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eleanorhurting

my boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 months and while it has had lots of very good moments, it has not been exactly smooth. I don't know if it is his inexperience or what but he frequently says things that I consider insensitive and I usually get upset about them and overreact (I am a drama queen as he calls me). Well last night he said something and I am posting about it here before overreacting.

 

When we started dating he had this thing that whenever I did something he did not like or he found questionable he would say "whoa red flag!". Eventually it started bothering me. I felt like I was being scrutinized and it made me feel insecure in the relationship. I mean if you are already with me why are you still looking for red flags? Or if you are, why are you letting me know? I just felt weird about it but maybe these are my own insecurities talking.

 

I eventually let him know that the red flag comments bothered me and made me feel uncomfortable. I guess he understood although he usually takes my objections to things like this as part of my "drama queen behavior".

 

The thing is that last night, he said it again! It bothered me so much. What happened was that we were talking about a suggestion that someone at another medical forum that I post in gave me for a program that I should apply to next year (I am a medical student). I didn't k now he posted in that forum until recently and I never told him my username although I eventually found him because his username is very obvious and I saw it in a thread.

 

When we were beginning to date, I had a lot of reservations about whether or not it would be smart to begin a relationship 1 year before applying to residencies and choosing where we would want to go. One of my friends told me I should go for it anyway and that worst case scenario if we are still together we should couple match. So I started a thread on this website about what it would be like to couple match for someone who is in psychiatry and someone who is going into a much more competitive specialty like my boyfriend. I admit maybe it was premature but I was really worried about the what ifs when we were beginning to date because I was not even sure if it was smart to proceed. I never said "I am going to couples match" I just asked what it is like and how it affects both couples (p.s. couples match is when two people apply to programs together so that you are not separated).

 

So my boyfriend decided to look at the forum, find my user name and he found the thread. I was having dinner with my friends and he sent me a message with the title of the thread and said Trololololol. Then he said "have a good dinner hon". I tried to laugh it off.

 

However, after I went to dinner I went to sleep right away and I woke up around midnight with a text from him saying :" we were not even officially in a relationship when you wrote that. That is definitely a red flag".

 

...

 

Maybe he is right but I just dont understand why he goes on with the "red flag" thing after I told him it bothers me.

 

I don't know if I should let it go or tell him again how much it bothers me. And I don't understand why he keeps bringing it up. I mean he already brought it up in a joking manner while I was having dinner with my friends, does he have to keep bringing it up?

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Maybe he is right but I just dont understand why he goes on with the "red flag" thing after I told him it bothers me.

 

Because he thinks it is funny... I don't think he is doing it to hurt you and think he doesn't really understand how it hurts you to hear that..

I get you had a talk with him, I think he still thinks it is funny and that trumps it.

Just time to straighten it out some.." hey honey.. the other night you texted the red flag comment to me.. you know how that comment cuts and how it makes me feel..please stop using that phrase.. and I mean it.. otherwise you still using it after knowing how I feel will be a real red flag... to me" ...

 

Okay you could not say the real red flag thing.. but you get the idea..

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my boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 months and while it has had lots of very good moments, it has not been exactly smooth. I don't know if it is his inexperience or what but he frequently says things that I consider insensitive and I usually get upset about them and overreact (I am a drama queen as he calls me). Well last night he said something and I am posting about it here before overreacting.

 

When we started dating he had this thing that whenever I did something he did not like or he found questionable he would say "whoa red flag!". Eventually it started bothering me. I felt like I was being scrutinized and it made me feel insecure in the relationship. I mean if you are already with me why are you still looking for red flags? Or if you are, why are you letting me know? I just felt weird about it but maybe these are my own insecurities talking.

 

I eventually let him know that the red flag comments bothered me and made me feel uncomfortable. I guess he understood although he usually takes my objections to things like this as part of my "drama queen behavior".

 

The thing is that last night, he said it again! It bothered me so much. What happened was that we were talking about a suggestion that someone at another medical forum that I post in gave me for a program that I should apply to next year (I am a medical student). I didn't k now he posted in that forum until recently and I never told him my username although I eventually found him because his username is very obvious and I saw it in a thread.

