Let's say your spouse of 10+ years doesn't want kids.

[Biscous]

I have a female friend in a similar situation. She's been with the same guy and only guy since she was 17. She is about 31 right now.

 

They are from out the country. They recently moved here last year and she is out of work due to some issues with validating her education.

 

Long story short her husband wants kids but she told him that she doesn't want to have kids any time soon. She wants to go to school and focus on her career, live a little. She said she's just 'found herself' yet she's been with him for 10+ years.

 

Honestly for me this would be a huge dealbreaker for me and I would have not married in the first place, just my opinion. I'd probably divorce. Your thoughts?

[Eggplant]

• Have they talked about kids in the past?
  
• Are you sure she wants any kids?
  
• How many do they want?
  
• Does she have some specific milestones that she wants to accomplish first? How long will they take?
  
• Once the children come, what roles will each partner play in child-rearing? (If the dad plays a bigger role, there is more room for her career)
  

[Biscous]

• Have they talked about kids in the past?
  
• Are you sure she wants any kids?
  
• How many do they want?
  
• Does she have some specific milestones that she wants to accomplish first? How long will they take?
  
• Once the children come, what roles will each partner play in child-rearing? (If the dad plays a bigger role, there is more room for her career)
  

 

As far as our conversations between my friend and I they have talked about kids, or at least alluded to it. Her saying that she wants her kids to have her husband's eyes.

 

But keep in mind that the relationship has been over a decade long and people do change.

 

The man feels as though he has everything he wants in life: a wonderful wife, a great job. The only thing he is missing and REALLY wants is a child.

 

She was telling me that he's heartbroken about the idea that she doesn't want kids now and the more she talks to me it seems that she's very content in not having kids at all.

 

I think if she has them too early she will resent her kids. I think in terms of milestones...well she wants to have her own career again but can't now because of nursing certification. She's working on that. The thing is they do more than fine it seems.

 

I love my friend but 10+ years and she's 'finding herself' now? I'd be disheartened and wouldn't want to continue with a spouse that didn't want children.

[RedRobin]

If he could convince her that he'd be the primary caretaker while she is completing her career goals it might work.

 

 

Or they could hire a nanny.

[theothersully]

I have a female friend in a similar situation. She's been with the same guy and only guy since she was 17. She is about 31 right now.

 

They are from out the country. They recently moved here last year and she is out of work due to some issues with validating her education.

 

Long story short her husband wants kids but she told him that she doesn't want to have kids any time soon. She wants to go to school and focus on her career, live a little. She said she's just 'found herself' yet she's been with him for 10+ years.

 

Honestly for me this would be a huge dealbreaker for me and I would have not married in the first place, just my opinion. I'd probably divorce. Your thoughts?

 

 

I think he should divorce her and you should get me her number!

 

Hot, hot, hot!!!

[Eggplant]

Well roles reversed (a husband saying he doesn't want kids, even when upon first marrying he did want them, to focus on his career for awhile) women would be told to "get over it" and that they must just be "baby hungry" but, women are supposed to be more self sacrificial than men though...

I beg to differ. If the roles were reversed, everybody would be telling the woman that he would never come around and that she should divorce ASAP. In fact, several threads in here have gone that way.

[ascendotum]

This is a big deal for the marriage. After 10 yrs together I would have thought they would have already well discussed this and had a timeline worked out for having a family. I get the impression she has changed. I don't know how legit her having to start her education and career again from scratch is. I am sure there are issues over having her qualifications validated from the other country, but they should have been aware of that when they immigrated and discussed the consequences.

 

Looking at my friends in marriages or defacto relationships if a woman had a career (as opposed to just a job) it was her generally that put off having children till later in life. Most of my male friends preferred to have children younger (these are guys in LTRs not the players/STR to STR guys) as they hated the thought of trying to play footy/sport with their kids in their 50s.

 

Changing your mind about whether to have children is huge deal imo and will be a deal breaker in many relationships and will really piss off a partner. Changing your mind about when to have children can still be a major deal, the extent depending on how far out plans have changed. The 'I need to live a little' comment after 10 yrs of foot loose no kids living comes off as BS and would piss off a lot of people in the guy's shoes. If I was the guy I would guess she is pushing back the date by at least 7 yrs. Its up to him if he can live with that. I wouldn't blame any person who walked over this issue.

