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How does one? [Updated]


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Even get their OW or OM?

Are you honest at first telling them, "Hey... I already have SO, but I truly like you..."

 

I have two friends, and they have done this route just upfront been honest... and it has worked well for them.

 

 

I've stressed this before... and the person usually resulted in.. "I'm GOING TO TELL ON YOU!" :mad::mad::mad:

 

 

So, when trying to find OW or OM how does one do it?

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Even get their OW or OM?

Are you honest at first telling them, "Hey... I already have SO, but I truly like you..."

 

I have two friends, and they have done this route just upfront been honest... and it has worked well for them.

 

 

I've stressed this before... and the person usually resulted in.. "I'm GOING TO TELL ON YOU!" :mad::mad::mad:

 

 

So, when trying to find OW or OM how does one do it?

 

I don't know if people are "trying to find" OW or OM unless they are going to such sites that encourages this and in that case it is pretty clear why they are there, what their intentions are and that it needs to be discreet.

 

Other situations include just knowing they are attached because it's common knowledge among the co-workers/colleagues/office or it was something that started within the "friend circle". So all the spouses know each other and are friends/friendly.

 

The only scenarios I can imagine that would not make your attachment obvious is places where you can easily pose as being single and then it might be hit or me that you being a MM/MW find someone in similar situation. This scenario seems that one isn't looking for anything more that a "good night", so you don't have to discuss anything including your real name/age.

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This is what my h told me...

 

He told his ow he is married but in a process of separating ...followed by how emotionally broken he is and how he did not connect with me and we had tons of emotional issues ....as though he needed rescuing ...she took the bait and spent the next 18 months being his yes girl to all the things I said no to...and making his life easy and simple from the complicated emotional breakdown he was having

 

Facts: I am married 8 years together 9 years ..We have never talked about separation or divorce until i caught his affair and told him I wanted a d on dday while he kept repeating he did not want one .I had no clue he was emotionally broken or unhappy with m...He looked fine to me.

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still_an_Angel

I think a lot of people find themselves in this situation, those ones who end up in real relationships anyway. It leaves them wondering sometimes how could they end up as the OW/OM when their values should have been otherwise. But then again, there are websites dedicated to "committed" people but looking for something on the side so people there are actively seeking out extra-marital relationships. Those ones are quite clear where they're coming from, so choosing to engage with a person from that site would mean you're also looking for a side dish.

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I am pretty naive. Never even thought of how to start an affair. Never even thought I'd have an affair. Always wondered why people in affairs didn't just leave their husbands and wives first. I definitely was not looking for an affair. And yet, I am in one, for two years now with a married man. Don't know why anyone would want to do this on purpose. Why not go find someone who is actually available for a relationships. Being the OW can be very painful. Being OM not so much I don't think.

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I can give an example...this happened to me yesterday

 

I was at a conference with a group of my colleagues yesterday. During a break a male colleague of mine I have worked with for 3 years struck up a seemingly innocent conversation about relationships. He mentioned he was a serial monogamist and has only had 2 partners in 24 years - his wife and his ex wife. And he mentions in passing he can see why after so long people start considering affairs, ie. he was saying that HE was considering an affair...I just smiled and nodded. Conversation ended.

 

Then later during the day he tells me he values my opinion and would love to sit down and have a few drinks with me to get my opinion on a few things. He is more senior to me so I am a little flattered he values MY opinion.

 

Then we go to dinner with the group and there is alcohol consumed. He opens up about his sex life with his wife. No disparaging remarks, but certainly more familiar than ordinary colleagues.

 

On his way out when he leaves, he grabs me by the back of my head and kisses my forehead. Seemingly innocent but incredibly affectionate and sweet.

 

We have team drinks organised for tomorrow night and he will be there for the first time in a long time because the rumour goes that his wife is a little controlling and doesn't let him socialise after work with colleagues too often.

 

Now, Im not doing anything here - hell no - because I value my career and his wife is a bit of a tyrant so Id never want to cross her....But this actually happened to me last night. Its that simple.

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Two days ago I had an incident(chance meeting) with a woman I knew in college that had balls the size of King Kong in her approach to hooking up, and I had not seen her in 20 years.

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Even get their OW or OM?

Are you honest at first telling them, "Hey... I already have SO, but I truly like you..."

 

I have two friends, and they have done this route just upfront been honest... and it has worked well for them.

