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How long before widowers can date?


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Old 12th January 2015, 8:34 AM   #1
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How long before widowers can date?

I'm going on a date with a widow and was just wondering what the normal time frame is before a widow can date again.

I'm sure it differs from person to person, but I raise this question because one of the contestants on the Bachelor, Kelsey, just lost her husband a year and a half ago. That seems way too early to date again but I understand it depends on the person. Hell, it took me a year and a half to get over a breakup. I would imagine a death would take several years to get over, if not a lifetime.
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Old 12th January 2015, 12:35 PM   #2
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A lot of factors go into this. Especially if the deceased had been sick for a while, the person had time to make peace with the events.

For some death can be a bit "easier". It's not really easy but it's not personal either. In a break up, especially if you were the dumpee, the other person left because they rejected you. Your spouse didn't die to get away from you.
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Old 12th January 2015, 12:44 PM   #3
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IMO, the best way to know is to go.

It'll be readily obvious where their focus is; IMO, simply be open to it and go with it. Dating is getting to know someone and that process will reveal where they are in their grieving/recovery of/from the death of a loved one.
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Old 12th January 2015, 12:51 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by ponchsox View Post
I raise this question because one of the contestants on the Bachelor, Kelsey, just lost her husband a year and a half ago. That seems way too early to date again
It might be way too early to try to find "love" on TV in front of millions of people including her departed hubby's family! But not in normal life, I really don't think so. I believe if you care about social decorum a year is considered appropriate. I hope you both have a good time!
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Old 12th January 2015, 1:00 PM   #5
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I lost my husband to cancer when I was 26. I believe it was about a year, before I dated again. In my situation, I was able to make some peace with what was going to happen, before it happened. I was prepared (as best one can be) to lose him.


Death is final and much, much different than a divorce. I just went through a divorce and the pain I felt was so much more intense and devastating than the death of my former husband. My ex is still alive, out there and chose to walk out on his family. And I also have a child with him, which makes it all the more painful. I am still struggling and it has been six months. I did not struggle nearly as long or feel the intensity of emotions I feel now when I lost my first husband. Granted, I know his death would have been much more difficult had we had children, but we didn't. Not to minimize the death of a spouse and the pain associated with it, in any way - it is just easier in some respects to come to terms with it.


So anyway, I think a year and half after losing a husband is perfectly acceptable time frame to begin dating. And that will also vary from person to person and according to circumstances (illness vs. accident, etc.)
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Old 12th January 2015, 1:01 PM   #6
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Several years?

I assume woman on the bachelor are in their late 20's?

Although it's tragic to lose a partner that way so early in life, if a woman still wants a husband and a family... she doesn't really have a spare several years to mourn. Getting back into dating doesn't guarantee a new relationship straight away anyway.
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Old 12th January 2015, 2:37 PM   #7
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The time it takes an individual to work through the grieving process is highly variable. In most cases a minimum of 6 months, but could be less. Others could take several years. The important thing is that they've worked through it and are not trying to shortcut or avoid it altogether.

Social decorum would usually be to wait a year before dating, but people violate that all the time. My comfort zone with dating a widow would be more like two years... unless she's really hot, in which case I'd at least give her a chance to change out of her black dress.
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Old 12th January 2015, 3:11 PM   #8
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I told my wife if anything happened to me to find someone else. She doesn't cope well on her own. I would hope new man would make some allowances for her situation should that happen.
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Old 12th January 2015, 3:30 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carhill View Post
IMO, the best way to know is to go.

It'll be readily obvious where their focus is; IMO, simply be open to it and go with it. Dating is getting to know someone and that process will reveal where they are in their grieving/recovery of/from the death of a loved one.
I have to go with this advice...

You don't know where they are in the grieving process and the only way to know is try to get to know them.
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Old 13th January 2015, 4:51 PM   #10
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Depends on how much they need to resolve. Like if they were having conflict anyway, it may take longer because there's guilt. Depending how they die, it can be anger -- well, anger is a stage of any grief. It's true if someone is ill a long time you may mourn them before they're actually passed on. And then the big X factor is just how long it takes any individual person to get over things. Takes me a long time compared to some other people. Let her worry about that. There's no set time for it.
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