His invasive ex is ruining our relationship

[arts one]

Hi,

 

not sure how to deal with this but it is killing me. I have been going out with my boyfriend for five and a half years minus a break of two months i instigated 2.5 years ago. For the entire duration of our WHOLE relationship, one of his exes (previous to me) has been interfering.

 

We are both in our mid-late 20s and he was my first boyfriend. This girl is one that he knew from school and had a strange relationship with. they knew each other with his first girlfriend, messed around, dated after he broke up with the first one, she went though a bisexual phase and he described their situation by the end as being platonic.

 

Our third date all that time ago, was marred by her calling him during us watching a movie, so hysterical that i cared enough about him that i knew he had to take the call and i went for a 1/2 hr walk around the block. It continued, probably about 2 years into the relationship. She would always need something. He would help her move (even when she supposedly had a boyfriend), console her when she was down, make her soup when she was sick and lie about it (telling me it was for his mother) and so forth. I struggled with this immensely, all the while trying so hard not to be a wedge between them when I knew he still cared for her even if he just saw her as a friend or sister.

 

Our relationship is not without its problems. I am still studying and he works full time, he has a good salary (enough to support us both comfortably) and I often feel inadequate. I have lost weight and gained it, I am not the perfect housewife, and I often struggle with his putting other people's opinions, wants and desires above mine as his girlfriend (particularly his mother's). I have Depression, which has affected my libido. He is very proud, stubborn, selfish at times and has drug and alcohol issues. Part of my major insecurity comes from how emotionally manipulative he becomes when drunk, and yes, he needs to binge drink.

 

2.5 years ago I decided we needed a break. I wasn't happy and tried to figure out what it was to be single in my twenties. I found someone else, it didn't work out, all the while my boyfriend who I needed a break from didn't allow me the space and time I needed. It was incredibly selfish on my part and I will never forgive myself for the pain I have caused him.

 

At this time, he spoke to her a lot, he was taking hard drugs intravenously and I was scared for him. And no, he won't allow me to seek help for him - he is a functional addict. When all had settled down we got back together but he has been nasty to me ever since. We have some wonderful times, and then we don't and I can't be told to explain myself over and over for something I did that I don't even completely understand.

 

The day before my birthday last year, we started to hear from her again. She told him that she wanted his seed, that they would be perfect together and that they would have beautiful children. He told he this on my birthday the following day.

 

She has repeatedly called at three month intervals to "check" to see whether our relationship is going strong or fallen apart. This April, she demanded to know if he had popped the question or not. It had been a difficult week for us and apparently she inherently "knew" that he was in pain according to him. She proceeded to tell him that I was wrong, that he had better make sure I was on appropriate contraception because I would try to milk him for all he's worth once I popped out a kid (I come from a background where I have no need to be a golddigger, and it would not be in my nature to do so). Oh and that if it was a mutual decision to have children, they would be retarded. The clincher was that she had supposedly been to my father (a doctor) to have a smear test just so that it would hurt me to know my father's hands had touched her vagina. I have never met this woman, she has no grounds to state such horrible things about me.

 

That particular night my partner became very inebriated and insisted on getting on with hard drugs. I sat by the door for four hours until he passed out, all the while listening to how I would never help, save, protect him, and only she could do that. He said he was going to marry me when we were away in Europe earlier in the year, but he just couldn't trust me. I confronted him about it 2 days later when I said that he was never to contact her again, because out of respect for me and our relationship, he shouldn't be friends with someone who thinks so poorly of me. If she was to call or text, he was not to answer.

 

Anyway... this morning i used his phone to call my own to find it. Her number was in his call and text logs since the beginning of the week. Texts were banal and general small talk, yet looked like a broke sequence. She had called him at 11:30pm one night and he returned it back a couple of days later. When I stepped around the subject by asking whether he would always be honest, I received, "of course, why would you think that?" with a pissed off tone like he uses with me now when I get insecure and suspicious.

 

What should I do. I don't think telling him I saw his phone will work in my favour.

[FitChick]

He sounds like a total loser. No one with any self-respect would put up with that behavior for five minutes, never mind five years. You did, so what does that say about you?

[Poppyolive]

This relationship is toxic. He's toxic and you are codependant. Its destroying you. Yet you still hold hope. He has a hold on you because you've become weakened and somewhat immune to the reality that your relationship..you and him only is toxic. Blaming this other girl is not the problem here.

