so im in a really bad mess and this is my last chance to ask for

[Armyguy198527]

Hello community,

I first would like to say I am new here, and also want to deeply apologize to the admin if I post in the wrong area, my situation is strange and didn't know where to post.

 

 

So my issue, I been with my girlfriend/ex (not sure what we are at this moment) since December 2011, I served in the military 10 years, deployed 3 times to Iraq, was wounded, spinal injury, lost movement of my left leg and feeling so I walk with a cane, I was diagnosed with severe PTSD, depression, and went thru a bad transition coming home and adjusting to civilian life.... I tried tackling the issue on my own and had some success. I came home to losing my dad to lung cancer and my sister had a brain tumor, which she over came....

 

 

Around this time I met my girlfriend, we would talk on night on the phone about everything and anything, she was the light in my dark tunnel.... We hit things off and everything was great, we moved in together after dating 8 months and we were doing great, she had a daughter who was 4 at the time from a previous relationship that was abusive and she got her daughter out of there and the biological father wasn't in the picture. I took her daughter in as my own, she calls me dad to this day, she is my world and I love her like she is my blood, hell she is my blood as far as I'm concerned.

 

 

things were good up until the year and a half mark, one day I went to work and I had no problems with my girlfriend having a girls night out with friends, we had trust, she would let me go out with my friends, only rule we had was letting each other know in advance that we were going to go out.... The day I went to work I kissed her goodbye and told her I would see her at the end of the night, well when I went on break at 6pm she said "I wont be home when you get there going out with my friend to the bar ill see you whenever I get home, love you". Now this was a lil abnormal because she would never go to the bar and we both agreed bars were off limits, but I played nice guy and sucked it up and said have fun... Well later that night around 1130 I hadn't heard a word from her so I text and said having fun? She didn't respond so I said maybe she didn't hear the phone so I called and she answers drunk saying " If I don't respond to your text, it doesn't mean call" we got in to a argument and she hung up on me.... I just let it go and laid down in bed and watched a movie and waited for her to come home, when I woke in the morning she was still not home, I knew in my gut what happened but didn't want to face it, she came hone and said get out, so I left and went to my sisters, we proceeded not to talk for 3 weeks, well she finally calls crying saying she missed me and wanted me to come home and I did. Things were shockingly fine again, but the question of her cheating was stuck in my mind, one day she left facebook open on the laptop when she went to get her daughter off the bus and a IM pops up with a guy saying, why wont you talk to me babe, so I wrote back what do you mean babe acting like her and I know its wrong to do that but I held it in so long and knew in my gut what happened, he said you haven't said a word to me since the night we slept together.... I flipped out, I grabbed my bags and walked out the door and left the IM open to where she could see it and walked past her without saying a word and she kept saying babe what's wrong what's wrong, I got in my car and went back to my sisters, she calls 30 mins after leaving in tears saying she got drunk and messed up that night and slept with him and realized she messed up, I hung the phone up on her and wouldn't speak to her for a month.

 

 

finally around a month later we talked and I know it was stupid of me but I missed her and her daughter when we were ok and offered to try and fix it but we were moving away from there. We packed everything and left, we got higher paying jobs, she was finishing up college as was I, things were looking up, I put that skeleton in the closet and left it there and moved on.... Well this is jwhere it leads to now, around this time last year things went from great for almost two years to bad, I starting noticing she seemed annoyed, I paid rent and electric, food, she just paid internet and heat, we would split gas for work and we car pooled to work together to save gas... things seemed fine, but then she wanted me to pay the heat too, and then said I didnt do enough which blew my sisters minds away cause they knew I was paying 90 percent of the bills, my mom would buy birthday gifts for her and her daughter and Christmas but she started complaining about us doing all of that, then saying my mom hated her which was far from the truth and made me angry, then I told her daughter Santa was coming and she started in on me for telling her Santa was coming and saying there was no such thing and she didn't need to get caught up in all of that stuff, really really odd behavior, and it was back and forth, finally one day I got in to it with her and left and went to my sisters house to cool off, my sister and her husband sat down with me and said we didnt want to get in the middle of you all but we think she has a hidden alcohol abuse problem and I got upset and defended her, they claimed she was slipping hotel room bottles of whiskey in her coffee when she would come by there and of course I defended her and stormed off but didn't say anything to my girlfriend.

 

 

now to understand her and I, her family was a bunch of bikers, wild, she was one of 7 kids and all were given up to foster care one time or another, I hated alot of her family, my father was a biker in the Iron horsemen before he met my mom and my mom was a college grad from university of Cincinnati, they were opposites, but he left that life and worked on the rail road and his family was all that mattered to him, holidays were big days and if your the man, you work from sun up to sun down, he was a Vietnam veteran and i wanted to be just the quarter of what my father was to me, figure I would be something if I accomplished just a quarter of that.

 

 

so me and her had different past so that's why I made up excuses for her constantly.... Now I was not mr perfect, there was times i withdrew, I had stress related issues and at times I didnt want to have sex, I slept every day for a week after I got off work, I hit a depression spell, but when I would come around I would try and make up what I did to her, I would clean, cook dinner, spend time with her and her daughter, watch movies, go to the park....

