Boyfriend Says that He Doesn't Love Me But Doesn't Want to Break Up [1.5years M/F 27]

[hhta02]

Hi, I have been having a really hard time for the past while and I would really appreciate any insight or advice. I have been seeing my boyfriend for just over a year and a half now. Things were going really, really great. We’re extremely compatible in most ways: physically, intellectually, interest-wise, sexually, etc. etc. We started off seeing each other casually because he was two months out of an 11 year relationship so he wasn’t ready for something more serious and I had a string of 1-2 year unhealthy past relationships and at the time I had single for about a year building confidence in myself and was just loving life being single and just focusing on myself and my own happiness. Also he is an entrepreneur that does business in Nigeria remotely and he had been planning to move a few months after we started seeing each other (somewhere out of the country because he’d never traveled and could work remotely) so neither or us was expecting it to last long term. After six months he was still around and it was getting to the point where we had to decide if we were going to be serious or end things because I didn’t want to keep just ****ing around. We talked about it and he said that he had really come to like me a lot and he wanted to be boyfriend/girlfriend and if he was going to travel he would like for us to do it together which was great for me too because I’ve been wanting to travel long term for a while myself. So things were great and continued that way until September this year.

In September one night he sat me down and told me that he was going to move to Nigeria this March and suddenly there was no talk of us going together anymore (although in fairnesss I would never move to Nigeria, it’s not a place where I could find work in my field, everyone I talk to hates it there because it’s so dangerous that you have to live in a compound so it’s extremely isolating). I felt extremely blindsided by this because I was operating in the relationship under the assumption that he was serious about me and that I was a part of his future. I ask him how long he’s planning to go: indefinitely and what this means for us: he doesn’t know. I obviously become extremely upset by this but I love him very much so I tell myself that everything will be ok and that I should try to have the best time I can with him and in all likelihood he’s going to hate it there so he’ll be back within six months.

I thought that I could handle it but since then I’ve become incredibly sensitive and insecure in our relationship. I get upset with him all the time over what in the grand scheme of things are minor but to me at the time seem like the end of the world. Each time this happens I become terrified that he’s going to dump me because he told me that the reason he broke up with his ex is because she had severe anxiety (to the point where she had to be medicated 24/7) and I know that I am driving him away with this behaviour. I’ve though a lot about why I am doing this and came to the conclusion that it’s because I don’t feel like he loves me. He never told me that he loves me and I feel like because he decided to cut me out of his future plans this means that he does not love me. I finally worked up the courage to talk to him about this and he told me that because he’s moving to Nigeria he is keeping himself at a distance because he knows that he is moving to Nigeria and it was too hard when he broke up with his ex-girlfriend when he moved to the city where we live now, but that he cares for me tremendously which I should see because he does so and so and that “he likes me like crazy” (just what every girl wants to hear right?). I sort of feel like this is a cop out because I don’t think that you can control who you love and he also didn’t know until September that he was moving to Nigeria so what about before then?

Since this time I’ve tried to break up with him twice but he always talks me out of it and I keep relenting because when I comes down to it I love him and the thought of him being with someone else destroys me. But over the holidays I’ve been in a different city visiting my family and I’ve been a total wreck: I’ve been feeling constantly stressed, I lost my appetite, I’m having huge stomach aches and head aches and I cry about it probably on a daily basis. So I just don’t know what to do. I feel like your lover should bring out the best in you and make you happy (which was the case until he blindsided me with the news that he was moving to Nigeria) and even though I think that he will likely be back from Nigeria sooner than later, I just feel like regardless of this, I deserve to be with someone who loves me.

Anyway, that is about it. Any insight or advice would be tremendously appreciated. Thanks!

[coolheadal]

The issue your saying he told he's doesn't love you and I am sure he's not in love with you too. So he doesn't want to break-up (holding on for security like blanket) Then you said he's moving to Nigeria. Plus you love him and sounds like your in love. So only one person you in this so call relationship is in love but not him. You sound like you don't want to let go either of him. But you do want to be loved right otherwise your nothing more to him as backup girl friend.

