Revenge [regarding infidelity]...is it morally wrong?

[BeholdtheMan]

I would like to pose a simple question. Please share your views.

 

Is revenge morally wrong? What makes "turn the other cheek" morally superior to "an eye for an eye"?

 

Since this is the infidelity forum, "revenge" in the context of marital infidelity would refer mainly to revenge affairs. Of course, the fundamental question of whether revenge is wrong, right, or neither goes beyond the context of marriage and relationship.

 

It is a broad question but I feel it has great bearing on infidelity

[Fredflintstone]

I've though about it , I believe that since I have moved out I have more opportunities and could probably have a revenge affair myself. The thing is I didn't like it and feel she was completely wrong to do it so for me to have one would make me no better than she, it would turn me into someone I would rather not be. God knows, we've already said and done things during our reconciliation that cannot be undone. For me to do that might balance out the karma but the cost to me as a person is too great. I would rather divorce and show my wife how it should've been done than just keep doing things like that, who knows what would happen. Be the bigger and best person, if your relationship ends they will always know that they lost something rather than remembering how horrible there vengeful spouse was.

[Eggplant]

I don't know the answer.

 

However, in getting revenge, you trade in the moral high ground, which I wouldn't take lightly.

[HtotheN]

I have not posted on here for awhile but thought that I would chime in on this one because I did actually have a revenge affair. (In fact, I have been quite busy with that as of late but I did end it a few weeks ago.)

 

Actually though, it wasn't really a revenge affair; it was for me and me alone - I was not thinking about WH at all. (And it was AWESOME!) I do not plan on ever doing that again and had never before but it felt like something that I needed to do.

 

I guess you could say that "Stella" got her groove back. Moving on, and looking forward to 2014!

[HtotheN]

I would just like to add a few things as I just realized that I did not answer the question that the OP posed. Of course I believe that it is wrong and I agree with the other two who have replied thus far regarding moral high ground, etc. I have always believed keeping promises and I always have but...something in me snapped and I needed to dull the pain for awhile, feel better about myself (and I understand how ironic that may sound ie: having an affair in order to feel better about myself) but I know myself, and I did what I needed to do at the time, picked IMO the perfect affair partner, parted on great terms, and covered my tracks completely. WH thinks that I would never do such a thing so he has no clue, and since I have learned how to be a detective because of WH's affairs, I knew what to do, how to do it, etc. I am not being smug; just saying that I was incredibly careful.

 

So yes, it is wrong and that is what I have always believed. Until I changed my mind and went for it just this once. I look forward to being divorced, and able to date again.

[Zenstudent]

You ask the question as if you mean religious morality? Could you clarify please?

 

One could argue that if by moral you mean what we as society agree on is the right thing to do, the moral is slowly sliding in favour of cheating as the right thing to do - I mean, it seams that more and more relationships are affected by infidelity. And if cheating is the right thing to do, it wouldn't be revenge to cheat back, it would just be "Oh, now I get it - I must do the moral right thing"

 

Personally; I believe cheating is wrong, the damages on spouse and family are huge and beyond imagination in a LTRif you haven't experienced it. I still believe that I wouldn't cheat back as revenge, but I'm not as firm in my belief as I once was. My wife's affair has in a way devalued our relationship to be something of less worth, something we don't need to protect, we don't need to consider each others feelings the same way, so why not just go and fk someone else? External validation feels good, I understand.

 

I think it's ethics that hold me back. I know it hurts other people, so the net pleasure from cheating is negative. It would make me a person I don't wanna be, so at this moment, thanks, but no thanks.

[Woggle]

While I generally do believe in being the bigger person sometimes it is the only language some people understand.

[waterwoman]

....I needed to dull the pain for awhile, feel better about myself (and I understand how ironic that may sound ie: having an affair in order to feel better about myself) but I know myself, and I did what I needed to do at the time...

 

That would be my reasoning too. Nothing to do with hurting H or getting my own back on anyone, just as a salve to the wound in my self-esteem. I don't think anyone realises until it happens to them just how it damages your own image of yourself to be cheated on.

[dichotomy]

Morally wrong of course.

 

If we are simply talking revenge - you did it so I will too -or hey I want some strange too .... it seems very petty.

 

Validation and esteem reasons seem weak.

 

but when it gets more complicated there are deeper needs unmet all around in the marriage.

 

back to the moral thing - some times I think it comes down to who loves you - you parents, your kids, ....your God....and how you would stand before them openly in your actions. Acting out of revenge is not something I would want to explain to my loved ones.

