Are we friends or lovers? whats going ON?!

[118unknown]

Lets start off with telling you abit about myself, Im a student and hoping to go university next year and in terms of past relationships Ive never really took it seriously. Ive always just thought of it as fun and messed around and did it for the experience - But recently I let my guards down and fell incredibly hard for this girl...

 

She's currently back from university after finishing first semester. But she's currently at first year of university and it takes around 2/3hours for me to reach her from where I live. I started seeing her a month before she was about to head off to university. It was all very unexpected, but we got on extremely well very quickly, which might be due to the fact that we both could share things that we wouldnt with our friends due to culture difference. We started seeing each other more and more and I took her on more and more dates but nothing was official. We started kissing, handing hands and eventually a week before she was about to head off to university I slept with her. We had the talk a day later as she wanted to know where she stands and I agreed on we wont do it again. But she still wanted to see me before she went off to university - Two days before we was about to go off - I took her star gazing and little did I know it, we just couldnt get our hands off each other and we slept together again. We didnt talk about afterwards. Then as time came by, she went off to university - before she went I gave her a CD (I like making CDs lol. how sad... but told her not to play it till her birthday) we hugged and kissed goodbye.

 

A couple of weeks later on her birthday, (note: we still maintained contact with one another) she phones me up at 4am crying down the phone and telling me "what have you done to me, I dont even know why I'm crying.... I miss you so much."

So I decided to pay her a visit in a couple of weeks.

I went over and she showed me off to her flatmates and we slept together. From then, I realised I miss her extremely much too but at the time I didnt know if I was in love with her or not. But I think for her, she did kiss me a lot and told me "she loves me alot". A couple of days later, we had the talk - She said "you do know I'm attached to you now right....?" and I REALLY regretfully and bluntly said "No..." and we mutually ended it as I believed that even though I cared for her that much, I didnt want to tie her down at university and wanted her to enjoy a full single university student life" But she still wanted to remain friends.

 

A week later, we were talking and somehow the conversation escalated to us both agreeing to go Paris..... it was quite late at night but we got the flights and accommodation all booked and payed for... she payed for it upfront, but I obviously payed her back first thing the next morning. At the time, I just didnt know what was going on? I was so confused as we broke up.... but didnt think much of it as it was not till another 3months till we go (february). We kept in contact and we began to talk to one another more and more like we were seeing each other again.

 

Wait. the story is more complicated than you think. During all this was happening, a guy in her class which they spend all time together, they have the same classes etc. Poured his heart out for her and said he wanted to be with her, he loves her, etc. And yes, she told me all this, but I just didn't make much of it as she's clever enough to know you shouldn't have a relationship with someone so close to you at university and if you break up everything will become awkward. Like sleeping with someone in your halls. She told me she didnt see him that way... and I trusted her, he kept on bugging her to go on a date with him being very pushy. So i reassured her and told her to go on a date with him, is nothing much if you dont see him that way. So they went on a date bla bla bla bla, they kissed at the end very awkwardly but I still didnt make anything of it even though the thought of it hurts - i still wanted her to enjoy university. As we weren't really official. But now they've cleared things up that they cant be together given their circumstances but he still have deep feelings for her. And she very close friends with him, shes even once invited him back - not done anything but 'drunkenly kissed' - I must admit. It hurt hearing it, but again, I didn't make anything of it and trusted her to make the right decisions as she wasnt officially my girlfriend.

 

Anyway, after the Paris booking incident we kept in contact for a few weeks before she came back and I picked her up from the train station. The feeling was some what weird.... like im not too sure. A good feeling. But just weird seeing her in face-to-face again. I didn't make much of it and just continued to holding hands, kissing etc. As if the break up didnt happen.

 

A few days later, I decided I wanted to ask her out as I am going to Paris with her right? the city of Romance and for couples - I just thought I would make the first move and ask her out. Little did I know when I said, "I really like you, we should give it a try"

She gave me a response I would not ever of even dreamt of:

"....I think we should go to Paris as friends...."

"...You need to move on.... and Replace me...."

"I love you... I really really do.... and I miss you.... but if we have a long distance relationship, and if it gets complicated... and we broke up... I cant lose you. I really cant lose you..."

Right then: I was absolutely speechless and I was just like WHAT THE **** IS GOING ON - i was extremely confused, angry, hurt? I couldnt describe the feeling but the feeling of rejection and her telling me she loves me but she cant be with me confused the hell out of me. Also, the fact she says you should move on; what if I did? if so, do you think is ok for my gf to let me to go paris with you? where we're staying in a double bed??!! I was just absolutely speechless....

