Disgusted with what I found on boyfriends phone

[Midnight_Princess]

My boyfriend looks at porn pictures on his phone on a social media/picture sharing website(hes not a member) the pictures are mostly selfies that other people put on. Porns not an issue for me. While looking at his phone today i looked at the downloads folder and am sitting here in shock, totally disgusted. The pictures he has the girls look 12-15!! These are the ones hes actually downloaded. Some may be young looking models, but others seriously look that young. All have Flat chests under developed body etc. Even if they were 18, the fact they look young disturbs me. Im unsure what to do or say here, i just want to run away. Advice would be greatly appreciated.

Edited October 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HokeyReligions]

He sounds like a pedophile. How long have you known him?

 

I'm not a snoop by nature but this would have me running a serious background check on him before I talked about it with him.

 

If they are underage (child porn) he could be arrested.

[Midnight_Princess]

He sounds like a pedophile. How long have you known him?

 

I'm not a snoop by nature but this would have me running a serious background check on him before I talked about it with him.

 

If they are underage (child porn) he could be arrested.

 

Iv known him for quite a few years. They do look underage, and a site like that wouldnt be monitored. They are mostly pictures the girls have taken themselfs(im assumimg other people put them on). Even if they all were of age(which i doubt) why the hell would someone get off on pictures of girls who look like kids?

I dont even know how to bring this up. I feel physically ill

Edited October 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SincereOnlineGuy]

My boyfriend looks at porn pictures on his phone on a social media/picture sharing website(hes not a member) the pictures are mostly selfies that other people put on. Porns not an issue for me. While looking at his phone today i looked at the downloads folder and am sitting here in shock, totally disgusted. The pictures he has the girls look 12-15!! These are the ones hes actually downloaded. Some may be young looking models, but others seriously look that young. All have Flat chests under developed body etc. Even if they were 18, the fact they look young disturbs me. Im unsure what to do or say here, i just want to run away. Advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

 

OK, so, you and the first person to respond, have combined to suggest that pre-pubescent girls (perhaps aged 8 to 11???) have been taking "selfies" AND uploading them to the net for world-wide viewing audiences.

 

This is the picture you are trying to paint for us???

 

 

Me thinks somebody doesn't know the meaning of the word "pedophile".

 

 

Now in the far, far more realistic case that these are young women who are of age - no matter how old they look, how is it that you will stand idly by and afford them their legal right to vote, while you won't do same for their legal right to post their nude photos online???

 

If indeed you recognize their legal right to vote and post online nudies, then what say you present your position here in a way that is at least fair to your own boyfriend?

Edited October 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Quiet Storm]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

If these girls are what you say, flat chested, undeveloped girls, then you need to dump him. His porn, although it may not reflect the actions he actually has the guts for, reflects his interest.

 

Can you see what he was actually searching for? What he typed in the search bar?

 

I am ok with my husband looking at porn. But he searches for porn similar to my look- short, MILF, thick, curvy thighs, athletic, big booty. I would feel sad if he actually searched for women unlike me. I would feel like I may not be his type.

 

How is your sex life? Can you tell he wants to please you? Can you tell he loves looking at you? I feel that from my husband- I know he wants my body when we are together. Do you feel that passion from him?

 

To be honest, I'm scared for you. Why don't you just straight up ask him- do you find me attractive? Why do you look up such young girls? Just ask him and see what he says. As a couple, you should be honest about stuff like this.

Edited September 28, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[Midnight_Princess]

OK, so, you and the first person to respond, have combined to suggest that pre-pubescent girls (perhaps aged 8 to 11???) have been taking "selfies" AND uploading them to the net for world-wide viewing audiences.

 

This is the picture you are trying to paint for us???

 

 

Me thinks somebody doesn't know the meaning of the word "pedophile".

 

 

Now in the far, far more realistic case that these are young women who are of age - no matter how old they look, how is it that you will stand idly by and afford them their legal right to vote, while you won't do same for their legal right to post their nude photos online???

 

If indeed you recognize their legal right to vote and post online nudies, then what say you present your position here in a way that is at least fair to your own boyfriend?

 

 

I never said pedofile. Nor did i say 8-11. I did say that some could be of age and look young, but i think some really are underage. Frankly i dont care if they are of age and look younger, it still disturbs me just as much that he would download porn pictures of someone who does look 12! If you want to try and justify it go ahead, but i wont care for what you say because even if they are of age the fact they look so very young is a problem for me. I thought that was clear in my original post, sorry if it wasnt.

