! How can I move on and be happy again?

[JonasD]

Thank you very much for helping me out! I'm a little desperate and I don't know who to ask for help, so I came here. I'm really sorry for the long post, but I need to let this all out and hope you understand the whole picture and give me your advice.

I'll start by describing myself:

 

I'm 24 years old, my friends know me for being a very happy, noble person and a gentleman. Although I've had many chances to start relationships with several women, I've never had a girlfriend because I always end up backing out for two reasons: 1) no one has made me feel anything special and 2) I've always been quite okay by myself so I don't feel like having to work and making efforts to date someone who just doesn't make me feel "it" (I know this is wrong but that's just me).

 

Two years ago I studied a semester abroad, where I became really close friends with another exchange student. Less than a month before we both returned to our countries surprise surprise: I realized I had fallen in love with her... really hard but, for many reasons, I didn't act on it. On our last night, I kind of tried to tell her (but didn't), she got a little emotional, asked me if I wanted her (I didn't answer) and then just spent the night sleeping with her head on my chest.

 

We continued to talk a lot after we left, and last year she came to visit me with another friend from the semester abroad. I noticed she was very touchy and cuddly, but I refused to act on it (even though I was still in love with her). Right when we were saying our last goodbyes I told her I loved her; she started crying and told me "please don't say that". That was it.

 

When she got back to her home, she texted me "please don't for get me, I'm sorry it has to be this way but distance is really bad... it's better this way". Then she started telling me that she wasn't happy at home and stuff like "I wished you lived closer", "you're like my guardian angel", "my happy self exists because of you", etc. And she also started sending sad love songs that just spoke to me. I thought hey... I need to do something. So I sent her a letter (I know...) telling her how I felt and asking her if she ever felt the same way; she said it was beautiful and made her cry and that she would reply in some time.

 

After that, things continued as usual. Then out of the blue, she stopped texting... So I got the message. We stopped talking for about 2 months, then she started texting me again; and I was pretty cold with her. She noticed this and told me she was sorry for dissappearing for a while but she was very busy with school, she told me she didn't want to lose me. That felt really bad.

 

Now, again we're back to normal and she said her letter will be arriving soon. The thing is, I've been constantly depressed because of this for a while... It hurts me to know I'll never be with her, but I'm not willing to lose her to feel better because, as odd as it may seem, nothing makes me happier than her. How can I just move on and accept we'll only be friends? How can I help myself want someone else than her and be happy again?

[preraph]

My main concern is what kept you from acting on it when you liked each other? As far as the distance goes, if you're both in school, and you end up making good money as adults, one of you could move to be with the other. But I feel there's a big problem that is keeping you from acting on your love.

[JonasD]

Hi! Thanks for replying!

 

I too think there might be a problem that's kept me from acting on love on previous ocassions, but I had just never felt it so I wasn't sure...

 

In this case, there were 3 things that kept me from acting on it:

1) I didn't think she liked me back, so...

2) I didn't want to risk my friendship with her and

3) Most importantly, there was too little time left and I was scared I would fall harder and end up more hurt from having to say goodbye.

 

On future plans, I don't think she feels the same way I do, which is why I want to "learn" how to move on and accept it. I still have to wait for her letter, but what will it say? I bet it'll say hat she doesn't feel the same way and I'll be left the same way, heartbroken and still dwelling on the past...

[eye of the storm]

When I have had to move on from relationships, I spend some time grieving the loss, then I think about lessons learned (good and bad), then I put it where it needs to be...in the past and move on. Its hard but we cannot live in the past. We need to keep moving.

 

One of the lessons you might learn is to act. You fell in love but were so concerned about so many things not in your control, that you let the opportunity pass you by.

 

There are a million times people say, "I never regret the things I tried, I only regret the things I didn't". The reason for that saying is even if what you try fails, you got something out of it. Even if it is just a lesson on how to not to do something.

 

For example, my son fell out of a tree once (ok, more than once). Sitting in the doc's office getting him stitched up I asked him what he learned. I'm sure the nurse was expecting to hear "stay out of trees" but instead my son starting talking about learning how to check branches for strength. He got hurt climbing, but it didn't stop him from climbing, it just taught him how to climb better.

 

Taking the leap for love isn't always going to work. But don't stop leaping. Just learn better what you are leaping for, and make sure it is worth the effort. If it is, back up, start running, and then leap for all you are worth.

[JonasD]

Thank you very much for your reply!

