audiojunky Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 I need some serious advice. My girlfriend and I moved in with each other two months ago. She is from another city and moved to this city- so far she is not so happy here. I myself, followed her from the city where we met and came here to be with her since I grew up here. When I finally met her here in the new city- she and I went through some rough times but eventually mended things and decided to get a place together. Unfortunately we have since then also had some very rough moments. Before we moved she assured me how much things will work out with us because she is such a unique person in dealing with things. (hah) Well, now she has completely forgotten these statements and has made her displeasures with everything a burden on me through her constant bitching. To give you a clear example of what I have been so angry over - Last night I came home to clean up as much as I could. I went to the store, bought food, cooked for her, and wanted to have a nice evening with her. She came home and instantly began tearing through the house and complaining about how much a mess everything is. As my food was on the table she left it there as she continued to not show any sort of appreciation for what I had done and I sat there by myself for 5 minutes waiting for her before she came to the table and didn't speak to me for 5 minutes. After we finished eating she began to talk about all her problems with everything based off a completely unrelated discussion... and she then retreated as I did a weeks worth of dishes. After this I went out to pick up some things from the drugstore for myself ad her. When I got home she complained about how she couldn't get the laundry from outside because of the insects in the washroom.. so I had to accompany her to take out and switch the laundry I had put in for her before she got home. Once that was done I began paying my bills for the month and she started complaining about how she was broke. After I told her that I paid them all she began to bitch about some flowers she gave me for her birthday and how they were dying. I suspected that thats what happens when you give someone flowers... she told me to change the water and I told her that I didn't know the water should be changed everyday. Knowing this she still then proceeded to say that, "only an idiot doesn't know that you should change the flowers' water everyday." This is when I lost it and argued to the bone how I didn't care to hear her bitch at me over such a stupid issue that obviously displayed her lack of appreciation for what I had done for her earlier. She rolled her eyes at me, went in to the room and shut the door to go to sleep. I got even more pissed off over her rolling her eyes at me and told her that it was unnecessary to make me feel like **** over a stupid issue. I also explained to her for the 3rd night in a row how lame it feels for someone not to say goodnight before they go to bed without any warning.. and I didn't understand how she could go to sleep knowing that she had pissed off her boyfriend so royally. This is just one isolated evenning... and this is all following a weekend where I almost practically picked up and moved all my things out of this apartment with her not caring about breaking the lease or any of the items that we have bought for it. She thinks that I am threatening to get attention, when all I want is respect. The first couple times I told her that I would move out if she continues bitching about her situation and how much she hates living here... I can't afford for someone to leave me for there own convenience if she plans on leaving this city. The third time I told her I was moving out over her attitude towards me and how much of a complete bitch she is. I'm not sure if I am crazy to think that there should be no reason to treat someone like she is treating me.. whether it is a girl issue or not.. I don't care at this point.. I don't care if someone is pmsing it shouldn't be happening 24/7 with such a constant show of disrespect towards me. If she continues to do this no matter how many times I point it out to her I feel like I have no other choice than to break the lease and move out regardless of the financial strain that it would put on me or her. As far as I'm concerned- I have taken an extreme financial strain by moving with her here, quitting my last job and starting a new one- pretty much rearranging my life to now be at home with someone who must not value it as much as I do. Today she has not called me once like she normally does.. at a friend's place afterwork and I still haven't heard from her... I feel something is really wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 You are both going about this entirely the wrong way. First, find out if she still loves you and wants to stay with you. If so, you should both read <removed> It has a bunch of stragegies on how to live as a couple - married or not. There is a section on resolving problems. Fighting, complaining, and insulting are not the way to do this. If you both want to save this relationship, you have to learn how to relate. But you better do it fast before any more damage is done. Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 I'm not sure if I am crazy to think that there should be no reason to treat someone like she is treating me.. Well, if my opinion counts for anything, I don't think you're crazy even a little bit! She sounds like she's got a major attitude that isn't going away and I think that your time is best spent not second guessing yourself or trying to make things work with a total beatch, but figuring out what you're going to do about that lease and your future living situation. You two are obviously not ready to be living together. Maybe things could work out, but I think you're going to need some distance at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 You're waaaaaay too nice, merry. Kick her ass to the curb, let her fend for herself for a while. That will teach her to appreciate all you do for her. I never appreciated everything my mom and our housekeeper did for me, until I moved out and had to start sorting my own sh*t out. It was pure immaturity on my part. I cried my eyes out on my mother's shoulder one day - all the emotions and gratitude of everything she did for me came rushing forward in one big flood. Your girlfriend is immature. She doesn't 'sound' or 'look' immature, she *IS* immature. There are plenty of women who appreciate a kind, generous man. Don't let yourself be exploited. Link to post Share on other sites
