When someone treats you like you're incompetent...

[SpiralOut]

I work with someone who treats me like I'm incompetent. I'm getting really tired of it and feel like I need to do something soon.

 

Basically she breathes down my neck about how I do my job. She is NOT my supervisor. For example, I had to train someone. I have trained someone before by myself and he did a good job. There was no problem at all with it. Yet with this person she looked over my shoulder the whole time, constantly questioning me IN FRONT OF the trainee why am I teaching her that, oh why haven't you taught her that yet? You should teach her that first. You should teach her this now. Why did you tell her that? Etc, etc, etc. It felt like she was trying to take over the task that was assigned to me, which makes no sense because I have done nothing to show that I'm incapable of teaching someone something. Worst of all, when the trainee started asking her questions, she told her stuff that was wrong!! I had to intervene and make sure things were being done properly because it would have been ME who got blamed for any mistakes this person made.

 

Another example is just stuff she says to me on a daily basis. "Why are you doing that? Why didn't you do this?" There is more than one way of doing things. Most of the time, I'm not even doing anything wrong. She nitpicks at the smallest details. Sometimes she questions and corrects me about a particular method I use for a task that I do, that she does not have to do. It has no effect on her, it has no effect on my job performance. It is ridiculous.

 

Today she questioned me about something I was about to do. She was trying to make sure I was doing it properly. But that makes no sense because I've been doing it for a year without incident. I have no idea why she would think that she needs to check up on me. I ended up saying to her "I would not be doing this unless I had a good reason to"

 

"Oh," she said.

 

 

She also asked me to do her job for her, to help her. I had time so I said sure, and did it. She then corrected me on it, telling me "oh I do it that way when I do it." I just said "um okay well that's how I did it." When I said that she acted as if I had just said something stupid. Well, if you don't like how I do it, do it yourself. It's your job, not mine. Holy crap!! Basically the issue was I printed out more papers than necessary. When someone helps you, don't you think it makes more sense to just let that slide, throw out the extra papers and say "thank you,"? That's what I think!

 

How would you deal with a person like this? I am sick of constantly explaining myself to her!! And of course when I DO make a mistake I feel stupid about it because she obviously was just watching and waiting for me to mess up. Oh and by the way she makes tons of mistakes herself, and sometimes she'll do things wrong on purpose.

Edited October 22, 2012 by SpiralOut

[Feelin Frisky]

If she is not "responsible" for your performance as in you being under her authority in a hierarchy then she is asserting authority over you that is not hers to exercise. This has to be a judgement call on your part now--not only do you have to consider how she'll take you asking to speak with her about this but also how you will take it if she gives you some crap that could be a last straw in which case you may make yourself look like the aggressor.

 

Personally I believe in documenting issues--not necessarily passing memos on about each issue, but clearly journaling the issues so you don't forget them if you have to escalate this into a supervised conflict. At some point you should probably speak to your supervisor about this person's irritating assertion of authority she doesn't have and the feeling of oppressive criticism it brings up in you. You might want to say that at this point you don't want to make an official complaint, just advise your supervisor that there is an ongoing source of annoyance coming from this person. Sometimes you'll find that the supervisor will tell you that they already know this person's manner (by way of it happening with others), which may be somewhat comforting. If your supervisor has no such knowledge, then you have to know that you are on your own and ask if you should work it out with her or if the supervisor should handle it.

 

I've worked in all sorts of capacities that involve this kind of stuff and you can never be sure that it is going to resolve amicably. Even supervisors might have terrible skills. Find out what the organizational pecking order is and if you might have anyone in there who'll take your part. But always start out treading softly but getting it right and to me that means journaling to help you document the multiple implications so if or when it comes to confrontation you can hit home runs with runners on base instead of just singles you can erase with a double play of poor articulation or reasoning.

[Imported]

You need to put them in their place. You should have done it already. I work together with my peers, I don't take orders from them.

[KathyM]

You need to be more assertive with this person. I know what you're going through, because I've dealt with this type before. People who try to make someone else look incompetent because they are either jealous that you have a better job than them, or if they are on the same level as you, they want to point out your mistakes or make it seem like you're making mistakes (even if you aren't) just so they can impress the boss with their "higher level of skills and competence". I would suggest you stay away from this woman as much as possible and ignore her. She has an agenda, and it's to make you look bad in order to elevate herself in the company. Don't ask for her help or advice on anything. Don't explain to her how you are doing your job or why you are doing something the way you do. You are giving her too much power over you. If she asks for your help (undoubtedly as a guise to find fault with how you do things), then I would suggest making comments to preempt her, such as saying "I know you can figure that out, Minnie (or whatever her name is), and you'd probably want to do this your own way anyway, so you should think about how you would do this." Or, "I have my own way of doing my work, which probably isn't going to be the same as what you would prefer, so you may want to ask someone else for input." If she's interfering in how you are training someone, then say something along the lines of "Excuse me, but I prefer to train Johnny in the way I like to do things, and I know my way may be different from somebody else's, but it works well for me." And then don't let her continue to interfere. Interrupt her if she tries to interfere again.

[River Rain]

I would try to resolve it with her before escalating it. I'd mention it to your supervisor and tell him/her you would like to talk to her first before he/she gets involved.

 

Then take your co-worker aside and calmly give her some examples of what she's done and that it makes you feel incompetent when in fact you are doing your job well. Remind her that you don't answer to her but that you'd prefer not to bring this to your supervisor's attention. Depending on her maturity level, she may not accept what you have to say because she sounds like a major control freak.

 

If she makes things more difficult for you, then the supervisor should hopefully step in. Good luck, I hope it works out.

