Fiancé feels insecure when I see friends

[confused1983]

My fiancé of several years has always been insecure, he was bullied as a child and never had many friends, he still doesn't and won't make the effort to make new ones or try to get along with my friends partners.

 

It is something that we have talked about before as he would get very upset, either angry or sad whenever I make plans to see my friends. Sometimes these plans include both of us, and then he isn't do bad. But if I make plans with family or friends (that involve both of us) a couple times in one week he says that it's a hectic week and we aren't getting quality time together. I stopped seeing my friends, I now only have 2 that live near by, if I make plans to see them on my own, to catch up, have a natter and maybe dinner, he gets worked up and sees it as me "wanting time away from him" and that by making plans without him my friends are "taking me away from him." It's a very childish approach, he just doesn't seem to understand that seeing friends is normal, although to a certain extent I understand that it is difficult for him, surely at the age of nearly 30 he can see this?

 

He has had counselling for this a year ago because he used to react even worse. But I'm getting worried that this will never change and that me having friends or even socialising more than once a week (with or without him), will always cause problems. I don't think asking to spend time with friends a couple times a week as wrong, especially as it's been whittled down to once a month for the best part of 8 months. My friends have all moved on, they have new friends, and my best friend has somebody else helping organise her wedding.

 

For the first time in a year I went out with my best friend to a bar for a couple if drinks. She had two 'new' friends with her too and I felt like a fish out if water. I practically had a panic attack when it came to getting in the dance floor and spent about an hour in the toilets crying. This us not who I used to be.

 

I tried to reassure my partner before I went out, and said that I love him etc but after how I felt when I was out that night and how he reacted the next day, not really talking to me, being possessive and saying "it's going to get worse, you will want to make it a regular thing now and I'll never see you." I said that this wasn't true, I realised how much I have missed out on and just want a couple nights a week or even one day on a weekend to spend time with them. My best friends fiancé has invited him out numerous times and he just ignores him or makes excuses.

 

I don't know what to do, stay and fight - make plans for us to socialise and for me to see my friends, or leave.

[Philosoraptor]

I was in your shoes a few years back. The advice now, that I would have given myself back then, goes as such.

 

"You have the right to lead the life that makes you happy. You don't need to lose your friends and family for one person, because if that one person truly cared about you they would make your happiness a priority. Guilt and passive aggressiveness is not the path someone who cared about your happiness would take. Having a life outside of the relationship is normal, what you're doing now is what is abnormal. Someone else's issues should not change how you live your life, and you needn't baby an adult."

 

And the thing is that I'm not the most social person, but I am close to my family and have a couple really close friends. It got to the point that an hour or so every few weeks was too long. I too went almost a year without seeing my close friends and missed many holidays with my family. These are times I will never get back.

 

Thankfully I finally got myself together and decided that my happiness was more important than staying in a suffocating relationship that I wasn't all that happy with anymore anyways. I ended it and found myself back to my normal and happy life. Picked up with my friends and family like those 5 years were nothing but a bad dream. I took care of myself, healed up, and now I'm engaged to a great woman who makes my family a priority. I see my friends and family at least once a week and I play football every weekend.

 

I would never have had the happy life I have now had I kept trying to make it work with such a suffocating person. You need to do what is best for you and consider the future. Are your possible future children going to be allowed to have friends? Are your friends and family going to to be able to visit your children? If you do get married are you going to be able to invite them? My ex wanted to elope because she didn't want my family around, then pretty much said there was no need to have our future kids spend any significant time with their grandparents. It really opened my eyes and it was bad enough I was torturing myself; I was not going to let the passive aggressive witch suffocate my children as well.

 

Think of what you're going through now and imagine doing it for the rest of your life, imagine it happening to possible offspring. If things won't change, are you willing to live through that for the rest of your life? This situation right here is where I developed my "life is too short to spend any of it unhappy" motto. So much time lost and spent miserable... and for what? It gets better, it got better, and life will continue to be as good as you let it.

[TaraMaiden]

Completely agree with my friend Philosoraptor, here...

His personal problems, issues, hang-ups, whatever politically correct names you want to give it - should not be yours.

 

he has no right to impose his own prejudices and flaws onto you, AND expect you to make allowances for him - completely unfair.

 

If he has these kinds of problems, then he needs to either go back to counselling because whatever happened back there, either didn't work, or he refused to put IN the work - or shut up and suck it up.

 

You? As Philo said - think about whether you want this to be a lifetime issue.

because the more you put up with it, tolerate it, accommodate it and work round it - them more he will do it, push the boundary, and edge you further and further back, until you're up against a wall with nowhere to go, no-one to see and nothing to do - but be with him.

On his terms only.

 

Ugh....

[whichwayisup]

This is only going to get worse as time goes on so you partner better continue with counseling and learn how to be comfortable with a social life, let alone allowing you to have some free time to spend with family and friends.

