Is there truth to the phrase "you'll find someone when you're not looking" ?

[intherealworld]

The other day I came across this article:

A CUP OF JO: Do you ever worry that you won't meet your soulmate?

 

442 comments from women and 90% of them say that they found their match when they "weren't looking," some when they had sworn off dating altogether. Do you personally believe that you meet the love of your life when you're not looking?

After I broke up with my last bf I did a LOT of dating and talked to as many men as I could, maximizing my opportunities and thinking I was bound to find someone else eventually. That did not work out well, and I'm still single. Now I'm trying to focus more on myself, my life, my friends, my hobbies & social life, & hopefully when the time is right the right man will come along. However, at times I wonder how I am supposed to find the love of my life if all I'm doing is sitting back and waiting? Apparently it worked for over 400 of those women.... is there some secret trick to this I'm missing?

[KathyM]

Some people find their soulmate when they are putting themselves out there and actively looking. Some will find him by chance when they are not looking. I think putting yourself out there and using whatever means is available to meet people will maximize your chances of finding someone. Most of the people I know found their mate by actively looking or agreeing to meet someone that was planned out. It wasn't by chance.

[darkmoon]

not looking = not desperate

 

just relax, then encounters are a 50/50 process

 

but not if you are not dressed nicely and all that

[candie13]

It is totally true. It happened to me twice - and yes, I remember when I was trying to be available and meet people, they simply wouldn't "stick" to me.

 

The moment you realize you don't need to have a man or a partner to be happy, the moment you focus on yourself and simply really enjoy being with your friends... it happens. I swear to God. People feel you are confident, it's like a glow of self assurance, of peace inside that surrounds you and attracts people.

 

I totally believe in this.

 

That and always being in tip top shape. If you are feeling good about yourself, that's nothing else but a consequence, instead of an effort.

[AD1980]

A women yes but most men unless youre good looking and get approached have to fend for yourself and be pro active to try to make things happen if youre not that attractive..

 

I hardly approach women and not that pro active in fidning one since im pretty shy and in turn ive been invisible to women.. So the idea of fidning love while not looking or beign desperate hasnt gotten me anywhere

[hotpotato]

It has been true for me so far.

 

The more I date, the harder it was actually.

[coolheadal]

Everyone different and will have a different answer. For me when the ex started with her nonsense mid 2011, I can say I am much better person without her she confess she wasn't ready for married. She should have told me this prior to the wedding and the 13 years of awful marriage won't have never happen to me with her!

 

Today 2013 I did find someone else just a few days after my Birthday and having one on my own not much fun, but I am strong and finding the right girl has made things better for me today.

If you want to be with someone your going to find out it not going to be easy and if you hitting score is low you need to ask yourself why?

 

My best advice is try to do something in your life you always wanted to do but was told not too! That's what I do today thinks I could never do prior but now I am doing it today and feel splendid!

[intherealworld]

Some people find their soulmate when they are putting themselves out there and actively looking. Some will find him by chance when they are not looking. I think putting yourself out there and using whatever means is available to meet people will maximize your chances of finding someone. Most of the people I know found their mate by actively looking or agreeing to meet someone that was planned out. It wasn't by chance.

 

I met my last bf from OLD, so I was actively looking then but more just for fun. I think after we broke up and I went back to it I had more motives than just 'looking to see whats out there.' I still have my profile but rarely check it. I used to think "well I met someone on OLD once, it could certainly happen again" but I also think "if you want a different result there has to be a different action" so....maybe just try a different route this time around...

[carhill]

I think it's quite possible for a woman, generally due to women not having to 'look' for someone, rather choosing amongst those who are 'looking' for them, hence there being 'truth' to the statement.

 

For a man, and I have vast experience with this, not looking for a partner is, IME, a guaranteed way to remain single, celibate and alone for as long as one makes that choice.

 

So, as regards to 'truth', mixed bag.

[intherealworld]

It is totally true. It happened to me twice - and yes, I remember when I was trying to be available and meet people, they simply wouldn't "stick" to me.

 

The moment you realize you don't need to have a man or a partner to be happy, the moment you focus on yourself and simply really enjoy being with your friends... it happens. I swear to God. People feel you are confident, it's like a glow of self assurance, of peace inside that surrounds you and attracts people.

 

I totally believe in this.

 

That and always being in tip top shape. If you are feeling good about yourself, that's nothing else but a consequence, instead of an effort.

