Is lack of sex a prequisite to cheating?

[Nikki Sahagin]

I know that there are many reasons why people cheat and even if a person has a satisfying sex life, they can still choose to cheat simply to experience variety...

 

BUT

 

I think sexually fulfilled couples are far less likely to.

 

My bf and I live together and have sex basically every day (or every other). We both have very high sex drives (mine slightly higher). On a day where we don't have sex, I masturbate. I am very sexually fulfilled in my relationship and I think that makes fidelity easier because I know I'm always going to get some.

 

I really strongly believe in the importance of sex between a couple. Even if I have felt tired, I'll always have sex with my bf because I know I'll end up in the mood because of how attractive he is to me.

 

I think a gf and bf should always want to satisfy the sexual side of the relationship. I think when sex is going well, so many other things flow. You feel closer and more connected, we communicate better, you feel desired, wanted, loved, needed.

 

I've always thought couples that cheat aren't sexually satisfied in some way. In your experience, is this true?

[Gloria25]

Not to sound mean, but sex is more than just a physical act (if done right and with the right person).

 

Via sex, the couple "connects". There are scientific studies to show how our bodies and mind change, improve, etc. when sex happens.

 

For men, sex is the expression of "love" that women get in other ways (i.e. romance, a guy providing/protecting for them).

 

For women, sex has its benefits - but I am gonna try to explain it how (finally) I heard it on this radio show again. When a woman has sex, she's doing it as a means to an end. So, she may do it cuz she "loves" him, but she doesn't necessarily need the act of sex to get the expression of "love" like a man needs it.

 

I think that's why many women can go w/o sex and/or have a lot of sucky sex and think its the bomb cuz for them, the important part of the sex was "connecting" with the guy. So, if he isn't great in bed and/or she doesn't orgasm each time, she enjoyed the "experience" per se.

 

I got this from this radio station where a guy called in frustrated cuz his gf doesn't orgasm each time they have sex.

 

Well, sorry while I get where his gf is coming from. Sex for me - especially at my age has to be "steak" rather than "hamburger"...I'm not gonna get naked and waste my time. No, that doesn't mean that sex always has to be a "10" for me, but it better be good. In an established RL, I'm cool with us having highs and lows with sex, even a quickie now and then. And, when first having sex with a new guy, I understand there is an adjustment period where you two may have to "work" at it a bit till you learn how to please each other.

 

But, again, I'm not getting naked to just have some guy use me as a blow-up doll with a pulse. That's one reason why I turned down the guy I recently crushed on. Yea, I was busy and had other stuff to take care of. But, I wanted a full on sexual experience. What he was proposing to me sounded like a little romp and I'm past those types of situations. If I'm gonna get naked, even for a first time, I'm gonna spend time enjoying him and vice-versa.

 

Also, I'm more of a fan of "quality" vs "quantity". I don't see the guys I date on the regular, but when we see each other - trust me - we make up for lost time Same goes for masturbation with me. Yes, I sorta do it once a nite - but sometimes it starts becoming "routine" and it feels better when I take a break and come back to it and have a full nite and/or full day session. So, when people tell me they have sex every day. I don't see that as a measure of them having a great/healthy sex life. For all we know this great "sex" they have everyday is them boinking like rabbits for 15 minutes.

 

So, IMO, lack of sex in a RL can lead to cheating - but not just cuz sex is a physical act that has its benefits...but also cuz through sex is how a couple bonds.

Edited March 19, 2015 by Gloria25

[preraph]

It's totally different for men and women, and then there's all sorts of different reasons both sexes cheat. For men who are serial cheaters, it does not matter how great their sex life is with their primary parter. More than anything, they are like hungry sharks seeking constant food for their egos and validation that they still have it. It takes variety and constant sexual validation because they don't have a good foundation inside. It props them up. Tiger Woods is the classic example. There are many others.

 

For some, it is just bohemian quest for variety. For some it is a sick quest for control, see how many women they can lock down. For some, it's acting out tied to addiction or a mental instability. There's no one reason.

 

But one thing I know is that just because a guy hasn't had much opportunity to get a woman and acts like it's all he wants, to treat a woman well and all that, doesn't mean he won't cheat on her the first chance he gets. If anything, I've found the ones who weren't always sought after to be the bigger whores once they were able to be, and that's because of the insecurity.

