Not feeling like a priority in gfs life?

[minimus]

Hey, so me and my gf have been together for almost 8 months now. Shes originally German, so all her family and alot of her friends live back home. Despite this, so far things have been great. We love each other and really seem to make each other happy thus far. But recently I've done some thinking about our relationship and I'm not to sure I'm a priority in my gfs life.

 

So far in our relationship, we've both been really busy. We both work and go to school. We haven't had much free time together since we started dating, so we usually end up seeing each other late at night before work and class the next day. We're usually pretty tired, so most of the time we just end up watching TV and not much else. So in reality we only really get Saturdays together and once in a blue moon sundays.

 

Thats why I was looking forward to this summer so much. We were both going to be off school and we wouldn't be working for the majority of the time. So I was planning on finally getting to spend real, quality time with her doing all the things we haven't gotten to do since we've been together (Roadtrips, camping trips, week long getaways, etc). I was really looking forward to it, but about a month ago she told me she was going to fly back to Germany to spend the entire summer with her family and friends. She also told me that she was going to do the same thing for the holidays this year (thanksgiving, xmas, new years)

 

I'm not going to lie, I was really disappointed. Of course I want her to be happy and spend time with the people who are important to her. But at the same time, we've been together 8 months already and we've never really gotten the opportunity this far to spend real time together. We finally have the chance this summer and she's decided she's going to be gone for the entire 3 months of summer and another month during holidays.

 

I guess I wouldn't be feeling so dowN if she told me she would be going for 2 months in the summer, and spending the last month with me when we both have free time together, especially since she'll be going back only a few months later. Id even feel less down if she decided she'd come back a week or two early, just so we'd have a little alone time together to reconnect before our schedules get busy again.

 

So I guess what it comes down to is, yes we make time for each other in between our schedules right now. But I feel that when it comes down to real, free time, she's not willing to spend it with me. I mean id totally understand if she wanted to spend even the grand majority of her free time with friends and family overseas. But as it stands now, I feel like she's showing me that she's not willing to spend ANY of the time she values most with me. And that kind of sucks to feel that way with your partner. So I dunno, maybe I'm just being selfish or something. Do you guys think I'm overreacting? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance

[PegNosePete]

Did she invite you along? Even for part of it?

 

When you get into a long term relationship, you have to come to some arrangement regarding holidays. Sometimes they split them 50/50 (Christmas at my parents, New Years with yours), sometimes alternating (this year Christmas at my parents, next year at yours) etc.

 

Oh and Germans don't celebrate thanksgiving.

 

Yeah, seems like she's not all that interested in spending quality time with you. Which isn't a good sign for your relationship. Have you told her how you feel?

Edited April 17, 2015 by PegNosePete

[salparadise]

But as it stands now, I feel like she's showing me that she's not willing to spend ANY of the time she values most with me. And that kind of sucks to feel that way with your partner. So I dunno, maybe I'm just being selfish or something. Do you guys think I'm overreacting? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance

 

No, I don't think you're overreacting. I think you've come to an important realization. Has she even mentioned your preferences, feelings or what you have planned for the summer?

[Frank2thepoint]

No you are not being selfish or overreacting. Have a serious discussion with her and express your desires as soon as possible. Tell her your goals of spending more free time together. See what she says. If she is determined to not include you in her plans, or just keeps you at low priority, then sadly you will have to break up with her and go your separate ways. It'll be better for you.

[toolforgrowth]

I agree with you. I don't think she really views you as a priority. Before you make any decisions however, I'd talk to her and calmly share with her how you feel and why you feel that way. If you're not feeling like her answers are legitimate or that she really cares how you feel, then I'd say it's time to end this relationship.

 

There are plenty of women out there who would view you as a priority. Don't settle for less than what you know you deserve.

[azaleigha]

I can understand why you're disappointed. Have you been able to talk with your girlfriend about your hopes for spending time with her this summer, and even about future goals? It's understandable that she would want to see her family and friends back home during the summer, but maybe if you talk about it the two of you could come up with a way to do both so you're not apart the whole time. If nothing else, make sure you keep up your communication throughout your time apart. Best of luck to you!

[minimus]

I have mentioned to her some of the things I had planned for us to do over the summer. And she says she would've looked forward to doing them together. But at the same time, would it really be that big a deal to come back a week or two sooner so that we could at least do something together? I feel like she says I'm a big part of her life and that she enjoys every minute with me, but her actions and decisions show otherwise.

 

And I think the thing that bugs me most is that I know what I would do in her shoes. I have been in her shoes since we've been dating. I've passed up on time spent with family and friends to spend extra time with her. But the thing is, its not a sacrifice for me. I genuinely enjoy my time with her and have no problem splitting my time between my family & friends, and her because I love her. So I guess the red flags for me are A) splitting time between me and her family and friends is a major sacrifice for her. And B) she's not willing to make that sacrifice regardless. Even just a little of that time.

 

And she's told me about her trips back to Germany in the past. She does spend time with family and friends. But she also spends alot of that time partying, having a good time, etc. And again, I don't mind that at all. But is giving up 1 or 2 weeks of partying out of 16 total really that big a deal to spend with someone you say you love and can't live without?

 

I'm not going to lie though, there have been times throughout our relationship where I have felt that maybe I felt more strongly about her than she does for me. It's just been like a gut feeling that I have brought up with her, but she assured me that that was not the case. But this feeling came up again when she told me about her plans to go back. When my family heard, they reiterated the same thoughts. They were worried that I may be falling too hard for someone who may not feel the same way. They asked what I would do in her situation. After I thought about it, I realized that I would probably split my time between her and my family. I'd genuinely want to spend time with her and I'd also want to show her that she is a priority to me by choosing to balance time between both

[sandylee1]

You're not a priority for her. Your feelings are valid. She could easily spend some more time with you in the holidays. She's gonna leave you heartbroken at this rate. You've spoken to her and she still doesn't get it.

 

I really don't like to make generalisations, but knowing my experience is that a lot of Germans are very determined, resiliant, not overly emotional hard working individuals and right now her priorities are studies, family, friends and then possibly you.

 

Can you honestly see a future with her? If not, then it's best to end this relationship before you get hurt. She may just be using you to keep her company and meet her needs while she studies. Then, back to Germany, without a second thought about you.

[CC12]

I have mentioned to her some of the things I had planned for us to do over the summer. And she says she would've looked forward to doing them together. But at the same time, would it really be that big a deal to come back a week or two sooner so that we could at least do something together?

 

You've just hinted at it, then? Don't expect her to read your mind. You need to tell her how this makes you feel and ask if she'd consider spending a couple of weeks with you. If you haven't clearly laid out your thoughts on this, you can't be that upset about this.

 

I agree that it's strange that she didn't initially choose to spend part of her break with you. Maybe it's a cultural difference? Maybe her family would be pissed if she didn't spend the whole time there? She could have good reasons, but you wouldn't know since you haven't had an honest conversation about it.

 

And I think it's great that you've tried to put yourself in her shoes and you decided that you would split the time between her and your family, but I think it's probably very different for you since, even when you're away from your family, you're still pretty much within the same culture. For her, "home" is far away, it's a different culture, different language, different food, different everything, and not very easy to travel to. She's probably very homesick and just automatically decided to spend the whole time there. Try to cut her some slack. Talk to her.

[No Limit]

Heh, from Germany myself. And yeah, we don't celebrate Thanksgiving, but probably wouldn't mind a bit of turkey for dinner.

 

Now I really don't see why she didn't invite you? Especially if her family is from a big town nearly everyone is capable of speaking English anyway.