 

If he's left for Nigeria already, don't wait for him. He can be with other women. You two are not 100% in love nor did he want that with you. He doesn't seem to want to let you go but, can't be with someone who's not around and he has no love for you.

 

First off try to eat some food. This guy not even thinking about you in Nigeria all about him. Don't starve yourself over him. He's not worth it. Your life means more than him.

[BlueIvy]

After reading your post, I don't think he was ever your boyfriend. He was only single for 2 months after an 11 year relationship. The likelihood of him being ready for a committed/serious relationship is very unlikely...

 

I also think you need to continue working on your self esteem, or you will keep getting in situations like this. If you re-read everything you wrote, it's pretty obvious what it was.

 

Red Flag: We started off seeing each other casually because he was two months out of an 11 year relationship so he wasn’t ready for something more serious and I had a string of 1-2 year unhealthy past relationships

 

Vast majority of people aren't going to get over a 11 year relationship in 2 months.

 

Red Flag: After six months he was still around and it was getting to the point where we had to decide if we were going to be serious or end things because I didn’t want to keep just ****ing around.

 

It doesn't take 6 months for a man to decide whether he sees you as a girlfriend/commitment material. It's apparent you both wanted different things.

 

Red Flag: In September one night he sat me down and told me that he was going to move to Nigeria this March and suddenly there was no talk of us going together anymore

 

He never had intentions.

 

Red Flag: He never told me that he loves me and I feel like because he decided to cut me out of his future plans this means that he does not love me.

 

You said it and I agree.

 

I am not trying to be mean but you need to face the hard truth so this never happens again.

 

I say forget about him and better yourself, so you can meet a man who actually deserves you. Next time, let the man work for YOU, you are the prize. I know love makes us do stupid things. But if this was your friend, you would tell her she can do better. You will look back on this and think what you ever saw in him.

 

Don't make yourself suffer over him, he's probably having time of his life in Nigeria. And so should you! Good Luck.

[loveboid]

You were each other's shoulder to lean on while you two got yourselves together. Since you are both fond of each other I would count this interlude as a success and keep in touch for life if possible. You don't have to be together to appreciate each other and I believe he's come to this conclusion.

 

I would let him go respectfully and keep him in your heart. I am sure he is grateful for his time with you and will keep you in his heart.

 

One day you'll both be old and looking back on this as a sweet time where you both needed a friend and were there for each other.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry about the painful situation you are in. I can see how it developed and how difficult it must be to face what he told you.

 

From reading what you've written, I'm getting the impression of a guy that has moved about a bit, isn't likely to settle anywhere for long, and never really intends anything to last. Because of this, he is probably very adept at keeping a woman with him without fully appraising her of her insecure situation. He has told you now that he's planning to go back to Nigeria. I suppose, given that he's from there, that was always going to be a possibility someday so if you don't like the idea of that, it is an issue that would likely have cropped up anyway.

 

I think apart from feeling sad for you, what bothers me is he's trying to get you to stay with him - until he leaves. I feel this is very selfish, given that he's told you he's not staying. You need think of yourself now and do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and your own heart. The guy is hurting you, no doubt about it, so you have no obligation to stay with him.

 

What I'd like to advise is for you to give this guy the shock of his life and leave him. Make it clear you won't be a back-up option and that if he's not going to be with you, then he's back on his own again. I think this might shake him up and make him think how he really feels about you. Because up until now you have stuck with him and no doubt shown how much you care about him, he feels he can play around with choices. He's an entrepreneur and is likely to be a risk-taker in other respects too. But, even though this might make him think and value you more, it will be splitting up with him and he might just move on. Either way, he's going to opt out in the near future. Why wait until he does it? At least you could be the one that takes control back and leaves him. Of course he's going to try to persuade you to stay, so he remains the one with that power.

 

I'm really sorry at what you are facing. What you can do for yourself now is not let him be in control of you any more. You would be better off with a guy who wants to be with you and isn't going to be constantly on the point of moving on. Good luck.

Edited January 2, 2015 by spiderowl