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Death of a Parent = Death of Relationship


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I met a lovely guy after years of dating and nothing more. A year on, we were very happy and had even started living together .... when, suddenly and without warning, his mother died. He was obviously very shocked and sad and for a couple of weeks he talked to me. But then he stopped coming to bed, stopped wanting to talk or cuddle and then the big one .... he asked me to move out. Fortunately, I still had my place to go back to. I was devastated. I tried to give him space and didn't contact him and waited for him to contact me. A month went by and then I heard from him. He said he was virtually back to his old self and we met up. It was difficult because he wasn't himself and it wasn't nice to be around him because it didn't feel like he was with me. I suggested perhaps we should call it a day and he asked me to give him a couple more weeks. After a couple of weeks, I suggested again that perhaps we should call it quits and move on and he asked if we could start again. I agreed because I love him. However, after only seeing each other for a trip to the cinema we agreed he would come over to mine on the Saturday (2 days later). However, after I got upset over a text he sent me, he stopped calling, texting or getting in touch at all. I miss him terribly, I have tried to make things better, my best mate even called him for me. He told her 'of course he and I have a future together, its just that his head is all over the place t the moment'. I haven't heard from him since. I am terrified that he is so eaten up with grief that it will take months for him to recover. He wont let me help and I cannot just sit around waiting for him. I am so upset, as we had a great relationship and plans for the future. Now it seems I have lost him for good :lmao:

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acrosstheuniverse

Something as catastrophic as a parent dying can really make or break a relationship... it can show whether or not you're united and able to face the difficult times together, or whether it won't work. Sadly it sounds like this awful event has come between you and it doesn't really sound as though there is a whole lot of hope.

 

I think you need to respect him and what he wants and needs, right now. That means accepting that you're over, trying to move on (minimal contact would be best, although I wouldn't refuse him your time if he's upset) and letting him grieve in the way that he needs to. My mother died a month after my ex and I got together and although we stayed together for two years, I think that happening had a lot to do with our breakup. It placed so much stress on us both, he had to watch me grieving and sobbing for months on end while he was helpless, and as he said, I changed as a person.

 

If he's pushing you away, please respect him. I know it's hard, and I know you love him and want to be with him, but something like this changes a person forever and you may not even end up wanting to be with him once all of this dies down. I know I changed as a person, and it would have been easier to handle the grief without worrying about how it was affecting my (brand new) relationship too.

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My grandfather I was close to died in april, my childhood dog that I have been taking care of for a few years since I move dout died in May... my mom has breast cancer that has not been cured by several rounds of chemo (she went through months of her first round and now is half way through her second), my grandma who is honestly more of a mother to me than my mom has really bad alzheimers... and I see her frequently throughout the week. Guess what? My fiance is my rock. She is there for me while a lot of things seem to be falling apart. I am a strong person and do suffer emotionally with these things, but I keep my self together and stay tough and strong. I would never alienate my fiance from me just because I've lost loved ones. Although I've not lost a parent, my mom is dying... just when we happen to start re-building our long lost relationship. I would never /have never acted the way your BF is. You should be there for him, but at the same time let him know you can't wait forever.

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acrosstheuniverse

Yes Will1988... but you want your fiance to be there and be a rock for you, it sounds like that's something that is a positive for you that you find helps you cope. With the OP, her partner has clearly indicated he doesn't want to see her anymore. As you said, OP needs to realise she shouldn't wait around forever... I'd advise against telling your ex that, though, OP... it'll just sound like emotional pressure and blackmail.

 

"He told her 'of course he and I have a future together, its just that his head is all over the place t the moment'."

 

He's said that his head is all over the place and you wanting to get in touch and evaluate the relationship etc. isn't going to help, only harm. Listen to him and let him work through his grief, and don't wait around because he probably won't want you back at the 'end' (which DOES take months and years) because he doesn't want your support now. I know it hurts but you just need to move on.

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I can relate to some extent. My husband's mother passed away a few months ago and we've already been having relationship and financial issues. I feel quite bad to say that I just couldn't deal with that at the time. :( I know I wasn't being a good wife as I was having my own issues at the time...so the timing couldn't have been worse. He was never really close to his mother and he was expecting her death for a few years, so he was able to move forward rather quickly despite being sad.

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