 

Agreed because when I got with my ex I was happy, confident, etc. But I was also technically "actively looking" because I had an OLD profile. He was the 3rd person I met up with and we immediately hit it off. I guess that's where I get confused because yes I was in a place where I was content with myself & my life BUT I was also OLDing and not just sitting back waiting for "it" to happen..but it happened fairly quickly & I'm guessing it had something to do with my confidence & self assurance at that point in my life. I'm just not sure the level of effort I should be putting in because I definitely want a relationship but seem stuck either way I go...try & date & I feel like nothing "sticks" as you said, and it gets bothersome. Sit back and wait for it to find me & I worry I'm watching opportunities pass by.

[intherealworld]

I think it's quite possible for a woman, generally due to women not having to 'look' for someone, rather choosing amongst those who are 'looking' for them, hence there being 'truth' to the statement.

 

For a man, and I have vast experience with this, not looking for a partner is, IME, a guaranteed way to remain single, celibate and alone for as long as one makes that choice.

 

So, as regards to 'truth', mixed bag.

 

Not to discount what you said but...trust me, the world is not a buffet of perfect male specimen for every woman lol. I'm 25 attractive have my sh*t together & I'm fun to be around so do I generally attract male attention? Yes. BUT, 75-80% of that attention is from a. guys who are already in relationships, b. guys who want a one night stand, c. guys I am not interested in. None of those really serve me any purpose so...I don't really see it as any kind of perk.

Not to mention, when I go out to bars my friend & I rarely get approached. We're both young & attractive & usually laughing and smiling and not huddled in a corner facing each other so we're pretty perplexed on why we don't get approached, other than the fact that we live in the South and don't act or dress like most Southern girls lol. However, most guys I've met in bars have been worthless so I"m not too upset about it.

For me I don't approach men (in bars) because I feel that it looks desperate and/or like you're out for a hookup. Neither of which are me, so....I'd prefer to not approach first. Maybe other women feel the same as me? Don't be so down on yourself

[candie13]

Agreed because when I got with my ex I was happy, confident, etc. But I was also technically "actively looking" because I had an OLD profile. He was the 3rd person I met up with and we immediately hit it off. I guess that's where I get confused because yes I was in a place where I was content with myself & my life BUT I was also OLDing and not just sitting back waiting for "it" to happen..but it happened fairly quickly & I'm guessing it had something to do with my confidence & self assurance at that point in my life. I'm just not sure the level of effort I should be putting in because I definitely want a relationship but seem stuck either way I go...try & date & I feel like nothing "sticks" as you said, and it gets bothersome. Sit back and wait for it to find me & I worry I'm watching opportunities pass by.

 

Well, I guess you do need to do something - like get out of the house and meet people. If all you do if work - home, home - work, for sure the man of your life won't stop you in the street because you irradiate confidence, haha.

 

I don't do OLD - in Europe it's less popular than the USA, but I do see lots of friends socially. I don't go out hunting for men, either, but I do hang out in places where I can meet people, friends of my friends, and stuff.

[carhill]

Generally, on LS, I share my 54 years of living and experience. I've had lovers and have been married and also weathered a couple of decades of dating.

 

My closest equivalent to what you're talking about was the married and single women who hit on me while I was married. Based solely on that, I can see your point. I wasn't looking for a relationship, since I was married, and yet I was getting propositioned, something which has never happened before nor after that period of my life.

 

My assertion was, and continues to be that, as a woman, any woman, you will be pursued by a subset of the male population whether you're looking for a relationship or not. True, some may be 'jerks'; also some may be excellent relationship partners potentials. The difference is in choice. You are afforded one with no other action on your part. A man, generally, must make the choice first to take action, which obviates the assertion in the thread title, specifically 'not looking'. If a man takes action, he's either already looked and is pursuing one potential actively, or is casting a general 'look' around for interested females. He's 'looking'. If he's not looking, he's generally invisible, unless he's one of the rare men whom women are always 'looking' for and seeking out, or he attracts the subset of women I did while married. However, if one is comfortable with being alone, 'not looking' can be one method to easily remain that way, permanently, IME.

[intherealworld]

Well, I guess you do need to do something - like get out of the house and meet people. If all you do if work - home, home - work, for sure the man of your life won't stop you in the street because you irradiate confidence, haha.

 

I don't do OLD - in Europe it's less popular than the USA, but I do see lots of friends socially. I don't go out hunting for men, either, but I do hang out in places where I can meet people, friends of my friends, and stuff.

