybe I am just REALLY weird but I talk to my bf about my clothes, make-up, periods, not EXTENSIVELY but I do talk about them as well as sex, masturbation, opinions on things, jokes etc. I am myself with him all the time.

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First of, I apologize in advance for the generalizations to follow. I do know men that maintain there character and personality when around there friends but I have to say, I have never personally had a boyfriend who has not completely changed when his friends were around.

 

 

Thats because MOST men do that. I think they learned at a young age to "assimilate" with the group they are with to be accepted, and be popular within that group.

 

I have never done this. I also act the same way whether I am with a woman or a group of guys. But because of this I am not as popular.

 

Most groups do not like when someone is different from them. When you have a group of boys, a group of teens, or a group of grown men, and one of the guys is acting as childish and immature as the rest, he tends to stick out like a sore thumb.

 

The same goes when that guy hangs out with women. Just like the OP stated, she has personally witnessed guys change their behavior. Most guys will "change" around a woman because they know that she will not put up with childish antics. Most guys have learned over the years how to flower a woman with charm, compliments, and using words to feed her "bullsh*t".

 

Most women think that these guys are "gentlemen" or suave charmers, and they have no idea that its all an act.

 

This is why I am typically unsuccessful with women in general. Because I am one of those guys that acts normal with a woman. I dont treat her different than anyone else I meet. But from her point of view, I seem like a dull sap compared to all the other guys because she is used to a guy putting on a big production to win her over which of course she doesnt realize is a facade.

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I confess I act a bit different around the girls. I mean, a man doesn't REALLY want to know my boobs are tender or that I am hormonal or that I am upset they stopped making Neutrogena Shine Control pressed powder (they did, and I am!!)

 

I think guys like to do that guy...stuff when with each other (insert Tim Allen Huh Huh Huh here :) )

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Unless he ignores you, acts ashamed or embarrassed of you, or does something hurtful with the guys that would be a dealbreaker... I'd say just learn to appreciate another slice of your man.

 

It has been EYE OPENING since my boyfriend moved into the "bro cave" with three other guys. A little weird sometimes... but mostly, hilarious and fun. Do I want to be there every night? No. But it's hilarious when they start blasting Fergalicious... :)

 

I think when guys have guy time, it's an important way to let go and exist without all the pressures and burdens of life... It's the same how girls need to sit and just TALK for hours.

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From what I've seen, a little bit of difference is normal. I mean, if my guy talked to me the EXACT same way he talks to his male friends, I'd be a little concerned...

 

But what you describe is just over the top and the guy sounds like an immature schoolboy, to be honest.

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From what I've seen, a little bit of difference is normal. I mean, if my guy talked to me the EXACT same way he talks to his male friends, I'd be a little concerned...

 

But what you describe is just over the top and the guy sounds like an immature schoolboy, to be honest.

 

Would you be just as concerned if your guy acted with his friends the exact same way he did with you?

 

I really think most women expect and are almost attracted to men in some weird way when the guy is known to act childish, laughing at fart jokes, and even oogling over other women along with his single friends.

 

Maybe its a comfortable behavior that women accept from their man, knowing how common place it is, and knowing how to deal with it.

 

What they typically dont know how to deal with is the guy that doesnt flip back and forth with his actions/behaviors. Because its obvious most women also see him as the oddball.

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Thats because MOST men do that. I think they learned at a young age to "assimilate" with the group they are with to be accepted, and be popular within that group.

 

I have never done this. I also act the same way whether I am with a woman or a group of guys. But because of this I am not as popular.

 

Most groups do not like when someone is different from them. When you have a group of boys, a group of teens, or a group of grown men, and one of the guys is acting as childish and immature as the rest, he tends to stick out like a sore thumb.

 

The same goes when that guy hangs out with women. Just like the OP stated, she has personally witnessed guys change their behavior. Most guys will "change" around a woman because they know that she will not put up with childish antics. Most guys have learned over the years how to flower a woman with charm, compliments, and using words to feed her "bullsh*t".

 

Most women think that these guys are "gentlemen" or suave charmers, and they have no idea that its all an act.

 

This is why I am typically unsuccessful with women in general. Because I am one of those guys that acts normal with a woman. I dont treat her different than anyone else I meet. But from her point of view, I seem like a dull sap compared to all the other guys because she is used to a guy putting on a big production to win her over which of course she doesnt realize is a facade.

 

 

Hi Male,

 

 

First of all may I say how REFRESHING you are.

 

 

I am always myself regardless of who I talk to. Perhaps I just have a strong character. I think part of being in a relationship involves being authentic. That includes talking about what matters to YOU; your interests, opinions, passions, thoughts, jokes.

 

 

I find men who flip into wildly different (often obnoxious) characters around their friends really off-putting. It seems immature, disrespectful and false. It makes me question who the man is.

 

 

So even if you seem boring to some women, please don't change because your consistency will make some woman very happy.

 

 

I have always wanted a man who will do as he says and say what he does, not wildly oscillate like a woman during her period between Jekyl and Hyde.

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With some women a man feels like he can't breathe or be himself around her. When he gets around the guys all this pent up stuff gets released. The biggest mistake these men make is choosing a woman that won't let him breathe because I am me no matter who I am around but some guys don't make that choice and they need a release valve sometimes.

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With some women a man feels like he can't breathe or be himself around her. When he gets around the guys all this pent up stuff gets released. The biggest mistake these men make is choosing a woman that won't let him breathe because I am me no matter who I am around but some guys don't make that choice and they need a release valve sometimes.

