How to handle her emotions, talk to her, drugs, self confidence issues....

[Jim046]

This will be long, just a warning.

Oh where do I start.

About her I guess

 

Great girl, beautiful, our first 2 months were amazing, never an argument, not afraid to say anything around each other. We went on vacation only 3 weeks into it and we had a blast! She has a good job, went to school, tons of other good things about her. Didn't meet in a bar, actually a coincidence we met on Facebook by accident. Has some issues with her parents, they were never around and her grandparents raised her, grandpa passed years ago. Last breakup was terrible but it was a year ago, so I wasn't going to be a rebound. Had not dated anyone since her ex. Constantly told me I made her the happiest she has ever been, her friends even told me that she had told them the same thing. Always happy to hear from me wether it be a call or a text, great sex, everything great. Then a crash...

 

It kinda all began, about 2.5 months ago. (been dating almost 5 months) I had her over to my folks place for a party, turns out almost 40 people showed up. Mostly my parents friends, which are basically mine as well, I grew up around them. She actually knew several of the people but had not seen them for a few years. She showed up and I could tell she was nervous. She was almost silent all night, finally drug me aside, told me she didn't think anyone liked her, she felt out of place, felt overwhelmed, thought people were talking bad about her. She was a mess. We talked for a good hour, and honestly it was basically all made up in her head. I talked to most of the people that were there in the following days, they all said she was pretty, but seemed shy. Nothing bad was ever said. I eventually told her a few days later that everything that made her feel uncomfortable was made up in her head, nobody said anything bad. She understood that.

 

What I know about her ex, they didn't have alot of sex, he smoked a ton of pot, anytime they had a serious talk, he would fly off the handle and end up yelling at her. The final straw just about ate her alive... It wasn't pretty from what her friends tell me, and she was there. One of her friends has been a big help to me, she knows I make her happy and is concerned that we are having issues. I am not at all the type the get mad, get irate, raise my voice, yell at her, just not me, never have, don't think I ever will. I like to just sit and talk about things.

 

So fast forward a couple weeks. She tells me she is going to go stay with one of her girl friends, while her boyfriend is away for work. Everything she told me about this girl friend didn't seem real great, actually, there wasn't one quality I found appealing. I trust her, and she sat and text me damn near all night. Her friend smokes weed too. Ill smoke every once in a while, but all it does to me is make me tired. I have to be drunk to even get a buzz off the stuff. Well she got some off her friend. Said she likes to smoke every now and then on stressful days. Very next night she comes over, we hang out a bit, eat, then she wants to smoke. So we did, made me tired. Next thing you know she is nitpicking every single thing I do, she was being an ass. So I brought it up, well then she blew up into some self confidence issue thing of how I don't like her and all this other crap she made up in her head. Next day we talked about it and came to the conclusion that it was all made up.

 

After that things were different. She started showing less and less affection, but still wanted to be with me as much as she could. She would act different around me, my parents even noticed it, said they thought we were walking on eggshells around each other. Sex stopped, completely.

I didn't know what to think, and anytime I brought it up, she would try and start a fight. I don't fight, and just want to talk. Constantly putting her thoughts into other peoples heads thinking they think bad of her or something? She smoked every day I am pretty sure.

 

Well as my luck would have it, 2 weeks later she finds out her grandma has cancer. Holy cow, here we go on a rollercoaster ride! That woman is her mom basically. So I am dealing with that, and all she can think is her grandma is dead, the absolute worst possible thing that can happen is all she thinks about. I try my hardest to keep her positive and strong, I do every day still. I tell her every day, when her grandma is alive 5 years from now you are going to look back and think why the hell did I act like that when I could have been staying positive and thinking about good things. I do think that what I say has helped, and she has said it did too. She now says the weed is the only thing that will take the bad thought out of her head and make her happy. I don't like her when she smokes most of the time. Sometimes she's almost normal again, others she just nitpicks me...

 

I am not a good person to be talking to about people passing, I watched my brother go, grandparents, uncles, watched my mom try and kill herself... Just not something I get really worked up about anymore. I can be sympathetic to someone else though and try and comfort them and support them...

 

I tried and tried to talk to her about it, I called the shrink I talk to occasionally and basically told him what I have typed out but left out the weed, his first words were "does she smoke weed?"

 

I think the weed makes her paranoid, causes anxiety, causes delusions that people think things about her that aren't true. Im almost positive of it.

 

Finally I kinda had enough and sent her a big long text, she's no phone talker but I do get a few minutes before bed on nights she stays home.

 

She never replied to it, bad day, bad day at work, said she was crying at work, coworker text me and asked what was going on, She called me that evening mad as hell, yelled at me for 15 minutes non stop. I told her she sounds exactly like what she described her ex as and hung up the phone and didn't answer any text or calls until I went to bed and just text good night. She was wanting me to call her and say good night.

 

Things kinda got a little better after that, affection towards me started showing up. She wanted to be around me more, we actually had a couple decent weekends together, but the whole time I am afraid to talk to her, afraid to ask her to do things... She started saying she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. Now there were still bad days, days stuff with her grandma weren't good. I was and am still daily telling her to be strong and think positive.

