Wtf do I do?

[ConfusedAsAlways]

It's called "Love-Shyness", and I'm not the one with it. I've had an online relationship with a man for awhile, even having cyber sex... He's 27, and still a virgin, and lives on the opposite side of the country. He's never even kissed a woman, so he tells me. And he's not this way due to any religious reasons, and HS, he's super attractive and nice, smart, etc.

 

We didn't meet on an online dating site or anything like that. We "met" through a forum and then he followed me to my blog that has nothing to do with dating.

 

I figured he had this type of shyness, as there is *nothing* wrong with him. I've read up on this Love Shyness thing, which I have heard of in the past. "Be assertive". Check. But then he'll say I "talk about sex too much", while he wants to pick out a toy online and have me use it via cyber sex with him. Both statements can't be true... What gives? I even told him he has nothing to lose. Free CS with a woman who is REAL? What man would give that up?

 

"Don't be too pushy". Check. I sent him an email telling him I didn't understand all of this, and that he didn't need to worry about me rejecting him if he had this certain Love Shyness aspect to it, but that I didn't understand how I could talk too much about sex while he wants to have CS. Said I was confused. I find this Love Shyness and him being a virgin quite attractive and cute, honestly.

 

I can handle being the "aggressive one", no problem.

 

But, obviously, when the other person is so "shy" as he claims (he never heard of Love Shyness), it makes the other person (me) question if or why he likes me, which he said he did indeed like me very much. This easily could have changed since I told him he might have "this disorder". I know a lot about medical disorders, and while being Love Shy isn't listed as a disorder in any DSM or ICD book, I know he dislikes when I "diagnose" people, even though I enough history to diagnose people. Online, no, of course not, and I know that. It's not that I said, "You definitely have this". I said, "I think you might have this...".

 

My instincts tell me I'm not here to "fix" another man. This is exhausting.

 

The last sentence of my email said, my instinct tells me to just leave him alone. I wasn't home/on IM, and when I came back, he said he owed me a response. I said, don't bother, as I wasn't expecting one. He said it would take him a while, hours perhaps, and I said, then seriously, don't even bother!

 

I'm exhausted, confused, and just got out of a long relationship. Is this even worth it? I'm tired of having to analyze people. I'm beginning to doubt that any "normal" men exist... And it's like I have to put in ALL of this effort, and I don't reap any benefits. I even joined one of these Love Shyness forums and I haven't posted, but all I read were men saying "I wish women would be assertive".

 

I've done that, so clearly the thought arises, "Well, PERHAPS he isn't into you", and I've asked him that and even said I felt a bit used by the CS, which only happened once or twice, and he said he did like me, quite a lot.

 

WHAT GIVES?

 

I'm about to give up on dating!

[yeahyeahyeah]

Well, I think he probably was taken aback by you diagnosing him. It's fine to discuss issues, but no one likes to be labeled. I used to be a really shy guy. Like scared to look people in the eyes guy. It's that whole can't even look at a pretty girl because you feel like vomiting guy. You do eventually get over it but it takes a long time and some patience.

 

You have to ask yourself if you wan to be patient. I don't know this guy, but if you're his first then I assume he's really nervous, very afraid, and will take a while to come out of his shell. At the same time, because you are his first he will have a hard time being upfront about uncomfortable subjects and talking about them. If I had to bet, I would bet he's into you. But he's diffidence could be a sign that he's not sure. A mature guy, when he's not sure, talks about it respectfully, works on what can be worked on, and if he can't get anymore surety then he respectfully breaks up. This guy sounds like he will have difficulty with that. He might be afraid of more sex stuff because he knows he should be in an emotionally right place to do that sort of thing. Some guys actually need to be emotionally settled to feel alright about sex (not always, but not all guys are just single minded louts).

 

So, you will have to ask the hard questions and also be pretty patient and understanding. It will feel natural to diagnose and label, but that's not super helpful. Try to understand him, try to get him to open up (about stuff that isn't even relationship stuff).

 

My two cents, from a formerly shy guy's perspective.

[ConfusedAsAlways]

He knows that I diagnose people based on my history... I didn't say "YOU DEFINITELY HAVE THIS" to him, which is why I sent him an email saying I could be more aggressive, though he doesn't seem comfy with that either.

 

Patient? Sure, as long as he doesn't play mind games.

 

It doesn't seem to matter much, as we'll probably never meet. Probably, I say, because I will not put up with this forever, and he'd probably be "too shy" to go ahead with it anyways. I've proven that I'm not judgmental and am not rejecting him.

 

What's stopping me from hitting the "Block" button? I have no idea; I'm not here to fix people.

 

I refuse to bring up sex or anything like that ever again. I won't even ask for video chats. I'm being "offline" until "the reply email" gets sent, that he said "He just HAD to reply to". Do I think it will? H effing no...

 

...Waiting, but certainly not holding my breathe!

 

PS-- What "made" you get over this Love Shyness? I have read that an "aggressive woman" typically does, but what do I know? Not much. I'm not shy, passive, nor scared of rejection... When I get rejected for some stupid reason, I'm actually grateful... Weeds out the a-holes, you know?