Jump to content

Met a guy (online) but he's acting strange?


Recommended Posts

befuddled11

Okay, so a seemingly nice guy responded to my online person ad (at a reputable personals site) a few days ago. Had he not contacted me, I would have surely contacted him because his profile was cool.....not a typical "salespitch"....he mentioned a lot of the same interests (home reno, gardening, spending time in the mountains, going to flea markets, etc), etc.

 

Now I'll be honest here......I don't have a lot of patience anymore, with this whole online thing.....have met far too many players, time-wasters, liars, dingdongs.....so I generally write someone off quickly if I get any "weird vibes" or they're one extreme (wayyyyyy too pushy, wanting to meet immediately) or the other (living in the same city but wanting to email for weeks before even talking on the phone). But I wonder if maybe I've been a little "too quick" to write off a few guys in the past. I guess I can't expect everyone to be as expressive or as communicative as I am (sharing info via email, or on the phone, about oneself) so maybe I need to cut a bit of slack?

 

Anyway, I see a few potential "red flags" but maybe I've just grown too cynical?

 

1) he's 39 yrs old. never married (no kids). Says his longest long term relationship was 6 yrs, and that ended in 1994. Says his LAST long term relationship ended this past June; it lasted 2 years. I might have misunderstood him, but I get the impression that these are the only 2 significant long term relationships he's had. He did say he'd been "close" to marrying once, but changed his mind (I didn't ask for details, none of my business).

 

2) Admittedly, he hates to type and isn't very good at it. He's not real fond of emailing back and forth.....says he finds it difficult to talk about himself. So after a few days, I suggested that if it would be easier for us to communicate, maybe we could just yap on the phone. He responded saying he was basically too shy at this point to do that. ??? This is a guy who's nearly 40....who has a pretty public career that requires him to be pretty outgoing and "non-shy" (public safety coordinator/inspector type job). My first thought when he gave me this excuse was, "uh huh....he's either married, living with someone or in a relationship and doesn't want to get busted being on the phone with another woman."

 

3) He says he's been off work this entire past week.......a week long vacation, just to catch up with stuff around the house and to relax. His biggest plan the past few days was to paint his kitchen. I love to paint, so I thought that was cool. Well that was Thursday. We'll write back and forth, but it takes him nearly a day to write back........he'll say he's so busy "touching up the paint" in his kitchen.....good god, I've painted every room in my house..I know what painting is about. It's not rocket science.....how many days does it take to "touch up the paint"??? BUT........I'll pop into the online personals place we met at (not to check up on him......just because I'm there to read my mail)...and he's almost always logged in there.

 

The "usual" me would just think, "screw it, this guy is playing games"......but I fear I may have been too hard on some possibly really nice guys in the past..so I'm trying to be less quick to jump to conclusions. Hell, I surely have nothing invested......I barely even know him. But I just don't want to waste my time telling more about myself to someone who might just be playing me. You see, seeing how he's not comfortable with getting to know more about each other by phone yet....I've asked him lots of simple little questions....things like, "what's your favorite type of movie?" "what's the last CD you bought?" "what's one of your biggest pet peeves." I've always found doing this has been well received by guys trying to get to know me/vice versa........it's kind of interesting and not too "deep." His answers are fairly brief..but maybe he's just not really big on typing?

 

So any ideas on how I can figure out as early as possible, whether he's playing games or maybe involved with someone already? (or getting to know many other women from this site at the same time). In my 5+ years of off and on use of these personals sites, I've yet to find a guy who's claimed to be "too shy" to talk on the phone after a week......it's so odd to me. If someone's that shy, wouldn't this method of getting to know someone be sort of silly? I mean.......you'll eventually be meeting a complete stranger you know nothing about.

 

Thoughts?

 

Thanks

Link to post
Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup

I definitely think something is up. You are right about all your observations, and especially with him being "too shy." Like you said, he's either got a girlfriend already, OR he's chasing someone on this dating site instead.