 

I understand that for some men it's definitely a case that there partner is controlling or stifling and the man then needs to let off steam.

 

 

But there are also men who have a wonderful partner and relationship but just change or almost regress to being obnoxious, rude, disrespectful, dangerous, silly.

 

 

Sometimes I think men and women are just not meant to get each other and we are only really meant to meet to breed and then part ways. I just don't change like that when I'm with my friends at all so when men do I find it really strange.

 

 

Almost like they've had to be a fake, more mature person with me and when they are with friends they can revert to being the little boy they feel they really are. It's strange.

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I think that there is more than one side to each of us. It doesn't mean you are being fake, changing or anything like that, just that people are complicated.

 

I agree with both Grump and this.

 

Guys (especially young guys) are going to start making fart jokes and being brutish dolts around each other, because that is a safe place to let that part of themselves out.

 

The key is to look for adherence to the values they have told you they hold.

 

So if a guy says he hates racism and finds it disgusting, but then makes very crude racist jokes around his friends, that is showing you that either he is lying to you about his values, or he doesn't have the capability to stay true to his values.

 

If he tells you he respects women, but you watch him making rude comments with his buddies about women's bodies or worse, directly to women, then you know his definition of respect and yours are very different.

 

If a guy says something offensive around you and you tell him how that made you feel, and he doesn't CARE enough to alter his behavior around you, that is a huge red flag.

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I agree with both Grump and this.

 

Guys (especially young guys) are going to start making fart jokes and being brutish dolts around each other, because that is a safe place to let that part of themselves out.

 

The key is to look for adherence to the values they have told you they hold.

 

So if a guy says he hates racism and finds it disgusting, but then makes very crude racist jokes around his friends, that is showing you that either he is lying to you about his values, or he doesn't have the capability to stay true to his values.

 

If he tells you he respects women, but you watch him making rude comments with his buddies about women's bodies or worse, directly to women, then you know his definition of respect and yours are very different.

 

If a guy says something offensive around you and you tell him how that made you feel, and he doesn't CARE enough to alter his behavior around you, that is a huge red flag.

 

 

This is what I am talking about though. Not so much men who let loose a little bit but men who COMPLETELY change with there friends. I've seen this with every partner I've had almost to the point where they've felt like a stranger. Many of my female friends feel similarly. They don't know/like there partner when they see him with his friends.

 

 

But things like in-jokes, letting lose I don't put in that category.

Edited by Nikki Sahagin
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eye of the storm

I taught my son that certain behaviors were not to be done around women. (sexist, I know but I hate people that just randomly fart and wanted to prepare him in case his future partners felt the same way)

 

I am not a follower. But I also act differently depending on who I am with. My church friends, I don't curse. My male co-workers, well, I curse alot...alot. My girl friends, I talk cooking, kids, pets, wine, shoes (lots and lots of shoes).

 

All of these are just parts of my personality. I chose who I share what parts with. My main core of who I am never changes.

 

My church friends know I curse, but I dont do it around them. My male co-workers suspect that I can talk without dropping F-bombs. And my girlfriends know that I may love shoe porn but 90% of my shoes can be worn in harsh conditions.

 

I would not have a problem if my male partner loved to hang with his buddies, curse at the TV, scratch himself, compare farts, and do other such things. Just like he shouldn't have a problem with me going to a pamper party.

 

To me it is a non issue.

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Booby talk usually gets my attention. I can't speak for every guy though.

 

Yes, we've found your level..... :D

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Would you be just as concerned if your guy acted with his friends the exact same way he did with you?

 

I really think most women expect and are almost attracted to men in some weird way when the guy is known to act childish, laughing at fart jokes, and even oogling over other women along with his single friends.

 

Maybe its a comfortable behavior that women accept from their man, knowing how common place it is, and knowing how to deal with it.

 

What they typically dont know how to deal with is the guy that doesnt flip back and forth with his actions/behaviors. Because its obvious most women also see him as the oddball.

 

Like I said, there is a wide spectrum between a guy who 'flips back and forth' between polar opposites, and a guy who behaves exactly the same way. Yes, I don't want a man who behaves EXACTLY the same way with me as he does with his male friends. I enjoy some 'buddy' things, the inside jokes and shared hobbies and ribbing, but I also want some romance, to be treated like a girlfriend and taken care of in some ways. And yes I would be concerned if he treated his male friends in a romantic manner...

 

I also don't want a man who behaves like what Nikki described. I think pteromom hit the nail on the head re: values.

 

There is such a thing as desiring a balance.

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Observing a guy with his male friends, family, or others he feels comfortable around is the best way to sort out his true values.

 

If he claims to love animals, but totally ignores his friend's dog...

Claims he is a 'relationship' kinda guy, but yucks it up with his buddies about who they slept with that night.

 

I could go on and on... It really is the perfect scenario to sort out inconsistencies in values.

 

As far as the ridiculous fart jokes go, etc... That's just silly stuff. I work around all men, so I am just as likely to join them in the belching, farting contest. And win. at least, when I am not around my BF, lol. When I am around my girlfriends, we go get mani pedis, or whatever (with some of them). Others want to go do active things. Some of my male friends enjoy shopping...yes they are straight. All in good fun. Nothing serious.

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This is what I am talking about though. Not so much men who let loose a little bit but men who COMPLETELY change with there friends. I've seen this with every partner I've had almost to the point where they've felt like a stranger.

 

If they are saying/doing things you find offensive, you need to talk to them about how you feel. If they downplay your reaction or refuse to alter their behavior around you, then you need to move on.

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