 

A couple of days later, I was extremely hurt... but I played it cool and talked to her and agreed on being friends. I didnt say much afterwards. However, a few days later just before christmas i decided to go over and give her the xmas present I got for her (note: I got this before i decided to ask her out - so i thought i cant waste my effort so decided to give it to her anyway - and said to her not to make much of it) She broke down in tears! and said no one has ever been so nice to me.... little did we know it we were kissing again. There was moments of hesitations from her but I know she still loves me so I guess she let me continue. Before things heated up, we had the talk again.... I explained to her that i understand that "timing is terribly and that distance is not good either" but why not make the most of it? while we still can. We're young and we can afford to make naive decisions, we can look back at it in the future and say at least we gave it a try and knowing we did give it a go rather than I regret not doing so. I then asked her "do you love me?" and she replied "I cant help it..." and I know she does! before anything thing could happen I decided it was time to go, and I left her with a big long hug and a kiss on the lips. Later that night we spoke normally and she told me: "I love you" note that this girl is sentimental, and is one of those 'long term' relationship girl, shes classy and is a real keeper! haha, I do honestly have fallen for her... But everything is just so confusing?

 

A week ago I met up with her again, but she seemed very closed... we talked, we laugh, I tried holding her hands but she just seemed really far away... I tried kissing her and she didnt respond as I dropped her home.

 

Right now, I have to concentrate on my exams and not really think too much about this but I CANT?! I cant get this out of my head, its effecting me.... and yes Ive told her "she is a distraction to me" and she is.... I really have deep feelings for her to a point where I can't concentrate...

We still talk but should I ignore her? till I finish my exams? Should I cancel the trip to Paris and move on? Should I keep trying to get her back?

She heading back to university next week - should I say goodbye to her at the train station? If so what should i do>?

 

Im just really really confused at the moment, any feedback thats relevant and helpful will be very much appreciated. Thank you for reading up to this far.

[HARPER100]

Firstly, I think you were playing a dangerous game by suggesting she should go out on a date with another guy and pretending to not care when you found out about the kiss. What is she supposed to think? That you only see her as a friend and nothing more?

 

Based on what you wrote it looks like she may not be as interested as you or at least has more doubts about a relationship working.

"she seemed very closed...", "i tried kissing her and she didn't respond..."

 

As to what you do now I think there is only one course of action. You find out her true feeling and if she genuinely loves you, and you her, you need to decide whether a long distance relationship is going to work or not. It may be a difficult conversation but if you don't lay it on the line and find out I can see this ending badly for you down the line, especially if you try and be friends when you have feelings for her.

[118unknown]

Im quite stubborn and so is she...

I just didn't want to admit I was jealous as I just viewed it as if I did say it, that the guy has won... like she can use him to get back at me. Thats why I didnt admit it.

 

I will eventually sort everything out and come out with a conclusion after Paris, but it seems like the best thing to do now its just pretend nothing has happened and just be friends. If I fall out with her now it would be extremely awkward for us to go to Paris together and I dont want to ruin the whole 'Romantic culture' of Paris for her.

[HARPER100]

Everything seems to be happening on her terms. You need to stop putting her needs ahead of you're own and think about what is best for you now and in the future.

 

Paris may sound great but what if by the time you go she has met someone else? That is going to be a lousy week.

[rys]

First of all you must thank me for reading this post hahaha kiddin'. You must be so confused right now.

 

Secondly, do well on your exam.

 

Thirdly, she comes hot/cold bec she might be falling too hard for you, too. If she's showing she's cool , "we're friends" vibe-she might be controlling herself. She's not intentionally playing eith your emotions but she's saving something for herself. I think she's sincere when she says she loves you. She's a keeper. Please don't ignore her. Just say politely you have an exam. Go to Paris and yes, drop her off at the train station. But ask first before doing it. If she said no, ask again haha if it's a no, then it's a no.

Edited January 5, 2013 by rys

[118unknown]

Everything seems to be happening on her terms. You need to stop putting her needs ahead of you're own and think about what is best for you now and in the future.

 

Paris may sound great but what if by the time you go she has met someone else? That is going to be a lousy week.

 

Shes not actually pushy at all, she lets me decide majority of things and her being a typical girl and not telling me her feelings leaves me guessing most of the time - and its literally impossible to actually know what she wants?!

