Feeling isolated

[darkbloom]

I am feeling very overwhelmed today and need to vent. I do realize that this is partly my fault.

 

My friends would consider me the rock in any relationship. I am fairly solid and stable emotionally. As a kid, my parents raised me to always get up and work hard no matter how you feel. I rarely (if ever) ask for help. Everyone knows that I am dependable and reliable. Mostly, it works out great for me. The only thing that truly bothers me about being this way sometimes is that no one (with the exception of my ex) ever just texts or calls me to see how I am doing. They assume that because I am always solid with them that I have all my sh-t together.

 

This last week, I have only had people from work text me or people that need something from me. Today I was just having an off day and hoped that someone would reach out to me just to say hi. No such luck. I don't know how exactly I would go about asking for help or for someone to listen to me vent. My friends are all married or in stable relationships. It's Saturday night and I am home by myself with no plans. I don't expect them to ditch their date night because I am having a bad day. It makes me feel quite isolated. I realize I could reach out to them, but I do not want to interrupt their night or bring them down with my venting.

 

I know it's a silly reason to miss him, but my ex would text me just to see how my day was going. He would listen to me vent and he would be my date tonight. I won't break NC as I think the damage is irreparable. I am just craving that feeling right now from him.

 

Anyone else having an extremely lonely night?

[Gloria25]

Sorry for you having a "lonely" nite...isn't there a song that goes like that? "Saturday night is the loneliest night of the weeeeeek..."

Edited May 10, 2015 by Gloria25

[preraph]

I can totally empathize with what you said about being the rock amongst your friends. I've always been so independent and, well, I guess competent that no one worries about me like I do them. It's caused problems in the past when I did need someone worrying about me and it will no doubt cause problems in the future as I get older. They're like kids who take their mother for granted and just expect her to accommodate them instead of the other way around, despite the fact I've usually been busier than they are with two jobs.

 

I've never been one to really feel downright lonely because I'm just so autonomous, but if the day comes I have to do without my dogs, then I will feel a hole where my heart was. I only hope my mind is gone by then so that I imagine them all by my side -- or that they really are by my side in spirit.

[darkbloom]

My friends do take advantage of it.

 

One of the things that led to my first break up with the ex was that he said he wanted to help me and I never came to him with my problems. He wanted me to be able to trust him more and rely on him. This never made any sense to me. He also lied and cheated during the time he was asking me to trust him more so maybe he was just nuts.

 

My dog makes me feel less lonely. I wish she could talk back, then I wouldn't need anybody else.

[spiderowl]

My friends do take advantage of it.

 

One of the things that led to my first break up with the ex was that he said he wanted to help me and I never came to him with my problems. He wanted me to be able to trust him more and rely on him. This never made any sense to me. He also lied and cheated during the time he was asking me to trust him more so maybe he was just nuts.

 

My dog makes me feel less lonely. I wish she could talk back, then I wouldn't need anybody else.

 

Sorry to hear you are feeling lonely and I think many of us have been there and still are.

 

It is easy for people to take you for granted if you are always solid and dependable. Your ex may have said something useful there. I'm not suggesting you should have trusted him, esp if he was being unfaithful, but never showing vulnerability to others can be a form of defence. Relationships tend to 'deepen' when people can become more vulnerable with each other. When I think of the people I've 'warmed to' and started to trust fairly quickly, it is usually because they have shown themselves to be vulnerable and shared confidences. I haven't always felt that brave at that point so I'm grateful they did. Being invulnerable can be useful at work but in close personal relationships it can be a hindrance. Just a thought.

[darkbloom]

Sorry to hear you are feeling lonely and I think many of us have been there and still are.

 

It is easy for people to take you for granted if you are always solid and dependable. Your ex may have said something useful there. I'm not suggesting you should have trusted him, esp if he was being unfaithful, but never showing vulnerability to others can be a form of defence. Relationships tend to 'deepen' when people can become more vulnerable with each other. When I think of the people I've 'warmed to' and started to trust fairly quickly, it is usually because they have shown themselves to be vulnerable and shared confidences. I haven't always felt that brave at that point so I'm grateful they did. Being invulnerable can be useful at work but in close personal relationships it can be a hindrance. Just a thought.

