Is this Lack of Self Esteem or Inability to identify Toxic People

[SingleInTheCity]

First, this is my first night on this board and I find it very informative and disheartening tp a certain extent.

 

Ultimately I want to meet a man that I establish a strong foundation of friendship with who will honor, respect and ultimately love me. This man of convictions will be honest, forthright and ambitious with a strong spiritual and familial connection.

 

I would prefer a man as drama free as humanly possible but understand life presents challenges and so the perfect package may not exist. I can make intelligent decisions about whether or not I want to involve myself in someone else's drama IF the person I deal with is honest and respects my RIGHT to make the best choice for me.

 

What I can't understand is why many of the posts seem to abandon self respect, pride, and seem to be absent of personal limits and strengths.

 

Is this lack of self esteem or is this the result of continuous associations with "Toxic People".

 

Help me understand!

[Matilda]

Originally posted by SingleInTheCity

What I can't understand is why many of the posts seem to abandon self respect, pride, and seem to be absent of personal limits and strengths.

 

Is this lack of self esteem or is this the result of continuous associations with "Toxic People".

 

Help me understand!

 

Now, there's a good question. I think lack of self esteem and "toxic people" are issues that are intertwined, and it would be difficult to know which came first in many cases. Kind of the like the chicken and egg thing. Did I lose my self esteem because of my relationship with this person, or am I in a relationship with this person because I don't have self esteem.

 

I think the bigger issue is that people don't think more about values, goals, and compatibility before they get involved with somebody. It seems many relationships just evolve: we met, we fell in love, we moved in, we got married, we had kids, and how ever many years later, we realized we don't have a relationship because we never actually thought about what a good relationship consists of, and what kind of person would be a good partner. People just get on the track, and start rolling along.

 

I think there is this illusion about love, that you will just happen to meet this person, you will fall in love, and everything will just magically fall into place. This idea that if it's "right", it will all work out on it's own, is simply false.

 

I think you have stated the problem, that people don't know their own personal limits, and don't really think about them. Or, if they do have an idea about them, they seem willing to compromise them in the name of love. I think sometimes that is related to lack of self esteem, and sometimes it's just poor judgement and lack of foresight.