learning to be generous?

[d0nnivain]

I love my DH but he is kind of stingy. When I first met him, he was a lousy tipper / cheap, rarely leaving even 15%. Having worked in hospitality, I'd either offer to pay, at least pay the tip or sneak more money in when he wasn't looking. He has since improved & now routinely leaves 20%. Part of it, I think is that he finally learned at least in places that we frequent that his rep as a now good tipper gets him better service & he likes that.

 

 

On occasion when DH would interact with my late father, afterwards dad would complain about DH's cheapness. My dad was a depression era guy so you can imagine how glaring the penny pinching must have been.

 

 

His gift giving has gotten better too. When we met he didn't even send Christmas presents to his family. Our first Christmas as a married couple when I shared my Christmas budget with him, his jaw dropped. He is on board with it now & actually enjoys the fact that his family appreciates what we do for them.

 

 

But he's still not giving of himself & that bugs me. Every year, this organization we both belong to adopts families for Christmas. This morning, I asked him if he wanted to adopt 1 or 2 families (we have some extra room in the budget). He initially said 2. I was so happy; maybe he was coming around & learning to be more generous. Then I explained to him what he had to do & the deadline, but softened it by saying that if he told me what he wanted to get & gave me a budget, I'd do the shopping & the wrapping. He said, to just do one family because it was "too much trouble." WTF? He wasn't going to have to do hardly anything.

 

 

Then we started talking about an upcoming holiday dinner for homeless &/or wounded Vets. I told him I was taking off work 1 hour early to go be a waitress at the event. I asked him if he could go to work an hour earlier that day so he could get out an hour earlier & stop by to interact with the Vets. He is a Vet & he usually cares about vet charities. He gave me every excuse in the book but mostly he just didn't want to do it.

 

 

I consider myself a generous person. I have always been involved in philanthropic projects & it bugs me that he doesn't want to do anything.

 

 

I know some of it is our backgrounds. My family was always better off financially. Members of DH's family continue to make bad choices. Until we married, DH never had the disposable income to be charitable while I was raised with a sense of obligation -- because we had been given more, more was expected of us.

 

 

I don't want to fight with him about it. To some extent leading by example seems to be working but painfully slowly.

 

 

My Q to all of you, is it possible for me to instill a sense of generosity in him?

[salparadise]

WTF is DH? I can't tell you how irritating it is when people spontaneously make up acronyms and use them as if it's common language. It's the online equivalent baggy pants worn so low that everyone sees your crack.

 

Give him $50k and tell him to spread it around. People who've never struggled with money often can't understand what it's like. Try to empathize and accept that your orientations are different.

Edited November 9, 2013 by salparadise

[Els]

WTF is DH? I can't tell you how irritating it is when people spontaneously make up acronyms and use them as if it's common language. It's the online equivalent baggy pants worn so low that everyone sees your crack.

 

DH is used almost as commonly on LS as GIGS, OM/OW, LDR, and BS, so I don't really get your complaint. At least be fair when you attack someone.

 

IMO, If you don't know what it stands for, you have three options:

1) Ask nicely

2) Google

3) Ignore the post

 

OP: I don't think you can change someone's innate mindset/perception, to be honest. You can only compromise (or choose not to marry them, but that ship has sailed). Perhaps you could work out a compromise in which he supports you when you attend charity events, and you support him in something else that he likes to do.

Edited November 9, 2013 by Elswyth

[d0nnivain]

WTF is DH? I can't tell you how irritating it is when people spontaneously make up acronyms and use them as if it's common language.

 

 

DH stands for Dear Husband. It's an acronym that is defined on this website's FAQ:

LoveShack.org Community Forums - FAQ: Reading, posting, editing, and deleting messages So please get off your holier than thou high horse & don't attack me when you are the one who is WRONG. I didn't make up anything.

 

 

Elswyth -- thanks for sticking up for me.

[salparadise]

DH stands for Dear Husband. It's an acronym that is defined on this website's FAQ:

 

My sincere apologies for being indignant. I just don't like acronyms, and especially when used in such a way as imply "in group" membership. I kept thinking it stands for designated hitter, which outside "LS" (I'm adapting) is understood by millions.

 

Try not to be judgmental. I'm sure he's aware of your differences. People's relationship with money is deeply seated and usually doesn't change much post adolescence. If he's making the effort to adjust that's about all you can ask, right?

[Grumpybutfun]

donnivain:

Giving generously and with a good spirit is actually something that we have to implement ourselves. Sure, he can be encouraged through your acts of kindness, but in the long run, if he has residual pain or neglect from childhood due to poverty or someone in his family abusing finances, I am sure that it triggers something in him to see/talk to people in need.

 

 

My wife and I grew up very poor, and we often try to give back to our community because we are very comfortable now, yet her level of philanthropic kindness is a mazillion times more prolific than mine. I worked hard to get where I am at, and I expect that others will also, so charity for me is helping someone who helps themselves. My wife is a bleeding heart and would give everything we have away if I didn't watch her like a hawk. We both compromise, and accept that we just see/feel things differently concerning this. Therefore I give my time and resources to people/non-profits where people are expected to help themselves, and she gives her time and resources to everyone else.

 

Acceptance is my spiritual path for this...I accept her unconditional generosity because she accepts my rigid pragmatism. Sometimes that is what is best for a marriage...to just let the other person be as they are without reservations or judgments. As long as he is generous with you, that is what counts at the end of the day.

 

Best,

Grumps

[d0nnivain]

SalParadise

 

 

Apology accepted. I share your frustration about acronyms but thought that one was pretty standard.

I am trying to be understanding which is why I'm not too confrontational about it. Early on I did mention that 20% was a "standard" tip in my opinion (for you I refrained from IMO)

 

 

To some extent I'm more bothered by the lack of generosity with his time. I don't get why he can't show up & offer some conversation to someone at the holidays. I will give smiles & good wishes but the vets prefer to converse with other vets who get what they went through

[down hearted]

donnivain:

 

I do think you can always help him be more generous, have you tried to volunteer somewhere for one day just for an hour and tell him it means a lot to you for him to go with you? My husband and i volunteer all the time, and it is such a nice feeling really. I think poverty has nothing to do with it, both my DH and i came from poor countries, and we excelled and so did our families, i agree with grumps about helping others who want and help themselves and my husband is a type of person that if he has one piece of bread, and thats the only food he has to survive and somebody else needs it, he will give it to them, or if another is asking for money anywhere on the street or anything he is the type to give even if thats the only change he has at the moment.

 

What am trying to say is that you can work with him and start little by little in getting involved regardless of their financial background if he is getting better at tipping then you are already noticing change in him to be more generous. In regards to the holidays, just tell him it would mean so much to you for him to at least try.

 

Just be patient and work with him little by little and he will come around you'll see he already has a very generous person like you to give him a helping hand.