[Midnight_Princess]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

If these girls are what you say, flat chested, undeveloped girls, then you need to dump him. His porn, although it may not reflect the actions he actually has the guts for, reflects his interest.

 

Can you see what he was actually searching for? What he typed in the search bar?

 

I am ok with my husband looking at porn. But he searches for porn similar to my look- short, MILF, thick, curvy thighs, athletic, big booty. I would feel sad if he actually searched for women unlike me. I would feel like I may not be his type.

 

How is your sex life? Can you tell he wants to please you? Can you tell he loves looking at you? I feel that from my husband- I know he wants my body when we are together. Do you feel that passion from him?

 

To be honest, I'm scared for you. Why don't you just straight up ask him- do you find me attractive? Why do you look up such young girls? Just ask him and see what he says. As a couple, you should be honest about stuff like this.

 

Thank you for your reply. He doesnt actually search anything, they are just pages that people add pictures on to.

 

Sex life is fine, i know hes attracted and know how much im loved. Im not bothered if the porn he looks at is completely different from me, its just the age of these GIRLS that is very disturbing for me im extremely concerned that most of these girls are as young as they look(i can tell by their body). But as my other post says, even if they are of age i dont see why anyone would get off over girls that look 13. It is a problem for me.

Maybe i should add im younger than him, so im not a jealous older woman lol

Edited October 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Silly_Girl]

I agree. The apparent age of the girls would concern me greatly. 'Slutty' teens with big boobs/clearly of age, I get that some guys like all that. Teens that show no signs of sexual development, that is a whole different thing.

 

I think you need to talk to him. His reaction will tell you so much more than we can help you to guess. Some thoughts:

 

Could he deny downloading it (i.e. it got on to his phone by accident)? Do you have proof to the contrary you can whip out if needed? I am normally 100% anti-snooping but I feel differently here... Is there another source for this you could check? Laptop? iPad? Just to get a context of the overall picture.

 

How do you feel about the fact he *might* genuinely be turned on by images of, essentially, kids? What's the worst case scenario for you?

[happydate]

My boyfriend looks at porn pictures on his phone on a social media/picture sharing website(hes not a member) the pictures are mostly selfies that other people put on. Porns not an issue for me. While looking at his phone today i looked at the downloads folder and am sitting here in shock, totally disgusted. The pictures he has the girls look 12-15!! These are the ones hes actually downloaded. Some may be young looking models, but others seriously look that young. All have Flat chests under developed body etc. Even if they were 18, the fact they look young disturbs me. Im unsure what to do or say here, i just want to run away. Advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Some men like to act out their fantasies on women they know would be a big NO NO. When it is forbidden, it gives them the high and when it is unattainable in a way for them to experience it, it makes them want for more. It is no different than pin up girls on guys locker rooms or photos of a Ferrari or a Porsche or a Rolls Royce (car porn) or gun porn or whatever. As long as he is just looking at them as a form of entertainment, then it is his right and freedom. He is after all an individual with his own rights and freedom. You can not control his life and if you try to control his life, he will feel violated and he wil distance himself from you like many men out there who distant themselves from dominating, insecure and bossy women in marriage and relationships.

 

The key to a healthy relationship is TRUST. Do you trust him? Do you love him enough? Do you believe in him enough? If you do in all, then just let it be.

 

I remembered when I was little and my parents took us to Thailand for an awesome vacation. You know that in Pat Pong Thailand, there are tons of beautiful Asian chicks and my dad was curious to visit these places. He asked my mom for permission and got it. Got photos with them in clothes and no sex, but just being close with these gorgeous women gave him the high.

I remembered asking my mom about my dad -- aren't you worried daddy is going to sleep with those women. And my mom replied. Nope; but you know a man's gotta eat sometimes and she makes a killer dish my dad would die for. He always comes back for me just for that. And she was right. But then, my mom is one secure dame! You should be too! Their 50 year anniversary is coming up soon.

 

Now if you caught him cheating with underage girls however, then I would be really be nervous. But I think its quite harmless.

My friend who has been married to his wife for 20 years has a similar interest. His wife knows about it and always ask us at work; where his new batches of young skinny women photos are. Being so confident asking us takes some guts on her part. But then, she is very secure and a high paying CEO as well.

Edited October 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[madjac74]

Why were you going through his phone?

[emva07]

I would be scared and uncomfortable. Grown woman porn is one thing, even that barely legal crap, but having a thing for naked 12-15 yr olds is a cause of concern. I'd be afraid of what implications this might have in the future and what twisted things go through his head. So much jacked up stuff out there.

