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GF doesn't want sex anymore, don't know


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Okay, I'm 18 yrs old been dating my current gf for 1.5 years. For the first 10 months our sex life was amazing. Sex at least every single day, sometimes more. She was really into it, always looking up stuff we could do together. She would initiate sex half the time and life was sunshine and daisies. Then we went on a trip out of the country together in high school and weren't really allowed to do anything because it was a school trip and if we got caught we'd be expelled and all that good stuff. So we agreed to just put it off for the 10 days until we got back.

 

As soon as we got back from the trip at my house we instantly had sex in my bathroom because we figured my parents wouldn't walk in on us there (yes its almost happened before). Once again we both got off and life was great. Then all of a sudden everything changed. For the next month we had sex like once a week. I didn't complain at first and just let it be figuring everything would work itself out. After a month of any kind of intimacy just dying I brought it up to her. I was instantly met with the, "all you care about is sex" speech and we got into a large argument. I let it go for another few days without saying anything more about it.

 

Along with the ending of sex, she no longer craved to do anything even remotely sexual with me. It got to the point where holding my hand was a large ordeal. Months before we had planned a trip alone to a hotel a couple hours away from home which was supposed to be our "special night". To my surprise she was still on board to go stay in a hotel with me for a night. Me being naiive at the time I thought that she had changed and turned a new leaf, but we got halfway there and she broke down in tears telling me she just couldn't do it. Me being the loving and oh so understanding boyfriend that I am to her, I gave her a hug and turned the car around. She went home and I didn't hear from her until late that night.

 

A few days after this incident she told me she didn't love me anymore and she needed some time. She drove home from my house and instantly regretted ever saying that to me and I decided to forgive her and take her back. Throughout these couple months of rare rare intimacy she never gave me a straight answer for why she doesn't want to have sex with me. Later that summer we got into an argument after a summer college class we had taken together and she broke up with me for real. That lasted all of 2 hours as she changed her mind and I gave her another chance.

 

Don't really know if I'm insane or just love this girl too much. She tells me then after she breaks up with me and we're talking that she doesn't like sex anymore. She said that she gets this deep, deep feeling of sadness and regret right after we have sex or she orgasms through oral sex. She had never told me this before, but it now makes sense why everything stopped. That doesn't solve the problem of no sex though unfortunately. We have done extensive research on this issue and tried so many things, but nothing works. In the past she would keep all of her depression after sex bottled up until she's away from me, but now after sex it's complete waterworks from her for a solid 5-10 minutes.

 

Uncontrollable crying and it hurts me so bad to see her cry like that, that I don't even initiate sex anymore. She seems to want it once or twice a month and she regrets it right after. Over Thanksgiving break this past fall I broke up with her because she wanted me to move into her parents house and wouldn't take no for an answer. Plus she just hadn't been trying that hard at our relationship for the past month and I was tired of being yelled at for no reason other than she wants to yell. I felt terrible the whole next day and agreed to a meeting with her where I took her back, again. She promised things would be different and she would see a therapist and get things figured out.

 

That still hasn't happened She house sat for a friend of hers and we had the whole house to ourselves for 4 weeks over Christmas break from college. 2, 18 yearolds had sex once in those 4 weeks. I love her to death but I am a guy that likes sex (every guy) and this is eating me up inside. I haven't lost my cool yet and I'm hoping that she can figure out what the issue is, but I don't know if that will ever happen. We lost our virginity to each other and we both love each other dearly, but just not sexually compatible anymore. I don't know what to do in this relationship and I'm grasping at straws. Don't know how much more time I can give her before I just have to move on because these are the best years of my life and I don't want them to be wasted by being frustrated all the time.

 

I would never ever consider cheating. We have an apt rented to live in next year for school but that is easily changed. I don't know what to do in this relationship and I'm grasping at straws at this point. I feel like if I never initiate sex again we would have sex 3 times a year. BTW I'm easily an 8 and she's a 6 at best but I love her and have been completely above that the whole relationship (always tell her she's beautiful and I love her because in my eyes she's the most beautiful girl in the world).

 

Really struggling here, any advice would be greatly appreciated, sorry for the length, but this helps to get all this off my chest too. Thanks much.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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You aren't going to like this, but it is typical for people of this age - men and women - to not maintain their desires; either sexual or emotional.

 

Your best bet is to break up and take it as a learning experience. There will be many others.

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Okay brace yourself for this. It's a reality check.

 

Then all of a sudden everything changed

 

Your perception, as demonstrated by the entire rest of your post, is that only the frequency of sex changed, but to you that was "everything"? Am I reading this correctly?

 

For the next month we had sex like once a week. I didn't complain at first and just let it be figuring everything would work itself out.