[Silly_Girl]

Based on your post, which is obviously only a snapshot from one angle, I would even wonder whether she sees her future with him at all.

[Biscous]

Well roles reversed (a husband saying he doesn't want kids, even when upon first marrying he did want them, to focus on his career for awhile) women would be told to "get over it" and that they must just be "baby hungry" but, women are supposed to be more self sacrificial than men though...

 

 

I wouldn't be happy- but its up to the individual whether that's grounds for divorce or not. In general, whenever someone's needs aren't being met I understand why they leave.

 

I have a former corworker that is a female. She wants kids, the guy wants to delay it. She has mentioned it many times that she's considered leaving him for this reason. I don't think many women would be told to "get over it" honestly. It's big for many people.

 

If he could convince her that he'd be the primary caretaker while she is completing her career goals it might work.

 

 

Or they could hire a nanny.

 

See that's the thing. She says if she had children she would want to be 100% there for them. I understand that but I think planning here would be good.

 

This is a big deal for the marriage. After 10 yrs together I would have thought they would have already well discussed this and had a timeline worked out for having a family. I get the impression she has changed. I don't know how legit her having to start her education and career again from scratch is. I am sure there are issues over having her qualifications validated from the other country, but they should have been aware of that when they immigrated and discussed the consequences.

 

Looking at my friends in marriages or defacto relationships if a woman had a career (as opposed to just a job) it was her generally that put off having children till later in life. Most of my male friends preferred to have children younger (these are guys in LTRs not the players/STR to STR guys) as they hated the thought of trying to play footy/sport with their kids in their 50s.

 

Changing your mind about whether to have children is huge deal imo and will be a deal breaker in many relationships and will really piss off a partner. Changing your mind about when to have children can still be a major deal, the extent depending on how far out plans have changed. The 'I need to live a little' comment after 10 yrs of foot loose no kids living comes off as BS and would piss off a lot of people in the guy's shoes. If I was the guy I would guess she is pushing back the date by at least 7 yrs. Its up to him if he can live with that. I wouldn't blame any person who walked over this issue.

 

Yes she's changed. Funny when I mention it to guy friends they say she's been "westernized" lol. I think she didn't feel comfortable where she lived before and felt like she can live and have a social circle now being in America. It's funny because due to her husband's schedule it seems that much of her 'new life' doesn't involve her husband which makes me a question a few things about the relationship.

 

I'd be extremely upset too. I care for my friend, but she's sort of irritating me with what seems selfish to me considering the span of the relationship and things.

 

Based on your post, which is obviously only a snapshot from one angle, I would even wonder whether she sees her future with him at all.

 

I'm trying to accurately recall both sides as best as I can, but I'm actually only close friends with her. I've met her husband a few times, but I really see her more often.

 

She's told me her husband is heart broken and the more she talks to me she feels as though she's content with the possibility of not having children also.

 

I think he should divorce her and you should get me her number!

 

Hot, hot, hot!!!

 

Get in line

Edited December 30, 2013 by Biscous

[RedRobin]

Maybe she doesn't trust him to do his part AFTER the kids get there. I ran into the same issue with my now ex-H. When we got married, neither one of us wanted kids...

 

 

He changed his mind (decided he wanted them). We both felt strongly about a parent staying home with the kids until they went to school... so I said, ok, you stay home the first couple of years and I'll stay home the next couple of years. He said no, he wanted me to stay home the first couple of years...

 

 

Well, I called BS on that.

 

 

I have another friend who is like me and really enjoys her work and career. When she and her H got married, he agreed to stay home with the kids. Of course, it was a lot tougher than he planned (DUH!), and he started pressuring her and even enlisted his family to 'bully' her into staying home with them. She put her foot down, and they ended up getting a nanny. They both ended up making adjustments in their work schedule and they did get through that period... but it was tough.

 

 

I guess what I'm saying is that there are lots of possible options here for both of them to get their needs met... but I seriously don't blame her if she's concerned about getting the bait and switch after the kids arrive.

