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Has this happened to you? Please help!


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Hello,

I am writing in a desperate plea for help. And also warning other guys about the consequences of your actions if you've ever considered or have gotten caught doing this. Last night my girl of 3 years and I went to sleep after a little fooling around (oral). She got some, I didn't. Well she started to go down on me but didn't finish. I haven't had much sexual contact in the last 6months due to a "Close Call" a little while back. Anyway I'm very sexually frustrated at this point and last night I knew I had hit a new low.

 

After fooling around we went to sleep fully naked. We don't live together so when this sort of thing happends I get a little excited. So I start rubbing on her and carressing her lower back and butt. And am extremely aroused at this point so I start doing the deed, with myself, while she is sleeping. So I'm going and going while carressing her, until I'm done and get up to go take a shower. I come back no more than 3minutes later to find her putting her clothes on and getting ready to leave. She was acting very distant at this point, and I was terrified that she may not have been fully asleep like I thought. I took her home and she would barely acknowledge me. I asked her what's wrong and she denied telling me. I begged her to, and she said no, that she would call me later. She Never called. So I did, and no answer.

 

I received a text message this morning from her asking me what I wanted and why I'd called last night. I said because I knew something was wrong. Anyway we kept texting, and I stupidly never admitted to anything until she finally thought I was insulting her intelligence and gave me the option of apologizing. I did so in about 6 full length text messages. She still didn't know what to say and said she didn't want to talk to me for a few days. I pleaded with her to call me so I can further convey my feelings of remorse until she finally did. We spoke and she was pissed. I had disrespected her, and I know that. So she ended up having to get off the phone and she said she would call me when she wanted to talk to me.

 

So my question to anyone who has experienced this or something similar is:

Is this completely wrong and disgusting? Or does that solely depend on your partners outlook of the situation?

I Know she's not very fond of sex and maybe that's the problem. I know If I'd been pleased by her, I would of never felt the urge to do it myself and this would of never happened!

I feel embarassed and like **** for what I did and I ruined the Holiday's for us this year! Any positive advice on what to do at this point would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance!

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Edit: I totally misunderstood your post. :o If you read whatever I wrote before, sorry.

 

I don't see why your gf should be mad at you, and I don't see anything wrong, let alone disgusting, in 'taking care of yourself'.

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First off, man, relax. You didn't do anything wrong. It's your d!ck to play with as you see fit. You went down on her and she didn't return the favor. If she doesn't want you beating off, then she needs to learn to give head or satisfy you in other ways. It's as simple as that and you need to put your foot down and tell her that (perhaps in slightly nicer terms).

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Originally posted by tanbark813

He didn't have sex with her while asleep, he's talking about masturbating with her next to him.

 

I realized that one second after posting, after seeing your first reply.

To the thread starter: my apologies, I'm an idiot.

 

Not only is what he did perfectly acceptable given her lack of interest in him, his girl sounds like she needs to loosen up.

 

I agree 100%.

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I am a woman, and I have to say that if I found out my man had done that, I might be a bit surprised, maybe even a bit annoyed he didn't just wake me up so I could pls him! I'd probably also tease him about it. If I was bothered, or offended he did it while lying next to me, I could ask him not to do it again.

 

But I would most certainly not react in the manner your gf has. It's OK for her to be a bit upset and talk to you about it, and tell you her feelings on the issue, if this is something which does bother her so. In short, to communicate.

 

But this reaction, and not talking etc seems a bit overboard to me, and could stem from her own issues with sex and sexuality. I don't know, i'm just guessing here.

 

I dont think you've done anything disgusting or terrible at all. It's not like YOU knocked her back, and then went and relieved yourself by watching porn or something.

 

Maybe you should have gone somewhere private, I dont know...it just doesn't seem like a huge crime to me.

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OK, if my H did that and I woke up kinda knowing what he was doing, I would take FULL advantage of that hard on!

 

I think she is taking it way too personally and needs to just relax. It was NOT personal against her, you did nothing wrong so don't beat up on yourself (sorry for the pun, lol, you know what I mean though...) and she needs to understand the give and take thing in bed.