 

Anyway, I think regardless what happens, I will remain friends with her even though not like as close friends as we could possibly have been - but thank you for the advice!

 

I think we both mutually know that we have tied each other down till Paris, its unspoken - but we both know that. lol

[118unknown]

First of all you must thank me for reading this post hahaha kiddin'. You must be so confused right now.

 

Secondly, do well on your exam.

 

Thirdly, she comes hot/cold bec she might be falling too hard for you, too. If she's showing she's cool , "we're friends" vibe-she might be controlling herself. She's not intentionally playing eith your emotions but she's saving something for herself. I think she's sincere when she says she loves you. She's a keeper. Please don't ignore her. Just say politely you have an exam. Go to Paris and yes, drop her off at the train station. But ask first before doing it. If she said no, ask again haha if it's a no, then it's a no.

 

haha, thankyouuuuuuuuuuu.

 

What I personally think is that she cares about me alot, and is resisting herself till I finish my exams, because she knows how important these exams are to me as Im retaking the year - I CANNOT screw up. Also, I did kinda say "shes a distraction to me.." knowing shes a clever girl she probably picked up on it and shes now kinda knows i wanna be left alone till i finish my exams?

 

Oh im cant drop her off due to location, but I can surprise her at the train station by saying 'goodbye' ? I just dont know what I should do.... just a big long hug and a kiss on the forehead? and say I will miss you. See you next month?

[rys]

Ok. I hope another LS member can help you with this. A 2nd opinion. Haha.

 

But a hug will be good. For me, if a guy kisses me on my forehead, I would think he doesnt like me and seals it with a kiss (on the forehead).

 

What do you want to make her feel? If you want to say " take care. Im your uncle", then yes, you kiss her forehead. Haha

[118unknown]

Ok. I hope another LS member can help you with this. A 2nd opinion. Haha.

 

But a hug will be good. For me, if a guy kisses me on my forehead, I would think he doesnt like me and seals it with a kiss (on the forehead).

 

What do you want to make her feel? If you want to say " take care. Im your uncle", then yes, you kiss her forehead. Haha

 

LOL. Im in one hell of a complicated situation. haha,

 

Okay, okay just a hug then haha -

[rys]

Then, yes, tell her you would like to see her again. Im sensing that you like her but would like to keep your studies your priority at the moment (?)

[118unknown]

Yeah I do, a lot. OF course! education is the main priory right now, I dont want to be a worthless tramp in the streets haha, im very motivated and I want to strive for success in life.

Just want to ask a question.

Why do you think she wanted to go Paris with me? after we broke up a week before... Im still really confused about that :?

[soccerrprp]

Sorry, dude. At best, she is uncertain it seems. This Paris trip is problematic in my mind. Can you find a friend to ask? I mean, what if she is giving you just enough to go on the Paris trip? What if, when you get there, she is uninterested and the trip becomes awkward?

 

If I were you, I would cancel the trip. Or as asked earlier, go with another friend. I would hate for you to be hurt to find out after the trip that she is wanting to move on w/o you.

 

Many years ago, I was in a similar situation. (but different). Went on a trip to Africa together, became intimate, but proved to be a sad experience and more painful in the end.

 

Good luck.

[118unknown]

Sorry, dude. At best, she is uncertain it seems. This Paris trip is problematic in my mind. Can you find a friend to ask? I mean, what if she is giving you just enough to go on the Paris trip? What if, when you get there, she is uninterested and the trip becomes awkward?

 

If I were you, I would cancel the trip. Or as asked earlier, go with another friend. I would hate for you to be hurt to find out after the trip that she is wanting to move on w/o you.

 

Many years ago, I was in a similar situation. (but different). Went on a trip to Africa together, became intimate, but proved to be a sad experience and more painful in the end.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for responding. I kinda do... but I kinda dont... I still really like her... and plus I dont think is financially possible for either of us to cancel the trip! (we are students!haha) it would be a waste! I think I would definitely piss her off If I told her I want to change the trip and go with someone else and vice versa. We havent spoken of it, but we both mutually know that we cant be with anyone else till after Paris.

 

I know both her and me would love to go to Paris together! Im very confident things wouldn't be awkward, we hardly even argue and if we do - I take control and the situation is quickly resolved. I hate being sad, im a positive person.

 

What happened with your story? I would love to hear it.

Think about this, did you guys have the best time of your life on the trip?