 

You two can't be joint by the hip 24/7, that's just not healthy at all! Each person needs space, needs to have time to do their own thing whether it be reading a book, relaxing, or going out with friends.

[Darl]

I don't think a little time spent with friends is any big deal. Even if you take trips alone is it anything your husband or fiance should worry about. Being married is not being kept in a yard or a doghouse. Women shouldn't be under suspicion of cheating if they see their friends, even male friends. Many things should be okay if you feel like doing them, for example, traveling on trips by yourself, going to lunch, dinner, movies, swimming, working out, jogging with friends (including males), even flirting. Some people cannot stand it if their partner enjoys being with others or if in company their partner doesn't stifle themselves enough so that their attractiveness is completely absent. I could not stand not having the freedom to do all of these things. I couldn't stand having to worry, "Is this okay with him/her?" I divorced my husband because he was always pestering me and finding fault. I always felt "under suspicion."

 

You and this man are probably not suited for each other.

[confused1983]

Thank you everyone who replied, your words and experiences have given me much to think about. Since my last post I have talked to my partner, and he was devastated that he has made me feel this way, he apologised and we had an adult conversation - no crying or screaming.

He said that he never wanted me to be affected like this and that he understands how stifling he's been. Of course I know that these are the 'right' things to say, and I'm sure he knows that too, but he has a good heart and I know he means it, it's whether things will actually change. The first thing he said was that he was annoyed with himself for letting it happen again and that he hadn't noticed.

I love him, but I think it's just as a friend now, I don't want to be in intimate with him, and when we do it's not enjoyable and I just want it to end. But maybe the spark will come back, it did before after his counselling. Is it actually gone or is it a temporary thing because of how trapped I feel, and I admit the resentment that I'm starting to feel.

[HomanWater]

Thank you everyone who replied, your words and experiences have given me much to think about. Since my last post I have talked to my partner, and he was devastated that he has made me feel this way, he apologised and we had an adult conversation - no crying or screaming.

He said that he never wanted me to be affected like this and that he understands how stifling he's been. Of course I know that these are the 'right' things to say, and I'm sure he knows that too, but he has a good heart and I know he means it, it's whether things will actually change. The first thing he said was that he was annoyed with himself for letting it happen again and that he hadn't noticed.

I love him, but I think it's just as a friend now, I don't want to be in intimate with him, and when we do it's not enjoyable and I just want it to end. But maybe the spark will come back, it did before after his counselling. Is it actually gone or is it a temporary thing because of how trapped I feel, and I admit the resentment that I'm starting to feel.

 

So realistically speaking, he's not completely off base.

 

While it sounds very wrong to forbid you from having friends, he realized your marriage has problems and probably thinks you're vulnerable to advances from other men.

 

It might not a good way to go about it, but it's far cry from him being abusive, possessive a-hole like it would seem at first glance.

[BeingMe]

If you feel this way now, don't marry him.

 

My husband made it difficult for me to keep my friends, using passive opposition. Yet we kept all his friends. I lost a lot of my hobbies too. I lost my sense of self. Now part of that was on me. I chose to allow that to happen, just as you are doing.

 

Many years later, after him having at least 2 affairs, my husband left. I now have a great wide circle of new friends, I am regaining my confidence etc...but I feel that I had many 'lost' years and regret the friendships that fell away.

[TaraMaiden]

Thank you everyone who replied, your words and experiences have given me much to think about. Since my last post I have talked to my partner, and he was devastated that he has made me feel this way, he apologised and we had an adult conversation - no crying or screaming.

He said that he never wanted me to be affected like this and that he understands how stifling he's been. Of course I know that these are the 'right' things to say, and I'm sure he knows that too, but he has a good heart and I know he means it, it's whether things will actually change. The first thing he said was that he was annoyed with himself for letting it happen again and that he hadn't noticed.

I love him, but I think it's just as a friend now, I don't want to be in intimate with him, and when we do it's not enjoyable and I just want it to end. But maybe the spark will come back, it did before after his counselling. Is it actually gone or is it a temporary thing because of how trapped I feel, and I admit the resentment that I'm starting to feel.

 

Stop this, and stop it immediately.

Do not, DO NOT, DO NOT have sex with him out of a sense of pity/guilt/obligation!!

 

Never, ever de-value yourself in such a way - sex with your partner is one of the closest, most intimate, most giving act you can perform and to devalue yourself as to agree to sex when in reality, it's not enjoybale and you 'just want it to end' is a dreadful thing to put yourself through - needlessly.

 

And could I just say, in some weird sense I can't quite put my finger on - I feel dreadfully insulted that you should do this - it demeans, in me, the sanctity of the committed intimacy I have tied myself to, voluntarily, in order to show my partner how much I love him.

I consider an act of intimacy to be sacred.

Your having sex with this man, when you have no such feeling towards him, demeans the act, and belittles you, beyond words.