 

I just saw this reply. My ex was on to something. I did try to let him in. At the time that I was working on myself he was cheating. I did let him too close to me.

 

I was also closer than he ever intended to let me get. I think that may influenced his decision to cheat. My ex doesn't trust anyone. Not even his parents really. I think I pushed too far into his defenses and he wanted control back. It's no excuse for what he did, you don't treat people that you care about that way. But I am beginning to see how much help he needed to seek help for his issues. I am a lot more understanding of the situation now that I have had some time away from it.

 

At my core, I am sensitive and caring and forgiving. On the outside I am the opposite. I am loyal to a fault to the people who have earned it. My ex had earned that type of trust and loyalty from me that I rarely give away. I cared about him in a way that I had never cared about anyone else. I cannot fathom why he would lose that after working so hard to earn it.

 

I had my issues in the relationship but he really broke it with his poor decision making. I'm no saint, but I never did anything to intentionally hurt him or his feelings.

 

I want to believe that he just changed somewhere in the relationship. And maybe one day he can get back to that person he was. Even if it's not with me. I hold out hope and faith in my ability to trust that I didn't make a bad decision.

 

I bet he feels like hell everyday.

[TheMoreYouKnow]

I just saw this reply. My ex was on to something. I did try to let him in. At the time that I was working on myself he was cheating. I did let him too close to me.

 

I was also closer than he ever intended to let me get. I think that may influenced his decision to cheat. My ex doesn't trust anyone. Not even his parents really. I think I pushed too far into his defenses and he wanted control back. It's no excuse for what he did, you don't treat people that you care about that way. But I am beginning to see how much help he needed to seek help for his issues. I am a lot more understanding of the situation now that I have had some time away from it.

 

At my core, I am sensitive and caring and forgiving. On the outside I am the opposite. I am loyal to a fault to the people who have earned it. My ex had earned that type of trust and loyalty from me that I rarely give away. I cared about him in a way that I had never cared about anyone else. I cannot fathom why he would lose that after working so hard to earn it.

 

I had my issues in the relationship but he really broke it with his poor decision making. I'm no saint, but I never did anything to intentionally hurt him or his feelings.

 

I want to believe that he just changed somewhere in the relationship. And maybe one day he can get back to that person he was. Even if it's not with me. I hold out hope and faith in my ability to trust that I didn't make a bad decision.

 

I bet he feels like hell everyday.

 

I too did care about my ex in a way that I had never cared about anyone else before. It makes me think how she just kinda threw everything away. Sometimes you just never know.

 

I empathize with you OP, as I also seem to sometimes get people contacting me when they need something. Sometimes during your off days you need to just reach out to those closest to you and say you need a little boost. I always get the same response from those close to me. "I couldn't tell, you're always so strong." Sometimes even the "rock" of relationships need some loving and attention as I like to say

 

Hope you're feeling better!

[darkbloom]

I too did care about my ex in a way that I had never cared about anyone else before. It makes me think how she just kinda threw everything away. Sometimes you just never know.

 

I empathize with you OP, as I also seem to sometimes get people contacting me when they need something. Sometimes during your off days you need to just reach out to those closest to you and say you need a little boost. I always get the same response from those close to me. "I couldn't tell, you're always so strong." Sometimes even the "rock" of relationships need some loving and attention as I like to say

 

Hope you're feeling better!

 

Thanks! I am feeling much better than the day I posted it. I had a sh-t day at work today but it improved after I left. I texted my best friend today and told her about my day. She offered to take me to a late lunch even though she had plans to cook dinner for her boyfriend and she was exhausted. I am working on it.