 

 

I've stressed this before... and the person usually resulted in.. "I'm GOING TO TELL ON YOU!" :mad::mad::mad:

 

 

So, when trying to find OW or OM how does one do it?

 

I think a lot of people don't consciously go out searching for an OW/OM but simply feed inappropriate friendships (with work colleagues, family friend, other person) and then it goes from friendship and slips and slides right into an affair.

 

But of course some married folks do specifically go out looking for that. I think some who want to be explicit about it go on websites for married people looking to cheat or go on other dating sites and just admit they're married and hope for the best. Many also lie about being married and either act completely single or make up a believable story about being separated or living like roommates so that the OW/OM feels like the marriage is 2 inches from over anyway or that the spouse won't care if they are seeing someone else.

 

In my own case he wasn't married but was in a LTR, had he said "I'm in a relationship and plan to still be in it but I want you too" I would have been like...:rolleyes:. However, it was a case of both of the options I mentioned: friendship and him also downplaying the truth of his situation. We initially met and were acquaintances and at the time he did say he had a gf but I wasn't looking at him romantically so it was just a passing comment to me that I forgot about since I didn't see him often and wasn't concerned about his relationship status. We interacted periodically but not often. Then one day we got to interacting and messaging each other more and he approached me like a single man would, flirting and all the rest and I remembered nothing about the gf he mentioned several months before or at least I figured they broke up (since people break up with their gfs all the time). He never brought up having a gf again and instead would ALWAYS refer to her as his child's mother, so he would say "Chris's mom" every time he spoke of her, he did this on purpose, as doing that made it seem like they were co-parents, she was the mother of his child and nothing more. In fact I didn't even associate the gf he mentioned to me when we first met and "Chris's mom" as being the same person because he truly made it seem like they had absolutely no relationship and had none for years and she was simply the mother of his child. He failed to mention that "Chris's mom" is not only his child's mom but current gf and they're still together :rolleyes:. It was almost a year in where something happened and then it came to light that he was still with her and I was floored, but by then I was already hooked so found it harder to walk away.

Edited by MissBee
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I can give an example...this happened to me yesterday

 

I was at a conference with a group of my colleagues yesterday. During a break a male colleague of mine I have worked with for 3 years struck up a seemingly innocent conversation about relationships. He mentioned he was a serial monogamist and has only had 2 partners in 24 years - his wife and his ex wife. And he mentions in passing he can see why after so long people start considering affairs, ie. he was saying that HE was considering an affair...I just smiled and nodded. Conversation ended.

 

Then later during the day he tells me he values my opinion and would love to sit down and have a few drinks with me to get my opinion on a few things. He is more senior to me so I am a little flattered he values MY opinion.

 

Then we go to dinner with the group and there is alcohol consumed. He opens up about his sex life with his wife. No disparaging remarks, but certainly more familiar than ordinary colleagues.

 

On his way out when he leaves, he grabs me by the back of my head and kisses my forehead. Seemingly innocent but incredibly affectionate and sweet.

 

We have team drinks organised for tomorrow night and he will be there for the first time in a long time because the rumour goes that his wife is a little controlling and doesn't let him socialise after work with colleagues too often.

 

Now, Im not doing anything here - hell no - because I value my career and his wife is a bit of a tyrant so Id never want to cross her....But this actually happened to me last night. Its that simple.

 

His wife is probably an alleged tyrant because she picks up on his philandering ways. I always find it ironic that cheating MM are said to have controlling wives who "don't let them" do things when they are neck deep in an affair or have had many...I'm like huh???!!! If his wife is that controlling how is he doing that then? It doesn't add up. The poor woman is probably insecure and knows about her husband's tendencies hence extra vigilance and what seems like tyranny.

 

Are you attracted to him?

 

I can't fathom someone at my job senior to me behaving like that towards me and me being flattered by it...I'd feel so uncomfortable.

 

In any case, I do think part of the equation is a kind of grooming. I think like what this guy did, they test the waters and start with something seemingly innocuous but still enough to be a little inappropriate and if the receiving party isn't uncomfortable or doesn't tell them to buzz off they up the ante to more inappropriate conversations and then gauge the reaction again and if it isn't shock or shutting it down, they further push the envelope and like in your case move from inappropriate conversations about their sex life to physical contact, grabbing and kissing. You didn't react with any sense of shock or anything it seems so I imagine he will approach you again. In many ways it's about finding who you think would be receptive, as I assume people don't think every and anyone is open to their advances, so they seem to know who to pick by feeling them out through a gradual pushing of boundaries and seeing if the person stops it or is amenable to it.

