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Is it even worth getting married anymore?


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I read before that 30-60% of people in marriages will cheat. And 40-50% of marriages end in divorce. So why are people even still getting married if there's a HUGE risk of it not ending well? It just seems marriage isn't sacred anymore, and almost seems pointless. Your thoughts?

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Lernaean_Hydra
Yes, but it's a coin flip.

 

Doesn't matter. The fact that it's "a coin flip" doesn't invalidate those in successful marriages who feel it was worth it.

 

You know, I read before that 30-60% of people will cheat. And 99-100% of relationships end in breakups or death. So why are people even still getting into relationships if there's a HUGE risk of it not ending well?

 

Same logic.

 

For some, yes it is worth it. Even if the marriage fails 10, 20 or 50 years down the road because of whatever benefits/stability they perceived the institution to offer at the time. It's worth it if you want kids and don't want to be someone's baby daddy/baby mama. It's worth it if you value the various rights and privileges afforded to legally married couples. It's worth it if you just want your SO to take your last name (or take theirs) and have your relationship recognized by the law.

 

Now, I'm sure by the time I get around to reading this thread tomorrow you'll have the same handful of posters saying marriage only benefits women!!! or some such, as usual but really it all depends on the couple/individuals and what they place value on.

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Doesn't matter. The fact that it's "a coin flip" doesn't invalidate those in successful marriages who feel it was worth it.

 

You know, I read before that 30-60% of people will cheat. And 99-100% of relationships end in breakups or death. So why are people even still getting into relationships if there's a HUGE risk of it not ending well?

 

Same logic.

 

For some, yes it is worth it. Even if the marriage fails 10, 20 or 50 years down the road because of whatever benefits/stability they perceived the institution to offer at the time. It's worth it if you want kids and don't want to be someone's baby daddy/baby mama. It's worth it if you value the various rights and privileges afforded to legally married couples. It's worth it if you just want your SO to take your last name (or take theirs) and have your relationship recognized by the law.

 

Now, I'm sure by the time I get around to reading this thread tomorrow you'll have the same handful of posters saying marriage only benefits women!!! or some such, as usual but really it all depends on the couple/individuals and what they place value on.

 

what you said makes no sense about a relationship/marriage ending due to death. That's absolutely not the same thing as it ending due to cheating or whatever other reasoning it ended.

 

And I admit I was going to mention it benefiting women way more than men, but I wanted to leave that out of the discussion or at least try to. Because than every post will be a male vs female debate throughout the entire thread.

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what you said makes no sense about a relationship/marriage ending due to death. That's absolutely not the same thing as it ending due to cheating or whatever other reasoning it ended.

Correct. It's worse. Someone you love dying and leaving you on your own for the rest of your life is worse than some tramp cheating on you.

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Lernaean_Hydra
what you said makes no sense about a relationship/marriage ending due to death. That's absolutely not the same thing as it ending due to cheating or whatever other reasoning it ended.

 

The point is, things end one way or another so to say marriage isn't worth it because of XYZ variables is rather silly. All you're saying is "this has a chance of not ending well. Better not do it at all." Yes, they can end badly, though not always however it is guaranteed they will certainly end. But for many, the "good" far outweighs the possible bad.

 

That in itself is enough for marriage to seem "worth it" to some. A lot of people don't feel fully committed unless and until they are married. Flawed logic? Sure, but I mean really, some people - men and women - enjoy the idea of being with their partner "forever" but are less enthusiastic about that prospect if it means merely being someone's long term gf/bf. "Shacking up" is not appealing to a lot of people.

 

And I admit I was going to mention it benefiting women way more than men, but I wanted to leave that out of the discussion or at least try to. Because than every post will be a male vs female debate throughout the entire thread.

 

You started a thread about relationships, what else was the discussion going to turn into? Welcome to LoveShack! :lmao:

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evanescentworld
I read before that 30-60% of people in marriages will cheat. And 40-50% of marriages end in divorce. So why are people even still getting married if there's a HUGE risk of it not ending well? It just seems marriage isn't sacred anymore, and almost seems pointless. Your thoughts?

 

Absolutely.

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I'm gonna go with yes for me personally, and perhaps for everyone else - it's a very individual choice.

 

I also don't believe it's as simple as a "coin flip" - not even close. I see so many people making choices and behaving in ways that I strongly feel are unhealthy, and this negatively impacts their relationships and the resulting outcome.

