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What makes someone become the other woman?


ImperfectionisBeauty

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ImperfectionisBeauty

So I know I posted my question earlier and got a ton of helpful replies but it made me think, how does someone become the other woman? If you are one how do you feel? What kind of relationship do you have with the husband? Do you consider being in other relationships while with the other man? Do you think bad karma will make your relationships harder in the future? I just wonder because it fascinates me even though I decided it is best for my own mental and emotional state to not get involved with a taken man.

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So I know I posted my question earlier and got a ton of helpful replies but it made me think, how does someone become the other woman?
People become the OW in a lot of different scenarios, ways, and reasons. I'm pretty sure there's a variety of unique ways to become the OW.

 

At the heart of it, probably we are in a vulnerable situation in our lives when the affair begins (even if we do not see us being in a vulnerable situation).

Probably we want to feel Special to Someone! And trust me, a MM has to achieve THAT if he is to get another woman to look at him when he is already taken... he goes full out to make you feel special and to say the right things to you, which make it seem okay for you to go ahead and get involved with him. In my case, MM said to me I must worry about my H, and HE would 'handle' his W, when I asked him why he would cheat on his W. It wasn't a real answer and I knew it, but basically, he was telling me he would handle THAT side of things, so that I wouldn't need to worry about my doing that to another woman... that it was for HIM to take care of, not me.

 

If you are one how do you feel? What kind of relationship do you have with the husband? Do you consider being in other relationships while with the other man? Do you think bad karma will make your relationships harder in the future? I just wonder because it fascinates me even though I decided it is best for my own mental and emotional state to not get involved with a taken man.
I feel it's a dead-end street. The relationship I had with the MM was pretty much when it was convenient for him to see me, when he wanted to, then he did... to begin with it was several times a week for years. It dwindled down to once or twice a week.

 

The relationship was nice for what it was -- a friend who loved you, and would look out for you, and to have conversations with, and sex. Someone to love.

No, I didn't consider being in other relationships while with him, because I am a one-man woman... even though married myself, H and I are 'separated' but just not legally... we don't live together. We don't have sex. We keep in touch, and do things for the household and kids. My time was taken up with thoughts of the other man.

 

No, not 'bad karma making other R harder' but just reality, and real consequences... think about it, what kind of a future man would want you if he found out you had been in a cheating R with a MM? He'd think you were 'one of those women' who could do such a thing, and worse. A good man would think twice before getting seriously involved with you if he know you apparently had no respect for someone else's marriage, and apparently were content with so little for yourself, that you accepted breadcrumbs from a MM. This is your own made Karma, which you bring upon yourself with crumby decisions.

I'm glad you decided to avoid that road.

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So I know I posted my question earlier and got a ton of helpful replies but it made me think, how does someone become the other woman? If you are one how do you feel? What kind of relationship do you have with the husband? Do you consider being in other relationships while with the other man? Do you think bad karma will make your relationships harder in the future? I just wonder because it fascinates me even though I decided it is best for my own mental and emotional state to not get involved with a taken man.

 

First of all, good decision!

 

For me, I didn't see it coming. In fact, he had even made some slightly inappropriate comments, and I thought to myself, "eww, disgusting. Nothing would ever happen with this man even if we were single. It was bizarre how it happened. I enjoyed the attention and his company (when it was not inappropriate).

 

Anyway, I felt hooked. But I also felt disgusted with myself. The battle of trying to stop started immediately. As soon as I realized it was more than a friendly co worker situation. That's part of what is so hard. You know you're a strong person and you've seen people who are stuck somewhere they shouldnt be and you constantly ask yourself how you became that person, and where did the person go who you know you really are. You stop trusting yourself or your ability to make descisions and you become obsessed with getting in or out. He doesn't want to let you out so he tells you everything you need to hear to hang on for the chance of "in". You start to think that this madness means you love him and you belong together. Not to mention he sees what you need and continues delivering so he can get what he needs. It's a vicious cycle of self doubt, mistrust, guilt, regret, confusion, sleepless nights, pain, anger, etc. I can go on. It's terrible. Don't ever get caught off guard and always be aware that it can be a possibility with anyone.