 

You didn't complain and you also didn't ask her what was wrong. And then -

After a month of any kind of intimacy just dying I brought it up to her. I was instantly met with the, "all you care about is sex" speech and we got into a large argument.

 

You complained. "All you care about is sex" means "I feel that and worry that all you care about is sex. I am not emotionally okay about this relationship anymore." Did you reassure her gently? Guessing not if a huge fight broke out. And based on how you opened this post, her gut feeling may have been on the mark. Let's see..

I let it go for another few days without saying anything more about it. Along with the ending of sex, she no longer craved to do anything even remotely sexual with me. It got to the point where holding my hand was a large ordeal.

 

This is a definite sign that a woman is not emotionally comfortable with you anymore. For future reference.

 

Months before we had planned a trip alone to a hotel a couple hours away from home which was supposed to be our "special night". To my surprise she was still on board to go stay in a hotel with me for a night. Me being naiive at the time I thought that she had changed and turned a new leaf, but we got halfway there and she broke down in tears telling me she just couldn't do it. Me being the loving and oh so understanding boyfriend that I am to her, I gave her a hug and turned the car around. She went home and I didn't hear from her until late that night.

 

Is this sarcasm? It should be if it's not. You still haven't had a calm and empathetic conversation with her about why she is feeling uncomfortable about being sexual with you. You're just waiting for her to "get over it" and let you **** her. But I guess kudos to you for not just raping her in the car?

 

A few days after this incident she told me she didn't love me anymore

 

Because she doesn't.

 

She drove home from my house and instantly regretted ever saying that to me and I decided to forgive her and take her back.

 

But she doesn't want to lose the security/comfort of being in a relationship with you, either. This is where girlfriend has a problem that she does need to work on. She shouldn't stay with a guy she doesn't feel comfortable with just for the sake of not being single. This behavior is on her.

 

Throughout these couple months of rare rare intimacy she never gave me a straight answer for why she doesn't want to have sex with me.

 

She already gave you an answer back when she told that she's afraid you only care about the sex. Which so far seems to be true.

 

Later that summer we got into an argument after a summer college class we had taken together and she broke up with me for real. That lasted all of 2 hours as she changed her mind and I gave her another chance. Don't really know if I'm insane or just love this girl too much.

 

You are both dysfunctional, frankly. She needs to dump you and go No Contact instead of staying in a relationship for the sake of it, and you need to develop some empathy.

 

She tells me then after she breaks up with me and we're talking that she doesn't like sex anymore. She said that she gets this deep, deep feeling of sadness and regret right after we have sex or she orgasms through oral sex. She had never told me this before, but it now makes sense why everything stopped.

 

Of course she feels bad about having sex with you. She doesn't love you and my guess is that she actually thinks you're an ass, but she's too personally weak to walk away for good so far. That she thinks it's a reasonable option to stay even though she finds you emotionally repulsive is proof of her mental health issue. You can say that everything makes sense but you still don't get it at all. Looks like she's fine with that. You don't pay attention to her actual concerns, anyway, but this way she can trick you into staying around, so long as she takes all the blame or whatever.

 

That doesn't solve the problem of no sex though unfortunately. We have done extensive research on this issue and tried so many things, but nothing works.

 

Nor the problem that she doesn't love you or feel emotionally comfortable with you. And oh yeah the sex.

 

In the past she would keep all of her depression after sex bottled up until she's away from me, but now after sex it's complete waterworks from her for a solid 5-10 minutes. Uncontrollable crying and it hurts me so bad to see her cry like that, that I don't even initiate sex anymore. She seems to want it once or twice a month and she regrets it right after.

 

Gosh this is a train wreck. Break up and go No Contact.

 

Over Thanksgiving break this past fall I broke up with her because she wanted me to move into her parents house and wouldn't take no for an answer. Plus she just hadn't been trying that hard at our relationship for the past month and I was tired of being yelled at for no reason other than she wants to yell.

 

It was a good idea to break up, not a good idea to get back together. Do not move in with her no matter what. This relationship is dysfunctional as **** and needs to end.

 

I don't know what to do in this relationship and I'm grasping at straws at this point.

 

End it and go No Contact.

 

BTW I'm easily an 8 and she's a 6 at best but I love her

 

Asshattery confirmed.

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toscaroscura

OMG everything Danda said.

 

Let me give you a little peek into it, from her POV, OP.

 

In the beginning all is great! You two are f***ing like :bunny::bunny:. things feel good, you're both happy.

 

As time goes by, she starts seeing, as Danda so eloquently put it, asshattery creeping out. At first she just wants to ignore it. After all, you're probably her first boyfriend and the one she gave her virginity to! But slowly she starts to feel more and more unsafe and unloved (perhaps she senses your disdainful attitude about her being a mere "6"), and her denial reaches crisis mode and one day she wakes up and BAM! She realizes, "this boy doesn't care about me at all! All he loves me for is the sex!"