 

 

Lots of men, I'd say most... don't do anything close to half when it comes to childcare and domestic duties even when both work.

[gaius]

God I hope if I ever stay married for 10 years she doesn't want kids. I was reading Nylas christmas thread and thinking how different for her husband it would be if they had kids. Alarm bells at 3am to open presents instead of a romantic getaway with special lingerie outfits. At least a dozen parents must have hated her for that.

[RedRobin]

God I hope if I ever stay married for 10 years she doesn't want kids. I was reading Nylas christmas thread and thinking how different for her husband it would be if they had kids. Alarm bells at 3am to open presents instead of a romantic getaway with special lingerie outfits. At least a dozen parents must have hated her for that.

 

 

who says they can't have both? Raising kids never stopped MY parents from having an active and exciting sex life.

 

 

I remember one time... we thought my parents were going out for a walk to get ice cream... it started to get dark and we looked outside and saw the van bouncing.

 

 

We were in HS then, so of course we gave them cr*p when they came back in the house. "oh, ice cream huh?!"

 

 

People treat their kids more like pets than kids these days... Its obnoxious how so many parents feel the need to hover and manage every spare moment of a kid's life. Me and my sis were more like Tom Sawyer... dirty, barefoot, building forts, taking mass transit to the beach or riding our bikes the 10-20 miles.... but I digress.

 

 

Maybe the couple the OP is talking about could take a chill pill on their parenthood expectations... scale it back a bit and realize they don't have to be like other parents they see around them... maybe?

[Ninjainpajamas]

Sounds a bit like she's not really invested and committed to this relationship in the long-term and children would hinder her plans to be free and retain the option to exit the relationship....children a life-long commitment and will completely change the landscape, I'm not convinced that people who have been together at a young age and stayed together are completely content with that prospect and don't have eyes or ideas of what it may be like to be with someone else....however, by no means it doesn't mean they don't stay in the marriage.

 

I just think she wants more time to be independent, and it also depends on whether she wanted kids prior or not...I've seen plenty of women change their views on having children and getting married that prior to that relationship/man would completely opposed to it or rejected it...in order to keep a man, make him happy as they were suddenly more "open" to that idea...others however stand firm, but that's been few and far in between from my point of view, so if he didn't want children, then it just would just be simply settled....but don't be surprised if they divorced and then she ended up preggars with by the next guy in no time at all.

 

At any rate, so is life....they'll have to communicate and discuss this relationship and the possibility of children in the future...at some point one person may decide that having children are more important than just the relationship/marriage alone, and would choose from the many who do desire children...they've spent a lot of time together and only in that relationship, it would probably serve them good at this time since they are more self-aware and mature to be single again or pursue their own personal goals/endeavors...which sounds like something she might be open to, it just depends on the dynamic of the relationship and who is wearing the pants here....who loves who more.

 

To answer your question, yes they can both move on...the other question is however, what's it to you?

[Biscous]

To answer your question, yes they can both move on...the other question is however, what's it to you?

 

Nothing to me, except she has brought up the discussion quite often to me for one reason or another.

 

I'm not in that phase of life but I know I will have to cross that bridge eventually so it does help me gauge what to look for and what to avoid in the future.

[Silly_Girl]

Nothing to me, except she has brought up the discussion quite often to me for one reason or another.

 

I'm not in that phase of life but I know I will have to cross that bridge eventually so it does help me gauge what to look for and what to avoid in the future.

 

I don't see how you can learn from their situation, to be honest. Sounds like she wasn't necessarily aware that this would be the case, so there's unlikely to be red flags or clues that could be used in decision-making.

[Els]

Frankly, I don't think there's anything you can learn from this. IMO it's just what happens when two people get married when they are still too young to have a decent idea of what they need and want in life. 19 is very, very, very, very young in today's society.

 

They will either stay together if they can work out a compromise, or separate if unable to reconcile.

[MissBee]

I have a female friend in a similar situation. She's been with the same guy and only guy since she was 17. She is about 31 right now.

 

They are from out the country. They recently moved here last year and she is out of work due to some issues with validating her education.

