How to continue

[Asje]

I met my bf about a year ago. We were soon very much involved, had a lot of contact and everything seemed to go fine (almost perfect in fact). In fact i thought it was the best relation i ever had. We were both a bit out of our comfort zone but we did have very much fun on all fields. He complimented me a lot, we had a lot of sex, we held hands all the time, even alone at home, everything seemed great

 

A few months ago i discovered by accident he was still on a dating site. He was not very explicitely flirting (like making dates), but nevertheless he was clearly leading women on. I was shocked and confronted him with it. He did'nt think too much of it and said it was just a way to spend time and it didn't reflect on us. I'm quite a strong woman and of course did'nt accepted his explanations. I doubted, but decided to give him a second chance (there was no real dating etc and we did have a fun relationship).

A few weeks I was away for two weeks and when i came back i discovered the messages had continued (on another forum) and even where more explicit (like online text sex). I was very shocked and was ready to end it. After much consideration i decided to go for a third and final chance (the reason being in fact that i thought it was an addiction of hime (he was at it for a few years and previous gf allowed it).

 

Since that time, i found nothing suspicious anymore (and believe me i've been looking). However, my alarmbel is off and is continuosly going off. The second he is not with me i'm suspecting the worse and i'm checking his messages and activity .... and that's horrifying because my confidence (with was good) is going down rapidly. I did not think i would ever be one of those gf's who wants to check all the time and it makes me feel bad. Mostly i don't understand at all what he was doing in these messages as he claims to be happy, wanted to move in with me etc etc.

The behaviour and words don't match.

So i started digging a bit deeper and i discovered older messages (going back to the first few months of our relation) from him to previous sexpartners where he claims that although i'm beautiful is totally not attrated to me (au contraire). The messages are quite explicit (with personal details about me). Also he posts regulary photo's of us together. If one of his 'admirers' makes a genuine comment like 'you look so happy' he either ignore the comments or answers something in the style 'yes she is a nice girl'. Not really convincing.

I must admit some of the comments are posistive, like 'im content with my life,', 'she helped me turn my life around', she's great smart, i wouldn't mind if she were pregant etc.

 

I can't help but feel very much lied to. Commeting positively to me, saying i'm beautfiful, we had sex almost every single day etc., and doing the reverse to his 'friends". I confronted him with this and at least he didn't lie this time. He admitted it was true, there is no attraction but he does love me, likes our life etc etc. Although he's not attracted to me, he finds there to be a horny interaction which suffices.

Basically his conclusion: these messages are not an actual reflection about our relation, you're highlighting the negative side, our life is good together, you're the first woman ever i commited to (we're in our thirties) and i want to build a life together, he falls for my intellect, eyes, humor etc... lust and phyical attraction is not important, why do you (me) keep looking for bad stuff

 

 

My conclusion: I'm so confused....i know i'm not a topmodel, but i always saw my positive points and found myself quite seducive. I totally can not understand why he would have sex with me every single day if he's not attracted or why he would continue the relation (and move in etc) if there is no attraction. He claims he wanted to give things a chance because everything else was fine (referring to 80/20 rule) and how much good moments we would have missed if he would have made attraction an important pointL

Since i discovered it i have difficulties to bringing myself to even touch him (we had sex three times since and it was horrible thinking about his comments)...behaviour and words don't match. I've got a strong feeling he's settling, but he denies that strongly, but i don't now if and how to continue... it all feels like an illusion now.

Sometimes, i just think it's just and ego thing from him that he's not willing to admit to he's just happy to the world and like to continue keeping some women wanting him. I really feel he's not genuine and maybe he's just not able to be genuine. It sometimes seems to me he has in his mind the idea that he is super handsome and has the right to have some kind of supermodel by his side, but due to circomstances has not achieved this. If i look at his previous partners, none of them are super handsome but they are skinnier than me. Some of his sex partners were even quite ugly (he was not very picky for a period of time. He even claims that he was not attracted to one of his previous gf's who was quite sexy. He claims he's only attracted to very fit girls (the picture i'm getting is women with teenage bodies). It seems like he can't get over himself and is somehow living in a fantasy world.

 

Should i end this ?

Should i continue (and how can i leave this behind me)?

[Asje]

I certainy understand your point.

I'm actually having more problems with the lies than with the attraction.

I'm just devasted that he would make such comments to strangers and leaving me totally in oblivion. I just feel there is no more honesty and i can't trust him anymore.