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Have you ever changed yourself for someone?


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CrystalCastles

I don't think I've ever changed myself for someone. I know your tastes can be influenced or inspired by other people, but changing yourself to gain acceptance, for example is bad. At least that's how I'm interpreting your question.

 

It means the person you're with would otherwise not accept you for who you are, so you change yourself to please them, IMO.

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After being in a relationship for so long. After the breakup I did end up learning a lot about myself and I have changed. I'm not a completely different person, but I will definitely be a little bit different when I have another serious relationship. Maybe I don't see it as change but more as of improvement.

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Yup, sure enough did. Met an amazing woman and after our first date and her impressions of me, I changed to fit her perceptions of me that she thought she'd find more attractive. Although those perceptions were not part of my natural personality, I pretended to be someone I was not so that she'd find me more acceptable. Nothing major, but enough that it bothered me on some level. In the end, it was my undoing. It turns out that the change I made were based on what I "thought" she wanted and not really what she wanted. :)

 

We ended up breaking up and I regretted that facade I created for her. It turns out that she likes the real me! Oh, we're back together again and in a serious relationship.

 

Lessons learned:

1. Don't change who you are for someone else, change for yourself and for genuine self-improvement that will carry forward in every aspect of your life.

2. Don't hide the real you (if it's worth revealing). A lot of people want to get to know YOU and not a facsimile of you.

3. Change is inevitable and it can be positive. There's nothing wrong with change, but it's up to each of us to gauge and direct what kind of change it is.

4. There are a lot of people who ask whether people can change. The answer is yes, of course, but there are core values and behaviors that are often permanent. Consistent patterns of behavior in many people reveal who they are and will always be. Unfortunately, some people stay in relationships thinking that the gf/bf will change for the better, but sadly, it just won't happen. (don't know, had to add this for some reason)

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yes, I did. the guy was middle eastern so he wanted a woman more agreeable, a follower, etc. so I really really really hid myself from him - in terms of my own aggressiveness - I tried to come across as very sweet and likeable when my personality is quite far from that. but, over the 2.5 years my 'real' personality started to show more and more and it eventually led us to break up - his complaints were that I was too much of a fighter, too stubborn, etc. you really can only do this for a short while imo before your true self starts to emerge, and in my case I would resent him a lot, because I felt like I couldn't truly be myself in his company for fear of losing him. it was horrible for me because I felt like the 'changes' weren't authentic and they went against my core personality and values. so, never again.

Edited by newmoon
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Yes, but only physically. I dropped 100 lbs. and quit smoking for a guy. This was before we got together and we "got together" prior to all my weight coming off. I fell in love with him but I was just a close friend who he hooked up with several times. We definitely had major chemistry and if I hadn't have been the other woman, he said we'd have been together and I think that's probably true.

 

Funnily enough, he married her and she's heavier than I am. Like previously mentioned, a perception of what someone wants might be incorrect. However, I'm still to this day thankful that my love for him motivated me to make these changes, I'm a healthier person because of it!

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yes, I did. the guy was middle eastern so he wanted a woman more agreeable, a follower, etc. so I really really really hid myself from him - in terms of my own aggressiveness - I tried to come across as very sweet and likeable when my personality is quite far from that. but, over the 2.5 years my 'real' personality started to show more and more and it eventually led us to break up - his complaints were that I was too much of a fighter, too stubborn, etc. you really can only do this for a short while imo before your true self starts to emerge, and in my case I would resent him a lot, because I felt like I couldn't truly be myself in his company for fear of losing him. it was horrible for me because I felt like the 'changes' weren't authentic and they went against my core personality and values. so, never again.

 

Lol! I don't know if your story is inspiring or eye-raisingly curious. So, you have an abrasive personality and are okay with that even if it prevents you from having a positive relationship?

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Lol! I don't know if your story is inspiring or eye-raisingly curious. So, you have an abrasive personality and are okay with that even if it prevents you from having a positive relationship?

 

 

 

well, i can't change it, so the best I can do is look for someone who can handle it. it does present problems, for sure, but I guess that is why you keep dating - to find someone who can handle and/or tolerate your personality on a regular basis and still love you for it

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well, i can't change it, so the best I can do is look for someone who can handle it. it does present problems, for sure, but I guess that is why you keep dating - to find someone who can handle and/or tolerate your personality on a regular basis and still love you for it

 

I'm teasing you. :) I know about having to tolerate or "handle" (:)) someone's personality or temperament. My gf is a little in your face and too honest. :lmao: But she is working on it. :) I love everything about her and that includes her spicey side. :)

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Yes, was one of the worst things I have ever done!