 

I don't really understand how they could throw everything away either. People would comment on the spark we had when we were in a room together. It was crazy for me to be a part of and I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't felt it. People still associate us together. We've been broken up 6 months and people still ask me how he's doing. RAWR.

[TheMoreYouKnow]

Thanks! I am feeling much better than the day I posted it. I had a sh-t day at work today but it improved after I left. I texted my best friend today and told her about my day. She offered to take me to a late lunch even though she had plans to cook dinner for her boyfriend and she was exhausted. I am working on it.

 

I don't really understand how they could throw everything away either. People would comment on the spark we had when we were in a room together. It was crazy for me to be a part of and I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't felt it. People still associate us together. We've been broken up 6 months and people still ask me how he's doing. RAWR.

 

I never will understand either. The way I see it is that she'll never have someone as loyal and loving as me. I take a lot of pride in the way i treat my significant other, and I was always raised to be a gentleman. That'll be something she'll realize in the future and say "Damn, I messed up".

 

Sounds like we had a similar situation. I reached out to some friends today and they were very encouraging. Definitely helped out.

[darkbloom]

I never will understand either. The way I see it is that she'll never have someone as loyal and loving as me. I take a lot of pride in the way i treat my significant other, and I was always raised to be a gentleman. That'll be something she'll realize in the future and say "Damn, I messed up".

 

Sounds like we had a similar situation. I reached out to some friends today and they were very encouraging. Definitely helped out.

 

I mean, his parents basically told him that they still don't understand how I ended up in his life. And he should do everything to not screw it up. And his dad sent me flowers after the break up.

 

I looked him right in the eyes and said "I am the best thing that has ever happened to you. This is one of those things you will look back and regret." Because it's the truth.

 

 

Nothing we can do about it now though. On to better things.

[TheMoreYouKnow]

I mean, his parents basically told him that they still don't understand how I ended up in his life. And he should do everything to not screw it up. And his dad sent me flowers after the break up.

 

I looked him right in the eyes and said "I am the best thing that has ever happened to you. This is one of those things you will look back and regret." Because it's the truth.

 

 

Nothing we can do about it now though. On to better things.

 

Ahh.. Seems like the dad definitely wanted you to be around and was sad to see you go at the end. I always wanted to tell my ex that, however I never did. The best thing for me is to just focus on ME. Like you said, nothing we can do about it. The person that we end up with, will be the one that appreciates what someone else tossed. It's hard to understand, however at this point I try not to understand and just accept it and move on. We're definitely better off without them. How long has it been for you? if you don't mind me asking.

[preraph]

My friends do take advantage of it.

 

One of the things that led to my first break up with the ex was that he said he wanted to help me and I never came to him with my problems. He wanted me to be able to trust him more and rely on him. This never made any sense to me. He also lied and cheated during the time he was asking me to trust him more so maybe he was just nuts.

 

My dog makes me feel less lonely. I wish she could talk back, then I wouldn't need anybody else.

 

You know, I've been in the exact same circumstance. I haven't really figured out that part about guys. But like you, it seems really f'd up to me when they're not even treating you right already but want you to "need" them and "trust" them, but they don't want you to need them to be respectful of you or faithful to you? The closest I can come to understanding it is just going by what I've seen over and over and that is that those same guys will like a woman who strokes their ego constantly, even if the woman is a known liar and manipulator (which is mostly who would bother to stroke someone's ego all the time). So while i realize that maybe an honest urge to help a woman is genetic going back to survival instincts, what I have personally seen is just men wanting a woman who acts like they are their hero, and they don't much care what else the woman is like beyond that. I have seen this in the workplace nearly every place I've worked, plus in my personal life. Men like the women who flatter and cry and cross boundaries trying to lean on them, and these women doing it are all fake and manipulative and wouldn't make a good mate.

[darkbloom]

Ahh.. Seems like the dad definitely wanted you to be around and was sad to see you go at the end. I always wanted to tell my ex that, however I never did. The best thing for me is to just focus on ME. Like you said, nothing we can do about it. The person that we end up with, will be the one that appreciates what someone else tossed. It's hard to understand, however at this point I try not to understand and just accept it and move on. We're definitely better off without them. How long has it been for you? if you don't mind me asking.