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There is a huge dichotomy in views about masturbation. Some women find it an offense to them personally. Others find it completely hot. Your gf is clearly one of the former. I am absolutely the latter.

 

You didn't do a thing wrong, IMHO. She was too tired or too disinterested to let you finish so you dealt with it without bothering her - and then she got ticked! Lovely, that.

 

I had disrespected her, and I know that

 

No you didn't and please promise to never use 'disrespected' again. It's a stupid non-word that's become all too common (and yes, I know it's now in the dictionary but that doesn't excuse it). Talk to her about what she thinks about masturbation. If she's totally against it, you'll have to decide if you can stand being with someone who's so intolerant. Me, I'd run for the hills. There are much more important things to get in a snit about on this planet.

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I appreciate all your posts and advice. I too agree that this was not really a crime on my behalf. I just spoke with her and she accepted my apology, but she's still angry. I think she's freaked out about the whole idea of this going on behind her back while she was sleeping. She said the ****ed up thing about it is that I probably wouldn't of told her If she hadn't waken up. She also made a comment about me being a pervert, which LOL I don't think a lot of guys would deny. The ironic thing is that we we're going to have sex last night, but I couldn't find my rubber pals. Boy things would of been a hell of a lot different then.

It pisses me off that I have to kiss her ass because of something I MYSELF did, which like you guys said has little relation to her.

 

Anyway I think a lot of it has to do with our age. I'm 19 and she is a very young 18. Even though we've had plenty of sex over the duration of our relationship so far, it continues to remain a sensitive subject, as you can all see in this example. It's hard being a 19year old with a girlfriend who hates sex (intercourse). But I've stuck it out this long and will continue too, because I don't believe that sex can make or break a relationship. But I'm open to any more advice you guys have.

 

Thanks again!

Justin

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Originally posted by whichwayisup

OK, if my H did that and I woke up kinda knowing what he was doing, I would take FULL advantage of that hard on!

 

 

Exactly.

 

I guess moimeme is right when she says people have differing view/reactions to masturbation. I don't find it offensive...and if my man were so turned on by me while I was sleeping he decided to touch himself...well, like I said, I would not be angry with him, I'd just hope he'd wake me up so I could join in the fun.

 

But, if it bothers her, that's something to be discussed. Not something you should be punished for, or shut out for.

 

Maybe she doesn't masturbate herself, and finds it offensive. That's part of what you should be talking about anyway.

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Originally posted by shadowsfall

I don't believe that sex can make or break a relationship.

 

 

In time you will realize just how retarded that statement is. ;) Sexual compatibility is a big part of a relationship. Sexual intimacy is just as important to your happiness and survival of the relationship as emotional intimacy or an intellectual connection. They're foundations for romantic interaction and placing an importance on sex doesn't make you a bad person.

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Originally posted by tanbark813

Sexual intimacy is just as important to your happiness and survival of the relationship as emotional intimacy or an intellectual connection.

 

That CAN be true, but I do think it depends on the people and the relationship. Some people have different needs, and sexual intimacy isn't as important as the others. In my case, it is, but I don't think that applies to all.

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Dr. Phil says that sex isn't that important if you're getting it but hugely important if you're not.

 

I don't think that applies to all.

 

Perhaps, but this fellow has already made it clear that he enjoys sex and finds his gf's attitude frustrating. So clearly it does matter to him and therefore this stuff will eventually cause problems IMHO.

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Sexual intimacy is just as important to your happiness and survival of the relationship as emotional intimacy or an intellectual connection.

 

You're right about that Tanbark, but I also agree with Thinkalot, that it depends on the individuals. In this case it would obviously matter more to me than her, so I will wait until she's completely comfortable again.

 

 

clearly it does matter to him and therefore this stuff will eventually cause problems

Moimeme I think you are right as well. I do enjoy sex with my gf very much. I can see how it may cause problems between a NEW couple. But its been almost 3 years now so we are now in the "eventual" stages of our relationship. And it's been about 6months since I've had intercourse and I've survived. I love this girl so much that If it takes me sacrificing my needs because she feels uncomfortable having sex, then that's what I'll do.