Dakini Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 mmm - be careful here -- it may be easy to go to quick snap judgements, but there is something deeper going on here. Your girlfriend is definitely unhappy - but you may not be the cause (trust me - I've been that girl). Before you do anything, really sit down with her and have a heart to heart to get to the bottom of this problem. Once you have found it, I would recommend telling her that you will be there for her while she works to resolve these issues for herself. If she continues, though, no-matter what the problem - even if its not you - its time to move on. She has to heal herself before she can really be with anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 Papi - relationships aren't about throwing in the towel as soon as the road gets rough. They cared enough about each other to move in together. There may be something salvageable. She could be responding to work stress or to other issues of her own by being crabby and rude. You don't just toss someone over without at least giving it your best shot - and arguing and insulting is not anybody's 'best shot'. If they've gone to this much trouble to get together, then they might as well go to some trouble to try to stay together. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 Oh, I'm not saying they should break up, but I think a seperation is indicated for this girl to put her bullsheeite in perspective. I'm sorry, I don't care how crap your day's been or how crabby, cranky and pissed off you are, it's a mark of maturity to deal with others with a level head. Just take my deleted "sh*tlist" thread as an example. I overreacted, and it was immature. Same thing here. Unless she realises BY HERSELF what she stands to lose, she's just going to reinforce her bad behaviour with more bad behaviour. Being nasty is easy. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 Were you a bad boy? The fact is, Papi, that as Dakini said, when somebody's in a mood like that, often something's behind it all. Bailing is not the answer. If you're going to be a couple, you don't flee when troubles arise - including when your partner is behaving badly. First, you see if there's something amiss that you can work on together as a team. Maybe she is just bitchy but it's worth not jumping to conclusions about people. He needs to be sure that that's actually the case. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 I find that sort of childishness tedious. If you have problems or feel bad, talk about it and get it sorted out. Instead she pouts and bitches like a teenage girl with pimples. It's immaturity, I tell you. I'm sticking to my gunz. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 So your solution is to be equally immature? Sometimes in a relationship one person has to be the one to take the first step towards a solution. If you both dig in and get stubborn, the relationship dies. That's childish. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 I don't think he's being stubborn. He has good reason to feel upset. He has been open with his displeasure. She is the one avoiding the issue. She needs to stew in her own juices for a while, without outside interference. If stubborn means not allowing yourself to be exploited and degraded by someone else's infantilism, then stubborn is good. Link to post Share on other sites
bluetuesday Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 morning moi, pap et al. she's behaving like a real child, i just won't stand for it. i'm all for saving a relationship with a genuine chance but i'm not the one being beaten over the head here or the one failing to prove she has the emotional maturity to be in a serious relationship in the first place. but being fair to both, she sounds very unhappy. talk to her BEFORE you tell her if she doesn't buck up you'll kick her ass into touch. she's got to want it for herself. anything else is big waste of time. and pussying around the issue isn't going to do anything but reinforce in her mind that this sort of juvenile behaviour is acceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 Good morning! (I think the yanks have just crawled into bed over there ) Link to post Share on other sites
bluetuesday Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 hey there. sh*t, i've gotta go to work now. badly need a job where i can play LS all day. anyone need to hire a reporter? i'm pretty good too. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 ha ha blue tuesday, i left media to work in public service. i can now play on LS most of the day and still do more work that the rest of them Link to post Share on other sites
