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ThursdayChild

Hi everyone

 

 

A post on here reminded me of something I also said to a friend that I'd like some reflections on because I said something very similar and perhaps I was wrong.

 

 

A friend confided in me that she had some recent and severe mental health issues that she was having treated. A couple of days later I asked her how things were going and she told me she was having some issues with a family member as well. My response was "lame drama is just so attracted to you".

 

 

She said she was confused by my saying that and I responded I had good intentions but the world just brings her so much negativity she doesn't need. She has barely spoken to me since. Granted, I do not understand her illness and have not asked more about it. If I ask her how other things are going I get a simple but civil one liner.

 

 

Was I wrong in saying what I did or is she over sensitive?

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ThursdayChild

I am really trying to use this forum to reflect upon some actions I have taken. However, this is an isolated incident with a totally different friend than has been mentioned previously

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If I reached out to a person I thought was a friend, and he or she called my problems "lame drama" I would be hurt. It can be hard enough to teach out to a friend .. I'm assuming (hoping) you are here because you realize your skills in empathy might be a little lacking.

 

Try to be more encouraging and uplifting.

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Hi everyone

 

 

A post on here reminded me of something I also said to a friend that I'd like some reflections on because I said something very similar and perhaps I was wrong.

 

 

A friend confided in me that she had some recent and severe mental health issues that she was having treated. A couple of days later I asked her how things were going and she told me she was having some issues with a family member as well. My response was "lame drama is just so attracted to you".

 

 

 

 

 

She said she was confused by my saying that and I responded I had good intentions but the world just brings her so much negativity she doesn't need. She has barely spoken to me since. Granted, I do not understand her illness and have not asked more about it. If I ask her how other things are going I get a simple but civil one liner.

 

 

Was I wrong in saying what I did or is she over sensitive?

 

 

 

 

I've read your posts and I don't think it's this friend who attracts lame drama and negativity.

I hope you take the advice you are given before you lose more friends.

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Op!! I really want to help you because I think you lack social etiquette (not trying to be mean). If I were you, I would pick up a book on social graces. You can salvage this. Read up about her mental disorder a bit. Then start a conversation with something like " Hi (name). I want to apologize about what I said to you the last time we spoke. Unfortunately, I didn't understand the severity of the situation and tried to lighten the mood with a bad joke. That was extremely insensitive of me. I miss the time we spend together. (Go from there)". Best of luck to you!

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still_an_Angel

I work with people who have mental illnesses and joking around to lighten the mood is never the way to go. Depending on what she has, the severity of her condition, timeliness of diagnosis, etc its really offensive to shift the issue under the lame category. Not everyone who has been diagnosed with any type readily accepts this and lets the whole world know. It does carry a stigma and of course nobody wants to be labeled.

 

Based on your response, I think you are quite young. Maybe you need to read up on the basics of her condition so you would know how to deal with future conversations with her. Maybe a sincere and heartfelt apology will bring back your friendship.

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todreaminblue

I have this friend who often says cutting comments quite a bit the thing is i know her heart, i feel her hearts intentions isnt to hurt me exactly the opposite actually she gets hurt when she offends others.....,and lately i have noticed a decline in these comments as i get closer to her by opening myself up to her,but inserting buffers that allow the heart of me respite...i am a muliple personality so it happens almosty naturally now.....

 

 

 

so in this respect you lack etiquette and say inappropriate things on the other side of the equation she lacks the buffers to protect her from such hurtful things or comments ...theres too much stress and she is taking hit after hit and then she takes your blow...and its shut down time...she is raw and able to be hurt so she retreats...... so you need to buffer your conversations with thoughtfulness before you speak..... and when you know you hurt someone the easiest and kindest thing to do is apologize......so when you do get a chance do apologize in person and mean it......good luck.....deb

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I do give you kudos for coming here and reflecting on your behavior-it is a safer and healthier outlet and the people on here are very kind and honest.

 

 

That being said your comment was on the cruel side and rather self centered regardless of your intentions. Your friend is likely giving you civil one liners because she is no longer comfortable discussing anything beneath a surface level with you in all honesty. I wouldn't be either.