[d0nnivain]

For some that is an excuse but other people are simply jerks who don't know the meaning of fidelity.

[Satu]

The bottom line is that people have affairs because they want to.

[Davey L]

 

So, IMO, lack of sex in a RL can lead to cheating - but not just cuz sex is a physical act that has its benefits...but also cuz through sex is how a couple bonds.

 

Gloria I think you hit the nail on the head here.

 

After a week without any from my wife I am unhappy. After a month I am definitely feeling very disconnected. After two months without I start seriously questioning the relationship and looking at other women.

 

If there's a valid reason like when I'm out of the country on business or if she's seriously ill then I don't feel like that for some reason.

[Gloria25]

Gloria I think you hit the nail on the head here.

 

After a week without any from my wife I am unhappy. After a month I am definitely feeling very disconnected. After two months without I start seriously questioning the relationship and looking at other women.

 

If there's a valid reason like when I'm out of the country on business or if she's seriously ill then I don't feel like that for some reason.

 

And, maybe at some point you will become irritable and aggressive.

 

My last FWB, he said he got to the point where he was irritable, aggressive, and edgy cuz his wife cut him off. He even got to the point where he was repulsed by her. So much when she "tired" to give him some (I guess she sensed he was cheating), he just couldn't get turned on by her anymore.

[Gloria25]

It's totally different for men and women, and then there's all sorts of different reasons both sexes cheat. For men who are serial cheaters, it does not matter how great their sex life is with their primary parter. More than anything, they are like hungry sharks seeking constant food for their egos and validation that they still have it. It takes variety and constant sexual validation because they don't have a good foundation inside. It props them up. Tiger Woods is the classic example. There are many others.

 

For some, it is just bohemian quest for variety. For some it is a sick quest for control, see how many women they can lock down. For some, it's acting out tied to addiction or a mental instability. There's no one reason.

 

But one thing I know is that just because a guy hasn't had much opportunity to get a woman and acts like it's all he wants, to treat a woman well and all that, doesn't mean he won't cheat on her the first chance he gets. If anything, I've found the ones who weren't always sought after to be the bigger whores once they were able to be, and that's because of the insecurity.

 

Lol, I bet "blackhat" will disagree. Oh boy, I wonder if he's gonna chime in here...

[Davey L]

And, maybe at some point you will become irritable and aggressive.

 

My last FWB, he said he got to the point where he was irritable, aggressive, and edgy cuz his wife cut him off. He even got to the point where he was repulsed by her. So much when she "tired" to give him some (I guess she sensed he was cheating), he just couldn't get turned on by her anymore.

 

Yeah it gets kind of irritating to be nagged about stuff and being expected to fulfil your duties as a husband when she's making it plain she's not interested in you any more. Yet when there is plenty of sex you'll happily do anything that she wants

[Gloria25]

Yeah it gets kind of irritating to be nagged about stuff and being expected to fulfil your duties as a husband when she's making it plain she's not interested in you any more. Yet when there is plenty of sex you'll happily do anything that she wants

 

And, I think that's what people just don't get....

 

Men's need/desire to get sex is what drives them. It drives them to go to school, get a job, get goodies (i.e. car, stuff, etc to show off) and earn money to afford a woman and/or marry her. The end state/reward is sex. Plain and simple.

 

Women want kids and a guy to provide/protect for them - and they know the way is to give sex and/or give the impression that at some point they'll give the guy sex.

 

Sad though how sex turns into a weapon instead of something that is shared.

 

One of my relative's ex. She was so mean. She thought the key to keeping him in line was withholding sex and becoming a controlling nag. Well, thankfully they didn't have kids or she'd probably had gotten away with it for a while.

 

Now yes, IMO, women enjoy sex - but IMO, a woman's motivations can push her past the need to have the actual act of sex to get what she needs out of a man and a RL.

 

Then, you have the women's movement - which puts women in the position where they no longer really have to "barter" their sex to get a man to date them. But, at the same time, guys are leaning on women more to "help" them pay bills and then you got scenarios like in "Little Children" where when role reversals happen, changes in libido in the women happens.

 

I could go on and on about the dynamics of sex in RLs.