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Temporary Insanity!

 

No, but seriously, I have to agree with LeeLou about being vulnerable.

 

I definitly was in spite of being in amazing physical shape, making an excellent income at the time. However, I was lonely.

 

It would seem that being vulnerable is often picked up on by certain types.

 

I would hope bad karma won't affect any possible future relationship.

 

I have seen the error of my ways and I am an exOW. If anyone is making a future relationship harder, it would be myself. I have some trust issues, now that I've been an OW.

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Summer Breeze
So I know I posted my question earlier and got a ton of helpful replies but it made me think, how does someone become the other woman? If you are one how do you feel? What kind of relationship do you have with the husband? Do you consider being in other relationships while with the other man? Do you think bad karma will make your relationships harder in the future? I just wonder because it fascinates me even though I decided it is best for my own mental and emotional state to not get involved with a taken man.

 

I met someone and after knowing him and family members for a number of years there was a fondness. Neither crossed the line for a long time and then something triggered him to. Nothing was done accidentally and we talked it almost to death. I wasn't vulnerable--I fell in love and I made the choice to do what I did. I gave him every reason and opportunity to walk away from what he was suggesting and he still went ahead.

 

I don't know what you mean about a R with the H. I was single but not sure if that's what you mean. I continued to date throughout the A. At one point I ended things because there was someone I thought could be serious but he moved abroad for work.

 

I don't believe in Karma. People have good things happen and bad things happen. If I believed in Karma how could I explain me as a mid 20s mother of a toddler being betrayed by her WS (now xH)? I didn't do anything to deserve that. Life is good and life is bad.

 

I've never had a problem with any R that it's been brought up in. People judge about all sorts of things and if someone isn't going to accept me for what I am then off they go.

 

I never set out to get involved with a MM. It took a long time to happen and it wasn't entered into lightly by either of us.

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So I know I posted my question earlier and got a ton of helpful replies but it made me think, how does someone become the other woman? If you are one how do you feel? What kind of relationship do you have with the husband? Do you consider being in other relationships while with the other man? Do you think bad karma will make your relationships harder in the future? I just wonder because it fascinates me even though I decided it is best for my own mental and emotional state to not get involved with a taken man.

 

I was an OW. It was a conscious choice I made. I chose it because it was what I wanted. I felt great. I would not have gone for it if it did not add value to my life. My life was great and I wanted something that would enhance, rather than detract, from that. Which this did. I had and still have a wonderful R with "the husband" even though he is now my husband. I did have other Rs in the beginning before we got really serious, and from then on we were completely exclusive with each other. As for "karma", it's been the reverse. The lessons we learned through the A have stood us in great stead to provide our R with a solid foundation of honesty, authenticity, clear and comprehensive communication and deep and abiding respect and affection, as well as really strong Rs with family and friends.

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with my xMM, i didn't *choose* to go after him. in fact, i didn't. we were friends, then close friends and then well that saying goes, love is friendship set on fire. i had in him what LFH found in hers. i absolutely did not know for a good month after we started seeing each other that way that he had a gf and had she not called in the middle of our dinner together, i likely wouldn't have at least not for a while. it would've come up. he would've ultimately told me, but it would've been a moot point cuz neither one of us wanted to end what we found.

 

that moment, yes, i had a choice to not continue . . . or did i? we were both deeply attached to each other. in hindsight, i really wish i had been able to say, look, you have a gf. end things with her and then we can try this." i didn't. so what happened after was that in order to spend time with me, he would turn off his phone.

 

what was once a loving, caring relationship became the most toxic, damaging thing i've ever been through. i wouldn't recommend it to anyone!

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Summer Breeze
This is an excellent point. Affairs are the best romantic relationship because they filter out the mundane crap of daily living. No messy kids, no diarrhea, no money issues, and most importantly "not in your face 24/7". This is a prescription for the good things romance has to offer. Furthermore, meetings are sporadic and the hurdles fuel the intensity of the romance. The deal is never done and this keeps the flame,

 

 

 

This is also a very good point. Many OWs give up the traditional role of wife for the more mysterious role of the OW. Quite often they have already been married and are a bit older so there is no need to dream about the house, the picket fence, the two kids, and the dog.

