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Considering reconciling but....


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Hello everyone, I'm looking for some insight and advice. Here is some background information on my situation...

 

About 3yrs ago I separated from my wife of 13yrs. I'll call her the "ex-wife" even though we are technically still married. Since the separation we have been living in separate households and still do. We also have two children together. I would have immediately divorced my ex after the separation but worried about the financial impact the divorce would have on her and the children so I did not.

 

In short, it has been three years and my ex STILL has no job. I still pay for a majority of the bills for both households and financially this situation sucks.

 

Also, and not that I'm trying to nitpick, but my ex has always been heavy/overweight. She played collegiate sports when she was younger and even though she was a little heavy when we first met, she carried the extra weight well. As the years have went on, she has continued to be heavy/overweight and had a crappy diet. Even at my encouraging to exercise and live a healthier lifestyle, she still chooses to remain the same.

 

I am in my early forties and for the most part, I have exercised my entire life and tried to live a healthy lifestyle and maintain a proper diet.

 

During these three years of separation I met another woman and we began dating. Physically she is much different than my ex. This woman is petite and is in decent shape due to her being active and eating right. I recently broke things off with this woman too, because I needed some time to figure out what I really want in my life.

 

I am still having a hard time with the separation and specifically being apart from my children. It had been mainly because of this that I have recently been considering reconciling with my ex. I know this is what she and the kids would like, but I'm not so sure. I have an excellent relationship with my children and often I am content just spending time with them, the three of us alone, without their mother.

 

The main issue and concern I have been having with this idea of reconciling is the thought of intimacy with my ex. I almost feel like this other woman, the physically petite one, has for lack of a better term, "ruined me." Meaning, that after having had sex with this beautiful woman who has obviously taken care of herself physically over the years, I cannot fathom having sex with my heavy, overweight wife. Not meaning to cruel, but the thought of her fat rolls slapping against me during sex physically makes me gag. I've tried to work past this problem in my mind but cannot. Even during the last time (which was within the last few months) when we started messing around, kissing and making out which led into the sex, I had to stop and walk away because I was so turned off.

 

I haven't told her any of this and she still tries to initiate physical contact such as hugging and kissing and butt grabs and such, but I am just not into doing this with her any longer.

 

Although I still love her and consider her to be a good friend, in the beginning when we separated she had said a lot of mean things and talked a lot of ****/trash to our mutual friends about me. Of course she took no blame for anything that went wrong with our relationship and marriage, it was all me of course. I'm not sure if its a combo of these things that has me looking at her in a different light and making her unattractive to me, or if its just the physical unattractive portion. As an example of a different light I mean, let's say you are out somewhere and see someone you think is attractive....and then you see them do something that totally turns you off and their action is just plain ugly so it makes them appear ugly in your eyes...and no matter what they do that's never someone you are going to be into.

 

Anyways,.... Thanks for reading/listening and any input would be appreciated. I'm also not sure if I should tell her about the physical part or not...

 

Thanks again.

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You're not attracted to your wife and based on what you're saying, the communication between you isn't good.

 

Why exactly would you want to reconcile with her, exactly?

 

Unless she changes some things, and wants to do so for herself and the relationship, then you'd just be right back where you started.

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I know my ex said alot about me and I said alot about my ex. However I recognized my faults in the relationship and he did not. I don't care though because I know he knows he is at fault also.

 

I think whatever she said at the start may have been because she was in pain. Some of the things my ex said about me seriously killed me but now that the anger has passed I know he was hurt and that is why he acted that way.

 

I think if she really wanted to be with you she would work on the issues however you have not told her what the issues are. I am not sure how I would feel if I was told I am over weight (probably laugh because I only weigh 55kgs) but if I was actually overweight I know I would be unhappy with myself too unless I thought my partner was happy with me and then I wouldnt need to impress anyone else so I wouldnt care.

 

Just tell her the truth about the weight. Figure out if you can forgive her for the **** talking.

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You didn't say what caused the separation to begin with. Has that been resolved or would it still be a problem?

 

If you not only aren't physically attracted, but find her repulsive due to her weight issues, I can't see how you could possibly hope to have a fulfilling marriage. Some people might be able to look past it but you've said that you cannot and that's a key thing that you need to acknowledge. If the other issue, the cause for separation, is still present as well then there are some serious reasons not to go back with her. Doing so solely for the sake of your relationship with children is not considered the healthy thing to do for you or them. You can have a great relationship with your kids without living with or being married to their mother.

 

Your happiness is important! While it may seem a noble gesture to sacrifice your life for the purpose of maintaing a traditional family unit, it's not likely to work out that way unless you truly want to be with her and are ready to commit enthusiastically, which doesn't seem to be the case.

 

It's also not good to live in the perpetual separation limbo. I think you need to sort this out so you can move forward with building a positive life for yourself. Are you seeing a counselor/therapist? If not I think it would be beneficial. You and your kids will be better off if you're living life fully and happily, or at least actively engaged in the pursuit thereof, regardless of whether you live in the same house.

 

Please tell us how you came to be separated, as that may be a key piece of the puzzle.

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