 

When we were beginning to date, I had a lot of reservations about whether or not it would be smart to begin a relationship 1 year before applying to residencies and choosing where we would want to go. One of my friends told me I should go for it anyway and that worst case scenario if we are still together we should couple match. So I started a thread on this website about what it would be like to couple match for someone who is in psychiatry and someone who is going into a much more competitive specialty like my boyfriend. I admit maybe it was premature but I was really worried about the what ifs when we were beginning to date because I was not even sure if it was smart to proceed. I never said "I am going to couples match" I just asked what it is like and how it affects both couples (p.s. couples match is when two people apply to programs together so that you are not separated).

 

So my boyfriend decided to look at the forum, find my user name and he found the thread. I was having dinner with my friends and he sent me a message with the title of the thread and said Trololololol. Then he said "have a good dinner hon". I tried to laugh it off.

 

However, after I went to dinner I went to sleep right away and I woke up around midnight with a text from him saying :" we were not even officially in a relationship when you wrote that. That is definitely a red flag".

 

...

 

Maybe he is right but I just dont understand why he goes on with the "red flag" thing after I told him it bothers me.

 

I don't know if I should let it go or tell him again how much it bothers me. And I don't understand why he keeps bringing it up. I mean he already brought it up in a joking manner while I was having dinner with my friends, does he have to keep bringing it up?

Sounds to me like a bit of a 'control' thing...

If it annoys you now, and you're (traditionally) 5 minutes late walking up the aisle, is he going to turn round and tell you "that's a red flag, honey...." or if you go into labour 6 days early, is that another one...?

Or you're late due to traffic, picking him up at the station, and he's on the sidewalk, tapping his watch and climbs into the car, saying, "Hi honey, well, twenty minutes late - how much of a red flag is THAT - ?!"...

 

Get the picture?

Isn't HIS behaviour - a red flag for you?

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eleanorhurting
Sounds to me like a bit of a 'control' thing...

If it annoys you now, and you're (traditionally) 5 minutes late walking up the aisle, is he going to turn round and tell you "that's a red flag, honey...." or if you go into labour 6 days early, is that another one...?

Or you're late due to traffic, picking him up at the station, and he's on the sidewalk, tapping his watch and climbs into the car, saying, "Hi honey, well, twenty minutes late - how much of a red flag is THAT - ?!"...

 

Get the picture?

Isn't HIS behaviour - a red flag for you?

 

It is. I do think he thinks it is very funny but yeah the fact that he still says it is just another example of how he can be slightly insensitive at times.

 

I am just going to let it slide for now or maybe say something nicely without putting a lot of importance to it but I'm not going to create an issue out of it.

 

Thanks for giving non-pee related answers

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eleanorhurting
Because he thinks it is funny... I don't think he is doing it to hurt you and think he doesn't really understand how it hurts you to hear that..

I get you had a talk with him, I think he still thinks it is funny and that trumps it.

Just time to straighten it out some.." hey honey.. the other night you texted the red flag comment to me.. you know how that comment cuts and how it makes me feel..please stop using that phrase.. and I mean it.. otherwise you still using it after knowing how I feel will be a real red flag... to me" ...

 

Okay you could not say the real red flag thing.. but you get the idea..

 

I think this is the issue in our relationship. Its like he is not even aware of how some of his comments can be taken the wrong way. But he is like that in life in general too. I don't think he is a bad guy and I don't think he says the things he says maliciously but its not like this is the first time he's had that type of problem for saying things that are not appropriate.

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Seems like you're in a catch-22, eleanor. He's "trained" you not to raise concerns in the relationship for fear of being called a "drama queen."

 

To me, that's a red flag.

 

You've already mentioned to him that you're not happy about his use of the terminology. How many requests do you have to make before he takes it on board?

 

In itself, it's probably not a dumpable offence. However, it's one of those behaviours that when added to everything else, makes someone a difficult person to be with in the long-term.

 

However, given that you've yet to agree that this is a relationship and your lives are still up in the air until you're more settled location-wise, perhaps this will all iron itself out in the end.

