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I've been dating my boyfriend for 8 months now. Everything is excellent. I have a 13 yo son, full time, and he has no kids. He works 1h away from me and lives between me and his work, approximately 40 min from me.

 

Since my son is still in school we plan to move in together only 5 years from now. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I feel the same. We see each other a lot, and I'm comfortable with this timeline. I'm not really rushing to become Little Miss Homemaker for various reasons anyway, but I'll not make this too long for you to read.

 

Now, last night we've been to select kitchen cabinets, he's remodelling his entire house and he said he's doing it to prepare it for us because he wants to be with me for life. He asked me every step of the way, what cabinets I want, sink, finishes, tile and whatever I said it went. He had asked me if I would see myself living in his house and I said yes, with some changes. When he asked what changes, I brought up some trees that I think need to be cut down. He disagreed on the trees. Which brings me to my issue, whether I'd be able to negotiate the next point, much more important than the trees.

 

Now there is one issue and the question is, do I bring it up now, or wait ? He has two dogs, who live outside and come inside through a doggie door. They go in and out all the time and drag all dirt everywhere. Issue I'm having, they are getting on the bed, with the dirt, sleep with him etc.. When/if we move in together, I don't think I can ever have dogs that go outside in the mud, come in an go on the furniture and moreover, share the bed with us!

 

Should I discuss this with him now, or not worry about it until I have to worry about it? I only spent one night at his house but we expect me to spend a lot of time at his this summer when my son will not be in town. He said we'll see then how the work commute will feel for me. Do I say something about the dogs on the bed then or suck it up? Do I say something now? I wonder if I have a chance to change that, or the dogs on the bed will spell doom for us? I know he loves them, I don't want them outside, but I really really don't want them on the bed. How do I handle this difference?

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Shining One

I think it's wise to bring it up sooner rather than later.

You need to find out if this will be a deal breaker for either of you.

If agrees with you, then he will need time to train the dogs accordingly.

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Talk about it, but with an attitude of finding a solution you both can accept. Not with an idea of how it should be.

 

For instance, my dog is allowed on furniture downstairs, but not allowed in the bedrooms. That's a compromise. Further, she doesn't have a doggie door. She is let in and out, and every. single. time. she comes in, if it is muddy out, she is made to sit and we wipe each of her 4 feet, individually :) Yes, it's a bit of extra work, but it means that she lives with us happily!

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I would probably try to casually mention it some night this summer when you are at his place and the timing seems right. I don't think there needs to be a huge discussion about it right now (five years is a long time off), but you can say enough so that he knows how you feel about the dogs on the beds and furniture. For what it's worth, I agree with you.

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Ninjainpajamas

"Little things" or differences can lead to huge differences and disagreements, and its more important how you handle disagreements than just rate them by threat level and just assume you can deal with those things later...which I've noticed is a common pattern with women who think they can change or tweak men.

 

This feels very honey-moon phase-ish, because IMO your communication level should be there if you're really on that level...it's easy to talk about five years down the road and forever with the home and superficial dreamy fantasies only 8 months into the relationship. But that's not the compatibility phase, that comes later when the butterflies of perfection and getting along so well because we already spend so much time together...starts to wear off.

 

While you may experienced, emotions/ideals are a hard thing to fight within yourself from getting in over your head, but there's no question that you should put all cards on the table sooner than later..especially if you consider yourself a mature person who knows what they want.

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Thanks everyone! I know now we feel like it's going to be forever and it's easy to make a five year plan and dream, but five years is a very long time and a ton could happen in the meantime. Including...we may break up way before 5 years, despite now both being sure that we found our soulmate. So this is why I wasn't sure if I should bother discussing a hypothetical situation and create unnecessary conflict now. Pets and children are very sensitive topics.

 

Now, it is clear that when two people move in together, both need to make adjustments to make room for the other in their lives. Where he lives is not my preference, but I see the practicality of it and in the end, it matters less to me where the house is located, as long as it's safe. That would be one compromise I'd make. Then, being that I'd move into his house, not in a house that I chose for myself (together), that's another compromise I'd make. Now it's a man cave, he'll have to make some concessions too to make my life (and any partner's life) comfortable enough. We can't partner up and keep the exact same routine as before.

