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Should I continue to work hard for this?


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I could write a whole book about this, but I'm going to be as brief as I can.

 

I'm a 29 year old Male with very little dating/relationship experience.

 

I met a girl on OkCupid, she lives about an hour away and we have been talking regularly for the past two months. We've been on three dates and all of them have gone well. Our last date was mostly hanging out at my place watching movies which resulted in a lot of making out, cuddling, but she stopped me from advancing any further, stating that she didn't want to do anything that day and it's only our third date which is understandable. Everyone of our dates or skype calls have lasted a VERY VERY long time. All dates have been about 6-10 hours long... skype calls ranged anywhere from 1-4 hours long.

 

We've both deactivated our dating profiles.

 

Before our third date she broke down and told me that she carries a lot of baggage and that I deserve better. Said that she doesn't feel capable of ever loving another person and that her last relationship she was cheated on twice and has never gotten her heart back. (This was a year ago) She asked me if I'm excited when I see or talk to her.. I said of course. She replied, that's what I was afraid of, but unfortunately I can't say the same. I haven't been excited about anything since my last relationship. She's told me straight up that she doesn't think she'd be able to give me what I want, which is something serious that leads up to marriage and kids. I told her shes thinking way too far into it and that we should just enjoy each others company and have fun, see where it takes us.

 

I also told her that she should let me make my own decisions and that I enjoy spending time with her. She's always smiling and happy when we're together but she is constantly giving me mixed signals. When we first started talking we could chat all day and the feelings were reciprocated. These days, even if she initiates conversation it just seems as if shes not that interested due to one word replies or closed-ended responses. We rarely talk on skype anymore, because she prefers to text. In person she tells me that when I look into her eyes it makes her "uncomfortable"...

 

She's never been firm with dates, always tells me that she doesn't want to promise me anything and so far we only see each other once every two weeks. (And I've been the one suggesting the dates). It's become a running joke between us because she always uses "we'll see", "maybe", "you never know"... After our third date I asked if she'd want to hang out next week, to which she thought about and said I don't think I have anything going on that day, and then she said oh it's my friends birthday that week, I may have some plans that weekend. I asked in frustration, well do you WANT to see me? She replies, Well.. I don't NOT want to see you.

 

It's clear to me that I've already developed feelings for this person. I'm the type of person who throws all his eggs in one basket and I can't seem to help it.

 

I don't think shes dating multiple people, but I can't tell if she's holding out for better or if she is just scared to move too fast and get hurt again.

 

She's told me that she finds me very physically and mentally attractive, but feels as if there should be more. At the same time admitting that she may be jaded from her previous relationship.

 

At this point I still text her regularly just to let her know I'm still interested, but I'm seriously considering just stopping all forms of initiation because I feel really exhausted and have no idea if this can ever go anywhere. As far as initiation goes, it's about 70/30 and I am almost always the one that starts the conversations. Last week I went several days without texting her, and she only initiated once. During our third date I asked her about communication and she said that I'm well within normal expectations, but that shes weird about it because sometimes she wants to talk and sometimes she doesn't want to.

 

She has yet to ignore anything I've said, but she's also admitted that she feels obligated to reply to anyone that sends her anything (which is why she said she deleted her dating profile).

 

I guess in my heart I still hold out on the fact this may be something worth pursuing. I really like this person and can see myself being friends with them even if things don't work out but I've been through such an emotional rollercoaster this early already. The distance thing doesn't help either, obviously...

Edited by Teriyaki
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Before our third date she broke down and told me that she carries a lot of baggage

 

Said that she doesn't feel capable of ever loving another person and that her last relationship she was cheated on twice and has never gotten her heart back.

 

I haven't been excited about anything since my last relationship.

 

She's told me straight up that she doesn't think she'd be able to give me what I want, which is something serious that leads up to marriage and kids.

 

These days, even if she initiates conversation it just seems as if shes not that interested due to one word replies or closed-ended responses.