 

It is hard to argue with the above, however, this only works for women that are happy as OWs.

 

I had the house (as well as a condo in Tampa and a timeshare in Spain), no picket fence just 50 acres of land, 1 kid and no pets. I've never looked for anyone else to give me my happy ever afters and if I didn't find your comments so laced with ignorance I'd probably find them pretty offensive.

 

Maybe you should suggest legislation any single or D woman over child bearing age just jump off a cliff and save the MM of the world easy targets. We're obviously not able to have happy lives or have anything to dream of in our futures. Broad brush you're using there Peter.

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I was vulnerable, had soft boundaries and was attracted to him. Even with my soft boundaries, I would not date someone who was married but when he told me he was separated, I was in. I fell hard and fast for him, had no idea until years later that he lied about being separated, (he was not). A few months into it he comes up with what sounded like very good reasons that he had to go back to the marriage, but he promised he would not stay. (I had no idea he had never left.) So I rationalized that it was OK to keep seeing him because I believed he would not stay. It didn't take long for it to become too painful and I felt him backtracking on leaving but he had a hundred excuses. Eventually I walked, I couldn't take it anymore.

 

A few years later.......I hear from him again. He told me that he had moved, separated, the whole nine yards. We start dating, now a long distance relationship. We date for almost 2 years, I had no idea that he again, was still married. When the truth came out, I was devastated. He took my choices away with his lies. I would have never signed up to be the ow either time if he had been truthful.

 

Now hell would have to freeze over before I'd date a separated man. In other words it ain't happening.

 

I'm better and wiser because of it, but I wish it had been a different path to get there.

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People become OW for a variety of reasons..this question can be answered in many different ways and approached from various angles.

 

In short, it seems most simply want to be with this taken person and choose at some point to ignore the fact that they're otherwise taken.

 

That's the simplest reason IMO. Whether it's a case of: an A suits my life, he and his spouse are roommates anyway, I don't want him to leave, he's leaving anyway, I don't mind being a sister wife, I'd rather have him than not have him..the list goes on. The point is, you become the OW when you decide you want to be with someone and you decide their marital status is unimportant to that end, or you decide to proceed in spite of that.

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I think low self esteem plays a huge part in becoming an OW. These women think they are not worth more than being the side dish.

 

Sane women want to be the wives for many reasons, usually because they want children and they love the idea of not having to date anymore.

 

I am a sexy vixen of a wife; nails done, hair done, nice clothes and HOT lingerie. It helps that there will be no babies to compromise the time I have.

 

A friend of mine is a wife and mother of two. When she sees me coming from the nail shop, she makes some snide remark about how it "must be nice" to have that kind of time. I just grin and say "Oh, it's amazing! Childfree marriage is just divine! You must try it!" :laugh:

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I think it is possible to have low self esteem and be completely unaware. In fact, sometimes low self esteem folks project the exact opposite.

 

Excessive concern with appearance (vanity) is a form of low self esteem.

 

I am not saying you have low self esteem, but it must be a consideration. Furthermore, you always tend to project confidence.

 

Nevertheless, one must also assume that a very happy OW may be compensating.

 

This is true.

 

Low self worth as well as low self esteem are not always the caricature of some sad, hideous, mousy person with averted eyes, who speaks in a low tone and who we can point to as someone who "obviously lacks self esteem".

 

Even gorgeous, celebrity women, who men would cut off their arms to be with, who seem confident, who "have it all" can suffer from insecurity and low self worth.

 

It doesn't often show up in ways we think, but often it shows up in self-sabotaging choices and is often more insidious.

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I was vulnerable, had soft boundaries and was attracted to him. Even with my soft boundaries, I would not date someone who was married but when he told me he was separated, I was in. I fell hard and fast for him, had no idea until years later that he lied about being separated, (he was not). A few months into it he comes up with what sounded like very good reasons that he had to go back to the marriage, but he promised he would not stay. (I had no idea he had never left.) So I rationalized that it was OK to keep seeing him because I believed he would not stay. It didn't take long for it to become too painful and I felt him backtracking on leaving but he had a hundred excuses. Eventually I walked, I couldn't take it anymore.