 

I'd move on and forget about him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
zarathustra

befuddled11, you cut through all the BS beautifully with that laser mind of yours. What can I add?

 

1st Red Flag: Peter Pan Syndrome? He's 39 and has had only 2 SOs. WTF? Can you say commitment phobic?

 

2nd Red Flag: Phone Shy? Please... If he was free, that is, not living with another woman, he'd have talked to you. If he was genuinely interested, he'd have phoned you. I infer from this that he's living with a wife or GF, and is playing you. And if he is too shy, I'd run in the other direction. This is 39 year old man, not a 21 year old kid.

 

3rd Red Flag--The "I'm Painting" Excuse. Again, the guy is not showing the requisite interest in you early in a potential relationship. I suspect he's already involved with someone and simply enjoys playing and collecting hearts. He's a man-tease.

 

I'd give him the old heave ho.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup
Originally posted by zarathustra

He's a man-tease.

 

Uh huh!

Link to post
Share on other sites
befuddled11

He wrote me back a bit ago....told me how he FINALLY finished painting his kitchen, "scrubbing the floors" and that he was then going to "have a warm bubble bath, order a pizza and cuddle-up and watch a movie." How many guys out there, who do have bubble baths by themselves (haha), would admit that to someone ? LMAO. And I'm someone who would DIE without my bathtub, but geez, for a guy who's too shy to talk on the phone, he's sure OPEN! LOL. And how does one cuddle-up by themself? Does he wrap his arms around himself and curl up in a ball? haha

Link to post
Share on other sites

"How many guys out there, who do have bubble baths by themselves (haha), would admit that to someone ?"

 

Actually, I think he used an abundance of discretion in not disclosing who he was going to cuddle up with. Are all men in Canada like this?

Link to post
Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD

befuddled11:

 

In your efforts to not waste time, you maybe moving alittle too fast. I understand, you want to cut out all the crap. But the problem with that is that you maybe reading into an innocent situation as being crap or a "weird vibe". Now, you shouldn't have any reservations about this guy, or some of the other guys you've spoke with, but nobody's perfect and you have to allow for quirks and imperfections in people.

 

Try not to get your hopes too high when you first meet someone that has alot in common with you, or even someone that you hit it off with for the first time. And there's nothing wrong with someone who lives in the same city as you wanting to e-mail you or IM you often before they give you their phone number. Especially if it's someone you met online. Yeah some of those people could be up to no good, but at the same time, some of them are probably just being cautious.

 

I LOVE the questions you ask the guys. And I like the fact that you want to start off talking about basic things. But again, don't allow your emotions to run ahead of you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He's 39 and has had only 2 SOs.

 

That she knows of. So far.

 

Phone Shy?

 

Could be anything. He could have a voice he's not proud of. He could even have a stutter. And some men hate talking on the phone.

 

Again, the guy is not showing the requisite interest in you early in a potential relationship.

 

It's only been 'a few days'!!!! There are plenty of men who don't leap right into constant contact and all the other accoutrements of a relationship. And maybe he's a lousy painter. Or maybe he has a huge house and a huge kitchen. And I've known a few men who actually preferred baths to showers.

 

Typing? He may do a lot of typing at work and is sick of it.

 

I don't think he's playing games. I think he's just not the sort to dive immediately into relationship behaviour. He, too, may have met a lot of 'cases' online and may be wondering whether you're another one of those. Maybe he'll see your pressing him for emails or calls as too clingy. Maybe he's been stalked and is very cautious. Maybe all sorts of things. It won't kill you to trade emails back and forth for a couple of weeks.

 

The thing is, something that might look like a warning sign can have a perfectly innocent cause that you hadn't thought of. If you assume too quickly, it's very possible to make a wrong assumption. At least wait until you've had a chance to meet him to assess him in person.