 

But at the same time, I am not real happy. Things are still far from what they were the first 2 months. Her friends tell me they have never seen her act this way, except when her and her ex broke up, they dated a year.

 

I know what is going on with her grandma weighs heavy on her mind. But there is better ways to deal with it than weed... Weed makes her a different person.

 

Last week I told her I want to talk. She said she would like to that coming weekend. I did my homework, I write in a journal daily. I started looking back, figured I would start when the sex stopped. We last had sex the day before she started smoking, then everything went downhill after that. Everything happened right around when she started smoking. She blames it on whats going on in her head with her grandma, which is understandable but there was 2 weeks there before she knew about her grandma that were not good. No sex, arguments, her acting weird, thinking I didn't like her.

 

I finally brought it up sunday, both of us sober and straight, had just spent the day with her family, she was grouchy for no reason, snapped at me a couple times, to which her family asked me why and what was up. Immediately she tried to make it a fight. I stopped her dead in her tracks. Then I talked, and she agreed with alot of what I had to say, until I brought up the weed, and the dates of what happened. Then she said she wanted to break up, I told her thats fine, let me gather up all your stuff so you can go. Then she back peddled like crazy. She swears the weed is what helps and makes her happy when she is sad. I tell her if she is sad she needs to talk to me, she has told me multiple times that talking to me makes her happy and feel alot better about whatever is going on. Told me that tonight actually. Told her I want to make her happy, not some **** grown in a pot. The rest of that night was kinda better. She told me again she wants to grow old with me... Get married start a family.

 

I am still at a loss though, what do I do? I want her to stop smoking. She has no idea what weed does to your mind. I have researched it, talked to friends that used to smoke alot and quit. Tired of the drama, I grew up in a drama free house, I had no drama in my life until she started smoking.

 

Do I keep fighting for her? I know there is a great girl in there, I saw it the first 2 months we were together. I had everyone of her friends telling me to keep doing what I am doing cause they have never seen her happier. I have never stopped doing that. Nothing has changed on my end other than me being afraid to talk to her, or ask her stuff. I do know she doesn't handle stuff well, those self confidence issues again..

 

I feel like I want to keep working for her, It honestly felt so right when we first met. She told me the same thing. :/

 

Talking to her doesn't seem to get real far, I don't get many answers, and she says he doesn't have them because all she thinks about is her grandma's death, which hasn't happened yet.

 

Any advice? Thoughts?

[Jim046]

Nothing? :/

[wisernow]

Okay, I'll bite. This girl sounds like a real piece of work. I guess my question to you, is why in the hell are you still involved?

[Jim046]

Because the first 2 months were really great, we never had one single issue. Had a great time!! So I know that person is in there somewhere, maybe I need to take a step back and look at whats going on.. :/

[TaraMaiden]

Bail.

You can't fix people, and it's not your duty, responsibility or job to do that for her.

 

Be supportive, but the work - all of it - is down to her.

[Toddbt12y1]

Unfortunately you cannot fix her, just as Tara said. I know that sucks...

 

She needs help, for her emotional issues, and addiction to weed. Depending on a drug for every stress in your life, as in to make you happy, isn't a good thing. She needs help, either a medical doctor can prescribe medicine for her depression or she needs to go to therapy.

 

It sucks seeing the one you love fall apart.

[todreaminblue]

I absolutely hate what weed does, it destroys a person so completely it destroys everyone around them........it smells like bat crap and turns lives into piles of bat crap......

 

you cant fix your gf you can only advise her to seek addiction therapy before it gets too late........weed will destroy any chance you have at a happy relationship and you know it....she needs to realize that and want to fix what she can, to be happy with you without the pot..best wishes....deb

[Toddbt12y1]

I absolutely hate what weed does, it destroys a person so completely it destroys everyone around them........it smells like bat crap and turns lives into piles of bat crap......

 

you cant fix your gf you can only advise her to seek addiction therapy before it gets too late........weed will destroy any chance you have at a happy relationship and you know it....she needs to realize that and want to fix what she can, to be happy with you without the pot..best wishes....deb

 

My ex once before wanted to live out a fantasy; "run after me on the beach, after doing drugs, cake in her one hand, the other down her pants, smear said cake on me then make love"

 

She didn't like my deadset "no" but drugs are a mono...the rest -alright. Sadly, much like the OP I thought I could save her from a fate I never wanted her to experience. Unfortunately, she is or was with said druggies Guy whom she cheated with.

 

I do not know of her anymore to say if she's lived that childish fantasy of drugs out. In the end, words won't save your girl OP. Nor any action you take, other then convincing her to seek help.

[Emilia]

You are not a white knight in shining armour OP. Don't try to rescue people, especially not those that don't want to help themselves. I can see that you had family troubles in the past, you sound like a great and intelligent guy so I'm sure you understand when I think that your family background might affect what kind of women you pick. I think you should work out why you picked a girl who is a headcase. Why you want to be in a codependent relationship. It would be much better for you if you picked emotionally healthy women.