 

I make my own "luck" wherever possible.

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littleblackheart
Yes, but it's a coin flip.

 

That's still better than most odds. Besides, for those of us who don't have to be forced into it, it's still mostly a personal choice so from this perspective, you're a winner! :)

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I've been married a long time, and I can honestly say that my spouse and I have helped each other through some very rough times that I don't kow if I would have been able to get through on my own.

 

A long time ago, we both learned the lesson that in marriage, the best way to look at things is to try and discover what you can do you for spouse, not what they can do for you. Also, take the approach that there is always something new you can learn about them.

 

I suppose it has also helped that we both view divorce as an option of absolute last resort, not for religious reasons, but because what's the damned point of getting maried in the first place if you cut and run at the first sign of trouble? I'm not saying taht everyone who divorces is doing that, but if you keep in in the back of your mind as an option, it can sometime preclude your trying your hardest.

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evanescentworld

there's a 100% chance if you don't buy a ticket, but then, what you never had, you'll never miss....

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Is your relationship any more or less likely to fail because you get married? Are they more or less likely to cheat on you?

 

It's not the ceremony, piece of paper or title that breaks the relationship. Certain dynamics are different and for some people that piece of paper can change it in a negative fashion. With my first, it changed absolutely nothing. But it gave me rights to info and to be on his insurance. It broke because we didn't communicate well and he found a younger version. And really, I was too young, I lost myself.

With my second it did change things, he felt entitled. That was the only change. It broke because he was a compulsive liar and stupid. Marriage didn't affect the failure of them, but it did make the relationship last longer. In a tiny way then you can blame the cheating on the marriage simply because it was many years into the relationship. Past a couple points where we might have simply broken up. Breaking up is far less complicated and takes less time ;)

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marriage is suppose to be a commitment till the day you die. So many divorce when their elder mate gets sick or when times are hard. I remember when you saw old people every where that have been married most of their life. with the attitude if things don't work I can always divorce its changed the meaning. Its a shame I think they need to make it harder to marry and harder to divorce unless their is serious neglect. Cheating changes the way it use to be not that it never happened but you was frowned upon if you got caught and morals were higher.

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And I admit I was going to mention it benefiting women way more than men, but I wanted to leave that out of the discussion or at least try to. Because than every post will be a male vs female debate throughout the entire thread.

 

 

Well, FYI... Marriage hasn't benefitted me, and I'm a woman.

 

 

The only women it seems to benefit are low-achieving women relative to their husbands. Not only does marriage not benefit high-achieving women... it actually hurts them because they still do more chores and childcare than their H's, and are expected to put their career second to his. That's not a partnership. That's indentured servitude.

 

 

https://hbr.org/2014/12/rethink-what-you-know-about-high-achieving-women

 

 

I was engaged to be married a second time, when he died at a young age, leaving me single in a location and time of my life when it will be much harder for me to find another life partner without making serious compromises on my values and level of attraction.

 

 

That said, I'm starting to believe I dodged a bullet by things working out for me not to be married again. The crop of men I've met since my fiancée died is pretty disgusting overall. I attribute that to living in the NE for the most part though.

 

 

Had I to do it all over again, I'm not sure I would have ever married. It's a bad deal for women like me. If I just wanted to be a secretary and have a bunch of kids... then yea. Get married. :rolleyes:

 

 

Funny... my dad asked me when I was quite young why I wanted to get married. Even though it has worked very well for him and my mom. He said he didn't see any reason to get married unless you want kids... and I didn't at the time.

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marriage is suppose to be a commitment till the day you die. So many divorce when their elder mate gets sick or when times are hard. I remember when you saw old people every where that have been married most of their life. with the attitude if things don't work I can always divorce its changed the meaning. Its a shame I think they need to make it harder to marry and harder to divorce unless their is serious neglect. Cheating changes the way it use to be not that it never happened but you was frowned upon if you got caught and morals were higher.

 

Yeah, no. Things have changed but it wasn't because things were so rosy back in the "good old days". Then men cheated, women who did were more than frowned upon, and women were blamed when men cheated. And the financial ability for a woman to divorce, as well as the social stigma tied to it, were such that few woman divorced. You were seen as a "sexual woman" and not married made you a harlot.

 

Let's not try and paint it as this Norman Rockwell painting. While, yes, there were fewer divorces, it wasn't that people were better, different, or more moral.