[Davey L]

I could go on and on about the dynamics of sex in RLs.

 

please do! Any insight from a woman's point of view is helpful. After 20 years together I still don't get how her mind works.

 

I'm a simple bloke. If I'm fed and sexed I'm happy. That's it.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I kind of disagree with you a bit Gloria.

 

For me, my motivation isn't marriage or kids. It is committment but the kind that comes from being in an exclusive relationship. Sex motivates me hugely, purely because I have a huge sex drive and masturbating doesn't cut it after a while.

 

Men are definately largely motivated by sex; it is their endgame. And I think a sexually satisfied male is better in his relationship and will do more for his woman. But I also think a sexually satisfied woman feels better in herself too.

[autumnnight]

I think you ask a pertinent question, Nikki, but once you married sexual frustration/refusal with infidelity, you muddied the waters. See I can understand that cheating is 100% on the person who cheats and that nothing makes people cheat WHILE understanding that FACT that continually neglecting your partner DOES leave them more vulnerable. Those are not mutually exclusive concepts.

 

However, that doesn't fly much a lot of the time. Pretty much anything except cries of "burn her! burn her!" are not acceptable.

 

I think people who are not sexual underestimate the importance of sex for those who are.

[truncated]

saying that someone cheats because they didn't have enough sex is oversimplifying a complex situation.

 

People cheat for all sorts of reasons. Some could be having sex everyday and they will still have a wandering eye. I don't know why that is, excpet that maybe they feel a deep sense of insecurity and a need to feel accepted that can't be met, sort of like a bottomless pit. From what I've seen, men and women like that often had a dysfunctional family life and a constantly looking for the love they never got.

 

 

Others cheat because they have poor coping skills, have a need to feel power and like they are being rebellious, some cheat simply because they can.

 

Some do cheat because they are not getting the quantity and quality of sex they want, which can be a very personal thing. A couple could be having sex five times a day and it still might not satisfy their need for a connection.

 

Mind you, these might explain why someone might cheat, but it does not make it okay.

[2.50 a gallon]

No! No! No!

 

 

The truth is that you would be surprised how often the sex at home can be superior to the affair sex.

A general rule of thumb, is in most cases the cheater affairs down. Meaning the affair partner is less than their spouse. This is more so with women than men, but the gate swings both ways.

Quite often a woman will get involved with a less attractive, skinny, fat, uneducated, unemployed guy, who at the age of 35 is still living with his parents. The sex can be terrible, but she will keep coming back because the OM is saying or doing all of the right things and fulfilling an emotional void, that her husband is not filling.

He takes an interest in her life. He listens to what she has to say, what her opinions are. He tells her how pretty she is and how smart she is, etc.

[Gloria25]

I disagree with you. I am a man and I don't place sex in nearly as high level of importance as you think most men do. There are other reasons for men to go to school and get a good job and work out at the gym and that is to live a better quality of life in general. Even men who have no sexual desire at all should be going to the gym anyway and bettering themselves professionally so they have good health and don't have to worry about having enough money to eat.

 

So you don't date...at all?

 

There are exceptions to the rule....maybe you are one.

 

Like me, I didn't want to learn to cook cuz I felt that it would "domesticate" me when I was a young raging feminazi in development (well, I confess, I did make some darn great cakes from scratch....like those fancy cakes people spend a lot of money on )

 

When I left home and no longer had sisters and mum to cook, yep, eating out and military dining halls got old quick and I learned to cook.

 

I also enjoy cooking for others. Cleaning, tending to a man, being "nurturing" - all the things I fought learning, accepting, and liking are now things I enjoy doing.

 

Has it changed my desire to live w/o a husband, kids, and/or the whole white picket fence? Nope. I still am looking for a long-term monogamous RL with a guy that will not involve us shacking up and/or kids.

 

But regardless of my lack of desire for a husband and kids, I am not going to deny that as a woman, I believe I am born with the natural need/desire to "nurture" others.

 

So, I'm glad that you take care of yourself, study and work on yourself. And, while sex is not a big deal to you, I still believe that while you may not be all gaga about getting laid - the things you naturally feel a desire to do (work and/or go to school to earn money for a living) are still tied into our natural need/desire to do things.

