Anxiety in a relationship

[saz123]

Hi everyone

 

I don't know whether it's a self esteem issue or a lack of confidence in myself and my relationship, but I feel so anxious and down lately and the only reason I can think of is my relationship with my boyfriend.

 

From the outside it doesn't look as though there are problems in the relationship but I've been spending more time by myself recently, so less time with my boyfriend, and it seems to be making an improvement as it gives him a chance to miss me.

 

But due to me spending more time to myself it's given me time to think about the perks and non perks of our relationship together. We both go through phases of being so in love to wanting our own space. But my anxiety comes when I'm on my own and haven't heard from him all day, even though he's been on Facebook and could have chatted to me but didn't, or when I've sent him a text and he hasn't replied at all, until I have to text him again, then he replies. What I've also noticed lately is that he has left his phone at home whenever he's been going out (he usually sees me in the evenings or if not the evenings then it will be the afternoons). It's probably because he doesn't want to be bothered with people, or me, texting him or calling him. But it's when I know he's got my message and decides to not reply.

 

I do a fair bit for my boyfriend, whenever we go out either to the local coffee shop or a drive to get some food, his question will be "do you have some money?" Or "are you going to buy me ....." I end up always being like "yeah sure of course" BUT thinking about it... What does he buy me?!

 

I'm a doormat?

 

He says to me "I love you and we've got eachother that's all that matters".

 

I often get times when he's so awkward and angry towards me the anxiety hits me and I think, "well what is this are we going to break up?" I don't say that to him obviously but my emotions get hit like a punch to the face.

 

He HATES it when I'm upset or upset and crying. He thinks I stress myself out, when fact is HE stresses me out, and it stresses me out that he doesn't even seem to care, he just leaves me to deal with it myself.

 

I have problems at work too, I'm getting slightly bullied by a fellow colleague. I told my boyfriend and he just laughed when I said I cried. He probably thinks I'm just being pathetic.

 

He does anything to build my confidence, like when it comes to having s*x he always wants me to initiate it because "it will make me more confident".

 

I said to him the other day "do you think I've put on weight?" - I lost a load due to anxiety and stressing over him being an absolute arse to me whilst I was on holiday. But since I've been back I've managed to somehow comfort eat and put a load back on! But anyway his reply was "I dunno babe but maybe you should join my gym I think you'd be healthier that way".

 

Also when it comes to what I wear, he said to me "I see loads of girls that dress really well and I think you'd look good if you wore that stuff too". Same with my hair, I got it cut yesterday and I asked if it looked nice (it's just below shoulder length) his reply was "you shouldn't of done it, you didn't need it cut, I think you should grow it longer and dye it dark brown". We were talking about Cheryl Coles hair at the same time and he thought her hair was stunning. Well what about mine?!

 

All sounds so petty but c'mon how hard can it be.

 

My confidence is being knocked down hard and he's supposed to be making me more confident?

 

Comparing him now to him when I first met him, it's so upsetting to see how much his true colours have come out.

 

When we were first going out he'd text me all the time telling me how lucky he is to have me, how beautiful he thinks I am, how he can't wait to see me, etc etc and now it's just nothing like it at all.

 

I doubt it will ever be back to being like that either, if anyone knows how then please enlighten me <3

 

Feel like I'm waffling on too much now. I just feel like his little toy doll that's there whenever he wants me and does whatever he wants. I need to change this!!!!!!!

 

Xx

[travelbug1996]

you can't depend on him to build your confidence. He sounds like a jerk but i don't think that's a factor.

 

What's important is why you stay with someone who treats you like crap?? please

[spiderowl]

If you are not feeling good and feel ignored and hurt and this is frequently the case, then why are you with him? Surely you should be in a relationship where the guy treats you with respect and love and is happy to communicate with you regularly. Also, he is taking and not giving back by the sound of it.

 

Leaving the phone at home sounds odd, especially if he used to use it a lot (not for you but generally). How does he communicate with people for work and so on? My first thought was that he's probably got another phone you don't know about, but then why hasn't he told you? Sorry if I'm making matters worse but having had a bad experience with a guy with multiple phones, it stood out to me.

 

You deserve someone who treats you as kindly as you treat him. It's very simple.

[saz123]

If you are not feeling good and feel ignored and hurt and this is frequently the case, then why are you with him? Surely you should be in a relationship where the guy treats you with respect and love and is happy to communicate with you regularly. Also, he is taking and not giving back by the sound of it.

 

Leaving the phone at home sounds odd, especially if he used to use it a lot (not for you but generally). How does he communicate with people for work and so on? My first thought was that he's probably got another phone you don't know about, but then why hasn't he told you? Sorry if I'm making matters worse but having had a bad experience with a guy with multiple phones, it stood out to me.

 

You deserve someone who treats you as kindly as you treat him. It's very simple.

 

Simply because love IS blind.

 

But you're very right. I deserve to be with someone who treats me the same.

 

As for the phone situation he has another phone but it's a cheap old school kind of thing (no internet, no music etc) and that's is always switched off.

 

His work always call him to ask him to come cover shifts, I've seem how annoyed he gets when he is being frequently called. So I guess it's the same for when I call him a few times.

 

Sad really but what can I do.

 

He loves to be by himself, but knows he has me and isn't going to lose me. But that's no good for me as he doesn't necessarily try 100% of the time anymore.

[Got it]

Simply because love IS blind.

 

But you're very right. I deserve to be with someone who treats me the same.

 

As for the phone situation he has another phone but it's a cheap old school kind of thing (no internet, no music etc) and that's is always switched off.

 

His work always call him to ask him to come cover shifts, I've seem how annoyed he gets when he is being frequently called. So I guess it's the same for when I call him a few times.

 

Sad really but what can I do.

 

He loves to be by himself, but knows he has me and isn't going to lose me. But that's no good for me as he doesn't necessarily try 100% of the time anymore.

 

No one should have that level of confidence in their relationship. We show our SO every day why being with is a good idea for them. As soon as one becomes complacent they should be left.

 

I think your gut is really trying to tell you something. What do you think it is saying?

[mammasita]

He sounds like an ass! Why do you put up with the passive aggressive underhanded comments? I can see why you're so anxious, I would be too.

 

HOWEVER, you don't have any confidence in yourself, if you have to ask for compliments and beg for him to notice you then that's something you need to fix within.

 

Those two things combined are a ticking time bomb of anxiety. Honey you need to ditch the man and work on loving yourself. No man - not this one, nor the next chump you find - will ever make you feel better about yourself, that has to come from you.

[saz123]

No one should have that level of confidence in their relationship. We show our SO every day why being with is a good idea for them. As soon as one becomes complacent they should be left.

 

I think your gut is really trying to tell you something. What do you think it is saying?

 

It's saying I need to get a grip of myself and do something about it.

 

Whether thats leaving him or actually standing up for myself.

[Got it]

It's saying I need to get a grip of myself and do something about it.

 

Whether thats leaving him or actually standing up for myself.

 

Maybe a little out of column A and a little out of column B.

 

You know you are a catch, right? That if he doesn't recognize what a gift you are more the fool he is and there are smarter guys out there. You know your worth. Right?