 

She pulls away and instead of being concerned and caring you pester her for the sex. The sex! Your touch starts to make her skin crawl; she feels so used by this point, but her immature mind tricks her into thinking she has to stay with you.

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Anyone wanna buy tar and feathers ?

Perhaps some rope so the OP can be properly lynched !

 

 

OP, there is something there ... she got over the feelings of depression and guilt in the beginning due to limerence, butterflies in the stomach, rose colored glasses.

Now that it is off, she has a hard time reconciling everything.

 

There is some reason why sex makes her feel bad.

Is she very religious ?

It could be a very low sex-drive though i doubt it from your description.

 

PS: She may even have seen sex as something to keep the relationship going.

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Okay brace yourself for this. It's a reality check.

 

No, brace yourself even tighter, tighter I say!!!

 

It's called: "Bait and Switch"

 

That's how lots of women roll and I think this thread shows why sex stops after women get the ring....cuz they "got ya" :D

 

I mean women do enjoy sex, but IMO, women are more satisfied with what "other" things a guy can do for them (i.e. shower them with money, stuff, and attention).

 

So, they entice you with the sex (and/or the promise of sex) and good behavior...and when the RL isn't turning into a ring, they get pouty.

 

I pay my own bills and don't need a life-size cuddle/teddy bear (in other words, a slave/tampon for my emotional needs), so I pretty much need di*=k from a guy...So, no bait ans switch here...I'm boinking you cuz I wanna boink...I often wonder if that is a turn off to guys....oh well.

Edited by Gloria25
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toscaroscura
Okay brace yourself for this. It's a reality check.

 

No, brace yourself even tighter, tighter I say!!!

 

It's called: "Bait and Switch"

 

That's how lots of women roll and I think this thread shows why sex stops after women get the ring....cuz they "got ya" :D

 

I mean women do enjoy sex, but IMO, women are more satisfied with what "other" things a guy can do for them (i.e. shower them with money, stuff, and attention).

 

So, they entice you with the sex and good behavior...and when the RL isn't turning into a ring, they get pouty.

 

I pay my own bills and don't need a life-size cuddle/teddy bear (in other words, a slave/tampon for my emotional needs), so I pretty much need di*=k from a guy...I often wonder if that is a turn off to guys....oh well.

 

No. First off, they're not married, they're just teenagers. Second, I don't have sex to get stuff.

 

For most* women to want sex, they have to feel loved, safe and respected in the relationship, and the sex has to be worth it, meaning he can't be a crappy lay with no interest in her pleasure. That's pretty much it. As long as I had those things, my libido went through the roof. I hardly think I'm unique.

 

With the way he talked about her, I doubt she's feeling very loved. And although he says she gets off, who knows if that's true? We'd have to talk to her. A lot of young girls fake it.

 

*most normal, healthy women. Obviously people who withhold sex exist. But it's hardly everyone and hardly confined to the female gender.

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No. First off, they're not married, they're just teenagers. Second, I don't have sex to get stuff.

 

For most* women to want sex, they have to feel loved, safe and respected in the relationship, and the sex has to be worth it, meaning he can't be a crappy lay with no interest in her pleasure. That's pretty much it. As long as I had those things, my libido went through the roof. I hardly think I'm unique.

 

With the way he talked about her, I doubt she's feeling very loved. And although he says she gets off, who knows if that's true? We'd have to talk to her. A lot of young girls fake it.

 

*most normal, healthy women. Obviously people who withhold sex exist. But it's hardly everyone and hardly confined to the female gender.

 

I know they're not married, but I believe the same "bait and switch" takes place. The chicks will shower the guy with sex and then when the RL isn't giving her what she wants and/or isn't going anywhere, the chicks start pulling the sex back.

 

I bet ya that "if" she was actually getting off during the sex, it was cuz she probably thought the RL was ok. But, now that reality set in (that it's not going anywhere), her libido probably dropped hard.

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toscaroscura
I know they're not married, but I believe the same "bait and switch" takes place. The chicks will shower the guy with sex and then when the RL isn't giving her what she wants and/or isn't going anywhere, the chicks start pulling the sex back.

 

I bet ya that "if" she was actually getting off during the sex, it was cuz she probably thought the RL was ok. But, now that reality set in (that it's not going anywhere), her libido probably dropped hard.

 

Well of course if the relationship is going to **** she's going to pull back the sex. That's not a "bait and switch", it's called being human.

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Lernaean_Hydra

 

No, brace yourself even tighter, tighter I say!!!