 

I mean, I'm sure that the day you meet a chick, your "job/career", "education", "stuff you have", and/or your ability to take her out to a nice meal will become very, very, important to you...cuz, you will be reverting to what we naturally were ingrained to do.

 

Now, with all the gender-bending going on now a days with women wanting to go 50-50, I still think men still have a natural desire to be providers/protectors and spend their time "preparing" (if you will) for that role. Too many stories of "partners" and 50/50s and/or the woman taking the lead where the guy's start feeling like less of a "man" in the RL.

 

BUT, overall, if having sex and/or RLs with women are something you could care less about, I believe the topic of how sex is important to men in a RL would not apply to you and maybe you need to do a physical and/or psychological exam to see why you have a low desire and/or need for sex and/or female companionship.

[Gloria25]

No! No! No!

 

 

The truth is that you would be surprised how often the sex at home can be superior to the affair sex.

A general rule of thumb, is in most cases the cheater affairs down. Meaning the affair partner is less than their spouse. This is more so with women than men, but the gate swings both ways.

Quite often a woman will get involved with a less attractive, skinny, fat, uneducated, unemployed guy, who at the age of 35 is still living with his parents. The sex can be terrible, but she will keep coming back because the OM is saying or doing all of the right things and fulfilling an emotional void, that her husband is not filling.

He takes an interest in her life. He listens to what she has to say, what her opinions are. He tells her how pretty she is and how smart she is, etc.

 

Well, IMO, your point goes back to how I was explaining the differences between males and females when it comes to sex.

 

See, again, I believe women have sex as a "means to an end". They don't need it like men do and/or see it as an expression of love/appreciation/admiration that men do. Women see it as a nagging physical act and just don't get why men want it so bad. They think men are just horn-dogs.

 

I'll use your example. The woman goes to the OM, cuz he fulfills her emotional void. So, she isn't boinking him cuz of the sex. She gives the sex because it allows her the opportunity to "be" with the guy who is meeting her emotional needs. So, the "sex" is a means to her "end" (in this case to satisfy the guy who is giving her emotional attention).

 

So, lack of sex in a RL doesn't necessarily mean a woman will cheat...cuz if she's getting her needs met in other aspects of the RL, the sex isn't something she's gonna need. But, if the lack of sex makes her feel like her husband/bf is not "connecting" with her, that he doesn't find her attractive, then she's gonna cheat to get attention/connection that she's not getting from her husband/bf. Will it result in her actually having "sex" with another person? Nah, probably an emotional affair...but, eventually, sex will happen cuz again, sex is what she will have to give to the guy on the side who is validating her - who is meeting her emotional needs.

[Gloria25]

I disagree with you. I am a man and I don't place sex in nearly as high level of importance as you think most men do. There are other reasons for men to go to school and get a good job and work out at the gym and that is to live a better quality of life in general. Even men who have no sexual desire at all should be going to the gym anyway and bettering themselves professionally so they have good health and don't have to worry about having enough money to eat.

 

Also, IMO, what you are doing fits into "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs" where we humans all do things in a certain order.

 

So, nurturing your body (food and gym) is what people normally do. Once you get stabilized careerwise and feel secure, then you move on to the next step where is you seeking a mate.

 

That's why I guess a lot of people marry coming out of college - cuz they feel they accomplished their education and are ready for the next step, which is to find a mate and family.

 

And, when you think about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, it makes sense....Why/how can you run around obsessed about dating, having babies, and/or marrying when you are not in the position to do so (i.e. no education, career, self-development/discovery).

 

That's why we have a lot of divorces and/or broken homes now a days. Too many people running to have kids and/or getting married and they are not ready for it.

 

That religious guy that comes on late Saturday night, like a few weeks ago touched on that subject - which was how soo many people jump to get married, but they marry on "potential". They make vows/promises they can't keep cuz they weren't ready to get married in the first place. He said people need to take the time to "prepare" themselves for marriage - so when they meet the right person, they can make vows they can keep.

 

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/60/Maslow%27s_Hierarchy_of_Needs.svg/1280px-Maslow%27s_Hierarchy_of_Needs.svg.png

[Pinkdisney]

The bottom line is that people have affairs because they want to.

 

And I was having regular, perhaps not a lot but 1x a wk with my XH around the time of his affair...which was less about the sex and more about the excitement of new sex.