 

His dad attached a card to the flowers that basically said "Thank you so much for being in my life. I appreciate all that you do and am very grateful to know you." Awkward, no? His mom and step dad also stopped by my work on Christmas Eve to drop off a basket of freshly baked goods. He forgot to tell them that we had broken up several weeks before. I had no idea what to say to them. I wonder what the ex told them about our breakup. They love me so it would be a challenge for him to paint me in a bad light. We broke up December 8 and we had our last blow out on December 22. I said some pretty harsh but very true things to him. I told him that he was insecure and he would end up alone and divorced like his dad because he was a liar and a cheat. (His dad is on divorce number 2.)

 

His final text to me was "Happy Christmas S because only Harry understands you" -- This in reference to Harry Potter. I would joke with him sometimes that I could not go out with him on certain nights because Harry and I were in a longtime relationship and I couldn't just abandon him for a new boy.

 

That text still perplexes me. I have no idea why he referenced Harry as his last goodbye. I didn't respond. We have been NC ever since.

[darkbloom]

You know, I've been in the exact same circumstance. I haven't really figured out that part about guys. But like you, it seems really f'd up to me when they're not even treating you right already but want you to "need" them and "trust" them, but they don't want you to need them to be respectful of you or faithful to you? The closest I can come to understanding it is just going by what I've seen over and over and that is that those same guys will like a woman who strokes their ego constantly, even if the woman is a known liar and manipulator (which is mostly who would bother to stroke someone's ego all the time). So while i realize that maybe an honest urge to help a woman is genetic going back to survival instincts, what I have personally seen is just men wanting a woman who acts like they are their hero, and they don't much care what else the woman is like beyond that. I have seen this in the workplace nearly every place I've worked, plus in my personal life. Men like the women who flatter and cry and cross boundaries trying to lean on them, and these women doing it are all fake and manipulative and wouldn't make a good mate.

 

My ex needed to feel needed. Especially by girls. He would attract the most needy and desperate girls who wanted him to fix their problems. He would use helping them as a bandaid for dealing with his own problems. It helped stuff down the emptiness he felt.

 

I told him that I am self sufficient and I choose to figure out my problems myself. I would occasionally ask for his help but I was not going to use him as my emotional crutch. I also told him that I did not want to end up in the same situation as my last relationship. And that is exactly what happened. I think he saw it as a quest. If I needed him emotionally, he would have all of the power?

 

I think the strangest thing in our relationship is the stuff that he chose to hold against me. I got fired from the job that we both worked at. I knew it was coming and had already landed a job interview the same day I got fired. I got hired at the job I applied at the very next day. He said that things like that were not easy for him and that it wasn't fair. I have a mortgage payment and bills. Being unemployed is not an option. He however, still has aid from his parents and if he got fired would have no real sense of urgency to get another job. The problems of being spoiled and entitled apparently.

[preraph]

I don't want to overgeneralize because it's a complex subject, but I did get at least one man to admit it was about power and control. Some men feel most comfortable if you need them because they're insecure and think that's the only way to control you and be sure you don't leave them. One guy I was close to long distance told me right away he liked to handle the money and didn't want the woman to worry about it. But yet he had times he was flat broke because of the career he was in which came and went and was on the wane. The longer I got to know him, the deeper I saw his control issues were. He was a good guy, but he'd had a rough childhood in one respect and he wanted to feel like he was in control and the woman would basically be under his spell enough to do what he wanted. This was a guy who at one time was a little famous and also good looking, so he'd had plenty of women in his time but was now older.