 

It's called: "Bait and Switch"

 

That's how lots of women roll and I think this thread shows why sex stops after women get the ring....cuz they "got ya" :D

 

I mean women do enjoy sex, but IMO, women are more satisfied with what "other" things a guy can do for them (i.e. shower them with money, stuff, and attention).

 

So, they entice you with the sex (and/or the promise of sex) and good behavior...and when the RL isn't turning into a ring, they get pouty.

 

I pay my own bills and don't need a life-size cuddle/teddy bear (in other words, a slave/tampon for my emotional needs), so I pretty much need di*=k from a guy...So, no bait ans switch here...I'm boinking you cuz I wanna boink...I often wonder if that is a turn off to guys....oh well.

 

I'm sorry but these are teenagers we're talking about here not a couple that's been together for years or a LTR where she's being "taken care of". Jesus, they're like 12 years old. I really don't think she was looking for a ring. I'm not cool with anyone who withholds sex from a partner out of spite or selfishness or for any other reason but that's not what this is.

 

She's not "getting pouty" because she wants something. She's crying immediately after every time and experiencing depression. She's obviously feeling very emotionally broken and insecure. From the way OP has spoken about her and the situation I don't think he feelings are wholly unjustified.

Edited by Lernaean_Hydra
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I'm sorry but these are teenagers we're talking about here not a couple that's been together for years or a LTR where she's being "taken care of". Jesus, there like 12 years old. I really don't think she was looking for a ring. I'm not cool with anyone who withholds sex from a partner out of spite or selfishness or for any other reason but that's not what this is.

 

She's not "getting pouty" because she wants something. She's crying immediately after every time and experiencing depression. She's obviously feeling very emotionally broken and insecure. From the way OP has spoken about her and the situation I don't think he feelings are wholly unjustified.

 

Well of course if the relationship is going to **** she's going to pull back the sex. That's not a "bait and switch", it's called being human.

 

I still think it's a bait and switch...

 

Why?

 

Cuz, if she isn't ready for sex - then don't have it. Let him know that. Don't pretend you're a sex goddess and you want it deep all in ya, when that's not you.

 

I think girls - even women - do that all the time. Why do you think girls in high school are on their knees giving bjs in the bathroom at schools? Cuz, the guy is gonna flip her over and give her oral till she screams in pleasure? Nope, cuz the girls wanna be "popular" or they want attention from the boys. And trust me, the "boys" don't reciprocate in these instances. They use these girls as receptacles.

 

I hate to say the word "use", cuz really, all this "my body, I can do what I want" tweens, teens, and women want to yell - yet they do corny things and let guys use them. :rolleyes:

 

When I get naked with a guy. I wanna be dirrty, I wanna do him hard and vice-versa. I want my orgasm and I get wet giving him his. I'm not doing this for his approval and/or attention.

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Well, OP, I don't want to dent your ego since you're an 8 and she's a mere 6, but when I was your age I went through a similar thing with a boyfriend. I just stopped fancying him, frankly. You're only teenagers, this is not uncommon.

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I second Absinthe, she's not sexually attracted to you anymore. She still likes you as a friend and partner but the thought of sex grosses her out. It's hard to leave a relationship when you love someone but aren't 'in love'. Do yourself a favor and do the leaving. You are both so young. The first love is the hardest, but if you end it now it will save you much heartache.

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Well of course if the relationship is going to **** she's going to pull back the sex. That's not a "bait and switch", it's called being human.

 

Dead Bedrooms would strongly disagree with this.

 

It's the infamou DB Catch-22. Because the relationship is going to hell, the sex pulls back. But sometimes, the relationship goes to hell, because the sex was pulled back.

 

Chicken? Egg?

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This was my first post obviously not very good at describing things. I knew she was going through emotional issues and I gave her the space and backed off her. Didn't start fights after the first issue. I had no experience in relationships so I was just trying to help her with whatever she would tell me. We get along great so I guess we have that going for us. I don't resent her or anything for this as I have already dealt with any of those feelings internally. Not an asshat as I have been described here. Maybe foolish and young but I never disrespected her or asked for anything she wouldn't give. I do not initiate anything now and leave it all up to her. She always tells me how happy she is and I'm happy too with how out non-sexual relationship goes. We cuddle and spend quality time together as couples should. We know each other better than anyone on the planet knows each other and we're always happy to see each other. I don't even bring up the topic of sex or say any sexual jokes anymore and if we talk about anything of the matter it's because she brings it up and I answer back to her questions and nothing more. I find it hard to believe that I am the one that is causing the emotional distress to her after orgasm because half the time she clutches onto me and won't let me go after because she feels better if I'm there next to her. Sorry if I came off as a stupid teenager but I was trying to be as objective and solid with the facts as I could be and it sorta got taken the wrong way. But hey at least I can spell lol

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