I think that this will stay in your head now, no matter what he says, this will always smell fishy to you because anything he says can easily be a lie. Proceed with caution and guard your heart.

[madjac74]

I think that this will stay in your head now, no matter what he says, this will always smell fishy to you because anything he says can easily be a lie. Proceed with caution and guard your heart.

 

Anything he says can be a lie but she is the one snooping through people's phones. Who should trust her?

[emva07]

Anything he says can be a lie but she is the one snooping through people's phones. Who should trust her?

 

yeah lol, but I guess I'm more in awe of the child pornography here than the snooping. Can't rewind time, it's done.

[emva07]

The thing about pedophilia (which is what this is because he is looking for pre-pubescent) is that it can lead to child molestation. That's what I'd be paranoid about, living with a pedophile and one day in the future the cops coming to my door....or worse, it going unnoticed and possibly affecting our children when we have them.

 

Pedophiles love the sense of dominance they get from being with a child. The joy that comes with taking a fresh and innocent girl and making her his. Dominance.

[madjac74]

 

Pedophiles love the sense of dominance they get from being with a child. The joy that comes with taking a fresh and innocent girl and making her his. Dominance.

 

uuuummmmm TMI!

[Silly_Girl]

Some men like to act out their fantasies on women they know would be a big NO NO. When it is forbidden, it gives them the high and when it is unattainable in a way for them to experience it, it makes them want for more. It is no different than pin up girls on guys locker rooms or photos of a Ferrari or a Porsche or a Rolls Royce (car porn) or gun porn or whatever. As long as he is just looking at them as a form of entertainment, then it is his right and freedom. He is after all an individual with his own rights and freedom. You can not control his life and if you try to control his life, he will feel violated and he wil distance himself from you like many men out there who distant themselves from dominating, insecure and bossy women in marriage and relationships.

 

 

I find this an interesting viewpoint! In the OP's shoes I'd be deciding, if things are as they appear or worse, whether I want to be with that man. I wouldn't be trying to control him or worried he'd find me bossy.

[MalachiX]

It's hard to say without seeing the pictures you're talking about (not making a lewd joke here).

 

Personally, I like women with some curves on them but I have friends who actually like flat-chested women with small breasts. At the risk of sounding offensive and making an unfair generalization (which I apologize for); this look is something the media tends to promote.

 

The fashion industry tends to be dominated by gay male designers (once again, perhaps an over-generalization); and, perhaps as a result, many of the female models they hire tend to have bodies that look like those of effeminate young-men/boys. Because models are sold to men as what they should be attracted to, there seem to be a lot of men who begin to idolize the flat-chested look. (hope that paragraph didn't come off as anti-gay or anti-fashion; just making a simple observation that a number of friends of mine in the fashion biz have made)

 

Once again, it's hard to tell how old these girls looked without seeing the pictures but, as another poster pointed out, it seems unlikely that underage girls would be posting selfies (unless he's actually contacting young girls on a message board and asking them to send him selfies in which case he's totally a pedofile).

 

I guess what I'm suggesting is perhaps you should find out a bit more information before you judge your BF on his porn habbits. Lots of people (male and female) look at porn that I would otherwise not like and I tend to believe that people's fantasies are their own. Hell, I've gone out with women who have rape fantasies and have other guys friends who have been in the same place. It's something we were TOTALLY NOT INTO but it's also something we didn't judge the women for.

Edited September 28, 2013 by MalachiX

[Midnight_Princess]

Why am i under attack? I made a thread with my concerns. Im not insecure, im not bossy, and i dont wish to control him. I did not snoop, we are free to look at eachothers phones i was looking at pictures we have recently taken. Im asking for advice and opinions of a matter that worries me very much. As much as i appreciate every opinion do i really need to be pushed under the bus here and accused of being things im not?

 

I will update on how the talk goes.

Thank you for the replies.

[Midnight_Princess]

It's hard to say without seeing the pictures you're talking about (not making a lewd joke here).

 

Personally, I like women with some curves on them but I have friends who actually like flat-chested women with small breasts. At the risk of sounding offensive and making an unfair generalization (which I apologize for); this look is something the media tends to promote.

 

The fashion industry tends to be dominated by gay male designers (once again, perhaps an over-generalization); and, perhaps as a result, many of the female models they hire tend to have bodies that look like those of effeminate young-men/boys. Because models are sold to men as what they should be attracted to, there seem to be a lot of men who begin to idolize the flat-chested look. (hope that paragraph didn't come off as anti-gay or anti-fashion; just making a simple observation that a number of friends of mine in the fashion biz have made)

 

Once again, it's hard to tell how old these girls looked without seeing the pictures but, as another poster pointed out, it seems unlikely that underage girls would be posting selfies (unless he's actually contacting young girls on a message board and asking them to send him selfies in which case he's totally a pedofile).

