Is the slut-shaming as bad as the male virgin shaming?

[Editbee]

As a woman I find them both equally unfair. Why so too many people even care about someone's sex life or lack of it? Whether it's out of personal choice or not, I think it's really none of their business.

 

A couple days ago, my ex bf whom I was contacted way back in Sept of last year, called me drunkenly and confessed that I was one he lost his virginity to and that's why he can't never forget me and asked for a friendship that day. This is the same ex bf I made a post on:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/425838-cheating-ex-bf-contacting-me-5-years-later

 

He said that in HS, some of his guy friends and two girls once ridiculed him about it and how he really wanted to wait at the time. I wouldn't have minded to be honest. I would have actually been upset that he had to lie about not being one; I would have found it so sweet. Come to think of it, now that I know these after all this years it makes me feel good that I took a man's virginity (while I wasn't) for once in my life.

 

Too bad he later on cheated on me and it was over right there for me. He explained more of it about making a mistake back then and how curiosity got him (when he cheated, that was really the 2nd girl) and he has increase after our break-up long ago off course. I've gotten into a couple other relationships too. I just really sucks that he didn't trust me at the time. It makes me think he didn't know me very well.

Edited February 3, 2014 by Editbee

[youaremysunshine]

It's hard to compare the two. They both really cruel and they are both ways to shame people who do not conform to gender stereotypes. I kind of figured most of the virgin shaming came from other men though, since most women I know are willing to play the role of the "teacher" to a decent guy they care about. I was in a relationship with a virgin (no longer a vigin hehehe) and I like being the more experienced one. I felt very womanly and sexy, and like the only girl in the world. Unfortunately he became very insecure about the fact I have had many lovers. Oh well

[Eau Claire]

As good? As bad?

 

Men are men and women are women.

 

The less a women has slept around, the more her worth...been like this in most cultures since civilization began. Not about to end because of political correctness.

 

Male virginity...only seems a topic or issue in comedies. Few people would care one way or the other to its adding or subtracting from a guy.

[Tayla]

They are in essence one and the same schematics.

 

You will be amazed when you look back ten years and 20 years how your opinion will change on this matter. For now, stay with it. You'll come to terms in a way that makes sense to both sides.

 

Not of fan of promiscuity or pristine, most folks level out thank goodness .

[youaremysunshine]

What?! The less a woman has slept around the less her worth? That's not based on anything and not even a commonly held belief in non jeudochristian and Islamic societies. The concept of virginity only emerged shortly after private property began being passed from a man to his sons after his death. With all a mans life's work on the line, it suddenly became VERY important that a woman be completely untouched by and isolated from other men.

[youaremysunshine]

And that's why it's considered a merit when a woman is a virgin and a shame when a man is.

[Editbee]

They are in essence one and the same schematics.

 

You will be amazed when you look back ten years and 20 years how your opinion will change on this matter. For now, stay with it. You'll come to terms in a way that makes sense to both sides.

 

Not of fan of promiscuity or pristine, most folks level out thank goodness .

I just don't think it's fair that people are forced to act out on what society wants them and if someone makes a different choice about sexuality, he/she is mocked harshly. Everyone is different; some want to wait till marriage while others want to be in a relationship and some like a female friend of mine doesn't mind being in casual dates when she's not looking for a relationship. Edited February 3, 2014 by Editbee

[Editbee]

And that's why it's considered a merit when a woman is a virgin and a shame when a man is.

It really makes no difference. The only thing is they just haven't had sex but it doesn't necessarily tell about their overall personality. For instance, there used to be this a girl in my HS that was waiting till marriage but she had an ''I'm way better than anyone'' attitude and kept dumping guy after guy. She would excuse it with ''Yeah at least I'm a virgin, I can do anything with a guy except sex''. I doubt any sane man would like a virgin woman that treated him and others poorly and was a really mean and judgmental person. I mean yes she's a virgin but would he be happy if she's not a good person??

 

Then there are the virgins and people that had many partners who had good upbringings and treats others with respect.

[mario_C]

Slut shaming is an act of sexism that affects every woman's life, and is a real problem in society. For example, women who are told they "deserved" to be assaulted for daring to dress attractively. Women who are dismissed from their jobs because their attractiveness is "distracting" to male co-workers and supervisors. Women who are called whores on the cover of the New York Post and other "newspapers". That is slut shaming, and it sucks.

 

Male virgin shaming is not as widespread, though I imagine it does exist. And it does not speak to the same power structure that exists in the world.

Being teased around the locker room or classroom about your weakness or shyness is not nice, but lumping it in the same category is a little insulting, actually.

[Editbee]

Slut shaming is an act of sexism that affects every woman's life, and is a real problem in society. For example, women who are told they "deserved" to be assaulted for daring to dress attractively. Women who are dismissed from their jobs because their attractiveness is "distracting" to male co-workers and supervisors. Women who are called whores on the cover of the New York Post and other "newspapers". That is slut shaming, and it sucks.

Yes, this really is irritating. I've been in 6 relationships (well one of them started out as a FWB) by now and it really is so annoying how that to some men is still too much while they have been with way more. It's not my fault the relationships didn't work out. I don't want to wait till marriage either. I don't know if I even want marriage.

Male virgin shaming is not as widespread, though I imagine it does exist. And it does not speak to the same power structure that exists in the world.

Being teased around the locker room or classroom about your weakness or shyness is not nice, but lumping it in the same category is a little insulting, actually.

Though both aren't exactly the same, they do relate in the fact that it involves shaming into it by others and their peers. Those that feel the need to shame are close-minded and judgmental people that should be avoided. My ex bf was not just mocked but according to him a former friend of him started telling others how he might be gay. IMO that's also a terrible thing to be shamed about and being falsely called out something you're not just because you're a virgin who is waiting. Edited February 3, 2014 by Editbee

[Eau Claire]

What?! The less a woman has slept around the less her worth? That's not based on anything and not even a commonly held belief in non jeudochristian and Islamic societies. The concept of virginity only emerged shortly after private property began being passed from a man to his sons after his death. With all a mans life's work on the line, it suddenly became VERY important that a woman be completely untouched by and isolated from other men.

 

Huh?...I've worked in developing countries and a woman's worth is definitely valued by her virginity in not some...but most. The number one visit of women to our clinic in Mali was by women who had been raped abandoned by their husbands. They were no longer considered worthy to be primary wives but second or third wives.

[youaremysunshine]

Eau Claire. Mali is over 95% Islamic and Christian. Did you not know that?!?!?

 

I'm saying the worlds major religions value female purity because of male anxiety about investing resources into children that are not their own. I am sure this applies in Mali too.

 

Any way I think we can move past that and not let it ruin our relationships.

Edited February 3, 2014 by youaremysunshine

[Targetlock]

As a male virgin i find it quite emasculating personally and i really don't like being reminded of it got asked loudly once at a party 'are you a virgin?' which i found quite embarrassing.

but yeah both these 'labels' and ideas suck.

[lollipopspot]

I think a female virgin aged 30 and above is probably looked at as unfortunately as a male virgin of that age and above. Female virginity in the US is only prized if the female is fairly young and attractive - with the idea that she actually has the opportunity to turn down sex. If she is socially awkward or unattractive and doesn't/can't get married or find a guy, she gets all the crazy cat lady stereotypes and such.

[Emilia]

Eau Claire. Mali is over 95% Islamic and Christian. Did you not know that?!?!?

 

I'm saying the worlds major religions value female purity because of male anxiety about investing resources into children that are not their own. I am sure this applies in Mali too.

 

Any way I think we can move past that and not let it ruin our relationships.

Agree with you though treating women as resource is only partly to blame. Slut shaming is often done by other women, especially those that value their own social status by conservative means: ie by controlling sex. They tend to slut shame more sexually liberal women because those women remove the value of sex from the equation and therefore from the value system.

[Revolver]

Maybe my perception is skewed because I'm in college but this idea that guys are out here telling women NOT to have sex is a joke. It's actually the complete opposite, it's encouraged

 

Most of the shaming I see comes from other females. IMO It's like a Competition you don't want other women on campus giving out sex so freely because it lessons the incentive of the guys to want to be in relationships or "wait" for you

 

It's like a pizza shop. I don't want the shops in the neighborhood giving away free pizza because no one is gonna buy mine. Especially if they're comparable in quality

[somedude81]

I think the concept of slut shaming exists is that women are supposed to be more emotional and careful about sex than men are.

 

A woman who has a very small number of partners in her life shows that she thinks sex is special and only something to do with people you love inside of a relationship.

 

If a woman has a high number of partners, it says that sex is just a physical act to her, it holds no significance and may even suggest that she has poor self-control and possibly made a few bad choices.

 

If I had a choice of two 25 year old women, one has been with three guys and has only had sex in a relationship. Or one who's been with 12, I'd chose the woman with 3.

 

It basically comes down to that it's so easy for women to have sex, that a respectable woman chooses not to have it and is very selective on who she has it with.

 

There's also the STD aspect, the less partners a person has, the lower odds of them caching a bug.

[isisisweeping]

They're both ridiculous and stupid.

 

 

I've not had that many partners considering my age because I've spent most my life in serious relationships, but I guarantee you if I found out a guy thought I was in any way better for that he'd be out on his ass because he's an idiot and I want nothing to do with that sort of person.

Pure idiocy, that whole concept.

 

 

I wouldn't want anything to do with someone who thought someone was worse for lack of partners, either.

 

 

As for me, I wouldn't care if a guy had been with 0 or 100, as long as his STD tests are all clear and he has no judgmental attitudes about my gender, then it's really irrelevant to me either way.

 

 

I think everyone can get the heck over themselves if they care so much about what other people do.

[GoreSP]

If a woman has a high number of partners, it says that sex is just a physical act to her, it holds no significance and may even suggest that she has poor self-control and possibly made a few bad choices.

 

Hum. No.

[ltjg45]

I am a 27 year old male virgin. I am definitely aware of these stereotypes of both genders.

 

Because of that, I have no qualms telling anyone who asks that I am a virgin. If a woman wants to pass on me because I am a virgin them that works perfectly for me because I don't want a woman who buys into stereotypes to begin with.

[somedude81]

Hum. No.

So you think that if a woman is say 25 years old, and has been with 20 guys, that she loved every single one of those guys, has never engaged in casual sex and put thought into the guys she was sleeping with?

[samsungxoxo]

Yes, both are ridiculous stereotypes. Even I don't see what on earth is so bad with a male virgin? I'm nearly 27 and have only been with 1 man in life and would probably be considered practically a virgin either way. I like cowgirl position too. I wouldn't enjoy sex by just laying there, letting him do everything and not even helping out nor at least switching sides.

 

As for the slut-shaming, it's pathetic how these high-count men reinforce that. Using women for sex and insulting them afterward is insulting that very same person who provided you service (even if it was short-lived). I would also be very disgusted if a high-count man complimented a lot about how I'm very selective, have dignity and called those women with high-count loose. He would definitely get dumped right away because he doesn't care about me as a person but just love my number. Don't even want a high-count man to begin with. I'm low-count out of choice. It's because I'm that way, not because I want to follow stereotypes and would get fed up with getting overly praised for that instead of getting complimented on my other qualities.

[samsungxoxo]

I am a 27 year old male virgin. I am definitely aware of these stereotypes of both genders.

 

Because of that, I have no qualms telling anyone who asks that I am a virgin. If a woman wants to pass on me because I am a virgin them that works perfectly for me because I don't want a woman who buys into stereotypes to begin with.

Awesome.... I would take a male virgin anytime than hypocritical, self-entitled manwhore.

Even when low-count or virgin men post about having problems with their gf's past, they say it in such a different tone of voice than the high-count slut-shamers. For instance, I was reading about several posts here or elsewhere about low-count men having trouble with their gf's high count and no where did I read ''damaged goods'' referred by the poster, instead they were more annoyed that she didn't share the same sexual values and attitude as him and about being lied to. However, when I read posts made by the high-count men, they were too focused on the ''a bicycle ridden by the whole town'', ''she's damaged goods; can't turn a slut into housewife'' or ''toilet where everyone used'' part.

[GoreSP]

So you think that if a woman is say 25 years old, and has been with 20 guys, that she loved every single one of those guys, has never engaged in casual sex and put thought into the guys she was sleeping with?

 

Not at all.

 

You have every right to pick the one with only 3 partners - but to assume the other one slept with 20 partners because she lacks self-control and made mistakes is slut shaming in its simplest form.

 

Women have sex because it's fun and we enjoy it. Whether we do it as part of a serious long-term relationship or not is none of your business.

 

As for STDs, the responsible thing to do is to get tested after every partner - 3 or 20.

[somedude81]

Not at all.

 

You have every right to pick the one with only 3 partners - but to assume the other one slept with 20 partners because she lacks self-control and made mistakes is slut shaming in its simplest form.

 

Women have sex because it's fun and we enjoy it. Whether we do it as part of a serious long-term relationship or not is none of your business.

If that was the only case, then the average woman would have over 100 partners.

 

There is a reason why women don't sleep with a new guy every week.

 

As for STDs, the responsible thing to do is to get tested after every partner - 3 or 20.

Of course.

 

But the more partners one is with, the greater the odds of getting infected. That's common sense.