 

I think you're absolutely right, and I really loved how you wrote it... it got to me. The problem with me is that's exactly my problem... I can't seem to just accept it, learn from it and move on. Considering it's the first time in my 24 years living I've felt that way, something inside me makes me believe that I'll never find someone like her, that I'll never feel the same way I felt about her again. I know that's probably not true but, how do I convince myself to just move on?

[TheGagagirl1234]

I know how you feel. I've liked a guy from my college who moved away, but he didn't like me. He recently started dating another girl, and it still makes me depressed. Other people think I'm a happy person, because I always laugh a lot, but that's just because I want to hide the negative emotions. I think we should see an unhappy love as a lesson and not as a hurtful "object". Yes, it WILL hurt but you can't just throw the pain away. It takes time to get over someone, but think about this: It's even harder to love someone who doesn't love you back. If that is the case, then it's best to accept the truth and move on. Honestly, there are like 7 billion people on Earth, and I highly doubt that none of them never will love you in return. You deserve someone who's better for you. I know it's hard, but there really is nothing you can do, because she doesn't feel the same. It's a state we all will be going through somehow in our lives. You live and learn. And a negative experience with love just gives you more lessons to remember and to use in the future.

Edited January 28, 2015 by TheGagagirl1234

[JonasD]

Thank you very much for replying TheGagagirl1234!

 

Before I met her I used to think love was just lust; I thought people were very exaggerated and dramatic when it came to "love". Nobody had ever been on my mind for longer than a month, and that was because I saw them everyday. Now even though I've seen her for only a couple of weeks in one and a half years, I can't get her of my mind. Funny how life teaches lessons huh?

 

What you said is completely true, and I understand it. It's not fair for me to be with someone who doesn't love me, nor is it fair for her to be with someone she doesn't love. But I just still can't shed my feelings for her (we still talk pretty often, which makes it harder) which is what's so frustrating. You see, what is bothering me so much is not "why can't we be together and why doesn't she love me back? (I mean, of course everything would be perfect if we were)"... what's bothering me a lot is "why do I still love her and feel this way even if I know it's not happening?"

 

I guess I just need time... Thanks a lot!!!!

[eye of the storm]

JonasD, I love pizza. Crave it. Even bad pizza. But pizza does not love me. I pay the price each and every time I eat it. Sometimes the things/people we love don't love us back. There are sometimes a reason, but sometimes there really isn't. It just is.

 

And her loving you back....that would be amazing, but right now, she doesn't. She does care for you. But she doesn't love you the way you love her.

 

Is it because you waited? Is it because she loves another? Is it because her favorite ice cream is strawberry? The answer is ... maybe

 

I think loving someone is a choice, I personally don't believe in soul mates.

 

So go on, live your life. Don't close yourself off. And you will find that person that loves you as much as you love them.

[TheGagagirl1234]

You see, what is bothering me so much is not "why can't we be together and why doesn't she love me back? (I mean, of course everything would be perfect if we were)"... what's bothering me a lot is "why do I still love her and feel this way even if I know it's not happening?"

 

I guess I just need time... Thanks a lot!!!!

 

Well, no one knows the answer to that, but as I said before, I know exactly how you feel. We can't control our emotions, and there is NOTHING wrong with you and her. She can't control her feelings; nor can you, and it's NOT your fault she doesn't love you back. If we could, then love wouldn't be a special thing. It's frustrating, but we have to accept and deal with our feelings, whether we like it or not. I know I may sound cold, but that's what the truth is. You can't escape from those emotions. They will dissapear if you give yourself time to improve yourself from the lessons you've learned. It may take weeks, months, and even years to get over someone we have had feelings for. But we don't get anywhere in the progress if we don't accept the situation as it is. We're all bound to go through this somehow, and there are plenty of other girls out there who eventually will love and accept you for who you are. If you haven't already, then I recommend listening to Fighter by Christina Aguilera. It's the most important song to me at the moment, and it actually makes me feel stronger. It says a lot about this topic, especially the chorus.

[JonasD]

Thanks again for all your replies!

 

I don't believe in soulmates either, but this is making me rethink if loving someone truly is a choice? I don't think it's a choice... unless it's something subconscious and out of our conscious control, I believe there's an extra something somewhere in there that can't be explained. Hurting over someone and not accepting to move on, that I believe is a choice.. one I have to change already.

 

Thank you very much for your kind words thegagagirl and thank you for the song recommendation, it was pretty good. Although in this case I believe she never meant to hurt me, so I found it to be a little angry haha. Either way, I'll just need time. Maybe I need her to actually tell me that she doesn't love me back, because she never actually said it, so I can get some closure.