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Well, FYI... Marriage hasn't benefitted me, and I'm a woman.

 

 

The only women it seems to benefit are low-achieving women relative to their husbands. Not only does marriage not benefit high-achieving women... it actually hurts them because they still do more chores and childcare than their H's, and are expected to put their career second to his. That's not a partnership. That's indentured servitude.

 

 

https://hbr.org/2014/12/rethink-what-you-know-about-high-achieving-women

 

 

I was engaged to be married a second time, when he died at a young age, leaving me single in a location and time of my life when it will be much harder for me to find another life partner without making serious compromises on my values and level of attraction.

 

 

That said, I'm starting to believe I dodged a bullet by things working out for me not to be married again. The crop of men I've met since my fiancée died is pretty disgusting overall. I attribute that to living in the NE for the most part though.

 

 

Had I to do it all over again, I'm not sure I would have ever married. It's a bad deal for women like me. If I just wanted to be a secretary and have a bunch of kids... then yea. Get married. :rolleyes:

 

 

Funny... my dad asked me when I was quite young why I wanted to get married. Even though it has worked very well for him and my mom. He said he didn't see any reason to get married unless you want kids... and I didn't at the time.

 

As a high achieving professional, and not negating what is being said, I still see value in marriage and in the partnership. Stats will show certain dynamics but that does not mean that is going to happen in each/my relationships. That is still in my control to dictate, develop, and decide.

 

There is emotional support, and life experiences, that I greatly enjoy sharing with someone and the intimacy is very important to me. Even in my first marriage, without children, I wouldn't trade those years in. A lot of great experiences and personal development just sharing my life with someone in that manner.

 

Outside of stats, etc. we are what we make ourselves. This holds true for our lives. Are we destined to never experience pain? Absolutely not. And I wouldn't want to. Without the lows you can't really appreciate the highs and just because something doesn't work out doesn't mean there wasn't a lot of value to it.

 

I think that it is said that instead of looking at life's experiences, relationships, and one's life as more of a sum of its parts and more about every potentially bad thing that someone wants to waste their one time around this world trying to hedge their bets that they may have to feel some pain.

 

We learn a lot from pain. Pain is not to be feared.

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Despite the risks, people still like to pair bond and enjoy it when (or while) it works. Besides, there are often financial benefits due to government social policies, especially if you stay together. (Although in some circumstances there can be even greater financial benefits if you divorce later in life after being married at least 10 years - even if you still want to stay together and live together.)

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Is it even worth getting married anymore?

 

That will vary from person-to-person and life experience, obviously.

 

I think there are many benefits to marriage but the difficulty is all the layers of pressure and commitment that come with it. Living with someone day in and day out, is hard enough no matter if they are your spouse or simply a roommate.

 

Pile on children, careers, finances and you can see why things go awry.

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And I admit I was going to mention it benefiting women way more than men, but I wanted to leave that out of the discussion or at least try to. Because than every post will be a male vs female debate throughout the entire thread.

 

Yea but then you'd be dismissing a major benefit that married men get that their single pals won't.

 

Single people may die younger, new study finds - Health - Behavior | NBC News

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Well, FYI... Marriage hasn't benefitted me, and I'm a woman.

 

 

The only women it seems to benefit are low-achieving women relative to their husbands. Not only does marriage not benefit high-achieving women... it actually hurts them because they still do more chores and childcare than their H's, and are expected to put their career second to his. That's not a partnership. That's indentured servitude.

 

 

https://hbr.org/2014/12/rethink-what-you-know-about-high-achieving-women

 

 

I was engaged to be married a second time, when he died at a young age, leaving me single in a location and time of my life when it will be much harder for me to find another life partner without making serious compromises on my values and level of attraction.

 

 

That said, I'm starting to believe I dodged a bullet by things working out for me not to be married again. The crop of men I've met since my fiancée died is pretty disgusting overall. I attribute that to living in the NE for the most part though.

 

 

Had I to do it all over again, I'm not sure I would have ever married. It's a bad deal for women like me. If I just wanted to be a secretary and have a bunch of kids... then yea. Get married. :rolleyes:

 

 

Funny... my dad asked me when I was quite young why I wanted to get married. Even though it has worked very well for him and my mom. He said he didn't see any reason to get married unless you want kids... and I didn't at the time.

 

Aren't you always criticizing men for not wanting to marry?

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