Stop Bringing up the Past

[kjohn]

I was giving some advice to a friend of mine today and I thought I would share it here since it is a technique that has been very helpful for me.

 

In the past, my BF has accused me of constantly bringing up old issues in current arguments. I always argued that it was not me that did that, but him.

 

Instead of going round and round about that, I gave up on my desire to "prove that I was right and he was wrong." Instead, here is what I have started doing.

 

Whenever we are having a discussion or argument and he brings up something from the past, I very calmly, but matter-of-factly say "That is not what we are discussing right now. That is in the past. What we are talking about right now is……."

 

Sometimes I have to repeat that statement 4 or 5 times during the course of a discussion, but I am always careful to never raise my voice, maintain a calm and pleasant tone of voice and just keep repeating that statement until he finally stops trying to avoid the current issue by bringing up the past and discusses the issue at hand.

 

It has been working like a charm for me.

[Day.One]

We're both guilty of that, kjohn. In the past (see what i did there!) But definitely a technique to implement, going forward. Thanks for the reminder!

[newmoon]

i do this exact thing as well. i am adamant about not delving into the past AT ALL, and every time during a discussion/start of a fight if someone goes there i just say over and over and over "that was in the past. let's move on." like you, i have to say it like 5x to get them focused, but it eventually works. there is no hope for really communicating about present issues with someone when they live in the past. it's also illuminating just how often your partner digs up the past for anecdotes, issues, etc., none of which really help the present issue. it's so much healthier to just stay in the present.