Edited by MissBee
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His wife is probably an alleged tyrant because she picks up on his philandering ways. I always find it ironic that cheating MM are said to have controlling wives who "don't let them" do things when they are neck deep in an affair or have had many...I'm like huh???!!! If his wife is that controlling how is he doing that then? It doesn't add up. The poor woman is probably insecure and knows about her husband's tendencies hence extra vigilance and what seems like tyranny.

 

Are you attracted to him?

 

I can't fathom someone at my job senior to me behaving like that towards me and me being flattered by it...I'd feel so uncomfortable.

 

In any case, I do think part of the equation is a kind of grooming. I think like what this guy did, they test the waters and start with something seemingly innocuous but still enough to be a little inappropriate and if the receiving party isn't uncomfortable or doesn't tell them to buzz off they up the ante to more inappropriate conversations and then gauge the reaction again and if it isn't shock or shutting it down, they further push the envelope and like in your case move from inappropriate conversations about their sex life to physical contact, grabbing and kissing. You didn't react with any sense of shock or anything it seems so I imagine he will approach you again. In many ways it's about finding who you think would be receptive, as I assume people don't think every and anyone is open to their advances, so they seem to know who to pick by feeling them out through a gradual pushing of boundaries and seeing if the person stops it or is amenable to it.

 

I have met her a handful of times and each time she has actually been quite rude, but I take it all in my stride. Whilst she is passionate and fiery and fearless, she is also judgmental, rude and a snob. The first time I met her I had my family with me and I was also pregnant - hardly a threat to her and her marriage... and she was still outwardly rude...I just shrugged her off - its her problem... not mine.

 

 

Honestly, I don't know the truth of it, but he doesn't seem like a serial cheater to me... more that he's reached a point in his life where he's just over it... again, not my problem.

 

 

To answer your question - no, I'm not attracted to him. We share some common interests and and our conversations are always interesting, but its a friendship... no attrition. We've been platonic friends for 3 years with zero incidents, so when things turned strange yesterday I think I questioned what I was hearing and seeing....A bit surprised really. It was only on reflection after the kiss that I put it all together.

 

 

In any case, nothing will be happening. I will not risk my career that I've worked too damn hard for.

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I can't say we went out looking. We worked together on some projects, appreciated the other's person thinking/contributions and came to rely on them as an ally. Then we had the oh so cliched after work drinks with a group of people (one of the few I have been on) and I noticed that he asked me multiple times if I was going to be there. I had started finding him very attractive so that flattered me.

 

We talked further and one thing led to the another.

 

Very similar how one would go about dating/attraction if single. Just where you see the moment of heightened interest you just don't shut it down.

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I never looked for an OM...but he found me when my marriage was on the rocks. I knew I had to leave my husband, but was under a lot of pressure of obligation and guilt...from my husband, and my family who does not believe in divorce. I was alone (yes, alone in my marriage as well as no friends), depressed, and vulnerable. I had noticed him a year before (we worked in the same building), and thought, "He's hot, if I were single I would want him." But that was it...no contact until a year later when my marriage fell apart. We became friends, took breaks together where we would talk...it felt so good to have this gorgeous guy interested in being my friend. He knew I was married and torn up about the knowledge my marriage was over and I was planning on leaving...he propositioned me...I did not jump on it. It was a really tough decision for me...I was in a lot of turmoil. But I was weak, and he was so very, very, sexy, charming, sweet, caring, kind....and my husband was being a complete bastard to me. I gave in...we started an affair, then I got the courage up to leave my marriage. I loved him so much...deeply, passionately, with a fierce devotion. He turned out to be a Borderline and he destroyed me....7 years of insanity. I still miss him...I sacrificed so much for him, and ended up with PTSD, an OP on him, and so damaged I really never want another relationship ever again. And he was abusive...not all the time...but when it was bad it was REALLY BAD. I realize I still love the man he was, that I thought he was, when I fell in love with him...but that is only one side of the coin..Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. No tolerance left for Mr. Hyde...so I lost my love, Dr. Jekyl..who started as the OM...but who I originally planned on spending the rest of my life with.

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