 

Another guy, the opposite of the one above, was nerdy and not good looking but he was successful at making money. He was one of these like you see on here who didn't have the nerve to just ask a woman out. He's stalk her for years first before working up the nerve. One of his criteria was he wanted the woman to drive an old clunker, because he felt this would give him an advantage because he was better off financially. He, like many other men I've known, was perfectly comfortable with the idea that a woman might like him for his money -- anything to get laid. So yes, he was always hoping some woman would "need" him and actually preyed on women fresh out of breakups with his friends. He truly isn't a bad guy, but that's how twisted the thinking can get.

 

And yet a third guy is a well balanced well liked guy who has no insight into character and would take up with really bad golddigger and climber women just using him as long as they would flatter him. Honestly, he's just a bit simple. He is a good guy, but because he so enjoys the ego boost, he will overlook almost anything. So that's his weakness. He never thinks these women are manipulating him. It never occurs to him that they don't really mean it when they tell him how great he is.

Edited May 17, 2015 by preraph

[darkbloom]

I don't want to overgeneralize because it's a complex subject, but I did get at least one man to admit it was about power and control. Some men feel most comfortable if you need them because they're insecure and think that's the only way to control you and be sure you don't leave them. One guy I was close to long distance told me right away he liked to handle the money and didn't want the woman to worry about it. But yet he had times he was flat broke because of the career he was in which came and went and was on the wane. The longer I got to know him, the deeper I saw his control issues were. He was a good guy, but he'd had a rough childhood in one respect and he wanted to feel like he was in control and the woman would basically be under his spell enough to do what he wanted. This was a guy who at one time was a little famous and also good looking, so he'd had plenty of women in his time but was now older.

 

Another guy, the opposite of the one above, was nerdy and not good looking but he was successful at making money. He was one of these like you see on here who didn't have the nerve to just ask a woman out. He's stalk her for years first before working up the nerve. One of his criteria was he wanted the woman to drive an old clunker, because he felt this would give him an advantage because he was better off financially. He, like many other men I've known, was perfectly comfortable with the idea that a woman might like him for his money -- anything to get laid. So yes, he was always hoping some woman would "need" him and actually preyed on women fresh out of breakups with his friends. He truly isn't a bad guy, but that's how twisted the thinking can get.

 

And yet a third guy is a well balanced well liked guy who has no insight into character and would take up with really bad golddigger and climber women just using him as long as they would flatter him. Honestly, he's just a bit simple. He is a good guy, but because he so enjoys the ego boost, he will overlook almost anything. So that's his weakness. He never thinks these women are manipulating him. It never occurs to him that they don't really mean it when they tell him how great he is.

 

My guy was kind of a combination of the three gentleman above. He is not a bad guy, just very sick in his way of thinking. Some of the things he did make me look back and be like damn that was a HUGE red flag I chose to ignore. Hindsight is 20/20 though.

[TheMoreYouKnow]

His dad attached a card to the flowers that basically said "Thank you so much for being in my life. I appreciate all that you do and am very grateful to know you." Awkward, no? His mom and step dad also stopped by my work on Christmas Eve to drop off a basket of freshly baked goods. He forgot to tell them that we had broken up several weeks before. I had no idea what to say to them. I wonder what the ex told them about our breakup. They love me so it would be a challenge for him to paint me in a bad light. We broke up December 8 and we had our last blow out on December 22. I said some pretty harsh but very true things to him. I told him that he was insecure and he would end up alone and divorced like his dad because he was a liar and a cheat. (His dad is on divorce number 2.)

 

His final text to me was "Happy Christmas S because only Harry understands you" -- This in reference to Harry Potter. I would joke with him sometimes that I could not go out with him on certain nights because Harry and I were in a longtime relationship and I couldn't just abandon him for a new boy.

 

That text still perplexes me. I have no idea why he referenced Harry as his last goodbye. I didn't respond. We have been NC ever since.

 

 

Ahh wow sounds like an interesting way to part ways. Sorry you had to go through that. Hopefully by now things have gotten much better and time has helped you heal and see a better light. I'm sure you're a great person and will find that special someone who will never put you through misery. I hope the same for myself.