Family gatherings and feeling unwanted.

[Sonya2630]

Ok my boyfriend and I have been dating on and off again for about 5 years now and I still don't like going around his folks sometimes because I just feel like I'm not wanted there. Now in the past I didn't have a problem going to functions until the disrespect and bad arguing started happening in front of them. So I stopped going to functions completely for like 2 and a half years. We starting dating when were 20 now both 25. But anyway we have grown and things have gotten better. We moved in together and now talking marriage. But I don't want to marry him if I can't try to fix the way I feel around his family. For one when I do come my boyfriend acts as if he doesn't want me there and if I came then I can be his maid and wait on him hand and foot. These are my words not his. But this is how I feel. Then the family always wants me to come but when I do I get dry hellos and when ever I come in a room where they are, slowly but surely everyone leaves out. It's weird because when I'm one on one with the family members everything is good. But when it's all of us I'm the one left out feeling like I shouldn't even be there. So when I tell him I don't want to go he throws a huge fit about and doesn't understand at all. I really don't know what to do about this. Sometimes I suck it up and go because I know I'm not really talkative to people I don't really know or feel comfortable with. But when I do try I still get the same results. People act as if I shouldn't be there but when not they as if they want me to come. I'm confused!! What should I do??

[CC12]

It seems like there are two separate issues here.

 

One is that you don't like how your boyfriend treats you when you're both around his family. This is a relationship problem, not a problem with his family. Have you spoken to him about this and specifically asked him not to do certain things?

 

The other issue is that you feel like his family isn't very welcoming. I'm thinking this is more of a personal problem, rather than anything they're doing. I don't want to say that it's all in your head, but I think you're maybe taking things too personally. The "dry hellos" and everyone eventually leaving the room you're in don't point to them not wanting you there. Maybe they're just an awkward bunch. Or maybe they expect you to follow when everyone leaves the room. Maybe they even sense that you don't want to be there so they aren't sure how to act around you. But they invite you, so clearly they do want you there.

 

My advice is to just go, try to be as warm and friendly as you can, try to connect with them through conversation, and try to blend in with the group. If they all trickle out of the room, just follow them if you can. Move wherever the crowd goes.

 

You know what's a great way to navigate a family gathering? Make yourself useful. Go help in the kitchen. Entertain the little kids while the adults socialize. Play chess in the corner with Old Uncle Albert, or whatever. If there's a lull, go "get something out of your car" or go freshen up in the restroom or go get a drink refill. Just always be doing something.

 

They don't sound like awful people or anything, so it should be doable to find a way to successfully interact with your future husband's family. Give them a chance.

[Emilia]

For one when I do come my boyfriend acts as if he doesn't want me there and if I came then I can be his maid and wait on him hand and foot.

I'm confused!! What should I do??

Find a new boyfriend. An actual one that sticks around as opposed to go 'on/off'.

[amaysngrace]

He trashed you to his family every time you guys disrespected each other in front of them and they no doubt expressed their own disgust to him.

 

When you broke up they were probably glad because you didn't exactly bring out the best in each other and they witnessed that firsthand when you both acted like boneheads.

 

Maybe he forgave you but they haven't. He loves you. They don't.

 

All they remember is the family functions you guys made sucky and it's your fault in their minds because they love him but they don't love you.

 

You're just the bad mojo girl.

[d0nnivain]

I don't have any advice re him wanting you to be his maid. I do try to be extra nice to DH around his family to assure them that I am taking good care of him. I'll bring him a beer or fix him a plate even if I might not do those things at home.

 

To get closer to his family you may need to reach out. Ask Qs. Volunteer to set the table or do the dishes -- pitch in. Since you disappeared for a while they may be hanging back because they don't know where your head is. If you are contemplating getting married, pretty soon you will be part of the family & you will expected to help around the house.