 

You guys are awesome, and Thanks again for all the insight!

Justin

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Originally posted by moimeme

 

Perhaps, but this fellow has already made it clear that he enjoys sex and finds his gf's attitude frustrating. So clearly it does matter to him and therefore this stuff will eventually cause problems IMHO.

 

Yes, in this case that is probably true, unless they can find some way to discuss things and find a middle ground which suits them both.

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shadowsfall...i posted my reply, just as you must have been writing yours, and had not seen it.

 

Dont underestimate how much of an issue this COULD become for you. You don't want to build up resentment or frustration towards her. I do think she is acting unfairly...and no sex for 6 months is a long time. I would understand if you had decided not to have sex at all,and wait due to your age, or religious reasons or whatever.

 

I am wondering why she doesnt like sex and feels this way about it. Maybe that's something she needs to sort out herself.

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Originally posted by shadowsfall

And it's been about 6months since I've had intercourse and I've survived.

 

 

I can't say I'd behave the same way in your shoes, but I admire your dedication to your gf. Although, if it's been 6 months since you've had sex, I don't see how she can be upset--or even surprised--that you're beating off. A man can only take so much. :D

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I think her expectations of you are a bit unreasonable also.

 

And you most certainly are showing her a lot of patience and support, which is to be admired. Just don't end up unhappy yourself. You also deserve support.

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Thinkalot, I have thought about it, and I do have a little resentment about her decision to ONLY have sex on her terms. But I think I'm just afraid to approach the subject with her. She's very easily embarassed when it comes to the issue. What pissed me off the most about the whole thing now, is that she said after what happened she's going to be even more skeptical to "fool around". I think I destroyed some of her trust with this incident somehow. I haven't had a chance to speak to her as she is at work but hopefully she will call tonight. Is it that the woman always has the upper hand when it comes to sex? Or is their a way to compomise it? And if so how should I approach her on the subject?

 

note: You are right Tanbark, a man can only take so much. I think she doesn't quite understand the male species very well and it sucks because she's learning the hard way through me.

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shadowsfall, you obviously care very much for this woman, and I respect and admire your dedication to this relationship.

 

To be honest though, she sounds to be quite immature. When I was 18 I guess I probably was too, and I was not sexually active then. The point is, it almost sounds as though she is not ready to be in a sexual relationship. One that is open and loving, and involves give and take. She is viewing sex as something perhaps a bit naughty, dirty..someone a man demands, which she must reluctantly do, even though she is not quite comfortable with it...I'm not sure, that's just how it sounds.

 

If she was comfortable with sex, she would not worry about fooling around. That sounds like something a younger teenager would say. Someone who had decided they were not ready for sex, but felt pressured by the boy to have sex. Because I decided to wait when I was younger, I most certainly felt that way sometimes when I was dating.

The fact she also feels embarassed about it, is another sign, something is not right.

 

The thing is, you say you've been together for years now, and it seems odd she still feels this way, and has this attitude to your lovemaking.

 

I would have to say- talk to her about this! It seems like that may be hard though, because either she is not ready to talk, or is just too uncomfortable.

 

Is there another reason? Has she had a bad sexual experience in her life?

 

And no, women dont always have the upper hand. It's a give and take thing, a giving part of the relationship, that just like other things, requires compromise, love, respect. Ideally if both partners libidos are fairly evenly matched, you can be in sync sexually, and both enjoy and want it equally as much. If not, some compromise is reached...maybe each gives a little in some way.

Talking about sex, and what you like and dont like, is another HUGE part of sexual intimacy. It's what takes sex from being good, to FANTASTIC. Without being comfortable, and able to talk about it, reaching heights of ecstacy can be pretty tough.

 

I would encourage you to try and find a moment, when you are feeling close and relaxed, outside the bedroom to talk about this. If she is reluctant, try and hold your ground, and say, 'this is really important to me, and to us, I'd like you to feel more comfortable, and for us to have more intimacy, and shared lovemaking...." etc etc..ask her why she feels so uncomfortable. Maybe her family would be upset if they knew or something, for example.

 

Point out that you've been together for quite a while now, and feel this should be a natural part of your growth as a couple. Make sure she knows how much you love her and respect her etc, and that you aren't doing it just because you want more physical pleasure. It goes deeper than that.

 

I think having such a discussion is a very reasonable thing to expect. And her refusing too, would be quite unfair on you and your relationship, in my opinion.

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Wow, That is great advice Thinkalot. I think my girlfriend and I are ready for a conversation like that, once she calms down of course. But I mean just the fact she EXERTED that we wouldn't be doing "anything" for a while makes me feel like i'm being punished. And I can't help thinking that things would of turned out differently If I'd found those damn condoms!

 

I think the biggest reason she doesn't want to have sex is because it hurts her. She was a virgin when I met her and has not had any other sexual experiences outside of me. But I mean how can it not hurt when we are only doing it like MAYBE once every 2months, of course its going hurt a little? Before we used to do it a lot more often and she never really mentioned that to me. Another thing I think effects her is that her mother was raped, and her best friend was molested, so this could have some effect on her I imagine.

 

But I think discussing it outside the bedroom is a great idea, away from that whole scene. I guess we need to find a middle ground then, to make sure both of us are in a satisfied relationship. I'm just worried that she won't want to do anything at all anymore because of this, and whatever else that has left her terrified. I don't know I'm just making assumptions now.

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Hi. I think you need to face your fear she may back away from things if you talk. It's a risk you need to take, in my opinion. Otherwise your relationship is a bit unhealthy like this. It's unfair on you to have her reacting the way she does, and using sex as a punishment etc. If she has fears, issues etc, then Ok, show her patience and understanding. But in turn, she needs to show YOU that she is working through these things herself, so she can be a good partner to you...not just sexually, but all round.

 

You dont want this hanging over the rest of your relationship.

 

Sex shouldn't hurt. I remember when I first had sex it hurt a bit, because I was tense. If you are relaxed though, it really shouldn't hurt. So either something is not right with her physically, or, most likely, she is so tense about lovemaking, she tenses up, and then it hurts. resolving her attitudes to sex and sexuality will most likely also make sex a much more pleasurable experience for her, and for you.

 

The more your partner is enjoying sex, the more you enjoy it, in my experience anyway. My fiance also says that to me.

 

There is a chance she wont be ready to hear these things, or capable of seeing things from this perspective. I hope for your sake, she is open minded, and able to see that your relationship needs to move forward in this area, and that a few changes on her part are needed. Otherwise, I think you may end up in a relationship in which you will feel unfulfilled, or resentful...or else, start to feel bad about yourself, because of things she says to you (as in this incident).

 

Good luck with it all.

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I agree and I think approaching the subject with her will be a step in the right direction. I can only hope that she at least tries to see it from my perspective, that's all I can ask. I think maybe a problem could be that she thinks she has more power if she controls the sex in the relationship. I know a lot of women use sex to their advantage, and I know this is one of the things in play here. And like you mentioned before Thinkalot, I know that she does in fact sometimes feel dirty after sex, like she was being used or something. And I think she has this idea in her head that maybe sex is mostly physical and only a little emotional. I don't really know how to change that completely because I know it's in fact the opposite in my case. I do my best to comfort her and make her feel special afterwards.

 

My biggest hope here is that maybe after the conversation she'll be more comfortable with the idea of masturbation. And maybe she'll realize that I only did what I did the other night because I definitely need more action then I'm getting now. I'm not trying to sound like a victim here but I feel like I deserve a little more then what I'm receiving at the moment. And especially since we have this intense indescribable passion. And I know that if we started at least "fooling around" more often or maybe happen to start having sex again, that our relationship would grow even more and that things would be even stronger then they are now.

 

Anyway I hope something good becomes of this. I will definitely post an update on what happened with everything soon. Thanks again for all the helpful advice!

 

Justin

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Good luck! Sex for me is both emotional and physical too...and in a relationship, that's how the balance is usually...although, for women, it's usually more emotional.

 

It's quite understandable you are frustrated.

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