 

How can he possibly love you and care for you when he doesn't care about himself. It takes 2 to make a relationship and there is no way he can play his part when he is so unwell. You're playing the parts of two..... And its slowly weakening you.

 

My advice....leave.

[veggirl]

JFC dump this guy! He has been cheating on you THE WHOLE TIME!!! You CAN'T be that naive. I understand its your first relationship but for gods sake please don't make it your only. do you think you are in a good relationship?

 

btw, this isn't an ex coming in between you and your bf, it's your bf's fault, 100% and HE IS CHEATING ON YOU.

 

WHY would you put up with this for 5 years?

[No Limit]

Get out of this mess. He can't be fully committed if his ex is still around, and being rude to you shot your relationship dead.

 

Your happiness doesn't depend on him. Get out of there.

[TXGuy]

 

WHY would you put up with this for 5 years?

 

Perhaps, because he is financially supporting her. After he is done paying for her school she might decide to move on.

[FitChick]

Perhaps, because he is financially supporting her. After he is done paying for her school she might decide to move on.

Where did she say that? Did I miss it?

[arts one]

I am paying for my own study, thanks. I do however, have trouble with paying for bills because I can only work twice a week. I didn't realise living with someone in a long term relationship with them helping out was such an issue. He only finished his degree a year ago. Thanks for the help, I love my partner, I guess I just wanted a way forward that didn't mean losing him.

[MissBee]

Upon reading the title without even first reading the thread I thought, an invasive ex, unless the person is actually a mentally ill stalker, cannot ruin a relationship and any ex interference has to be encouraged and tolerated by your bf...and of course, reading the thread she isn't some crazed lunatic who pops out of bushes, but someone your ex still emotionally supports and gives the greenlight to be in his life.

 

She is the least of your concerns and it seems she is just a scapegoat for bigger issues or metaphorically she is the speck in your relationship while the huge rotting beam is being ignored. Your post discusses lots of other issues in your relationship that have nothing to do with his ex at all. He has drug and alcohol issues, you have depression issues, he won't let you help him (although you can't make an addict want help) and he is nasty to you. NONE of this is healthy and even if his ex disappears you are dating a man with alcohol and drug addiction who treats you poorly.

 

I'm sorry...I know you love him and don't want to lose him...but I can't fathom how anyone can find this situation worthy of holding on to. I am not judging, I am just actually concerned for you because to the average person this situation wouldn't have gone on 5 years and the fact that your concerns seem to be on his "invasive ex" over the MUCH larger issues seems like your perception is off.

 

My advice is to speak to a counselor. Tell them about your depression and this relationship. You don't want to lose him but what benefits are you getting? You support him financially, he's nasty to you, has an invasive ex, prioritizes others over you...where are the benefits of this relationship? You are okay with possibly losing yourself or still losing him anyway to drug overdose or this wayward life...something is wrong here.

 

Codependency was brought up and your situation is the textbook definition. Lots of times it is tossed around incorrectly but in your case it is correct esp since codependency was first used to discuss the dynamics of relationships where one partner is an alcoholic/addict and the other enables them or tries to fix them and of course can't and they are together in a toxic situation that neither can leave swearing it is love even though their lives are falling apart around it.

 

What you should do? Realize the SERIOUSNESS and TOXICITY of the situation. What do your friends and family think or do you hide these things for fear of them being truthful and critical about your relationship? If you hide it please confide in a family member or friend, as while your bf needs an intervention, so do you. I would also get counseling ASAP to help to see things clearly and to build up the strength to have better boundaries and to demand more out of a relationship than this. Emotionally healthy people leave relationships for less than this because they know and believe that they can have a relationship that is good for them so if it is not giving them what they need they leave....yet you seem to be getting so little and the problems are SO HUMONGOUS and you just want a bandaid and ways to stay...something is very off with that. I do hope that you get professional counseling and the blinders come off and you choose a healthy path for yourself even if it means without him...that's also what being someone with high self worth means...knowing that relationships can end and some should and you will be okay if you must end one because it is more bad than good.

Edited June 15, 2014 by MissBee

[whichwayisup]

I am paying for my own study, thanks. I do however, have trouble with paying for bills because I can only work twice a week. I didn't realise living with someone in a long term relationship with them helping out was such an issue. He only finished his degree a year ago. Thanks for the help, I love my partner, I guess I just wanted a way forward that didn't mean losing him.