Link to post
Share on other sites
zarathustra
told me how he FINALLY finished painting his kitchen, "scrubbing the floors" and that he was then going to "have a warm bubble bath, order a pizza and cuddle-up and watch a movie."

 

 

These are classic companionate activities--especially on a Saturday night. But, hey, anything's possible.

 

This guy is too much. But it is an interesting mystery.

 

It sounds like he's trying to come across as Mr. Sensitive, but it just seems strange.

Link to post
Share on other sites

>>>So any ideas on how I can figure out as early as possible, whether he's playing games or maybe involved with someone already?<<<

 

I think you have to do one of two things:

1. Stop writing to him and let him seek you out.

2. Ask him out once - and only once - and see where it goes.

 

If he keeps giving you the runaround, forget him. There could be many reasons why he doesn't feel comfortable approaching you or opening up, and it doesn't mean that he's fooling around. It could be that he's just really insecure about dating, which makes sense considering that he's using the internet to get dates. Either way, your bottom line's going to be the same: if he's not comfortable opening up and getting to know you, then you're probably not going to enjoy getting to know him, right???

Link to post
Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup
Originally posted by amerikajin

>>>So any ideas on how I can figure out as early as possible, whether he's playing games or maybe involved with someone already?<<<

 

I think you have to do one of two things:

1. Stop writing to him and let him seek you out.

2. Ask him out once - and only once - and see where it goes.

 

If he keeps giving you the runaround, forget him. There could be many reasons why he doesn't feel comfortable approaching you or opening up, and it doesn't mean that he's fooling around. It could be that he's just really insecure about dating, which makes sense considering that he's using the internet to get dates. Either way, your bottom line's going to be the same: if he's not comfortable opening up and getting to know you, then you're probably not going to enjoy getting to know him, right???

 

This could be true, but he's not getting a date with her, because he's sitting on the fence making one excuse after another.

 

IF she gives him this kind of benefit of the doubt, I still think there is something "wrong" enough with this guy to just look elsewhere.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup
Originally posted by zarathustra

These are classic companionate activities--especially on a Saturday night. But, hey, anything's possible.

 

This guy is too much. But it is an interesting mystery.

 

It sounds like he's trying to come across as Mr. Sensitive, but it just seems strange.

 

 

Yeah, he's a mystery alright...one that's so not worth solving. LOL

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, if you want to follow the famous 'rules' adapted for the cyberworld, the guy gets four shots to ask for a date. Four emails ie. He writes you reply = one; repeat = 2 etc. Personally I think like all of those famous 'rules' there should be a little flexibility there, but it's not a bad idea. Note that the constaints weren't time limited (if your exchanges where not daily but there were little breather days in between the above could take a couple of weeks) they're just a protection against that endless exchanging in the virtual before you see the person in the flesh.

 

You don't usually know a man/womans favourite colour, level of education, family history, blood type and favorite type of bubble bath before you go for a drink with them and messing about on line when you could meet the person is always a bad sign.

Link to post
Share on other sites

There's really no way to know what this guy is all about just from chatting with him online. It sounds like you're expending far too much thought and energy wondering about what he's doing and thinking and trying to convey, without even knowing if he's worth the effort. For all you know you could be one of several people he is chatting with, and his piece-meal information and elusiveness could be do to trying to keep his contacts separate. If you're not getting the kind of feedback you are comfortable with, then my advice would be to tell him it's been nice chatting, so long, have a happy life, and move on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
befuddled11
Originally posted by moimeme

He's 39 and has had only 2 SOs.

 

That she knows of. So far.

 

Phone Shy?

 

Could be anything. He could have a voice he's not proud of. He could even have a stutter. And some men hate talking on the phone.

 

Again, the guy is not showing the requisite interest in you early in a potential relationship.

 

It's only been 'a few days'!!!! There are plenty of men who don't leap right into constant contact and all the other accoutrements of a relationship. And maybe he's a lousy painter. Or maybe he has a huge house and a huge kitchen. And I've known a few men who actually preferred baths to showers.