 

A few years later.......I hear from him again. He told me that he had moved, separated, the whole nine yards. We start dating, now a long distance relationship. We date for almost 2 years, I had no idea that he again, was still married. When the truth came out, I was devastated. He took my choices away with his lies. I would have never signed up to be the ow either time if he had been truthful.

 

Now hell would have to freeze over before I'd date a separated man. In other words it ain't happening.

 

I'm better and wiser because of it, but I wish it had been a different path to get there.

 

 

Really? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I would never NOT tell any of my affair partners I was married. I know MM lie about their status to get laid, but if I was were having a realtionship or ONS I wanted them to know so they were all in. I have only been with a married (but at the time seperated woman) once and she told her husband who told my wife. My OW had bad marriage expierences, no interest in full time realtionship. She loves being my OW, no fuss no muss.

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Affairs are about married people that are looking for strange.

 

Perhaps in your case, I don't know your story. In my case i did not have to go looking for "strange", I was married to it! Strangest I've ever met, to be honest. Normal was such a relief after all that strange.

 

My affair was about respect, intimacy, affection, caring, intellectual stimulation, enjoyment, authenticity, playfulness, satisfaction, resolution, facing challenges as a team, sharing, loving, learning, giving, receiving, self-actualisation and connection. Perhaps you should have chosen your affair partner more carefully?

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So I know I posted my question earlier and got a ton of helpful replies but it made me think, how does someone become the other woman? If you are one how do you feel? What kind of relationship do you have with the husband? Do you consider being in other relationships while with the other man? Do you think bad karma will make your relationships harder in the future? I just wonder because it fascinates me even though I decided it is best for my own mental and emotional state to not get involved with a taken man.

 

I know this was directed at other women, but perhaps as a former "other man" my input will be tolerated.

 

I became "the other man" because I was young, flattered by the attention of an older woman, and because I had a "white knight" syndrome (family of origin issues, yes) that made me feel obliged to ride out and save women who were (or claimed to be) suffering distress at the hands of men.

 

My earliest sexual experiences had been at the hands of older women, as a schoolboy with a Saturday job at the local supermarket, and I'd heard all their stories about spousal neglect and lack of interest over the blow jobs I'd gratefully received and the guided tours of the female anatomy I eagerly participated in. So this full-on (drunken, it must be admitted) attention from a very disturbed older woman did not send me running for the hills but appealed to the white knight who sought to rescue this broken woman and restore her to full emotional and physical health, whereupon she'd profess gratitude to me for slaying her marital dragons and pledge loyalty and love to me and we'd ride off into the sunset. I spent more than 30 years trying to slay the dragons in her head before I realised that she bred them faster than they could be slayed, and that she had no real wish to heal or be emotionally well, but as a young boy I lacked that emotional maturity or insight to realise that they mental health skills required were way beyond any I could ever muster.

 

I felt desperate, inadequate, constantly trying harder and harder, and my youthful self-confidence and self-esteem were progressively eroded. Long after he had kicked her out and she was living with me full-time I still felt (or was still made to feel, since she openly told me repeatedly over the years) that I was not worthy of her, that my best efforts constantly fell short, and that I was "part of the problem" rather than the solution. Or later, that I was the problem. So my relationship with her was always tentative, always trying and hoping for a positive reception, always prepared to receive a tongue-lashing for failing, but motivated by that to try harder. Co-narcissist was how my counsellor described it later. I certainly did not consider other relationships during that time, nor for decades after she was with me full-time (not until my own affair) because all of my efforts were focused on her.

 

I'm not altogether sure what you mean by karma. I am an atheist and do not believe in reincarnation. But if you mean in the colloquial sense that this relationship history may affect future relationships, yes it did. My self-esteem had taken a bad hit and I struggled to break free of the toxic relationship and only succeeded through having an affair of my own, and with the input of a good counsellor.

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