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eleanorhurting
Seems like you're in a catch-22, eleanor. He's "trained" you not to raise concerns in the relationship for fear of being called a "drama queen."

 

To me, that's a red flag.

 

You've already mentioned to him that you're not happy about his use of the terminology. How many requests do you have to make before he takes it on board?

 

In itself, it's probably not a dumpable offence. However, it's one of those behaviours that when added to everything else, makes someone a difficult person to be with in the long-term.

 

However, given that you've yet to agree that this is a relationship and your lives are still up in the air until you're more settled location-wise, perhaps this will all iron itself out in the end.

 

is that a typo? We are definitely in a relationship! But yeah none of us know for sure what is going to happen next year. We might end up close to each other, we might not. If we don't, we would like to make it work long distance. But who knows what will happen really. Maybe we will realize that we are better off. I definitely enjoy the time we have together but I don't think either of us sees this as a very serious relationship in which we are planning our future together because of the uncertainty of what is going to happen next year.

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is that a typo? We are definitely in a relationship! But yeah none of us know for sure what is going to happen next year. We might end up close to each other, we might not. If we don't, we would like to make it work long distance. But who knows what will happen really. Maybe we will realize that we are better off. I definitely enjoy the time we have together but I don't think either of us sees this as a very serious relationship in which we are planning our future together because of the uncertainty of what is going to happen next year.

 

Sorry, eleanor, the way I read the bit where you mention the forum post and his response to it indicated to me that you were not in a relationship. That is, I thought it referred to the current status of your situation.

 

If I read it wrong, apologies!

 

If you're both approaching it as not that serious (yet), then I think that's quite sensible.

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It does sound like he is saying this to keep you insecure while masking it as a joke. But he keeps doing it because it works, and you let it work. So if you really want to counter it, take it to the next level, own the name. Next time he says "whoa red flag" smash it in his face, say "Damn right Weasel, and the drama queen is gonna wrap your head in the red flag!" And give him a demeaning nickname that he wont like, like Weasel. I guarantee you he will cut the shyt if he knows thats coming, or he will tell you how much he doesnt like the name weasel, then he will be more open to understand how you feel.

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eleanorhurting
Sorry, eleanor, the way I read the bit where you mention the forum post and his response to it indicated to me that you were not in a relationship. That is, I thought it referred to the current status of your situation.

 

If I read it wrong, apologies!

 

If you're both approaching it as not that serious (yet), then I think that's quite sensible.

 

We were not in an official relationship when I wrote that post we had just started dating. We have officially been in a relationship since May 1. And none of us were dating other people since the beginning when we started dating in March. I would not say it is a "casual" relationship but I think we are both realistic in that given the circumstances neither of us is expecting this relationship to head toward marriage or anything like it for a very, long time, if ever. Its very soon anyway.

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I'll be honest. I don't like it. The control thing mentioned? Yes. I think it is a strategy to undermine you. To keep the upper hand.

 

I can see that it may seem 'odd' (to a MAN) to have been thinking ahead the way you did, but to me it's a) practical and sensible, and b) your business.

 

To criticise you in that way is harsh. If you're happy together (if HE'S happy) then all that crap back at day one means nothing. I wasn't 100% sure about my boyfriend across dates 1-3, couldn't relax in to it, now I'm utterly smitten. He knows I was unsure, and knows I love the bones of him now. He'd never call me on something from back then.

 

I am not sure, from what you have portrayed, that this guy is 100% committed to you and I think he definitely needs to feel that you're more in to him than he is to you, which is possible but you would have a better feel for that than I would from your post :)

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I think it's time for YOU to step up in maturity.

 

I'm NOT saying that this is your fault. I don't like this "red flag" commenting either. I agree that he has you in a place where you won't feel comfortable talking about things that trouble you in your relationship with him.

 

But, you are a self described drama queen. So, that is where I am thinking the step up is needed.

 

Can you find a strong place within yourself to tap into when it's time to address something that is a serious concern with him? This would mean to try your best to leave the emotional and dramatic parts out of the conversation. I know it's not possible to leave it ALL out, but being able to communicate clearly about sensitive subjects is part of maturity. (I'm old enough to be your mommy and I still struggle with that.)

