hottie Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Where do I start, I need another persons opinion on my situtation and do not know where to turn since my situtation is so complex. I have been married for 3 years and we have 2 children. My husband like I am sure every man has fantasies about threesomes. I told him I could never have another woman in the bedroom it would have to be a man. So he agreed. He brought his best friend over and we had a threesome neither one of them touched the attention was all on me, but here comes the sticky part. He still wants to continue these threesomes with his friend he has went as far as talking about him moving in with us. I can't figure out how he is not jealous and is just fine with the whole thing. He has said it would not bother him if we just casually kissed and other things. I have asked him if his intentions where to have another woman this was the ploy to do so, I have asked him if he is trying to see just how far I will go and divorce me. I can't figure it out. What is your opinion on my situtation? Please help. Do you think this will eventually be the end to our marriage? I worry about my husband later on getting jealous, even though he said it doesn't bother him. I also worry about me and the other guy developing feelings for one another. UGGGH. I am so unsure what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Yes, this will eventually end your marriage. Yet another example of a man thinking with his penis! Though those involved in them will agrue (wrongly) that they can work, these types of relationships have a perfect 100% failure rate. You are being pressued into doing something you don't want to do and are wisely seeing the further ramifications. I would suggest that if you husband has "no problem" with his firend making love to his wife, it may be that he and this man may already have feelings for one another. Married bisexual men often engagae in threeways with one or the other's wife. But you've already engaged in the activity and the damage has been done. It may already be too late to save your marriage and things will go downhill from this point forward. I would recommend that you tell your husband that not only is his friend not going to come live with you, but that you will not participate in anymore threeways. Then the two of you must get into therapy to get help with damage control. Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Oh man what a bad one... I definitely don't think you should do it again and I definitely think the other guy moving in is a huge NONO!! I seriously have to question your husbands feelings for you because of the fact he lets another guy be with you and now wants him to move in and wants to let you kiss him sometimes. Does that not sound wrong to you? Eventually he will probably want to have another woman or it will open the doors for him to cheat and he will probably most likely get jealous as well. You need to sit down with your man and tell him it was a one time deal (right?)_ and that he needs to respect your decision. You have two children for gods sake...What are they gonna think when they see mommy in the kitchen kissing daddy while feeling up on daddy number 2. Not a pretty picture. You both need to sit down and do some serious thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
hottie26 Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Thanks for your input. I am so glad that you replied. I feel like I have made a horrible mistake by agreeing to the threesome and I wonder about my husbands true intentions. I have talked to my husband and he seems to think this is normal he talks about other co-workers and their lifestyle; I just have that sicky feeling in the pit of my stomach liek this is so wrong and I have made the worst mistake. I have asked my husband how he can be so cool about this if he loved me, because in there is no way I could ever let him be with another woman. THank you so much for your opinion it has helped me open my eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
Max Zoom Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 I agree with everyone else. This is likely to end up badly for you. Still, I wanted to say that there are some rare men who do love their wives, but feel a stong desire to be cuckolded. They gain strong feelings of worth by being submissive to their wives in this way and by endeavouring to have her be as sexually satisfied as possible. How long a domestic relationship can last under such conditions is questionable. Link to post Share on other sites
SmartTpants Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 I suggest that you both seek the advice of a marriage counsellor. Or a sexual therapist. If you ENJOY these encounters that's OK-don't be ashamed. If you want to continue and he wants to continue you're both going to need some advice on how to reassure each other that you both love each other and one isn't trying to set the other one up. I reccomend not having this guy live with you-simply because couples need private couple time. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 I feel like I have made a horrible mistake by agreeing to the threesome Probably you did. So don't compound the mistake by agreeing to repeat it. My husband like I am sure every man has fantasies about threesomes. Maybe many do, although it is by no means universal. But the VAST majority of couples keep this kind of idea strictly in FANTASYLAND. They may think or even talk about it, and find it naughty/exciting, but they do NOT act it out. Most people instinctively realize that 3-ways are dynamite, and not the good kind. The kind that blows apart people's lives. I have asked him if he is trying to see just how far I will go and divorce me. Yikes! Look at how low your trust level is. And probably for good reason. This is the real problem. I sure couldn't trust my husband if I thought he has trying to degrade me and trick me as you fear. he seems to think this is normal he talks about other co-workers and their lifestyle There are a few people who do this sort of thing. Sure. There are also people out there who shoot themselves in the head with a nail gun because they are having a bad day. If you ever come across a person who swings/3ways regularly and is also emotionally healthy, with a long-lasting, happy marriage, please do let me know, because it would be the first time I have heard of it. Whether as cause or effect, I have always seen the whole 3way/multiple partner way of life associated with emotional damage and horibly broken relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