[Jim046]

She was not a head case before she started smoking. Like I said the first 2 months were absolutely the best 2 months of my life.

 

I guess I am a glutton for punishment. Things have been real good this whole week so far. I talked with her sunday and it might have done some good. Eventually I am going to bring up the weed again though.. I am an idiot.

[wisernow]

She was not a head case before she started smoking. Like I said the first 2 months were absolutely the best 2 months of my life.

 

I guess I am a glutton for punishment. Things have been real good this whole week so far. I talked with her sunday and it might have done some good. Eventually I am going to bring up the weed again though.. I am an idiot.

 

Of course the first two months were "absolutely the best" as your gf was on her best behavior in a new relationship. You should really believe the person she has been since those days. You have zero control over her behavior, she will do exactly what she wants. So, if you don't want a stoner girlfriend, you need to grow a pair, stop analyzing her, accept her for who she is, and dump her. And if you decide to stay with her, you need to just shut up and color, accept the mood swings and outbursts, cause that's what you've decided is acceptable gf material. It's really just that simple.

[veggirl]

You are basing sticking around with this girl who sounds like a mess because of a good TWO MONTHS?! Dude.

 

Your baseline for "good" is getting worse and worse, now you wanna stick around cause things were pretty good last week?

 

When you find yourself doing most or all of the work, its time to walk.

[todreaminblue]

My ex once before wanted to live out a fantasy; "run after me on the beach, after doing drugs, cake in her one hand, the other down her pants, smear said cake on me then make love"

 

She didn't like my deadset "no" but drugs are a mono...the rest -alright. Sadly, much like the OP I thought I could save her from a fate I never wanted her to experience. Unfortunately, she is or was with said druggies Guy whom she cheated with.

 

I do not know of her anymore to say if she's lived that childish fantasy of drugs out. In the end, words won't save your girl OP. Nor any action you take, other then convincing her to seek help.

 

 

drugs give an escape from reality for whatever reason normally it involves unhappiness..and not coping with reality....and when people come back down to earth that unhappiness is still there.....thats the sad part because now they have unhappiness plus an addiction....that causes a whole range of different dependencies, none of them healthy ...most of the people around me do drugs.....i dont.....because however hard reality gets for me...i would rather face it with rationality than a bong and a cone.........i have issues enough to deal with ...without an addictive destructive fantasy life........I could never go with another guy who used pot to smooth out the edges, its a slippery slope......i think the op has one chance of helping her, and that is to let her go till she seeks help herself and wants happiness to be in her not the bong......deb

[King_Crimson]

Ok, let me give a different perspective on this.

 

I smoke marijuana on occasion. I'm not crazy or addicted. It hasn't strangled up my mind and I've been smoking it for years (use to everyday, although I've slowed down considerably).

 

People react differently with different substances, it all depends on their personality. Obviously she's got emotional issues beyond this 'addiction' and the weed isn't mixing well with her. She needs to get some counseling, and you need to help her get there. I've been in situations like this before and it's not easy; they get defensive, think you're trying to hurt them, etc.

 

But you have to try. If she doesn't want to get help, and she doesn't get better, move on. You'll look down the road in a few months and be thankful you did. You can't save people and can only do so much; they have to and want to help themselves.

 

Good luck.

[wisernow]

Ok, let me give a different perspective on this.

 

I smoke marijuana on occasion. I'm not crazy or addicted. It hasn't strangled up my mind and I've been smoking it for years (use to everyday, although I've slowed down considerably).

 

People react differently with different substances, it all depends on their personality. Obviously she's got emotional issues beyond this 'addiction' and the weed isn't mixing well with her. She needs to get some counseling, and you need to help her get there. I've been in situations like this before and it's not easy; they get defensive, think you're trying to hurt them, etc.

 

But you have to try. If she doesn't want to get help, and she doesn't get better, move on. You'll look down the road in a few months and be thankful you did. You can't save people and can only do so much; they have to and want to help themselves.

 

Good luck.

 

I don't think the OP has issue with her smoking weed (as he likes to do it on occasion too). No, the real issue, is that she becomes a stark raving, ranting, crazy assed woman when she does. And you're right, people do react differently, sounds like this girl needs to find a new vice. Maybe pamprin and a wine cooler..

[Jim046]

I don't think the OP has issue with her smoking weed (as he likes to do it on occasion too). No, the real issue, is that she becomes a stark raving, ranting, crazy assed woman when she does. And you're right, people do react differently, sounds like this girl needs to find a new vice. Maybe pamprin and a wine cooler..

 

Ha yes!

I don't have any issue with anyone smoking. I have quit smoking with her though, to show my disapproval of her smoking.

 

We went to dinner last night, and she wanted to smoke on the way. Course I said something, basically asked why? It was your day off, I thought you used it for stress relief from work. She did exactly as the previous poster described and got defensive. Told her she was self medicating to try and cover up some other problem and it wasn't helping her in the least. I was too worn out to think or say much else.. She put it away and we had a great evening after that.