 

Having really good eye contact and maybe even physical contact, touching somehow, can be helpful for this. You would have to stay the course and keep the conversation on what you needed to discuss in spite of any efforts on his part to deflect it. I'm sure these "red flag" comments are not the only tools he has to avoid uncomfortable, emotionally delicate subject matter with you. You'll have to really woman up and let him know that you do actually really need to talk.

 

That is general advice, pretty much.

 

Regarding this particular "red flag" comment, I actually think I understand where what he read could actually really come off as one. Putting myself in his shoes, I think I'd find it disconcerting to be faced with the fact that a person I'd just started dating was entertaining thoughts of merging life paths.

 

That said - I understand your pov in that as well. There is not anything wrong with thinking about options and what might lie ahead when starting out with dating somebody.

 

Anyway, between this and your other recent thread about his "silent treatment," I really do think that it is time for you to sit down and have a very mature, calm, and deep conversation with your boyfriend about some things.

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eleanorhurting
I think it's time for YOU to step up in maturity.

 

I'm NOT saying that this is your fault. I don't like this "red flag" commenting either. I agree that he has you in a place where you won't feel comfortable talking about things that trouble you in your relationship with him.

 

But, you are a self described drama queen. So, that is where I am thinking the step up is needed.

 

Can you find a strong place within yourself to tap into when it's time to address something that is a serious concern with him? This would mean to try your best to leave the emotional and dramatic parts out of the conversation. I know it's not possible to leave it ALL out, but being able to communicate clearly about sensitive subjects is part of maturity. (I'm old enough to be your mommy and I still struggle with that.)

 

Having really good eye contact and maybe even physical contact, touching somehow, can be helpful for this. You would have to stay the course and keep the conversation on what you needed to discuss in spite of any efforts on his part to deflect it. I'm sure these "red flag" comments are not the only tools he has to avoid uncomfortable, emotionally delicate subject matter with you. You'll have to really woman up and let him know that you do actually really need to talk.

 

That is general advice, pretty much.

 

Regarding this particular "red flag" comment, I actually think I understand where what he read could actually really come off as one. Putting myself in his shoes, I think I'd find it disconcerting to be faced with the fact that a person I'd just started dating was entertaining thoughts of merging life paths.

 

That said - I understand your pov in that as well. There is not anything wrong with thinking about options and what might lie ahead when starting out with dating somebody.

 

Anyway, between this and your other recent thread about his "silent treatment," I really do think that it is time for you to sit down and have a very mature, calm, and deep conversation with your boyfriend about some things.

I do think this is an opportunity for me to grow which is why i am trying to stay cool, calm and collected about it. i agree that what i did may have been a red flag but what i dont understand is why he brought it up more than once yesterday when we already had the "we are not going to couples match" talk a while back. i just felt it was insensitive. i feel like he was almost making fun of me.

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I do think this is an opportunity for me to grow which is why i am trying to stay cool, calm and collected about it. i agree that what i did may have been a red flag but what i dont understand is why he brought it up more than once yesterday when we already had the "we are not going to couples match" talk a while back. i just felt it was insensitive. i feel like he was almost making fun of me.

 

I agree with all of that, and this is why you need to have a talk, and he NEEDS to put the effort in to understanding you. If he wants to be a good boyfriend for you.

 

If he doesn't - then I think you need to re-assess.

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He probably wants you to get in on the little joke. He probably expects you to shoot back a little "red flag" alert of your own as a way to playfully tell him to shut up. Or tell him that the red flag comments kind of make you feel like having sex with a random stranger. Ask him if he thinks that is also a red flag. That will teach him.

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Originally Posted by johan

Or tell him that the red flag comments kind of make you feel like having sex with a random stranger. Ask him if he thinks that is also a red flag. That will teach him.

That's exactly the kind of thing I'd do!! :laugh:
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It sounds like if you both have complaints about each other and see "red flags", then you shouldn't be with him and same with him.

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It sounds to me like he's playing the Push-Pull game. Emotionally unavailable people often do this -- whenever they feel themselves getting close to another person, they need to push them away because they aren't capable of any real emotional intimacy.