 

 

so things around July 2014 took a nose dive for hell, we went to her families reunion so she could see her sister she hadn't seen in 10 years, I went even tho I hate most her family and I talked and tried being nice, I was DD, we brought her daughter to play with the other kids, things seemed ok, but around 2 am when we went to leave she was trashed, I had to help her in the car, we drive home and I said love you, and she wakes up and says **** you you piece of ****, her daughter was asleep luckily, I just ignored it and tried to keep it calm, we get home, I get her daughter from the back seat and grab the food but I sat the keys in the front seat to adjust carrying everything, but at this point she shuts the door and locks it with keys inside, I beg her to give keys to me but she doesn't.... I run her daughter up stairs to bed and sat the food down, I run outside and she started the car and was flicking me off saying she was leaving to go drink some more, so I tried reasoning with her to open the door so she wouldn't get a dui, she refused, so I tricked her to opening the door, I told her I left my wallet in the car and to at least let me get that before she left and she opened the door, I grabbed the keys and took them out of the car, I started to walk away and said I know your mad but your drunk, ill give you back your keys in the morning, I also told her I would even leave for the night if she was mad, at this moment I seen a bright light and a sharp pain in my eye, she was punching the hell out of me in the face repeatedly over and over again, I kept trying to just walk away, she said the army must make bitches because I wasn't swinging back, and that I was no soldier, and saying Iraq was a war for bitches, I said I wont hit a woman so that accounts for something which pissed her off more, the neighbors came our hearing the argument and called the police, six different people called, my one neighbors wife came over and threatened to fight her if she didn't stop hitting me, she knocked me to the ground because of my injury from Iraq, I just held on to the keys, not letting her drive drunk, I had a bloody nose, bloody mouth, and finally the police showed up and put her instantly in handcuffs and placed her under arrest for pi and assault, well after she was taken to jail, the officer knew I was sober and said I did the right thing, he said he felt bad for me, I went in and sat in the chair in her daughters room holding her stuffed bear crying silently while watching her sleep, I knew I would lose her, I had no legal right to her, she was like my own daughter....

 

 

of course we break up, she moved back home and we had a no contact order, over time she started messaging me and I tried making it work just for her daughter sake, I felt like if i wasn't there things were not ok.... She started to let me come see her at least, well now, today, she has started using her against me, saying that I dont love her and I wont come see her, I know i should walk away I know, but I love her daughter like my own kid, so endure bs from her over her daughter just so I can stay in her life.... My mom said I need to walk away, and her daughter will remember me and will probably seek me out when she gets older, but its too hard to do that and not so black and white.... Question is, did I do wrong, or was she, what should I do? So lost, I can't sleep, or function, always worried about her daughter, I raised her from being little.... Anyways sorry for a long post, just wanted to get the entire story out. Thank you for your time, thank you for your help.

[d0nnivain]

Thank you for your service to our country & your sacrifices. I am sorry for the loss of your dad.

 

Her questionable upbringing & your personal struggles do not entitle her to treat you like a piece of garbage. You can't stay in this relationship for the sake of a child who is not your own. Get out.

 

Avail yourself of the various counseling programs the VA offers. Just because your break up isn't related to your service, doesn't mean they won't give you a helping hand.

 

Listen to your mother. You didn't do anything wrong except continue to stay with a mean-spirited, drunk who cheats on you. You can stop that mistake whenever you want, sooner will be better.

[Toodaloo]

Oh my Lordy you feel guilty about leaving her?

 

Seriously you don't need to.

 

That woman is toxic.

 

All said and done I suspect that you both got together at the wrong time for what I suspect were the wrong reasons. It must have been like having a shoulder to cry on for you both.

 

Take your time. Heal. Then start again.

[elaine567]

Is she getting any help for the alcohol problem?

[Armyguy198527]

first and foremost, thank you for your fast replies, it does mean something to me, I been lost....

 

 

I dont think its I feel bad for what she did, I just wonder if I could have done something different, did I make her this way with my problems, and most important, I know ending it with her, I lose her daughter, and I know i need to walk away, I know I do, I been putting it off since last summer, I do know i dont love her, I dont wish ill will on her but I don't feel how I did, especially after she hit me and said the things she did....

 

 

I just feel like giving up, her daughter was what kept me going, no kid deserves that, no kid deserves not having a father, but my mom said it makes her proud that I care for family and the right thing in life but she said there are three types of people in this world you cant fix, abusive people, alcoholics, and drug addicts, they are the most self centered people on this planet she said, she was a doctor in mental health so my mom tries helping me thru this stuff.

[Armyguy198527]

Is she getting any help for the alcohol problem?

no, she wont admit she has a problem, she says its me passing accusations off on her and she gets highly angry and refuses to talk about it.

[Armyguy198527]

I feel like Eminem in his song and how he acts in his video for the song, "when I'm gone" I listen to that song daily, I feel just like that song, just getting fed up with life honestly, I feel like its all falling apart around me.

[spiderowl]

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. I can completely understand how you feel about her daughter. You have bonded with the child and love her. Her mother is cruel and manipulative and is going to do her level best to use the child to hurt you. It's a really difficult position. I am not a lawyer but I cannot see that you have any legal right to the child at all as you and she were not married and, even then, she is not your daughter. You may have had some rights if you had adopted her.

 

It seems to me you cannot really love this woman any more or want to be with her, except you feel wrong abandoning the child. Is that the case? It's really difficult but maybe you could consult a lawyer. Her mothering skills must be under question because of her drinking and the threat to drive as well. She has been violent and presumably this was recorded by the police. Did you press charges? Problem is, even if she were found to be an unfit mother, her children would most likely be taken into care or put into the care of a close relative, rather than you. It is a very sad situation.

 

I would suggest you get legal advice, but the only option might be to walk away. Try to tell the child you love her and have no option because of the way her mother is behaving and because you are not married to her. Tell her you'll be waiting for her when she's old enough. What a terribly sad situation. I just hope others can come up with something better.

Edited April 14, 2015 by spiderowl