 

I go out with friends at least 2 times during the week, weekends I am out and about doing things all day long. Also attend a ton of concerts. I'm out there! Maybe I should get a neon sign though?

[intherealworld]

Generally, on LS, I share my 54 years of living and experience. I've had lovers and have been married and also weathered a couple of decades of dating.

 

My closest equivalent to what you're talking about was the married and single women who hit on me while I was married. Based solely on that, I can see your point. I wasn't looking for a relationship, since I was married, and yet I was getting propositioned, something which has never happened before nor after that period of my life.

 

My assertion was, and continues to be that, as a woman, any woman, you will be pursued by a subset of the male population whether you're looking for a relationship or not. True, some may be 'jerks'; also some may be excellent relationship partners potentials. The difference is in choice. You are afforded one with no other action on your part. A man, generally, must make the choice first to take action, which obviates the assertion in the thread title, specifically 'not looking'. If a man takes action, he's either already looked and is pursuing one potential actively, or is casting a general 'look' around for interested females. He's 'looking'. If he's not looking, he's generally invisible, unless he's one of the rare men whom women are always 'looking' for and seeking out, or he attracts the subset of women I did while married. However, if one is comfortable with being alone, 'not looking' can be one method to easily remain that way, permanently, IME.

 

Very good observations...I'm picking up what you're putting down.

[candie13]

Hum, well, if you actually want to meet someone, maybe you should do something active in that direction. There is no shame in having a healthy pro-active approach. I think the key is to keep it light, not to overdo it, no one likes a desperate conversation partner.

 

There are no wrong or right solutions here. And it is a numbers game, in the end, the more people you meet, the higher the chances of meeting someone nice.

[hotpotato]

Generally, on LS, I share my 54 years of living and experience. I've had lovers and have been married and also weathered a couple of decades of dating.

 

My closest equivalent to what you're talking about was the married and single women who hit on me while I was married. Based solely on that, I can see your point. I wasn't looking for a relationship, since I was married, and yet I was getting propositioned, something which has never happened before nor after that period of my life.

 

My assertion was, and continues to be that, as a woman, any woman, you will be pursued by a subset of the male population whether you're looking for a relationship or not. True, some may be 'jerks'; also some may be excellent relationship partners potentials. The difference is in choice. You are afforded one with no other action on your part. A man, generally, must make the choice first to take action, which obviates the assertion in the thread title, specifically 'not looking'. If a man takes action, he's either already looked and is pursuing one potential actively, or is casting a general 'look' around for interested females. He's 'looking'. If he's not looking, he's generally invisible, unless he's one of the rare men whom women are always 'looking' for and seeking out, or he attracts the subset of women I did while married. However, if one is comfortable with being alone, 'not looking' can be one method to easily remain that way, permanently, IME.

 

Not in my experience. Most of them men who come up to me are taken or looking for a booty call. Most men who come up to me are not looking to date.

[hotpotato]

Hum, well, if you actually want to meet someone, maybe you should do something active in that direction. There is no shame in having a healthy pro-active approach. I think the key is to keep it light, not to overdo it, no one likes a desperate conversation partner.

 

There are no wrong or right solutions here. And it is a numbers game, in the end, the more people you meet, the higher the chances of meeting someone nice.

 

For who? Most people I know who are married or paired met that person in hs, college, or at work.

[candie13]

Well, you know what they say, if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get that you've always gotten.

 

I don't live in the US, I live in a small international city in Europe. While I agree that most people have met their SO in high school or university, there are career oriented people who still happen to be single. Some of them like it that way, so dating those is just as much of a waste of time.

 

What I am trying to say is: if you don't like the type of people you run into, change the routine. I met most of my bfs through common friends. Or through my hobbies. I also seem to meet lots of people by attending events that I like - photography exhibits, art events, dance classes. The trick is to just be curious and open to people - and not target exclusively people of the opposite sex. People know people or bring more people along, when going out... it's important to have a good sound network of single acquaintances that you like. That way, even if you don't get to meet anyone interesting, you still have loads of fun and enjoy yourself.

 

I always seem to meet lots of people when I am enjoying myself, when I am with people I really like or when I am doing something that brings me genuine pleasure.

 

The complete opposite when I am anxious, stressed or bored. Or when I really really want to meet people. I sometimes make fun of that, with my gfs! God bless, I got a good bunch of those around me, I'd be dead without them.