Dakini Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 Sorry, Pap, I got to disagree with you on this one -- Moimeme is right - giving up without talking about the real issue is what I find immature. Plus, perhaps we shouldn't refer to their behaviour in such black and white terms - immature, not immature, right, wrong etc. Perhaps he is making her feel like she can't open up to him. Maybe his obvious angst and hostility is preventing openness within the relationship... he would advise that he be the bigger person in this situation and put aside his immediate feelings so that she can feel comfortable addressing hers. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 My feeling is that she doesn’t know how to behave. I have known girls like this and they literally don’t know any better than to vent frustrations in this destructive fashion. I agree with merry, she needs to be shown a different way of reacting. One of my friends used to do this, she had a distant relationship with her family and her mother was fairly cold – she hadnt been taught how to behave. She was ashamed of herself, years ago we were watching a programme called Crapston Villas and there was a character on it who flipped out all the time and was a total stress-monkey, when we laughed and compared her she got upset and had a go at adapting her behaviour. However, had her bf mentioned it she’d of had a monumental sulk and slammed the door behind her. She did this because no-one else would take her crap except him. I’m not sure where I am going with this actually, I am just wah wah talking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author audiojunky Posted October 16, 2004 Author Share Posted October 16, 2004 I think I agree with a little bit about what everyone is telling me. I think that yes - she definitely has a problem with her behavior. I also think that maybe I am not doing something that could have her open up. I'm not quite sure what it is. Tonight I am here writing because I am just straight up upset again. She just arrived home after we haven't seen each other for two days. I've told her countlessly in the last few days that I hate it when she just goes to bed without saying goodnight. Well - tonight I was telling her how much my legs hurt from doing this exercise. I wanted to share it with her to see if maybe she would be interested in it and want to learn them because she is having issues with not enough time to get to the gym. Instead she shot back and said, "Well of course your legs are going to hurt in this city. Nobody does anything here." After this rather than arguing instantly with her I just left to my room. She asked me from the other room.. without even coming in to say good night - "Are you going to bed?" I went to bed, sat down and was quiet for a couple minutes. I then said - "Is there something wrong?" She says, "I don't know."... I said, "You don't know what? if there is something wrong with us?-- again she says "I don't know."... and I continue "Why do you have to give me a snappy response back about my legs hurting?" She said- "Nobody does anything here it is ridiculous. Of course your legs are going to hurt if you go to the gym" I responded with a small chuckle of disgust with her and she asked why I did... and I said, "You know, I could care less about what ****ing city we are in. I didn't go to the gym.. I did these exercises at home in 20 minutes.. they were short and quick and I just wanted to share it with you since you complain so much about not getting to the gym and not having time. " I didn't remind her about the fact that she once again ignored that I would of liked her to at least come say a friendly good night to me before she decided to go to sleep... and the fact that the exercises will make your legs feel painful regardless of the city you are in. She mentioned to me that I was upset because I didn't hear something that I would of liked...but I feel that it is not a matter of what I would like to hear.. it is a matter of us actually having a nice conversation without her being so unthoughtful in her repsonse. So anyways.. I guess typing this out makes me feel better so that I might hopefully get some good suggestions that might help me deal with finding a way to talk to her. If I can't do that the only thing that I can think of is some sort of counseling for the both of us or finding out what it will take to give up this lease. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 16, 2004 Share Posted October 16, 2004 You don't talk. You don't communicate. You both just look for opportunities to pounce on one another. You get hostile before you even start talking and then attack each other. tonight I was telling her how much my legs hurt from doing this exercise. I wanted to share it with her to see if maybe she would be interested in it and want to learn them Huh? You figure a good thing to do to entice someone to exercise is to complain about how bad it made you feel? She asked me from the other room.. without even coming in to say good night - "Are you going to bed? So she did speak to you - but didn't say exactly what you want her to. So you get in a snit. with a small chuckle of disgust with her Nice. You've exchanged maybe 20 words and now you 'chuckle with disgust'. You know, I could care less about what ****ing city we are in. I didn't go to the gym.. I did these exercises at home in 20 minutes.. they were short and quick and I just wanted to share it with you since you complain so much about not getting to the gym and not having time. And then you respond with hostility. She mentioned to me that I was upset because I didn't hear something that I would of liked Which is exactly what you said. She didn't say what you thought she should say so you immediately get hostile. Absolutely go to counselling and learn to treat each other with respect and kindness, even when one of you is grumpy or tired. Link to post Share on other sites
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