 

Typing? He may do a lot of typing at work and is sick of it.

 

I don't think he's playing games. I think he's just not the sort to dive immediately into relationship behaviour. He, too, may have met a lot of 'cases' online and may be wondering whether you're another one of those. Maybe he'll see your pressing him for emails or calls as too clingy. Maybe he's been stalked and is very cautious. Maybe all sorts of things. It won't kill you to trade emails back and forth for a couple of weeks.

 

The thing is, something that might look like a warning sign can have a perfectly innocent cause that you hadn't thought of. If you assume too quickly, it's very possible to make a wrong assumption. At least wait until you've had a chance to meet him to assess him in person.

 

Yes, maybe maybe maybe. That's why I'm posting, because I am quite quick to write someone off, and it occured to me that maybe sometimes I'm too quick.

 

To be truthful, with the "warm bubble bath" and "scrubbing the floors" and "cuddling up" and other comments (like telling me his favorite movie was On Golden Pond and how it made him cry big time)....I get the impression that he's quite 'smooth'....and he tries to charm women by coming across as "Mr Sensitive"..."Mr Boy He'd Make A Good Husband Because He Scrubs The Floors On A Saturday Night, Not To Mention Paints His Kitchen."

 

I was up anyway, on-call overnight..so at 1:30am, I logged into that personals site, and guess who was there?

 

Hey, I don't own the guy, he owes me diddly.....but I get the sense that he's a player. This isn't the "first" guy I've met who was "too shy" to talk on the phone. Truth be told, most guys detest emailing back and forth. Most guys don't know how to type above the two-finger pecking and it frustrates the hell out of them to take 45 minutes to type a few lines......a lot aren't the greatest spellers and don't like letting a potential date "see" that.........the very vast majority prefer to learn the basics about one another over the phone. That's been my experience, and it's not isolated. Some are so much the other extreme that you barely exchange a "hello" email and they're wanting you to phone them, OR they're suggesting you get together right away for a drink or dinner.

 

Some of the most shy guys I've met, you'd have never known it from our phone conversations. I can remember two guys.....who you'd have NEVER GUESSED they were shy, from how communicative and expressive they were on the phone...but on our 1st and 2nd date, I thought they were going to faint at the table, from sheer panic and shyness.....they were as white as ghosts and you could almost feel their legs shaking under the table.

 

My greatest concern is...........I would NOT want to be expending 5 seconds on someone who is quite possibly "already involved".....whether that's married, living with someone, in a non-living together relationship, etc.

 

Any time in the past that a guy's had a problem with talking on the phone and has made excuses about doing so, it's turned out that he was INVOLVED...and when confronted, did confess to being a swine.

 

Just recently, I received an email from a guy's WIFE.....2 summers ago, I'd met him through these personals. He seemed nice enough. Said he was divorced, had one teenaged son who didn't live with him, said his company was transferring him to my area.....we spoke on the phone briefly. He wanted to get together for coffee. There were no real "warning signs" that something was up. Turns out, he's been doing this for a few years now, and his wife found my email address in his address book..did some snooping around, says he's worked out of the country and has had tons of women he's contacted by email, one who even flew to meet him. As you can imagine, she's beside herself. She emailed me to ask if I was still in contact with him. Very nice lady. (in fact, I invited her here). I WOULD HAVE NEVER KNOWN!! I ended up not meeting him because the week we were to meet, I had to have my dear old cat put to sleep and I wasn't really in the mindset to meet anyone, and from our phone conversation, he seemed quite self-absorbed......But here we are, living proof. I would have never in a million years thought he was a liar, who had a wife....and not 1 kid, but 4 no less. My heart breaks for her. Now I'm even more leary about conversing with someone who could be married or involved.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Could also be he's an internet addict that doesn't want to unplug long enough to call. Could also be that he just leaves his machine logged on to that site - as I do with LS. Still, I'm not exactly sure why a person would choose to have a personals site as the site that he's always logged on to. Of all the things you've listed, I'm thinking this is where the red flag may be.