 

Long story short her husband wants kids but she told him that she doesn't want to have kids any time soon. She wants to go to school and focus on her career, live a little. She said she's just 'found herself' yet she's been with him for 10+ years.

 

Honestly for me this would be a huge dealbreaker for me and I would have not married in the first place, just my opinion. I'd probably divorce. Your thoughts?

 

I think sometimes issues come up in marriages where people marry young or where they have been together from a very young age and never really explored, as there is still a lot of growing to do and people's wants and desires change during that period of growth but they may feel obligated to be the same person they were at 17 because they have had all this time together. Or sometimes the changes seem scarier because they have been together since they were teens.

 

I probably won't be married until I'm early 30s or late twenties but by then I think I will be at a point in my life where my fun has been had, I am more settled and I also kind of know where I am and what I'm doing career and life-wise, so the children discussion would be one I'm more sure about. In any case, children would be discussed and our plans in that regard before I marry anyone. I guess if you got married early maybe you just didn't think about it and felt it would come along naturally at some point. Whereas if you're older it might be more of a priority that you discuss and figure out while thinking about being serious. At 18 while dating, whether or not a man wanted children wasn't on my radar. I wanted kids someday in the abstract but it was some far away day and honestly didn't come up as a huge topic. Now though, I'm more consciously aware of getting older and wanting a family and it's more of a "real" or closer reality than when I was 18 so it is something I actually find out about when considering a man seriously for a committed relationship.

 

I can't see this being a huge problem for me, as I think that by the time I'm married I will be wanting to have children within the next few years and it would have been something we both knew/wanted going in. But if for some odd reason I married a man who all of a sudden didn't want kids or wanted to wait 10 years and I'm already 31, well we would need some serious counseling/compromise or things would need to end.

Edited December 31, 2013 by MissBee

[whichwayisup]

As far as our conversations between my friend and I they have talked about kids, or at least alluded to it. Her saying that she wants her kids to have her husband's eyes.

 

But keep in mind that the relationship has been over a decade long and people do change.

 

The man feels as though he has everything he wants in life: a wonderful wife, a great job. The only thing he is missing and REALLY wants is a child.

 

She was telling me that he's heartbroken about the idea that she doesn't want kids now and the more she talks to me it seems that she's very content in not having kids at all.

 

I think if she has them too early she will resent her kids. I think in terms of milestones...well she wants to have her own career again but can't now because of nursing certification. She's working on that. The thing is they do more than fine it seems.

 

I love my friend but 10+ years and she's 'finding herself' now? I'd be disheartened and wouldn't want to continue with a spouse that didn't want children.

 

Too early? She's 31. I get that she's found herself in the past 10 years, but most people by the age of 30 are either getting married or have been married for a bit and that's the age most begin their families and have kids. I guess with her wanting to be nurse, that also will take up a lot of time, schooling and such. Anyway, I hope your friend figures it out..

 

If she doesn't want children ever, then she has to be honest with him and let him go since he wants them.

[FitChick]

She was probably planning to divorce but wants to take advantage of being in another country, something she couldn't do if single.

 

Kids or no kids is something you cannot compromise on. Yet people do change their minds over time. My college friend thought I was odd for not wanting kids, yet she wound up getting her tubes tied in her twenties, after working as a nursery school teacher. She found out what kids were really like!

[Eau Claire]

I'm always Leary of third part threads. 'A friend says.....'

 

Ok to make a comment but not on the individuals involved. We know zip about what motivates them.

 

Bottom line. Children are the most important issue any of us ever face. Both partners need to be on the same page. As others have stated it is something to be discussed from day one when marriage is first brought up. If one partner changes their mind...so be it. Both must want children and not just feel obligated to. If a partner is not ok with the veto power, then end the relationship. Not a lot of wiggle room.

[Eggplant]

If he could convince her that he'd be the primary caretaker while she is completing her career goals it might work.

 

 

Or they could hire a nanny.

See that's the thing. She says if she had children she would want to be 100% there for them. I understand that but I think planning here would be good.

 

She wants everything to be perfect, but it's probably not feasible. If both parents want a career, compromises have to be made. It's possible that between the two parents, they can be there 100% as a team.