 

When we first met I was myself, after a couple of times seeing her I changed a bit. After our first date I started to change more and by the time we were official, I had changed a lot.

 

I just tried too hard for her to like me, forgetting she liked me when I was being myself in the beginning. Her family are very fussy so I just wanted to please them all, which is very unlike me.

 

I notice now how unhappy I was, it's tough on your mind when your not being yourself.

 

What's the point? The whole point is for them to like you for who you are, not who your're pretending to be.

 

Now I have gone back to myself and feel great again. I must seem like a different person to my ex.

 

Never doing that again!

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I have been asked to change by one man I dated who was in his early forties - but I didn't.

 

The things he wanted me to be different about were my reactions and actions as I wasn't behaving correctly according to him.

 

Just a couple of examples -

I said from the beginning that I am not a fan of receiving flowers, not that I don't like flowers but I like them in their natural setting when they are living.

He sent me three huge bouquets of flowers all within a few weeks and he expected me to change my reaction toward them.

I did say thank you but each time I asked him not to send flowers again and that they really weren't something that I liked.

He said that I should love them as previous girlfriend's of his had.

 

I was with him and his family for Christmas last year and he got very sulky with me one night and needed to talk.

He said that he was upset that I would leave the living room without telling him where I was going.

I was a bit confused and didn't know what he meant so asked him when I had just gone off somewhere and not returned.

He said that I had never not returned but had got up and left the room on many occasions without saying why and that I should have told him where I was going.

I then realised that he meant the times I went to use the toilet or go for some more food from the buffet (which was laid out in another room).

I didn't see it as necessary to explain to him nor to the 6 members of his family where I was going and I told him so.

He and they left as and when they wanted to.

 

These are only a couple of silly things both of which had me pretty baffled and still do make me shake my head! It took a while to get out of the relationship but I did eventually.

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I have been asked to change by one man I dated who was in his early forties - but I didn't.

 

The things he wanted me to be different about were my reactions and actions as I wasn't behaving correctly according to him.

 

Just a couple of examples -

I said from the beginning that I am not a fan of receiving flowers, not that I don't like flowers but I like them in their natural setting when they are living.

He sent me three huge bouquets of flowers all within a few weeks and he expected me to change my reaction toward them.

I did say thank you but each time I asked him not to send flowers again and that they really weren't something that I liked.

He said that I should love them as previous girlfriend's of his had.

 

I was with him and his family for Christmas last year and he got very sulky with me one night and needed to talk.

He said that he was upset that I would leave the living room without telling him where I was going.

I was a bit confused and didn't know what he meant so asked him when I had just gone off somewhere and not returned.

He said that I had never not returned but had got up and left the room on many occasions without saying why and that I should have told him where I was going.

I then realised that he meant the times I went to use the toilet or go for some more food from the buffet (which was laid out in another room).

I didn't see it as necessary to explain to him nor to the 6 members of his family where I was going and I told him so.

He and they left as and when they wanted to.

 

These are only a couple of silly things both of which had me pretty baffled and still do make me shake my head! It took a while to get out of the relationship but I did eventually.

 

Good for you to get out. Controlling man. Ugh.

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regine_phalange

No.. Not even my hair. You see who I am... If you can't land the woman of your dreams and end up settling with something less (me), it's not my fault.

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Yes, but not intentionally. When I have feelings for someone, I just automatically change myself a little in the hope that they'll like me more. It's usually futile and I'm making more of a conscious effort to be myself.

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Yes, if I think it makes me look more attractive or to improve my personality, which is quite strong. Nothing wrong with self-improvement. There are different ways to say the same thing -- blunt or more diplomatically. I've learned from my more agreeable, diplomatic boyfriends, which is a good thing.

 

Most people who are not self-aware often say, "This is who I am. Take it or leave it." They usually get left. Relationships are about compromise and tolerance, as difficult as that may be. We all have to learn that lesson anew when we are in a new relationship.

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beyondcrushed
Yes, if I think it makes me look more attractive or to improve my personality, which is quite strong. Nothing wrong with self-improvement. There are different ways to say the same thing -- blunt or more diplomatically. I've learned from my more agreeable, diplomatic boyfriends, which is a good thing.