 

But, given the long timeline and the moving in seeming kinda hypothetical right now....should I discuss the terms now, I was wondering? How many of my preferences should I negotiate 5 years in advance? Dogs can die, house could be taken away by a tornado, one of us may get sick, move away or break up. After reading your input though, I think that I do need to bring this up now. Love the dogs, I got attached to them, I want them with us, but on the long term, I am really, not matter how much I'll try, not going to be able to accept sleeping with them, given they actually live outside. If they were living inside and if it was just one dog...yes, maybe I could.

 

I will definitely bring this up though. Soon. Probably in the summer or even much earlier. I'd like to hear his feelings on the topic and try to foresee how we could handle this, and maybe other future disagreements. He's definitely a bit stubborn, he admitted on that. He didn't build a company by backing up easily on negotiations, but as long as we both recognize that we're on the same team and both our goals are to be happy together, it can work out. It's a bit of a change, because I am used to do whatever I please. My ex-husband let me drive the train, I always made most of the big decisions. This will be different.

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Ninjainpajamas

Personally I usually just mention things when I feel them or notice a pattern in my thinking/feeling, it's never a timed and planned out moment, I always express myself and i'm not really scared to challenge myself or a relationship...so for me you're kind of asking for advice that for me, just kinds of beats around the bush or avoids confrontation until absolutely necessary....which is not my personality or way of doing things.

 

But I feel in life in general...or even in sales, people always want to feel informed and know what they're signing up for...if I try to avoid it and then later on they found out or were told after the fact, they're much less comprising and understanding...if I tell them ahead if time the bad things or the potential of something being a problem, they're much more aware and prepared for it.

 

Additionally and more importantly in relationships, it's just being honest and reflecting who you are and what you really like. If you wait on certain things to make them an issue only when you feel the time is right, you could just be sitting on a ticking time-bomb or that person could feel misled and manipulated because they had an impression it was always fine to you or that you actually liked it...I see guys get fooled all the time as women fake a smile and interest they don't have or what not...they assume she is fine and accepting because men are generally clueless and unaware, then the bomb drops and its like this betrayal.

 

But that's just me, I know most of the world is scared to do a lot of things and try to choose that path easiest for them and provides the least amount of stress or challenge...it's up to you, just be careful of what the consequences may be, you may find yourself tip toeing around issues to avoid conflict all of the time and setting yourself for a downfall, not to mention you'll be stressed over it until it's addressed and it just picks at you.

 

Does that mean you need to resolve every issue right now? No, but at least make them known and see how you deal with them.

 

Personally I wouldn't say anything only if I didn't care where it was going because she isn't long term material anyway...so why rock the boat.

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BluEyeL- Hahaaaaa, I heart you. I think Jeff Lewis is my long lost twin. So I have two pups and two kids and am a neato too. Wipes and hand sanitizer in my purse and car. I have a Shark and a Miele! ;)

I would say go easy at this point. You are talking about things. He is giving and so you will give back. Oy, the big R huh?

 

This will drive you bonkers at some point if you are not on the same page so you will let him know easy that some change is around the corner. Gradually.

He seems to be welcoming you into his world so little things here and there and conversations about it. Actions speak volumes so start taking some initiative with the puppies and cleanliness so he starts to see your standard.

 

You are so right to think and act about it now, before the move in. Congrats!

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whichwayisup

Now, last night we've been to select kitchen cabinets, he's remodelling his entire house and he said he's doing it to prepare it for us because he wants to be with me for life. He asked me every step of the way, what cabinets I want, sink, finishes, tile and whatever I said it went. He had asked me if I would see myself living in his house and I said yes, with some changes. When he asked what changes, I brought up some trees that I think need to be cut down. He disagreed on the trees. Which brings me to my issue, whether I'd be able to negotiate the next point, much more important than the trees.

 

Why would you want trees cut down? How big are they? you know they will not 'just' cut down a tree because someone doesn't it, especially if it's a big tree. Only way they will cut it is if there's something wrong with it.

 

5 years is a long time away. For him to renovate now and do all these changes? I say wait until you're in the last year and see how things are.

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Ohhh you need to bring this up now.