 

This may mean he hasn't got a spouse; he'd likely not want her to walk by and see that site on the screen 24/7.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup

Well, something strange is up with this one, Befuddled. I think you'd best go with your instincts about it.

 

 

IMO, he does have player written all over him. I just can't get over the fact that he's so devoted to this personals site on the net, yet is reluctant to taking it any further than that...not even a phone call. Anytime someone is secretive, or hesitant/reluctant to just about anything, I would suspect they are involved with someone else, just as you are leaning toward. I really can't think of anything other than that.

 

IF he were truly just shy, I would hope for the sake of himself, he would express that he was....it would surely explain a lot. I seriously doubt he is, though since he's telling you all these things that make him sound so sincere (makes him look like a damn player!). I think the only thing he's been painting is an image of what he wants you to take him as, which is this super sensitive guy.

 

As far as being logged into this site not being likely if he's living with someone or married, I wouldn't bet on it. I'm still married, and I am logged onto this site. All I have to do is click the X at the top of the screen, and it's no longer visible, although I am still "here".

Link to post
Share on other sites

IF he were truly just shy, I would hope for the sake of himself, he would express that he was....

 

He responded saying he was basically too shy at this point to do that

 

Befuddled, I return to my basic philosophy; there's no point in second-guessing people and judging them based on supposition. Communicate. Say to him 'I noticed you seem to always be logged on to the dating site - what's up with that?' and then see how he replies and if it rings true. No person is bright enough to think of all the possible reasons anybody would do anything; there are, potentially, perfectly valid reasons neither you nor any of us could conjure up in all this speculation. Bottom line is if you want to know something about a person, ask that person and then, if you feel you must, test the reply for validity.

 

In almost every situation in life, little can be gained by speculation based on tidbits of circumstance.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup

I still think the guy is a player, what more can I say?

 

Befuddled can determine that for herself, as she's the one that has reservations about the guy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
befuddled11

Moi,

That personals site is set up in such a way that people can't "sit idle" in there for more than 20 minutes or they will automatically be logged out. So it's not that he logs in there, then buggers off and really isn't "there." In order for him to show up as "there", he's got to be actively using the site (chatting, mailing, browsing).

 

He implied last night at 10pm that he was tired and going to bed...but then at 1:20am, he's surfing around there. Hey, it's no skin off my arse.....my feelings aren't hurt, I'm not angry at him. I'm just trying to be smart here so that I don't end up wasting my time with a player.

 

Based on his picture, he's a very good looking guy.....I'm sure he gets oodles of mail, which is great...but don't give me some lame-arsed excuse about being "too shy" to pick up a phone and converse.....that's BS. If you're a person that's TRULY 'that shy', what on earth are you doing using this medium to meet someone? I mean, if you don't like to email and complain that it takes you an hour to type one paragraph, and you are too shy to talk on the phone, then where is the point? Are you looking to actually meet someone, or are you just playing games? If you're too shy to talk on the phone, then surely you'll be crappin yer panties when it comes to the prospect of meeting in person. No? So then what's the point??

 

I don't know the answers, I'll likely never know them. But my gut says there's something fishy here. I will just not have any further communication with him. This has nothing at all to do with me being all bent out of shape because he's not communicating at the speed or by the method I prefer...it's about my concerns that he's not being straight about something. I have no hard feelings. No sleep will be lost on my part. I just thought it was a little odd.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup
Originally posted by befuddled11

Moi,

That personals site is set up in such a way that people can't "sit idle" in there for more than 20 minutes or they will automatically be logged out. So it's not that he logs in there, then buggers off and really isn't "there." In order for him to show up as "there", he's got to be actively using the site (chatting, mailing, browsing).