doppelganger Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 Is this damaging to your relationship? If YOU think it is, then it is. I agree w/ the suggestion to see a couples counselor/therapist. They should be more capable of getting to the root of this problem than any of us on the forum. If your husband is up to it, go for the counselling together. If not, going by yourself could give you more insight into this situation. If you worry this is a problem and is damiging to your relationship, then it already is. my $0.02 Link to post Share on other sites
ross Posted July 30, 2004 Share Posted July 30, 2004 Hottie....even though you already did this....I'm so proud of you and any woman that realizes something is wrong when her man wanting to share her out AND is uncomfortable with it. I would NEVER alow my wife to go with another guy....even kiss him. And I would never go with another woman. My wife is 13 years older than me at 40, yet she is everything I'll ever need or want. Link to post Share on other sites
hottie26 Posted July 30, 2004 Share Posted July 30, 2004 Thanks Ross! Link to post Share on other sites
kirkyswife Posted July 30, 2004 Share Posted July 30, 2004 First and foremost living out "fantasies" presents a problem in that it raises the bar and changes the sexual dynamics of a relationship. Meaning - no longer is your husband satisfied with the intimacy you share with one another - his tolerance level has been tainted and the door to the world of fantasy sex slams wide open. The fantasy now becomes a necessity and satisfaction is unattainable unless it challenges the "fantasy experience" time and time again. I am not a psychologist, Dr. Ruth's intern or anything of that nature - I speak to you from true experience. When I was younger, I fulfilled a fantasy for someone I thought I truly loved (and convinced myself truly loved me) and found that he wasn't satisfied with the experience it would eventually become a demand and I began feeling as though I did not satisfy him unless I participated in elevating that experience. It was not something that I wanted to do perse, but I wanted him to have pleasure and so I sacrificed my "soul" for the sake of satisfying someone else. I used to cry after those experiences because my conscious would catch up with me once I sobered up - BTW there was no way that I could participate in fantasy experiences UNLESS I had a TON of liquid & herbal courage. With that said, I want you to seriously think about something. Your husband is sharing you with HIS best friend. You are the mother of his children, his wife and that is very special and sacred. He should hold you in high esteem and never subject you to such degradation. The respect and love he should have for you would not possibly allow him to witness another man, let alone his best friend, penetrate his wife; kissing; fondling etc. This is not in my personal opinion Healthy for a relationship/marriage - it's a true sign of hell to come. Do yourself a solid - seek counseling from a professional who can offer insight into your husband's behavior but more importantly the best way to resolve the matter to your satisfaction. I wish you all the peace and blessings in the world as you fight through this issue, eventually you will have clarity and make a decision that you can live with. In the mean time, don't do anything you truly don't want to do! Take care of you! Link to post Share on other sites
sizzlesWhenHeated Posted July 30, 2004 Share Posted July 30, 2004 presents a problem in that it raises the bar and changes the sexual dynamics of a relationship. Meaning - no longer is your husband satisfied with the intimacy you share with one another - his tolerance level has been tainted and the door to the world of fantasy sex slams wide open. The fantasy now becomes a necessity and satisfaction is unattainable unless it challenges the "fantasy experience" time and time again. I am not a psychologist I think this 'kirkyswife' should be a psychologist perhaps. - very smart point. and, I agree with it - as well as with a lot of these points - UNLESS the sexuality between these two is different or 'other than' the norm. max zoom said - Still, I wanted to say that there are some rare men who do love their wives, but feel a stong desire to be cuckolded. it seems to be very evident - if you explore the internet a bit especially - that there are not just a couple husbands out there that truly find this type of thing erotic - and more than a few couples that seem to mutually enjoy this alternate arrangement. anyway, if it is true what people are picking up on - that you are not interested in an alternative lifestyle then things are heading in a bad direction I would think. One does wonder though, given that you agreed to certain acts already, if you are not a little curious or wanting to explore alternative options yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
kirkyswife Posted July 30, 2004 Share Posted July 30, 2004 sizzlesWhenHeated I think this 'kirkyswife' should be a psychologist perhaps. - very smart point. LOL - thanks Sizzles - I just know how devastating this situation will be and I want to share what I know in the hopes that she can nip this in the bud ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted July 30, 2004 Share Posted July 30, 2004 ZING! Kirkswife, you nailed it. As usual. I'm not the jealous type myself, but I can tell you that when my now-ex was having her affair, the thoughts and images that ran through my head of this cretin having my wife was almost more than I could bear. If I'd had to watch it, he'd be dead. I would NEVER give my wife to anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
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