 

 

I had a very similar issue with a friend giving what I perceived as passive aggressive zingers on a very regular basis and I now keep her at a "send cards on birthday and at Christmas" kind of surface level.

 

 

If you're ok with that, then let this slide. But if you want to be a good friend, I'd definitely sincerely apologize.

 

 

Again, good on you for coming here to reflect on your behavior. I wish you the best of luck.

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ThursdayChild

I am still only getting polite one line responses when I contact this friend. I haven't apologized but I ask how things are going. I was pretty disappointed that I contacted her with extremely exciting news and she simply sent me a card and left it at that...hasn't asked how it's going with me etc.

 

 

Honestly...am I being a little out of line? Is this because I haven't apologized? Is this a friendship I should move on from? What does everyone think?

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serial muse
I am still only getting polite one line responses when I contact this friend. I haven't apologized but I ask how things are going. I was pretty disappointed that I contacted her with extremely exciting news and she simply sent me a card and left it at that...hasn't asked how it's going with me etc.

 

 

Honestly...am I being a little out of line? Is this because I haven't apologized? Is this a friendship I should move on from? What does everyone think?

 

I think the consensus is that what you said was slightly cruel and that you should apologize - if you want to keep the friendship. The ball is in your court to make amends, not hers.

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I am still only getting polite one line responses when I contact this friend. I haven't apologized but I ask how things are going. I was pretty disappointed that I contacted her with extremely exciting news and she simply sent me a card and left it at that...hasn't asked how it's going with me etc.

 

 

Honestly...am I being a little out of line? Is this because I haven't apologized? Is this a friendship I should move on from? What does everyone think?

 

 

 

She's dealing with some recent news about severe mental health issues (which you made light of, intentionally or not) and you're worried about her asking how you're doing with your happy news?

 

 

Be grateful you're getting polite one liners, it means she hasn't completely cut you out of her life. Give it time, perhaps she'll be more open when she gets a handle on her own issues. Have you offered your support? Asked if there's anything you can do for her? It's not all about you, you know.

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I am still only getting polite one line responses when I contact this friend. I haven't apologized but I ask how things are going. I was pretty disappointed that I contacted her with extremely exciting news and she simply sent me a card and left it at that...hasn't asked how it's going with me etc.

 

 

Honestly...am I being a little out of line? Is this because I haven't apologized? Is this a friendship I should move on from? What does everyone think?

 

Yes, you are out of line. Yes, this is because you haven't apologized. No, you should try to salvage this relationship. Even after you were rude to her, she went out of her way to get you a card for your good news. Seriously, you need to apologize. She came to you as a friend and you blew her off. She is being a good friend; you are not.

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I'm glad you asked this question. Your friend performed a lovely gesture by sending you a card under these circumstances. I would still apologize and ask her how HER health is doing. It sounds like you are concerned with yourself primarily...I get it you have good news, but her problems are not a reflection on your good news. It works both ways.

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I think your "lame drama is attracted to you" comment essentially devauled and belittled the struggles your friend is having. I can't see anything helpful in that comment - it is certainly not empathetic, so it doesn't come across as supportive in any way. You belittled her struggle, and distanced yourself from her, as if you are exasperated or disgusted with her situation. Is it really a surprise that she has distanced herself from you then?

 

I was pretty disappointed that I contacted her with extremely exciting news and she simply sent me a card and left it at that...hasn't asked how it's going with me etc.

I agree with the others who think that, in the midst of her mental health struggles and your pushing her away, the fact that she made the effort to send a card acknowledging your news is pretty gracious of her - some might think it's more than you deserve.

 

Honestly...am I being a little out of line? Is this because I haven't apologized? Is this a friendship I should move on from?

You might find it an interesting perspective to put yourself in her position, and wonder if she is asking herself that exact same question: is this a friendship I should move on from?

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Op!! I really want to help you because I think you lack social etiquette (not trying to be mean). If I were you, I would pick up a book on social graces. You can salvage this. Read up about her mental disorder a bit. Then start a conversation with something like " Hi (name). I want to apologize about what I said to you the last time we spoke. Unfortunately, I didn't understand the severity of the situation and tried to lighten the mood with a bad joke. That was extremely insensitive of me. I miss the time we spend together. (Go from there)". Best of luck to you!