 

I guess what I'm suggesting is perhaps you should find out a bit more information before you judge your BF on his porn habbits. Lots of people (male and female) look at porn that I would otherwise not like and I tend to believe that people's fantasies are their own. Hell, I've gone out with women who have rape fantasies and have other guys friends who have been in the same place. It's something we were TOTALLY NOT INTO but it's also something we didn't judge the women for.

 

Im not trying to judge him. Im disturbed by whar iv seen but im not going around screamimg 'pedofile'.

 

Hes not searching for young girls. They appear on the site but hes downloaded the pictures. Hes not askimg them for selfies. I meant the website is one where people upload whatever pictures they wish to share(all porn), like a girl may have sent a guy a pic and hes then put it up on the site. Does that make sense? Sorry if it doesnt. Not all of the pictures were of girls who seemed so young. But the ones iv seen had me very worried. As i said some may be of age, some didnt look to be. And either way it worries me why anyone would find girls who are or look so young a turn on.

[Kelemvor]

Like most "Foul!"'s, there's always 2 sides of the story. You seem to be back peddling quite a bit from your original insinuation that your boyfriend is downloading underage girls. It's probably 18-early 20s porn and the undermining problem to me after reading your posts is that no... it's not the age of the girls that bothers you... it's the porn. You would probably be bothered if they were too large, or too small, or had different shaped boobs than yours or younger, older, anything that is too much of a variation from how you perceive yourself because that probably communicates to you that he must not find you attractive. You fundamentally misunderstand why men look at porn. I'm fairly neutral on the issue and although I try not to look at it at all while in relationships (abstaining seems to improve my libido and sex drive in the bedroom with my gf), I don't think it's inherently wrong at all and most men do it.

 

The bigger issue here is what are you doing on his phone? That's a major invasion of his privacy and something that wouldn't be tolerated in most relationships. Everyone deserves a certain amount of privacy. Would you want EVERY fantasy or random thought known to your boyfriend? Of course not. Let him have his secret fantasies. If you feel loved, as you say... and feel that he desires you and your sex life is good, then what are you complaining about exactly? If your problem is the fact that he looks at other women and surfs porn, then you need to have a frank discussion with him about it but be prepared to also do some explaining about what you were doing snooping through his phone.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I never said pedofile. Nor did i say 8-11. I did say that some could be of age and look young, but i think some really are underage. Frankly i dont care if they are of age and look younger, it still disturbs me just as much that he would download porn pictures of someone who does look 12! If you want to try and justify it go ahead, but i wont care for what you say because even if they are of age the fact they look so very young is a problem for me. I thought that was clear in my original post, sorry if it wasnt.

 

 

 

The first person to respond suggested that your boyfriend is a pedophile, and you did reply, but didn't make any effort at clarity, or assure that person that you aren't talking about pedophilia.

 

And any "attacking" going on here, is because you have been inappropriate, as described.

 

You yourself wrote that they "look 12 to 15", and yet you can't discern the difference between that and pedophilia ???

 

Its one thing if your boyfriend has the hots for your imaginary 17yo sister, who shares a large number of your genes, and looks a great deal like you, but quite another to suggest (or allow somebody else to suggest) that he wants to have sex with little kids.

[RainDown]

There is nothing wrong with how you feel about this situation. You do not need permission to feel uncomfortable about something and you do not need permission to feel differently than other people do. You are also not required to understand why people look at porn, what it means, what's normal and what's not.

 

What matters is what YOU are comfortable with. If it bothers you that your boyfriend downloaded pictures of nude females who appear to be underage (whether they are or not) then it bothers you. No one has a right to tell you that you are wrong for feeling that way. It is your life and your relationship and YOU get to decide what is acceptable for you.

 

If you are not comfortable with your SO's behavior in this regard you do not have to twist yourself into a pretzel in order to become comfortable with it. You may love the guy but that doesn't mean you have to be "understanding" about everything he does. If you don't like it, you don't like it.

 

There are men in the world who do not look at or download nude pics of young females; there are men in the world who don't look at porn at all; there are men in the world who are porn addicts; there are men in the world who fall along the entire spectrum. YOU get to choose what and who you want in your life and nobody else's opinion matters.