 

It's not a conscious thing and he doesn't even realize he's doing it, but subconsciously he's afraid (or incapable) of being emotionally close to anyone.

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I'm sure he isn't doing the "red-flag" thing to hurt you. it's obviously habitual in his head and sometimes doesn't have a filter. Also.. he does sound a bit insensitive, just sayin'.

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However, after I went to dinner I went to sleep right away and I woke up around midnight with a text from him saying :" we were not even officially in a relationship when you wrote that. That is definitely a red flag".

 

...

 

Maybe he is right but I just dont understand why he goes on with the "red flag" thing after I told him it bothers me.

 

I don't know if I should let it go or tell him again how much it bothers me. And I don't understand why he keeps bringing it up. I mean he already brought it up in a joking manner while I was having dinner with my friends, does he have to keep bringing it up?

 

If he keeps bringing it up, it is an unresolved issue for him. Delve deeper, and talk it out.

 

What is with the texting? Why don't you have a conversation about it?

 

When he says "red flag", I'd be tempted to respond with an exaggerated eye roll and "Drama queen!" And then ask him if the issue is really bothering him, and ask him to talk to you about it. Basically, I would underreact to the "red flag" comments (hopefully extinguishing them, eventually), and redirect to a proper, adult discussion of the issue (modeling more appropriate communication).

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I'm confused about the latest red flag thing...was he serious or was he joking around? does he really think it is a red flag (currently) that you posted that months ago? I am slow today I think :o

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There are two sides to this.

  1. When you agitate for drama in relationships, it's like crying wolf where he no longer takes your concerns into consideration, particularly when there are no repercussions to any of your expressed concerns.
  2. But when he's stopped listening, invalidating and essentially ignoring your vulnerabilities, using them for his entertainment, it's time to heave-ho.

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eleanorhurting

So I decided to call him earlier today. I was nice and asked about the concert he went to last night and he asked about my sushi with my friends and then I said:

 

Me: Fred, i wanted to talk to you about what you said last night. About the post from X forum.

 

He started laughing

 

Me: Why are you laughing?? You know how much it bothers me when you say "red flag"

 

him: I am sorry I think the post was hilarious. Besides, you were making fun of me this week I am making fun of you now. Its my turn. (this is true I did tease him this week heavily because of something he did)

 

me: OK that was one time! But you have said the red flag thing a bunch of times and it really bothers me and you know it does. I feel like you are laughing at me!

 

him: You are right honey I am sorry I am not laughing at you I am laughing with you. I won't do it again.

 

that is a paraphrase but it was something like that

 

Then we just went on talking like nothing had happened and as has happened in the past when I have asserted myself about what I want with him, he has been extra attentive today sending me texts calling me precious and we talked on the phone for like 40 minutes which is really unusual for us because Fred is not a huge fan of talking on the phone for prolonged periods of time.

 

So some of you guys were right maybe he thinks its really funny but I am still glad I voiced how I feel about it.

 

What i learned from this: I was able to compose myself and react to something without being a "drama queen" and it turned out well (for now!).

 

My boyfriend can be insensitive and he does have a different sense of humor from mine but I am starting to realize he responds positively when I do it in a calmed and collected manner.

 

To the person who said we should break up, yes there are things that he does not like about me and there are things he does not like about me but I don't think I am ever going to find someone who I absolutely love to the point that nothing about them ever bothers me. I feel like if we don't work out int he long run I am learning how to manage conflicts in a more assertive manner than I have in the past.

 

Thanks for your advice everyone. I really hope the red flag thing does not come up again (or anything else)

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eleanorhurting
It sounds to me like he's playing the Push-Pull game. Emotionally unavailable people often do this -- whenever they feel themselves getting close to another person, they need to push them away because they aren't capable of any real emotional intimacy.

 

It's not a conscious thing and he doesn't even realize he's doing it, but subconsciously he's afraid (or incapable) of being emotionally close to anyone.

 

This could be true. I think he was very awkward during his teens/college years. His first kiss was at 24 and he's only been with one person before me and I have never really understood why they broke up. He says there was no chemistry but I have a feeling it was because she tried to get too close too soon (saying I love you and things like that very early on).

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