 

Just seeing this comment, I have noticed that some people react to discomfort by cracking jokes. Could this be part of what happened OP? I chat to a guy occasionally and, if I start to talk about anything remotely serious, he starts cracking jokes. It's intensely annoying. He would say 'don't worry, I'm just trying to lighten up the mood', and maybe he is, but it's down to his discomfort. I don't need him to lighten the mood at that point. So the OP might like to think whether they crack jokes or quip when they don't know what else to say. Thinking about that might help prevent this in future.

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Just seeing this comment, I have noticed that some people react to discomfort by cracking jokes. Could this be part of what happened OP? I chat to a guy occasionally and, if I start to talk about anything remotely serious, he starts cracking jokes. It's intensely annoying. He would say 'don't worry, I'm just trying to lighten up the mood', and maybe he is, but it's down to his discomfort. I don't need him to lighten the mood at that point. So the OP might like to think whether they crack jokes or quip when they don't know what else to say. Thinking about that might help prevent this in future.

I think you need to be careful in this particular case. Since, in the original scenario, you went on to explain your comment in an apparently earnest way, (good intentions, but the world just brings negativity, etc...) then I think to take the approach - now - that "it was just a joke" would come off as disingenuous back peddling.

 

I think if you meant it, then own it. Trying to cover something with "it was just a joke" can misfire and make things even worse if it sounds like you aren't taking responsibility for what you said. It's kinda like the "non-apology-apology", where you say something like "I'm sorry you took offense at what I said..." In either one, it's sort of like you are saying "I didn't do anything wrong, the problem is that you took offense/didn't get the joke."

 

I think, if you determine that offense was taken and you want to make it better, there's no substitute for owning it.

 

(Edit to add: having said all that, if you really do crack an inappropriate joke and need to apologize for it, then by all means do so. But again: own it. Make it clear that it's your fault for reading the situation wrong and making a bad joke, not "I'm sorry you didn't get my joke."

 

But I feel like in this case, calling what the OP said a joke may be seen as a backtrack and not taking responsibility for it. )

Edited by Trimmer
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The reason I brought up the joke aspect is because of how the OP acted. The OP doesn't know the severity of the situation (otherwise she wouldn't have said what she said). I think she made a joke for this reason or to lighten the mood. I'm unsure why else she would make this comment. Of course, she should own it and apologize. It wasn't okay. However, I know many people who use jokes to deal with serious situations or awkward ones. (Personally, I'm not to big of a fan of this trait but different strokes for different folks)

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The reason I brought up the joke aspect is because of how the OP acted. The OP doesn't know the severity of the situation (otherwise she wouldn't have said what she said). I think she made a joke for this reason or to lighten the mood. I'm unsure why else she would make this comment. Of course, she should own it and apologize. It wasn't okay. However, I know many people who use jokes to deal with serious situations or awkward ones. (Personally, I'm not to big of a fan of this trait but different strokes for different folks)

I understand what you are saying and I agree with your points in general (including the discomfort of people misapplying humor in inappropriate situations.)

 

But going back to the original post, I don't know if it really would have sounded (to the friend) like it was a joke. It sounds like the OP went on to explain somewhat earnestly what the comment was intended to mean, so to backtrack now to "it was just a joke" might misfire.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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ThursdayChild

Thanks everyone. A bit of an update-I finally got a text from this friend asking how things are going with me. I have barely heard from her besides that. When I've asked her to get together she says she is busy.

 

 

I take it she is still not over my comment to her. I have done many kind things for her in the past and I am contemplating continuing a friendship with someone who would one comment so poorly as to barely speak to me and not want to get together. I didn't mean my comment as a joke, I meant it sincerely and I understand emails don't convey that. What does everyone think?

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  • 3 weeks later...

I think this friend is trying to end her relationship with you and that's why she is always busy. I think you should leave her alone and let her move on and perhaps find other friends.

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Why are you being so stubborn when it comes to making an apology to her? What you said to her was insulting and insensitive. Instead of pretending that it never happened and trying to sweep it under the carpet why not be a grown up and talk about it with your friend?

 

 

If you are not willing to acknowledge the elephant looming between the two of you then perhaps it is best to let the friendship fade away.

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