 

Most people who are not self-aware often say, "This is who I am. Take it or leave it." They usually get left. Relationships are about compromise and tolerance, as difficult as that may be. We all have to learn that lesson anew when we are in a new relationship.

 

I agree about compromise and tolerance, but to what extent? When would you ever compromise or tolerate to the point of where you had to change who you are or your own preferences?

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When would you ever compromise or tolerate to the point of where you had to change who you are or your own preferences?

You are the only one who could judge what that point might be.

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If you are in a long-term relationship with someone and grow with them, there are changes happening all the time and may not happen in your conscious awareness. You project certain things to the other, and they project certain things to you. You learn things from them, they learn from you, and, you may even pick up certain quirks or start to speak more like each other, and start to notice things you both like that you did not know you liked before as it becomes more and more part of your daily life. It is subtle changes, but changes nonetheless.

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I agree with Fitchick.

 

Humans are social beings. Part of having healthy social skills is being able to adapt and grow in new situations...work, friends, relationships.

 

I'm happy to take up a new hobby, eat differently, meet a different set of social friends.

 

I'm quite conscious of leading a healthy lifestyle thanks to trying and fit into the life of a past partner. I changed for the better.

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My first marriage I pretty much cut my balls off and handed them to her in order please her. Never again will that happen.

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And if you did, was it before or after you got into the relationship?

 

In the past I would downplay or oversell certain aspects of myself to fit with the desires of the man I was seeing... WASTE OF TIME! Foolish thing to do!

 

I did it almost without realizing, but as I heard him talk about stuff he liked or disliked I would conform to it, even if it wasn't really me.

 

Now, I wouldn't ever do that. You can't pretend forever and you will be miserable and uncomfortable trying to change. It may sound cliche but it is 100% true that if someone doesn't like you as you are or if you have to pretend to get someone to like you, you're better off not being with them as the whole thing will be a charade.

 

The best relationships are where you are super comfortable and secure because you know without a doubt this person is into you warts and all and you're not constantly gauging things and tweaking and changing to suit them.

 

Compromise and changing yourself are also not the same things. All relationships take compromise...which is on BOTH people's part.Changing yourself is usually done on one person's part and usually not sustainable as changing yourself is usually with reference to not really being compatible with someone but pretending you are by superficially changing some things. Like the example the poster gave about pretending to be obsessed with health when she actually was not to be with some man who was. That isn't compromise. That is not being compatible with someone and ONE person then pretending to be a particular way to appease this other person...and it eventually comes crumbling down.

Edited by MissBee
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beyondcrushed
My first marriage I pretty much cut my balls off and handed them to her in order please her. Never again will that happen.

 

I have heard this from so many separated men. I think when you are young and in love for the first time, you are doing what you think is right -- pleasing her. But in the long run you sacrifice yourself to a degree and learn the hard way, not to do that anymore.

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HokeyReligions

When I had been dating my husband a few month he made a comment when we were talking. All he said was "I wish you didn't smoke" in a casual way. We then went on talking of other things. I didn't say anything to him and he didn't notice for a few days, but I never picked up a cigarette after that comment. I just sat them down and that was it. I quit for over 8 years. I did start again during some very heartbreaking times and I've smoked a little on and off since, but not like I used to. Does that count as changing myself for someone? Im not smoking now.

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Yes, if I think it makes me look more attractive or to improve my personality, which is quite strong. Nothing wrong with self-improvement. There are different ways to say the same thing -- blunt or more diplomatically. I've learned from my more agreeable, diplomatic boyfriends, which is a good thing.

 

Most people who are not self-aware often say, "This is who I am. Take it or leave it." They usually get left. Relationships are about compromise and tolerance, as difficult as that may be. We all have to learn that lesson anew when we are in a new relationship.

 

 

 

this makes a lot of sense, but I still don't like the idea of it. if someone, for example, is very blunt and forthright in their speech, then being diplomatic and agreeable in speech (even a portion of the time) is going to be very difficult and constantly require forethought. the thing is, this is a behavior that someone will likely have from a very early childhood age, so changing it is far more difficult than changing a behavior that is learned later in life (ie smoking, cussing, unhealthy eating, etc.). learned behaviors, imo, would be far easier to change for a partner than the ones we have had forever, those are personality traits that just don't go away so easily.

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