Boyfriend still grieving the death of his ex-fiance....

[embersmama]

Hi all.

 

I am a divorced mom of 2 girls. I recently started dated a divorced man that I recently reconnected with (we graduated high school together). He was engaged until this past December, when his fiance of a year suddenly passed away. When we first started talking a month ago, he told me he was ready to start something new. I had my doubts. I told him to take things slowly, but he rushed things a bit. Which, I liked, it made me think he was serious about me. (He claims he has had a crush on me since 6th grade.)

 

Well, I have trust issues from my cheating ex husband of 16 years. I have a really hard time trusting. Apparently, I have asked him questions this past week that made him think I don't feel secure in him, because there were rumors going on around town about him sleeping around (prior to me), which I understand, when you are trying to get over someone, you do things you may not be proud of later.

 

Now he wants to take a few steps back and slow down, which is good, I wanted slow to start with. Problem is, his kids like me a lot, and mine like him and his kids. But now he is realizing he isn't as ready as he thought he was. A lot of things are bringing up memories of her. We aren't done, but we need to back this relationship up. He says he wants me and my girls in his life.

 

Problem is, I fell for this man. Hard. And his kids. It all feels right to me. And yes, I know, it's too soon in the relationship to judge this. But I couldn't walk away from this now, unless he told me to.

 

My question is, how do I accept sharing him with her memory? How do we back this up without hurting anyone? How do I help him move on? What can I possibly say to help him cope?

[Priv]

He is understandably not over the death of his ex. It has only been 5 months. And I believe you when you say the feelings are true on both sides but... you are opening yourself up to a world of hurt continuing like this.

 

Not say never, but this is soooo not a good time to start a relationship, especially not with two whole families involved.

[whichwayisup]

He is so not ready for any serious relationship since he is still in love with his fiance and grieving her death. He likes you, is attached to you but emotionally isn't ready to commit or get too deep so it seems.

 

IF you two do work out after the timing is better, don't be threatened by his fiance's memory. Embrace it and think of her as a guardian angel. Don't try to erase her, or compete.

 

Stay friends if you can handle it and let him grieve, it hasn't been a year, let alone barely 6 months since she passed away. If it's too hard then end it because if you stay with him, you'll be the one hurting as time goes on.

[pteromom]

You only started talking to him a month ago, and you've already met each others kids? Oh my.

 

It's ok to slow down and move forward, but I would limit how much time your families spend with each other. It would be terrible to make the kids feel like one family then end the relationship. Their well-being needs to come first here.

 

My question is, how do I accept sharing him with her memory?

 

You don't have a choice. She is always going to be an important part of his life. You have to realize she is NOT a threat, and that his devotion to her is a good thing - it shows he is a loyal loving person.

 

How do we back this up without hurting anyone?

 

Keep the kids out of it as much as possible.

Drop expectations of each other, and just have fun when you see each other.

Talk about what each of you want from the other, and figure out a way to give it without pressure.

Don't try to move forward into any next phases of your relationship - seeing each other more, moving in, etc.

 

How do I help him move on?

 

Be supportive, kind, and give him space to grieve. Realize that the most loving thing you can do right now is to be understanding.

 

What can I possibly say to help him cope?

 

"I'm here for you." I don't know what else you can say... it's going to take him some time, and it will be a slow process.

[dichotomy]

Hi all.

 

I am a divorced mom of 2 girls. I recently started dated a divorced man that I recently reconnected with (we graduated high school together). He was engaged until this past December, when his fiance of a year suddenly passed away. When we first started talking a month ago, he told me he was ready to start something new. I had my doubts. I told him to take things slowly, but he rushed things a bit. Which, I liked, it made me think he was serious about me. (He claims he has had a crush on me since 6th grade.)

 

Well, I have trust issues from my cheating ex husband of 16 years. I have a really hard time trusting. Apparently, I have asked him questions this past week that made him think I don't feel secure in him, because there were rumors going on around town about him sleeping around (prior to me), which I understand, when you are trying to get over someone, you do things you may not be proud of later.

 

Now he wants to take a few steps back and slow down, which is good, I wanted slow to start with. Problem is, his kids like me a lot, and mine like him and his kids. But now he is realizing he isn't as ready as he thought he was. A lot of things are bringing up memories of her. We aren't done, but we need to back this relationship up. He says he wants me and my girls in his life.

 

Problem is, I fell for this man. Hard. And his kids. It all feels right to me. And yes, I know, it's too soon in the relationship to judge this. But I couldn't walk away from this now, unless he told me to.

 

My question is, how do I accept sharing him with her memory? How do we back this up without hurting anyone? How do I help him move on? What can I possibly say to help him cope?

 

 

Let me get time line right.

 

December 2013 - the love of his life and fiancé dies. Was she the mother of his kids too?

 

For 4 months afterwards her sudden death - January 2014 through April 2014 - casually f's women (sleeps around) to make him self feel better over the death of the love of his life? Was he chasing women at the wake?

 

April 2014 He meets you and you guys AND your kids all rush into merged love fest in a month?!

 

It is now May 2014 and he wants to take step back.

 

 

Holly Cow.....! I don't know what to say here. This man is messed up.

Edited May 19, 2014 by dichotomy

[salparadise]

It sounds like he has not taken time to grieve, much less to have moved on. If he was chasing tail since her death in December, then he's avoiding the process altogether. He was coping, not grieving. Slowing things down a bit with you isn't going to make it all peachy in a month either. Grief takes time, exactly how much depends on the person and the relationship. He needs help. Your best bet is to encourage him to see a therapist and to take a break for awhile as he begins. That simply needs to happen if you want to give this a chance. Otherwise... most likely a disaster in the making. Use your responsibility to your kids as the motivation to do what needs to be done. I know this is not what you want to hear, but I hope it somehow gets through to you. Good luck.