 

My dogs are like his I am afraid. When they get into bed and clean their paws before I can grab them I just change the sheets... :cool:

 

I wouldn't mind my dogs not sleeping on the bed however it is where they have always slept and my deaf one in particular "needs" that physical contact while she sleeps. Granted she could probably be retrained. The other is just "mummys baby girl" and sticks to me like glue anyway... They do occasionally sleep on the sofa or (heaven forbid) their own proper dog bed!

 

Seriously though its things like this that can make or break when you are living with someone.

 

Don't get why you would want trees cut down though.

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Why would you want trees cut down? How big are they? you know they will not 'just' cut down a tree because someone doesn't it, especially if it's a big tree. Only way they will cut it is if there's something wrong with it.

 

5 years is a long time away. For him to renovate now and do all these changes? I say wait until you're in the last year and see how things are.

Trees are covering up the front of the house completely, looks like a jungle, landscape is nonexistent, and the living room is dark because of this. But not such huge deal. Id find a way to clean up and plant flowers in the back. Really, I'd rather buy a new place with a lifelong partner than move into his, but I said fine about the trees.And the house. I have my own and I plan to keep mine too. If I want to sit on the front porch and see people, I'll go to mine. Not all that critical.

 

I'll bring up the dogs on the bed and in an out, just so he knows.

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Ohhh you need to bring this up now.

 

My dogs are like his I am afraid. When they get into bed and clean their paws before I can grab them I just change the sheets... :cool:

 

I wouldn't mind my dogs not sleeping on the bed however it is where they have always slept and my deaf one in particular "needs" that physical contact while she sleeps. Granted she could probably be retrained. The other is just "mummys baby girl" and sticks to me like glue anyway... They do occasionally sleep on the sofa or (heaven forbid) their own proper dog bed!

 

Seriously though its things like this that can make or break when you are living with someone.

 

Don't get why you would want trees cut down though.

Now you're single and it's fine to sleep with the dogs. But if a partner comes into the picture, a long term one, I think very few people would be cool with that.

 

Trees can stay. Whatever.

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Now you're single and it's fine to sleep with the dogs. But if a partner comes into the picture, a long term one, I think very few people would be cool with that.

 

Trees can stay. Whatever.

 

:laugh: I am sure my dogs will train them... They are pretty amazing at getting people to do things they wouldn't normally without them noticing!!!

 

They do take up quite a bit of space and they fart under the covers...

 

As I intimated if there were someone else in there too I wouldn't mind the dogs sleeping else where. They occasionally do anyway.

 

Last 3 guys that have slept in my bed were not bothered.

 

Last one would pick up the deaf one and bring her with him when he came to bed. But then she developed a particular crush on him! I think it was mutual.

 

One before that moaned sometimes but refused to kick them out or tell them no... he also let them beg and steal food off of plates which drove me up the wall. Before he came along I could leave a plate of food on the floor, go off and come back and it would not be touched. He let them take food off of his plate while he was eating... I can feel the stress levels rising now as I think about it!

 

One before that was pretty much as I am...

 

But you need to talk about this stuff.

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But they're not there anymore. The guys. I'm fine with whatever he does now, but I don't live there. When it's supposed to be your home too, it becomes a bit different than spending some nights over.

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Our dogs slept with us until I got pregnant. At that point, the dogs took a back seat to my comfort and the expected baby. I didn't want the dogs to associate getting kicked out of the bedroom with the baby's arrival, so we kicked them out months before the baby arrived.

 

My point is, priorities can change. Dogs can adjust. I don't know, of course, how flexible your guy will ultimately be on this issue, but it isn't like everyone who has dogs in the bed puts dogs in the bed ahead of people.

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If he disagrees, maybe I could sleep in a different bedroom and he could sleep with the dogs.

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I found myself in this position, and just straight up said something. I was nice, and humorous about it.

 

I think I said something like, "oh I don't like to sleep with dogs in the bed, although I understand why you've done it while you were single. I want to be the only one in your bed with you. Let's get a doggie bed for the dogs so we can have the whole bed to roll around in."' Wink. Wink.

 

When he gave me a bit of trouble about it, I laughed and said, "it's either me or the dogs in bed with you. You choose." End of story. The dogs got their own doggie beds, and he got to sleep with me.