 

I will offer you this - the sexual interests of a middle aged man is pretty much established and not likely to change, so I wouldn't bother confronting him and telling him to stop it. The behavior may change if you do that, but the interest will not. Now that you know this information about him, the only question you have to ask yourself is if YOU are willing to remain with him and if you will be OK with this knowledge.

 

He is what he is - you are free to take it or leave it. Your choice.

 

PS - As you ponder this situation keep in mind that you may someday have a daughter with this man and that daughter will someday be the age of the girls he's looking at. And she will bring home other girls of the same age. I am not suggesting he will be inappropriate with the girls - I'm asking you to ponder what may begin to lurk in the back of your mind when it happens and if you want to live that way.

 

PPS - I worked in a treatment program for incarcerated sex offenders in a federal prison for many years and what your boyfriend is doing was considered by the treatment team to be "red flag" behavior. Don't ignore it.

 

I'm sorry you're in this position and hope you find the solution that is best for you.

Edited October 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Eclypse]

There are some women who look really young. My girlfriend is one. She's a year older than me but when I met her and she was 20 she looked very young (I knew her age though). She's very tiny with small boobs. It could be your partner is attracted to women like that? I think my gf looks very sexy even though she looks very very young... it's a bit difficult for girls who look like her, if men who find them sexually attractive are considered wannabe pedophiles. There's a lot of prejudices going on. Not everyone can be curvy.

 

Of course if these are underage girls he should go to jail. But how many 12 year olds take nude selfies and upload them online. I get some would, but it seems unlikely it'd be enough to fill a site like this.

[Sanman]

 

PS - As you ponder this situation keep in mind that you may someday have a daughter with this man and that daughter will someday be the age of the girls he's looking at. And she will bring home other girls of the same age. I am not suggesting he will be inappropriate with the girls - I'm asking you to ponder what may begin to lurk in the back of your mind when it happens and if you want to live that way.

 

PPS - I worked in a treatment program for incarcerated sex offenders in a federal prison for many years and what your boyfriend is doing was considered by the treatment team to be "red flag" behavior. Don't ignore it.

 

I'm sorry you're in this position and hope you find the solution that is best for you.

 

I have to correct this as a healthcare professional. A red flag in a sex offender that has a demonstrated history of impulse control difficulties and attempted sex acts with minors is very different than a person that has shown none of these tendencies and simply looked at a picture. It does not mean any future children in the presence of this man would be in danger nor does it mean his sexual interests will never change. To suggest that, quite frankly, is irresponsible unless you are licensed healthcare or mental health professional trained in such matters. OP, make your decision based on your concerns, but ignore the concerns mentioned in the above post. Those are giant leaps made any substantial proof.

Edited September 28, 2013 by Sanman

[RainDown]

I have to correct this as a healthcare professional. A red flag in a sex offender that has a demonstrated history of impulse control difficulties and attempted sex acts with minors is very different than a person that has shown none of these tendencies and simply looked at a picture. It does not mean any future children in the presence of this man would be in nor does it mean his sexual interests will never change. To suggest that, quite frankly, is irresponsible unless you are licensed healthcare or mental health professional trained in such matters. OP, make your decision based on your concerns, but ignore the concerns mentioned in the above post. Those are giant leaps made any substantial proof.

 

We are straying a bit from the point - which is the OPs comfort level with the situation - but yes, I am a "mental health professional trained in such matters".

 

This man did not simply "look at a picture". He looked at many pictures on a porn site (no real problem there) but according to the OP he only downloaded the underage appearing photos. That is a red flag, which simply means it perks up the antennae and merits further exploration. Could be nothing; could be something.

 

Secondly, I did not suggest he was a danger to children. That can not be determined without a full evaluation. I asked the OP to think about whether SHE personally wants to be in a situation she is "disgusted" by when the potential exists that someday it's not going to be pictures of underage appearing females downloaded to a harddrive - it's going to be underage females in person, underfoot. Some people would not be bothered at all. Some people would have a thought pop up now and then. Some people would have uncomfortable thoughts or images creep up frequently. It's impossible to say. Only the OP knows if her concern and disgust is at a level she's willing to deal with.

 

I also did not say an older man's sexual interest will "never" change. I said it's unlikely.

 

But the point is not whether or not this man's behavior is OK or normal or deviant or harmless. The point is that the OP finds it unacceptable and disgusting. She has a perfect right to feel that way and it's really not anyone's place to tell her that her feelings are wrong or inappropriate. She has a right to choose whether or not she wants this behavior in her life or in her head.

Edited October 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator