Love_me_not Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Ok, I know there's the "great debate" on marijuana. In our state, it is still not legalized. Therefore, I have a problem with it. My husband has smoked pot in the past, and kept it secret from me. I'd always have to find out by snooping around. Why did I snoop? Because he was spending money we didn't have on pot. And his "habit" was escalating. I don't like him dealing with the types of shady people that smoke/deal it, I don't like him keeping things from me. In fact, I previously left my husband over pot and alcohol abuse on his part. We were separated for 6 months before starting couples' therapy together and rebuilding trust and our relationship. He was 100% sober. However, I found pot in his car about a month ago and flipped out. I had asked him honestly before that if he was smoking pot again, and he even swore to God that he was not. So I felt lied to and betrayed. Last night, I had suspicions again, and he indeed is smoking pot again. We've addressed this issue relentlessly between the two of us, and in couples' therapy. He just keeps throwing my feelings to the wayside while he continues doing this. I don't want to divorce--I really, really don't. But I can't handle being lied to all of the time. It's incredibly hurtful. And yes, I realize there are some people out there who don't disagree with smoking pot. It is a problem to me. Thanks in advance!! Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 If you don't want a divorce and don't want to deal with his smoking, the only other option I see is leaving to show him you're serious. I mean, what else can you do? Do you have children? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 I have to echo mammasita... he won't stop, you won't leave.... ....So....? You could have separate accounts, of course. That way, whatever he spends is his to spend. And tell him that while he may wish to continue smoking, he can only do it five miles away from home. You can't stop him smoking, but you can compromise and insist he does it away from you, (the kids, if there are children), and not in the car.... Link to post Share on other sites
Eau Claire Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 If my partner had an extra billion dollars in the bank and he smoked anything, we'd be finished. Not a lifestyle I want any association with. If my partner lied and was sneaky about some behaviour like this...doubly so. Don't get involved with people with addictive personalities. You come second in their life. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 (It's a bit late to tell her that.....) Link to post Share on other sites
Revolver Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 I think it should be legal but there's something about smokin weed that is just juvenile to me lol Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 (edited) You don't want him smoking weed. He is aware that you don't want him smoking weed. He still smokes weed. This shows that he doesn't respect or agree with your point of view and instead of standing up for what he believes in or attempting a compromise, he is choosing to hide it from you. The dynamic of your marriage is becoming mother/child instead of a partnership. This is not good for your marriage and eventually will ruin your sexual attraction towards him/and his towards you. Men don't like to be controlled & bossed. Women lose attraction for men that are weak & who they do not respect. You also mentioned an alcohol problem, which indicates that he has poor coping skills and is likely using these substances to escape. It's also possible that he has anxiety and is self medicating. He needs to find healthier ways to cope with life. It is a long process and relapses should be expected & planned for. When I was young, my dad had issues with coke and alcohol. He would sneak & hide it, and I remember hearing my mom yelling at him, accusing, him, trying to catch him. In my young mind, I was angry at my mom for being mean to him, as I had a front row seat to this mother/child dynamic. These substances brought out the worst parts of him and my mom was ready to divorce him. He went to rehab but still had anxiety issues. He smoked weed to help with that. Him & my mom compromised- as long as there was no coke or booze, she would be OK with him smoking weed outside on the back porch. This compromise has been in effect for 30 years now and he has not gone back to alcohol or other drugs. She had to accept something that she didn't like, but it was much better than the coke or booze. She decided she wasn't willing to end her marriage over pot. It worked for them and his sneaking & lying behavior stopped, and she stopped trying to catch him. They are happy. If you are unwilling to put divorce on the table, then I don't see anything changing. I see resentment building & the mother/child dynamic continuing. He will feel controlled by your demands & react by hiding things. What would you do if he just came out & said "I'm not going to lie to you, I'm going to smoke weed. I don't want to divorce you, but I'm not interested in giving it up"? Would you divorce him then? Would you be open to compromising? Most people have less risk smoking at home because police aren't targeting home pot smokers & search warrants are needed to enter the home. Most people get caught when they are smoking out in public, at loud parties or they have it in their car. Many states no longer criminalize it (its not legal but handled like a speeding ticket), so it could just be a small fine. Don't treat him like a child by looking through his things or sniffing his clothes. I suggest simply telling him "I do not want to be with a drug user. I want our marriage to work, but I am losing respect for you. If you need help, it's your responsibility to get it. I want to be a loving wife to you, but your actions are making me feel like I am your mother & you are a rebellious child. This is not the kind of marriage I want for myself. If you want to keep smoking weed, please tell me instead of hiding it from me. I will accept that you smoke, but will have reconsider our marriage. I don't think I will be able to stay married to someone I don't respect." If he keeps doing it, the ball will be in your court. You will have to decide if this is something that you can tolerate, or if you no longer want to be married to him. Edited January 14, 2014 by Quiet Storm Link to post Share on other sites
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