[SpiralOut]

If she is not "responsible" for your performance as in you being under her authority in a hierarchy then she is asserting authority over you that is not hers to exercise. This has to be a judgement call on your part now--not only do you have to consider how she'll take you asking to speak with her about this but also how you will take it if she gives you some crap that could be a last straw in which case you may make yourself look like the aggressor.

 

Personally I believe in documenting issues--not necessarily passing memos on about each issue, but clearly journaling the issues so you don't forget them if you have to escalate this into a supervised conflict. At some point you should probably speak to your supervisor about this person's irritating assertion of authority she doesn't have and the feeling of oppressive criticism it brings up in you.

 

Thanks. I guess I should start documenting things. I didn't think to mention it to a supervisor; I work for a company that basically expects people to manage themselves, without assigning an actual supervisor (we don't even have an official supervisor for our department). But I'll think about doing that.

 

You need to be more assertive with this person. I know what you're going through, because I've dealt with this type before. People who try to make someone else look incompetent because they are either jealous that you have a better job than them, or if they are on the same level as you, they want to point out your mistakes or make it seem like you're making mistakes (even if you aren't) just so they can impress the boss with their "higher level of skills and competence". I would suggest you stay away from this woman as much as possible and ignore her. She has an agenda, and it's to make you look bad in order to elevate herself in the company. Don't ask for her help or advice on anything. Don't explain to her how you are doing your job or why you are doing something the way you do. You are giving her too much power over you. If she asks for your help (undoubtedly as a guise to find fault with how you do things), then I would suggest making comments to preempt her, such as saying "I know you can figure that out, Minnie (or whatever her name is), and you'd probably want to do this your own way anyway, so you should think about how you would do this." Or, "I have my own way of doing my work, which probably isn't going to be the same as what you would prefer, so you may want to ask someone else for input." If she's interfering in how you are training someone, then say something along the lines of "Excuse me, but I prefer to train Johnny in the way I like to do things, and I know my way may be different from somebody else's, but it works well for me." And then don't let her continue to interfere. Interrupt her if she tries to interfere again.

 

Yeah I agree. I have told her many times before "this is how I was trained to do it," or "this is how I choose to do things." When I was training someone I had to explain myself four times in a row to her "this is how I do it." I just repeated myself over and over until finally she backed off.

 

I think next time she asks me "why are you doing that that way" I will just ask her why is she so concerned?

 

Funny what you said about her asking me to do something as a way of criticizing me. I really think that's true! Today was the first time this has ever happened. It pissed me off so much that I decided next time she asks, I'll tell her that I know she has a very particular way of doing things and I don't do things the same way so maybe she should do it herself or ask someone else for help.

 

I feel like she's relentless, just looking for new ways to push me around to see what I'll put up with. She has attempted to kick me off of the workdesk that is assigned especially for me at a certain time each day. I don't let her do that. She has tried several times and each time I say "but this is the time of day when I use it."

 

ARGH!! The worst thing is that she's really whiny!! She whines at me about why did I do that or why didn't I do this. It's really obnoxious!

 

Someone else told her off last week because she was criticizing us for not being fast enough.

 

 

I would try to resolve it with her before escalating it. I'd mention it to your supervisor and tell him/her you would like to talk to her first before he/she gets involved.

 

Then take your co-worker aside and calmly give her some examples of what she's done and that it makes you feel incompetent when in fact you are doing your job well. Remind her that you don't answer to her but that you'd prefer not to bring this to your supervisor's attention. Depending on her maturity level, she may not accept what you have to say because she sounds like a major control freak.

 

If she makes things more difficult for you, then the supervisor should hopefully step in. Good luck, I hope it works out.

 

Oh yes she is a major control freak. I don't think talking to her that way would work. I don't have to explain to her that I do my job well. And if she doesn't understand or agree with something I say she just goes "okay you don't understand me" and walks away.

 

Oh god it's nice to know I'm not imagining this all.

[threebyfate]

"Look. You do your job and I'll do mine. Unless you're given the right to manage me by upper management, I'd suggest that in future, you keep your nose out of my business. Thanks." *smiles pleasantly*

[SpiralOut]

Haha thanks

 

I just remembered something she asked me one time. It was a long time ago but it still stands out in my mind for me. Three of us were talking about someone's family member who had just gotten a house, and what the house was like, etc. Just all of a sudden she asked me "SpiralOut how much is the rent at your apartment?"

 

 

What? This woman lives in a house with her husband, she's not looking to move into a 1bdrm apartment. Furthermore, there was absolutely NO reference to me or my place in the conversation, so this question just came out of nowhere. Why is she asking me this?

 

I told her I don't want to talk about that. "oh ok. .. . . . . what??" she said. I told her again I don't want to talk about that. She asked me why not. I told her umm because that's personal. Lol.

 

Here I've been spending the whole year pretty much liking her, but I don't think she likes me too much. Why else would she ask me a question like that, combined with her control freak behaviour towards me. Ugh. I really don't like this.

 

Anyway don't mind me ranting. I needed to vent about that.

[SpiralOut]

Okay, I think she is just really rude and does not care at all about anything.

 

Today she accused me of losing something of hers. I told her I did not and gave a brief explanation as to how that is completely impossible. She ignored me and insisted that I did it. I told her um that makes no sense. There is no way I could have done that because that's not something that I would do.

 

She sat there and did not say a word back to me.

 

Ten minutes later I found it. It was on her desk. Someone else had put it there. I picked it up and told her I found it.

 

"Found what?"

"That paper you were looking for, remember the one that you said that I took and lost? It was sitting right here the whole time."

"Oh okay."

 

.....................................

 

 

"I told you that I had not touched it," I said, feeling irritated. What the hell is wrong with her that she has nothing to say, just pretending like our previous conversation never happened? She had nothing to say. No apology whatsoever. She's clearly got an attitude problem that has nothing to do with me.

 

I think I can deal with her more easily now that I see her for the way she is.