 

I wouldn't worry about the trees or other house stuff. That's five years away. Don't act like its your house until it is. But you can choose not to sleep with dogs. That's a "now" situation, and one you have a stake in.

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PinkInTheLimo

I honestly could not date anyone who has a big dog. Maybe a beagle (my favourite dog), maybe a jack russell. But nothing bigger than that. I know a friend who has a Newfoundlander. Very sweet dog but simply... too much dog! This dog weighs as much as I do. Drools all the time, spreads its dog cologne,... And you should hear that beast eat... slurp, slurp, slurp. And then of course... big beast, lots of food results in huge heaps of poo...

 

And no dog in the bedroom please!!! No cat either.

 

I love animals but I prefer not to have them. I might make an exception for one or two cats.

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autumnnight

The more I read, to be candid, the less I think this is his issue. You say he is a bit stubborn, but step back a bit and read your posts. You may be a tad demanding.

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The more I read, to be candid, the less I think this is his issue. You say he is a bit stubborn, but step back a bit and read your posts. You may be a tad demanding.

 

How am I demanding exactly?

 

I own my house, that I like and I choose, I would accept moving into his instead of "demanding" buying a new one together. I like to live in the city (albeit small), he lives in a cornfield and I'd accept to move in there and commute 40 minutes to work (now my commute is 2 miles) instead of "demanding" a more "normal" subdivision. I like the front of the house visible from the street and being able to see people passing, he doesn't want to see anyone and wants to have complete privacy, so I'm compromising on that. I like white or pale yellow walls and contemporary furniture, he has a log house, walls are, well, log, and I'll take that too. I prefer dogs to be outside and separated from the main area of the house, maybe come just into the basement and have their beds, there, not go on any furniture, instead I would accept them dragging dirt everywhere except the bed. The only thing I want is not to sleep with dogs, and they're not small dogs. If you feel that's too "demanding", probably it's because you may have dogs and feel strongly about sleeping with them. Or I don't know. I really don't see myself as demanding, more like extremely flexible.

 

But of course is not his "issue" either. It is what it is, we are different people with different preferences and lifestyles.

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autumnnight
How am I demanding exactly?

 

I own my house, that I like and I choose, I would accept moving into his instead of "demanding" buying a new one together. I like to live in the city (albeit small), he lives in a cornfield and I'd accept to move in there and commute 40 minutes to work (now my commute is 2 miles) instead of "demanding" a more "normal" subdivision. I like the front of the house visible from the street and being able to see people passing, he doesn't want to see anyone and wants to have complete privacy, so I'm compromising on that. I like white or pale yellow walls and contemporary furniture, he has a log house, walls are, well, log, and I'll take that too. I prefer dogs to be outside and separated from the main area of the house, maybe come just into the basement and have their beds, there, not go on any furniture, instead I would accept them dragging dirt everywhere except the bed. The only thing I want is not to sleep with dogs, and they're not small dogs. If you feel that's too "demanding", probably it's because you may have dogs and feel strongly about sleeping with them. Or I don't know. I really don't see myself as demanding, more like extremely flexible.

 

But of course is not his "issue" either. It is what it is, we are different people with different preferences and lifestyles.

 

I do not have big dirty dogs. However, the tone of this post is what I am talking about. But whatever. Good luck.

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It seems like it truly bothers you, so I would bring it up. The trick is to bring it up in a supportive and calm way.

You could mention that you understand how close he is to the dogs and you don't want to come between that relationship, though you don't want a dirty bed.

Offer other suggestions, such as a doggy bed by the floor.

 

Make sure that it doesn't turn into a fight, as he may be rather receptive to your ideas. I'd understand the need for a clean bed, that's for sure. Be open, don't get aggressive, and see where it goes. His ideas may not change over night, but it will give you insight into the future as to how everything will work out.

 

I hope this helps!

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I do not have big dirty dogs. However, the tone of this post is what I am talking about. But whatever. Good luck.

That's annoyed or aggressive, not demanding. Good luck in your endeavors too.

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It's done.It was extremely easy. I brought it up tonight and he immediately said that the dogs don't have to be on the bed.

 

:He also said that he doesn't like my bed, if we are to bring up stuff we don't like about our respective houses :D And he'll buy me a bed. Hey, don't let me stop you! :)

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