 

Turning the other cheek ? there is a line between allowing ones self to be used, or taken advance of, and simply being the stronger one.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I am answering this from, I believe, my husband's perspective. He had an affair after mine. I don't know if it was actually a revenge affair - when I asked him he wasn't certain - he said maybe. But I do know he was a broken man and part of it was wanting to feel loved, desired, and wanted. I was so busy working on myself during those early months that I just didn't have it in me to focus on his needs.

 

I think he would tell you now he wished he hadn't done it - for his own self respect - and then you add on the fact that her BS doesn't know and our son doesn't know and his parents don't know - to me it's a time bomb waiting to explode one day - and I know he doesn't like living with that fear.

 

Anyway - justified or not - he would most likely tell you it's not worth it.

[tiredofitall2]

I would like to pose a simple question. Please share your views.

 

Is revenge morally wrong? What makes "turn the other cheek" morally superior to "an eye for an eye"?

 

Since this is the infidelity forum, "revenge" in the context of marital infidelity would refer mainly to revenge affairs. Of course, the fundamental question of whether revenge is wrong, right, or neither goes beyond the context of marriage and relationship.

 

It is a broad question but I feel it has great bearing on infidelity

 

I believe the person who engages in a revenge A is definitely corrupted morally and has a less desirable personality than the original cheater. Revenge A are as morally wrong as any A. So the act of the A vs. the revenge A is not what determines the morality here.

 

A normal A might be driven by loneliness, love, lust, stupidity, whatever. A revenge affair is driven by hate and the desire to hurt someone.

 

If the marriage had a chance to survive an A with a revenge A the chances are dramatically reduced. So if someone engages in a revenge A, just know your marriage will probably not survive the mess.

[Ap22]

I believe the person who engages in a revenge A is definitely corrupted morally and has a less desirable personality than the original cheater. Revenge A are as morally wrong as any A. So the act of the A vs. the revenge A is not what determines the morality here.

 

A normal A might be driven by loneliness, love, lust, stupidity, whatever. A revenge affair is driven by hate and the desire to hurt someone.

 

If the marriage had a chance to survive an A with a revenge A the chances are dramatically reduced. So if someone engages in a revenge A, just know your marriage will probably not survive the mess.

 

While I dont blame someone for having a revenge A, I dont see the point in it. Just divorce the WS. Even though my wife had the affair, I could never do the same thing. One day my young daughter will find out that her mother betrayed us all. She will see her father as a pillar of strength and a father who loved them above all else. Everything I do, I do through the eyes of my daughter.

 

As far as revenge on the OM/OW. Well to each his own. I could easily destroy the OM in more ways than one. It would take years for him to recover. Hes not worth the effort because he is nothing but a complete loser. There is nothing redeeming about this spineless weasel (no offense to weasels).

 

I dont blame anyone for taking revenge. You didnt ask for this, you got no pleasure out of this, but you sure as hell are taking the brunt of the pain. Screw morals, you do what you need to do. Do not hesitate, show no mercy if you want revenge.

[Zenstudent]

I believe the person who engages in a revenge A is definitely corrupted morally and has a less desirable personality than the original cheater. Revenge A are as morally wrong as any A. So the act of the A vs. the revenge A is not what determines the morality here.

 

A normal A might be driven by loneliness, love, lust, stupidity, whatever. A revenge affair is driven by hate and the desire to hurt someone.

 

If the marriage had a chance to survive an A with a revenge A the chances are dramatically reduced. So if someone engages in a revenge A, just know your marriage will probably not survive the mess.

I'm a bit puzzled about this - do you mean that the morality in "I want my thing, and I don't care if I hurt everyone around me" is morally superiour to "I want to hurt you back because what you did really, really hurt me"?

 

Why is that you believe that, what you call hate in this context, is morally worse that indifference and disrespect?

 

One could also argue that the RA is rooted in/proof of strong feelings towards the one that hurt you, the original A is definitely on the contrary.

[BOREDouttaMymind]

revenge is great until the act is done.

 

obviously the person seeking revenge is only doing so because their partner was unfaithful.

 

if a person acts out of revenge, typically they feel regret and guilt seconds after the act is committed..

 

..which means they went against their morals.

[Beezer16]

Having a RA goes through my head constantly. My side job is on the weekends as part of an entertainment company for all sorts of parties, mostly weddings, access to a "lay-up" is at my fingertips. That said, I NEVER once pursued a fling prior to, or after D-Day. There are times I think, "eye for an eye", "karma is a bitch" but I can not break the promise I made on my wedding day, even if she did! So yes, it comes down to morals, what kind of man goes against their word, I just couldn't do it.