 

What is it that you actually love about him? So far (sorry to say) he sounds like an a-hole! He binge drinks, treats you like shi.t, he does drugs, he has cheated on you and doesn't respect you at all. He has lied to you over and over again.

 

The ex isn't the problem here. HE IS. He is allowing her to be in his life. He's chosen this all on his own. If he wanted her out of his life, she would be GONE.

 

You've said nothing positive about him.

 

This is an extremely unhealthy and damaging relationship. It's only going to get worse as time goes on.

[TXGuy]

Where did she say that? Did I miss it?

 

Paragraph 4

"I am still studying and he works full time, he has a good salary (enough to support us both comfortably)..."

 

I was suggesting one factor why someone might stay in a relationship that they otherwise might not.

[cocorico]

 

Our third date all that time ago, was marred by her calling him during us watching a movie, so hysterical that i cared enough about him that i knew he had to take the call and i went for a 1/2 hr walk around the block.

 

This didn't worry you at the time? That your date not only didn't have enough respect for you to switch his phone off during your date and focus on you, but also that he was antisocial enough to leave his phone switched on during a movie and wreck the movie for a whole cinema full of other people, too? And that he had so little respect for you - during a date, when he should have been trying to impress you - that he not only took the call, but he spoke to her for 1/2 an hour, effectively ruining your date, instead of telling her "I can't speak now, I'll call you back when I can"? You saw how rude and inconsiderate he was - not only toward you, but to everyone else - and you thought that being the adult, rational GF would shame him into developing proper social skills! or growing proper boundaries?

 

 

 

2.5 years ago I decided we needed a break. I wasn't happy and tried to figure out what it was to be single in my twenties. I found someone else, it didn't work out, all the while my boyfriend who I needed a break from didn't allow me the space and time I needed. It was incredibly selfish on my part and I will never forgive myself for the pain I have caused him.

 

 

So.... You weren't happy. You needed a break. Fair enough.

 

You met someone else, but it didn't work out because your then-XBF treated you the way his XGF treats him, causing your BF to back off like any normal person would do when their GF doesn't insist on proper boundaries for their xBF. OK.

 

But then: "my BF who I needed a break from didn't allow me the space and time I needed" becomes "it was incredibly selfish on my part" ?? Um, no. It was incredibly selfish on his part. You asked for space. He denied you that. That's him being a petulant, selfish jerk - not you being selfish. That's him getting into your mind and getting you to feel bad for his poor behaviour.

 

She treats him with entitlement - due to his poor boundaries - and you blame her.

He treats you with entitlement - due to your poor boundaries - and you blame yourself.

 

Heads he wins, tails you lose. He does exactly what you rage about her doing, but instead f blaming him like you blame her, you blame yourself. Do you hold this guy responsible for his poor behaviour at all - or are you always prepared to excuse it, and put the blame elsewhere (xGF, drugs, alcohol, yourself)?

 

You say you want to keep your BF, but you want his X out of the picture. That might not be a choice available to you. You can only tell him what you're prepared to put up with - and if he doesn't respect that (as the phone logs show) you can't make her disappear anymore than you can make him develop appropriate boundaries. You can only decide whether or not you're prepared to eat your words and continue to put up with any bad behaviour he continues to dish out, or whether you have limits to what you're prepared to accept from him and what those limits are.

 

If their continuing R really is a deal breaker for you, he's broken the deal. He's shown that he cares more about his R with her than about his R with you - and you can either live with that knowing you'll always be no. 2 (or perhaps no.3, after himself and xGF, or even no.4 after himself, xGF and his mother?) and that's OK for you really... or you can show that it really is a dealbreaker for you, and walk away. That is your choice. Do you want him at any cost - including the cost of your own dignity - or do you only want him if he's prepared to treat you with the love and respect you offer him?

[Emilia]

I agree with the others that it's a toxic, codependent relationship.

 

OP, you have to realise that this guy is an adult. In theory he is capable of making decisions for himself. Certainly should be. When I read your comment on how he is not allowing you to seek help for him - he shouldn't. He is an adult, it's his job if he wants to get better. You are not his mother.

 

His ex isn't doing anything, he is allowing his life to turn into a complete mess because he isn't capable of running it properly. You need to find the reason why you are attracted to a manchild, maybe you come from a family of addicts/alcoholics. That would be my guess.

[MJTig]

Yikes! Get out of there... let her have him.