 

He implied last night at 10pm that he was tired and going to bed...but then at 1:20am, he's surfing around there. Hey, it's no skin off my arse.....my feelings aren't hurt, I'm not angry at him. I'm just trying to be smart here so that I don't end up wasting my time with a player.

 

Based on his picture, he's a very good looking guy.....I'm sure he gets oodles of mail, which is great...but don't give me some lame-arsed excuse about being "too shy" to pick up a phone and converse.....that's BS. If you're a person that's TRULY 'that shy', what on earth are you doing using this medium to meet someone? I mean, if you don't like to email and complain that it takes you an hour to type one paragraph, and you are too shy to talk on the phone, then where is the point? Are you looking to actually meet someone, or are you just playing games? If you're too shy to talk on the phone, then surely you'll be crappin yer panties when it comes to the prospect of meeting in person. No? So then what's the point??

 

I don't know the answers, I'll likely never know them. But my gut says there's something fishy here. I will just not have any further communication with him. This has nothing at all to do with me being all bent out of shape because he's not communicating at the speed or by the method I prefer...it's about my concerns that he's not being straight about something. I have no hard feelings. No sleep will be lost on my part. I just thought it was a little odd.

 

Actually, it was me that said he could sit idle at the site LOL.

 

My next question for you was going to be about his picture, etc. Does he "look" like someone who is shy, and do his actions indicate such.

 

From everything you are spelling out here, I think you are wise for dropping him like a hot potato.

 

Something just doesn't add up...either he's not interested in you, or he's just going around to see how many people's interests he can collect. Either way, you know that he's no longer worth your time and effort.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I mean, if you don't like to email and complain that it takes you an hour to type one paragraph,

 

Befuddled, this is sounding lots like my ex (ADD guy). If you're dyslexic it will take an hour to type a paragraph.

 

That personals site is set up in such a way that people can't "sit idle" in there for more than 20 minutes or they will automatically be logged out. So it's not that he logs in there, then buggers off and really isn't "there." In order for him to show up as "there", he's got to be actively using the site (chatting, mailing, browsing).

 

Oh well, then. That is definitely fishy - unless you two have some sort of Internet spiritual connection thing going on and happen to log in at the same time all the time.

I will just not have any further communication with him.

 

Yes, but once again, you're basing your decision on speculation. What could it hurt to ask the guy?

 

If you're a person that's TRULY 'that shy', what on earth are you doing using this medium to meet someone? I mean, if you don't like to email and complain that it takes you an hour to type one paragraph, and you are too shy to talk on the phone, then where is the point? Are you looking to actually meet someone, or are you just playing games? If you're too shy to talk on the phone, then surely you'll be crappin yer panties when it comes to the prospect of meeting in person. No? So then what's the point??

 

Excellent questions. Ask him. It might be interesting to hear the replies. Actually, if he's shy, it's easier to meet people from behind a computer but it's true that some communication is required. Maybe he sets up dates fairly quickly, but then where's your date? Anyway, copy that paragraph and send it in your next email with the pronouns changed appropriately. Find out from him what he says.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Miss_Prolixity

Just a theory.

 

From reading online posts and hearing a lot about the cyber world in the media and news, some married/coupled men and women get an ego boost by posting ads on dating sites to see how many replies they can get. But have no intention of taking it any further than e-mail and a few phone calls (although some do).

 

Not to say that some people aren't hesistant to take things slow and be cautious, but if you've been corresponding through e-mails for a few weeks or a month, I'd definitely think it's time for a phone call. E-mails can be too impersonal after while, there has to be more depth.

Link to post
Share on other sites
zarathustra

He told you his favorite movie is "On Golden Pond," and he's going to take a bubble bath and cuddle with himself?

 

This guy is so way over-the-top playing "Mr. I'm So Sensitive" that the whole ACT verges on parody--like a bad SNL skit.

 

I'm surprised he hasn't told you he has just adopted a Cambodian orphan.

 

He's good. :D:D:D

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...