 

In person she tells me that when I look into her eyes it makes her "uncomfortable"...

 

She's never been firm with dates,

 

I asked in frustration, well do you WANT to see me? She replies, Well.. I don't NOT want to see you.

 

She's told me that she finds me very physically and mentally attractive, but feels as if there should be more. At the same time admitting that she may be jaded from her previous relationship.

 

I feel really exhausted and have no idea if this can ever go anywhere.

 

She has yet to ignore anything I've said, but she's also admitted that she feels obligated to reply to anyone that sends her anything (which is why she said she deleted her dating profile).

 

 

Give up.

 

She doesn't want you.

 

Go find someone who does.

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I don't know why people bother with people like this.

 

Actually yes I do because I was there and I got a much needed kick up the backside while I was messed up. Can't think who did that eh Pete??? ;)

 

Truth sometimes hurts but OP better to have your eyes wide open and give yourself a chance of happiness than base your happiness on false hopes that you are giving yourself.

 

It gets better but move on from this one. Its not easy but you end up in control of your own life and emotions and actually meeting more suitable matches.

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Thanks for your input. I was pretty close to moving on either way...

 

I just don't understand why this person would continue seeing me and staying for so long if she wasn't interested.

 

Very confusing.

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todreaminblue

i honestly feel you should sit down and talk to her.......face to face ...state what you want tell her you dont have time to waste and you like her...lay it all on the table....then it is up to her to get over what baggage she has and move forward with you....or without....no one on here knows her mind set...i too often feel obligated to reply to guys who message me.....one reason why me and online dating dont work......so it could be the case she feels obligated to reply to you.....ask her if she does feel that

 

 

all in all your relationship with her is a new one with a different dynamic ...you are not her exes and she has to realize that and move on in spite of fear in building a relationship with you....ask if her if she is ready to do that...and if she isnt...i really hope she is honest with you and you get some closure or hope ...one or the other...everyone deserves honesty makes it a whole lot easier huh..good luck....deb

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I just don't understand why this person would continue seeing me and staying for so long if she wasn't interested.

 

She is using you for attention.

 

It really is that basic and simple.

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calvincline47

I think that she likes you, but she's just crazy. Borderline personality disorder or something.

 

These people tend to reel you in quickly, then start with the drama.

 

Can you even confirm that she actually was cheated on and is not just making it up?

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I really believe that if someone tells you you deserve better, you should always take their word for that. It usually means they do not have theirself together enough to be in a responsible relationship. The only other thing it can mean is it's a way to reject you while trying not to insult you. Let her go.

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To give everyone an update. She came over last night and stayed for a day.

 

Sexual activities ensued and our "status" was made very clear. She basically just wants a friends with benefits type relationship because she does not feel emotionally connected with me.

 

She likes me but just doesn't feel ready for anything serious after her break up.

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calvincline47
To give everyone an update. She came over last night and stayed for a day.

 

Sexual activities ensued and our "status" was made very clear. She basically just wants a friends with benefits type relationship because she does not feel emotionally connected with me.

 

She likes me but just doesn't feel ready for anything serious after her break up.

 

LOL

 

Funny thing is if you keep her in that role, just keep messing around with her, and don't take things too seriously, she'll come around and start pushing for more.

 

However, I wouldn't exclusively date women that participate in and are open to purely sexual relationships. I have in the past and these women are bad news.

 

In other words, don't catch the feelings bro.

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La.Primavera

I think you should reactivate your dating profile and get to know other women and go on dates. It sounds like you are wasting your time here. You have invested too much in this one person who has shown by her actions that she is unstable and has little regard for your feelings.

 

Like I said, date other women, you will get a better idea of how decent women treat men. If you are inexperienced this will give you a warped view of how women behave.

 

If you continue to see her I predict plenty of drama and game playing followed by heartbreak.

 

Do yourself a huge favor, delete her number and move on. You deserve better.

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