[Mrlonelyone]

Generally, on LS, I share my 54 years of living and experience. I've had lovers and have been married and also weathered a couple of decades of dating.

 

My closest equivalent to what you're talking about was the married and single women who hit on me while I was married. Based solely on that, I can see your point. I wasn't looking for a relationship, since I was married, and yet I was getting propositioned, something which has never happened before nor after that period of my life.

 

My assertion was, and continues to be that, as a woman, any woman, you will be pursued by a subset of the male population whether you're looking for a relationship or not. True, some may be 'jerks'; also some may be excellent relationship partners potentials. The difference is in choice. You are afforded one with no other action on your part. A man, generally, must make the choice first to take action, which obviates the assertion in the thread title, specifically 'not looking'. If a man takes action, he's either already looked and is pursuing one potential actively, or is casting a general 'look' around for interested females. He's 'looking'. If he's not looking, he's generally invisible, unless he's one of the rare men whom women are always 'looking' for and seeking out, or he attracts the subset of women I did while married. However, if one is comfortable with being alone, 'not looking' can be one method to easily remain that way, permanently, IME.

 

 

I am going to take issue with the hilited part based on my experience as a bigendered biological male who for a time lived as a transgendered woman.

 

 

To be come the beautiful creature that men hit on women need to

 

 

1.)Shave, wax, pluck, bleach every hair on their bodies that isn't on their head.

 

 

2.)Diet and work out watching and counting every calorie unless they are blessed enough to gain most weight in their butt and boobs and aren't prone to cellulite.

 

 

3.)Dress in clothes that accentuate their curves and show just the right amount of skin and movement to attrack male attention.

 

 

4.)Do all of the above and then go to certain places and behave in ways that give men an in to talk to them.

 

 

So yes women have to be active yet not aggressive in order to look.

 

 

Women even take not being approached when they are all done up and pretty as a rejection. They take not acting on their arcane hints as a rejection.

 

 

Carhill or any other married/ previously married man, have you ever not made a move on your wife when she was trying to get your attention and get you to make a move on her? If you have done that and then seen how radically their mood changed after that you know what I mean.

 

 

 

 

That said IME. No matter what gender I was mainly presenting I always found a man or woman of interest when I wasn't really looking. In the sense that either I was psychologically checked out of the whole looking for a relationship mindset or I was really sort of letting myself go at the time.

 

 

When I actively go out looking for a partner I never find one either no one interesting presents themselves or, and this happens allot to me, they say something so stupid I don't care to talk to them.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Ditto. All my relationships came when I was not looking for them. I don't have qualms with people that are actively seeking but you have to be careful your desire for a "relationship" doesn't override your actual ability/willingness to actively be in one. Some folks cannot stand to be along so they are perpetually taken which isn't good. When I end up with my husband I will know for sure if it "just happens." Bottom line is the less it is contrived, the better; by all means be open in mind and heart to it but don't let it consume you.

 

 

Hum, well, if you actually want to meet someone, maybe you should do something active in that direction. There is no shame in having a healthy pro-active approach. I think the key is to keep it light, not to overdo it, no one likes a desperate conversation partner.

 

There are no wrong or right solutions here. And it is a numbers game, in the end, the more people you meet, the higher the chances of meeting someone nice.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I never found anything unless I was actively looking for it. Unfortunately.

[RiceaRoni]

I think it's true.

Whenever I'm not looking, I get approached multiple times.

And when I'm not looking I'm either going through a break or just want to be single and not bother with a relationship, so Yeah so far it's been true for me; but the downside is, it happens at the wrong time.

[Revolver]

This along with "be yourself" applies more to women then it does men

[RedRobin]

Not really. The day I met my now ex-H, I'd purposely got done up to meet my friend for lunch. She knew him from work and introduced us.

 

Had I worn the shabby dress I'd been wearing all week on spring break while suffering through the take-home test my sadistic professor assigned... no way would he have asked me out.

 

I remedied that oversight the next time I saw him. I wore that shabby dress and no makeup. He deserved to see the 'real' me... because there was no way in h*ll I was going to dood myself up like the first time on a regular basis.

 

He wasn't happy about that. I guess it was my stunning personality and hot sex that won him over

 

In any case, in my work and personal life, I've never allowed myself to become complacent. I know what I'm capable of, and what I can maintain on a regular basis and tend to stick to that. Still, I've always got my eye peeled.