red flags.

[minimariah]

for all of you who got cheated on, dumped & left behind...

 

what were some of the red signs you either missed or ignored throughout the relationship? were there ANY red signs that showed you that this person might not be fully invested OR that this person has that type of character to just not think much about hurting others?

 

thanks.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Sex dropped off. Massive red flag. My drive didn't change, but all of a sudden her's did, which coincided with her new job & the guy she met there & ended up cheating on me with.

[Fleur de cactus]

- There is always gap in the family history, personal background and their where-abouts.

- They keep their cell phones with them obsessively.

- They respond to family emergency and do not want you to go with them ( because it is not family it is a lover they want to meet)

- They don't respond to your phone calls text and will come up with a silly explanation like : the battery died, or I lost my phone.

[minimariah]

Sex dropped off. Massive red flag. My drive didn't change, but all of a sudden her's did, which coincided with her new job & the guy she met there & ended up cheating on me with.

 

were there any warning signs before that she is capable of cheating?

[Clarence_Boddicker]

were there any warning signs before that she is capable of cheating?

 

That's hard to say. It wasn't really a normal situation, there was a big age difference & she was/is basically a pathological liar. Nothing jumped out until the sex ended. I do believe she was done right after she got the job, but kept me around as a backup & to feed her ego.

[runredlights]

This could be the making of a really good thread. I missed signs of her starting to go to bars without out me. I didn't go out with my ex that much on the weekends because I worked weekends. I would seldom go when invited which turned into not even being to events at all.

 

Also, very surface conversations. Delayed texting back on her part.

[Gloria25]

-The guy who left me for the town ho?

 

Red flags was him declaring "love" for me and we only were dating a month. Yes, I liked him a lot and treated him well, but you can't be in "love" with someone in a month. Come to find out he was manipulative and controlling.

 

I spent the rest of our "relationship" trying to prove I did care for him and he slept with the town ho, got a bj from a skank, and threw that in my face and I kept on trying. I suspect he was boinking a couple of other chicks too, but can't say for sure.

 

One time we were going out to the club and he wanted to dictate how I dressed. Mind you, the town ho's "uniform" was heels, tight jeans, and skimpy top.

 

I thought the town ho was manipulating him, but his controlling ways were that I think he felt he could control the town ho cuz she needed a green card. But, at the end of the day, she played him for a couple of bucks, rides here and there, and a leather jacket or something.

 

After he ended things with me and her, again, he married some foreign chick he only dated for 6 months. Again, I think that goes back to his manipulative/controlling ways of holding a green card over her head. But, I'm sure she ended up playing him too.

 

Unfortunately, I couldn't "play" him cuz I am not a skank-ho and actually cared for him...oh well.

 

BTW, I heard through the rumor mill that the town-ho was worried that I was gonna take him from her. Geesh, I was surprised to hear that one.

Edited June 13, 2015 by Gloria25

[autumnnight]

DURING the relationship, I noticed changes prior to him fading out. He didn't respond to texts or calls as often, and didn't call as often. At the time he said it was the new job. The last few times we were together for any length of time, something was "off." He was distant. I didn't ask because I know what it feels like to be hounded, and I didn't want to rock the boat (as a side, anytime you start being worried about "rocking the boat" with someone, it is time to examine in general).

 

Prior to beginning to date him and in the beginning there were no red flags. There was no way to have known.

 

I know people want to believe that all potential cheaters have 666 behind their ear or a hat that covers their horns. They don't. And a faithful wonderful person at 25 can become a cheater at 40. Just like a cheater at 30 can change and become faithful.

[Gloria25]

DURING the relationship, I noticed changes prior to him fading out. He didn't respond to texts or calls as often, and didn't call as often. At the time he said it was the new job. The last few times we were together for any length of time, something was "off." He was distant. I didn't ask because I know what it feels like to be hounded, and I didn't want to rock the boat (as a side, anytime you start being worried about "rocking the boat" with someone, it is time to examine in general).

 

Prior to beginning to date him and in the beginning there were no red flags. There was no way to have known.

 

I know people want to believe that all potential cheaters have 666 behind their ear or a hat that covers their horns. They don't. And a faithful wonderful person at 25 can become a cheater at 40. Just like a cheater at 30 can change and become faithful.

 

Well, sometimes you can't tell cuz I've heard that some men - when they are cheating, they actually wanna have more sex with you. They get hypersexual or something - like the affair/cheating/etc increased their libido or something.

 

And, depends on the type of RL you have. My last FWB, I had no idea he was having sex with another woman until he told me and I don't know why he had to tell me that.

 

Oh gosh, I wonder if that's the whole "hypersexual" thing going on there too...cuz, when we first met, he claims he wasn't getting any from the wifey - to the point where he was becoming hostile at work and in general. And, like I believe that sometimes I was "exit" affair that pushed him to make the decision to divorce her - seems like he wanted to sleep around. Cuz, he didn't tell me about sleeping with someone else until after he filed the divorce papers and pretty much told me that after the divorce he didn't wanna be tied down with ANYONE.

 

Eh, but then cheaters usually lie. Who knows what was the truth there.

 

But yeah, cuz I only "saw him when I saw him", I would have been clueless if he was doing every woman in his city....

[spiderowl]

Yes, he was indirectly responsible through his IT work for detecting someone at work who wasn't doing such a good job. That person got sacked. In itself, that's not a bad thing if the guy who was sacked was damaging the company but there was no indication he was given extra training or anything. The guy I was seeing seemed totally unaffected by the results of his work and it bothered me at the time. Looking back, it was a sign he had little empathy and could be hard towards others. He also had a temper and had to go away to cool down. He never shouted at me or did anything to me but I was concerned he needed time out from me for really minor things. Fortunately, we didn't last long enough for it to turn into anything else, but looking back, it could have been a very bad place to be.

 

Another guy, dating at a distance. Why would a guy want to date at a distance - because he met someone online he really liked? Yes, it's possible but it's also possible he wants to 'play away' because he's got something to hide, like a wife/partner/other women. I never had this confirmed but later on I realised there were red flags - he had two mobile phones, he had 'car trouble', he was 'on call' at work. All red flags in my opinion. Moral of the story is, don't believe a word they say unless you've met them in their own environment and met their friends and/or family. Anyone can say anything online and it's hard to know if it's true.

 

Big red flag - anyone who treats others in a cold way or appears to have no empathy. They can be successful citizens and have achieved a lot, but without empathy you don't know who you are dealing with.

[salparadise]

I've only been cheated on by one person. It was an exit/rebound thing as I was going through divorce... in hindsight, I realize that I shouldn't have been surprised at all given her... shall we say, unique qualities.

 

Disingenuous in interpersonal relationships. Betrayed confidences (by telling things about others). Used sexuality as currency. Hypersexual, manipulative, emotionally immature, dramatic, somatic. Pretended to be highly empathetic (knowing it is a valued characteristic that normal people possess) but the reality was that she severely deficit in that area.

 

She may be the most interesting people I've ever known from a purely academic perspective. Some PhD student should do a case study on her.

[mg101]

nazaninmandi <- Instagram

Miguel

[moys]

He started to pick fights with me constantly toward the end. He didn't like my friends and acquaintances, he hated where I lived, he criticized my long term goals. That's when I should have dumped him.

[Arieswoman]

This was one thing I noticed after we were married and living together ;-

 

Big red flag - anyone who treats others in a cold way or appears to have no empathy. They can be successful citizens and have achieved a lot, but without empathy you don't know who you are dealing with.

 

Also he never argued ( I suspect he was conflict avoidant) and if I got upset about anything walked away.

 

He was a master at snide remarks that really hurt. One day I asked him why he had to be so nasty and upset me? He said "I don't upset you, you only upset yourself".

So in effect he was absolving himself of any responsibility for my feelings.

 

I was a damn fool for staying as long as I did but now he's someone else's problem

[Yummm]

The week prior to her leaving me she was acting more distant, even though she was adamant in seeing me everyday.... When we were together, it was more cold, less affection.

 

My gut was having doubts about her, and whenever I brought them up she would shut me up telling me to stop doubting her. Oh how silly I was...

[Kate1988]

My ex had never had a long term relationship before me; below are some pin pointers that I should have took notice off.

- his mate he lived with warned me that he prob wasn't ready for a relationship

- whilst dating for a few months he had arranged for some girls to stay from Germany (we Australia) at his friends house/ that he met years before we were going out. A lil off as they would all stay up drinking when I would have to go to work the next day and go home ( though he claimed he never slept with her previously those years ago - lies)

- he disappeared for 3 days on a bender in the early stages of our relationship

- he always worked away he would return home and then party during the week that he was off

 

All of the above I didn't pay too much attention too as I was young too (20) and he was 23 but at the time it did cross my mind that this prob wasn't the right behaviour for me but off course I turn a blind eye too it. We eventually stay together and buy a house there was a really good few years where we had so much fun but he did so many things to ruin my trust for me so below is what he did overtime which eventually made me leave the relationship.

- I got sick and the doctors weren't sure if it was PID so I ask my partner if he has ever caught an STD and he said no def not. Later I find an very old message (before we were going out)on his phone from him to a girl stating he had got clamydia but yet when he couldn't admit to it even though it was in the past.

- I found a FB message on his account (after we exchanged passwords) from his sister inlaws sister which stated that his inlaw had text him to ask if he had slept with this girl ana and he told her that he said no! Then they carried onto say what a great weekend it was ( whilst I was home sick and could not fly). When I confronted my then bf about this he denies it all and just said they were talking and lieing on the couch and this girls sister thought they slept together so of course my gut instinct said otherwise even how the message was worded.

- later he would choose his mates over me for example going out with friends instead of coming to presentation night for me

- he would party every weekend whilst working away and phone me at anywhere from 1-4am in morning whilst he was parting drunk saying he's just going to bed. This would often lead to him disappearing over a Saturday / Sunday whilst working away and I would have to track him down through his friends.

- I found sex sights/ dating sites on his emails by chance and told him it was over and off course he denied this too blaming someone playing a prank on him. I said though if that was the case wouldn't u tell ur partner that weirded things are showing up on email. Anyway I gave him another chance under the conditions that he would treat me with respect (things were only good for a month)

- then he would also go out clubbing without me by arrangement choice and would not come home even when I offered to pick him up from town at whatever time.

 

Eventually I got so over this disrespectful behaviour and had that gut instinct like he was never very truthful with me from day 1. I wish I took notice if his original odd behaviour before I spent 4.5 years with him. I'm still trying to get over this whilst still trying to sort out the house it's a nightmare. He still try's to play the good guy and I've caught him since lying to me about things still!!! Once the house is sorted i intend on going Nc and hopefully move on with my life. I'm almost 25 and didn't think things would be like this. It still upsets me to the point where I can think about this and get upset. Please take notice of signs early on. It will save u a lot of invested time and heartache.

[SerCay]

- The fact that his cellphone was forbidden territory (locked, switched off, muted) for me for 4,5 years. < Biggest red flag

- Not involving me in his social life, and not wanting to be involved in mine. Creating an isolated position for me that lasted 4,5 years. Our relationship consisted of meeting each night at 9, 10 and then hang out and sleep and him leaving the next morning.

 

- Always having something to complain about.

 

- Living with his parents at 30 (which in some cases can be acceptable, cause there's a lot of cultures in which this is normal, but definitely not in his case).

 

- Being secretive about his whereabouts, and about who his friends are.

 

- Not wanting to go anywhere with me, because "he was the one that had to drive and he didn't like it". (While it was his car)

 

- Not acknowledging the fact that my house enabled us to be together. Not acknowledging that it cost me money as well, to have him around. In other words, not knowing responsibility.