[Clay]

Revenge in my mind can mean many thing. Does it have to be an affair. I could not do it. It was not in me to go cheat. If you do feel you need to do this maybe there is some part of yourself you need to reexamine. I don't really have to much respect for a person if they do the same thing wrong that was done with them. Sure each person has to deal with there own stuff. But if your going to go do that then why even complain it was done to you. How are you any different from the person that cheated on you.

 

Revenge for me was getting a divorce and walking away. Getting my life back in action. Moving on with my life. She failed.

 

Clay

[michelangelo]

 

A normal A might be driven by loneliness, love, lust, stupidity, whatever. A revenge affair is driven by hate and the desire to hurt someone.

 

 

Not sure what a "normal" affair is. But i am postive that all affairs have an element of hate and desire to hurt someone.

[tiredofitall2]

I dont blame anyone for taking revenge. You didnt ask for this, you got no pleasure out of this, but you sure as hell are taking the brunt of the pain. Screw morals, you do what you need to do. Do not hesitate, show no mercy if you want revenge.

 

I like what you said about your DD. I have a daughter too and for sure they are the ones who suffer the most. I must also say that people in a revenge A come out typically feeling worse about the whole thing and themselves unless it is an exit A and a way out. If they checked out of their marriage and are divorcing I see it more as a rebound. But for people wanting to work on their marriage it will typically complicate things.

 

I also think life think life and in my own beliefs (G-d) will take care of them. Once engaging in a revenge A you will then probably even things out, but not in a way that will be good for you.

[Fluttershy]

Not sure what a "normal" affair is. But i am postive that all affairs have an element of hate and desire to hurt someone.

 

Aabsolutely not true at all. But wether an act out of hurt and pain is worse than an act of selfish greed, lonliness, ect, well that is up to the individual to decide.

Edited December 6, 2013 by Fluttershy

[tiredofitall2]

Not sure what a "normal" affair is. But i am postive that all affairs have an element of hate and desire to hurt someone.

 

 

Normal, in the context of of this discussion. Revenge vs a regular affair. I don't know that cheater are out to hurt their spouse. I think it is a selfish act, but not necessarily with an intention to hurt. Many people come out of the fog once caught and they realize the pain they have caused the BS. So in that regard I don't think so. Not to say that there aren't instances where hate might be a motivator. A good example could be an abused W getting back at her H by engaging in an A.

[michelangelo]

u

 

A normal A might be driven by loneliness, love, lust, stupidity, whatever. A revenge affair is driven by hate and the desire to hurt someone.

 

 

 

Not sure what a "normal" affair is. But i am postive that all affairs have an element of hate and desire to hurt someone.

 

Aabsolutely not true at all. But wether an act out of hurt and pain is worse than an act of selfish greed, lonliness, ect, well that is up to the individual to decide.

 

If one is cheating, that is in direct violation of vows of faithfulness and as far from an expression of love for one's spouse as possible (baring violence).

 

If that isn't an expression of hate, I do not know what hate is. A cheater has to know their behavior will hurt their spouse, otherwise it wouldn't be conducted in secret.

[William]

As the topic was focused on the morality of revenge and not any particular person being in an affair or suspecting their partner/spouse of an affair, moderation moved this to GRD and please continue the discussion there. Thanks! Thread title edited to reflect infidelity subtext.

[underwater2010]

Aabsolutely not true at all. But wether an act out of hurt and pain is worse than an act of selfish greed, lonliness, ect, well that is up to the individual to decide.

A revenge affair is morally wrong.

 

 

Moving on and finding a happier life with/without someone better than them is revenge that is morally correct.

 

 

What is seldom realized is that there are many forms of revenge when you find out you have been cheated on....some moral some not.

 

 

I always suggest the higher ground.

[Fluttershy]

The rules that apply to a wayward spouse apply to the betrayed spouse. If the wayward should have handles the problems in a better way so should the betrayed spouse. If the wayward spouse should have left the marrige instead of cheating then so should the betrayed spouse. Someone else's wrong actions don't make our own wrong actions right. If you are "seperated" and your spouse knows you're on the way out then it is a very grey area. But if you are working on reconciliation it is just going to make things take longer. And if you are biding your time until you leave, you just joined class woth yoir wayward spouse and may even have used the same jusifications to feel better about it!

If you believe cheating is always wrong... Then cheating is always wrong.

[Kate9292]

I don't like the "revenge" part of RA.

 

If someone has a RA only to get back at cheating partner, that's wrong and using third party in the process.

 

If someone cheated on has affair of their own, but not to get back at their partner, just to explore other options now that boundaries have been relaxed, that's actually quite understandable for me. And if all parties agree to it, I see no wrong in it.