Boyfriends ultimatum: no more friends with exes

[Jphine]

My partner of 6months is demanding I remove all contact / connection with my two exes; lengthy relationships, one ended over 13 yrs ago and latter ended 4 yrs ago, having known each other for 13 yrs. In both cases, we had 'time-out' after break-ups reconnecting as platonic friends after some healing. Friends before lovers, this feels natural & healthy. Both men happily raising beautiful families, in love with their wives, have no intention to rekindle anything with me. I am not in contact with them particularly frequently, but share updates and support each other (virtually mostly) when required, in a reciprocated, transparent way.

 

My partner has had issues with exes since we started dating and I have removed previous casual encounters from my life to appease him (not because I felt it was necessary but because he felt it was important). He feels we cannot move forward with them in my life... he has not stayed in contact with exes, has a very smll grp of friends. It is a deal breaker for him. I do not think ultimatum of their removal vs our continuing relationship is fair or mature. But have no idea how to move forward w/out losing by current partner, my self respect, core values, or two people who are dear to me. Lots of teen angst around this subject online - but I am 40 yrs old! Ideas, comments, suggestions may help me engage a strategy to progress sensibly without losing a man I am falling in love with.

[CarrieT]

Red flag! Red flag! Red flag

 

At 40, you are insightful and intelligent enough to have positive, friendly relationships with Exes that don't involve romantic feelings. You aren't a teenager any more and having a potential partner dictating who you can and cannot have a friendship with should be a giant red flag to how and why he might try to control you in the future.

 

Many of us are capable of having friendships with Exes - especially when it has stretched back so many years in our pasts. I wouldn't tolerate being told who I care about or not!

[irin]

it depends on whether you are one of those people who wont stand for ultimatums. its straight deal breaker for some.

 

but if you dont mind it, then which is more important to you, the friendship with exes, or your current relationship.

 

if are just good friends, then cutting contact would be so hard, ive gone years without speaking to some of my best friends, but was still able resume the friendship.

 

but if this bothers then you can refuse.

[gaius]

I don't know. Maybe he senses something you don't realize is there and feels threatened, or maybe he's just being insecure. Irin is right, you just have to choose which is more important. If you do accept this ultimatum I would make it clear it's the last one you're agreeing to though.

[whichwayisup]

So basically you're only allowed to have women friends. He probably (eventually) ask you NOT to befriend ANY men, ones you work with, etc..

 

This guy has some insecurity and jealously issues, and it's only going to get worse as time goes on.

 

Can you see yourself marrying him? having kids? If not, then take time to think if this guy is the right one for you.

 

Your ex's are NO threat to him as they all have wives, kids etc.. It would be different if they were single and trying to woo you away, but they aren't.

[melodymatters]

Your ex's are NO threat to him as they all have wives, kids etc.. It would be different if they were single and trying to woo you away, but they aren't.

 

To me, THIS is the biggest issue, and one my H and I have struggled with. I don't want to be a hypocrite, but I am older than H and have a friend who was never anything BUT a friend, AND former business partner, who is married with two kids. H, has a girl who has had a long term crush on him, who is single, and who caused problems in his previous relationship.

 

Neither of us want the other to speak to these two people. I, feel like it's apples and oranges, and if the woman in question was married, and didn't mostly text him during his work hours, fine. I feel like my friendship has passed any statute of limitations with married old friend/ ex-business partner. BUT, to make things fair, I'm probably going to cut WAAAAAY back on talking to my friend, and I asked him to only talk to this girl at home, in front of me.

 

So, didn't mean to go on and on about MY situation, but that's how WE are handling it. Hope a real life similar scenario helps give some insight....

[Jphine]

Thanks Peops...

 

He is a good man and an honest one, but I'm guessing he has been hurt (we dont talk about his past in any detail). He said he made a decision, prior to meeting me, that he didnt want someone with baggage, with history. I guess that means at 40, I'm likely to have too much 'history' to deal with (he is 42). He wants the 'slate clean' to go forward - which means no exes, but the trouble is in the definitions; I do not see these two men as anything more than friends. Yes, they were exes, we were intimate, but we are no longer together (for a long time now) for a myriad of reasons.

 

Sadly, I dont think my guy will compromise what he feels are his strong beliefs on this one. He says no exes will ensure unhindered progress of the relationship.

 

I appreciate your comments, team... J x

[Emilia]

I think the 'exes' thing is just a symptom. He says he wants someone with no baggage and no history. That's extremely emotionally immature on his part, perhaps unstable long term. He has issues.

[Buck Turgidson]

Good luck to him finding a 40-year old woman with "no history." That woman does not exist.

 

Friendships are important relationships. Our friends are important people in our lives. A person who demands we cut off contact with important people doesn't have our best interests at heart, and thus is not our friend. You can't have a romantic relationship with someone who isn't also your best friend.

 

This man does not deserve your love. Find someone who does. At 42, he's the one who needs to be examining his baggage.

[denise_xo]

Thanks Peops...

 

He is a good man and an honest one, but I'm guessing he has been hurt (we dont talk about his past in any detail). He said he made a decision, prior to meeting me, that he didnt want someone with baggage, with history. I guess that means at 40, I'm likely to have too much 'history' to deal with (he is 42). He wants the 'slate clean' to go forward - which means no exes, but the trouble is in the definitions; I do not see these two men as anything more than friends. Yes, they were exes, we were intimate, but we are no longer together (for a long time now) for a myriad of reasons.

 

Sadly, I dont think my guy will compromise what he feels are his strong beliefs on this one. He says no exes will ensure unhindered progress of the relationship.

 

I appreciate your comments, team... J x

 

I agree with the others who say that this is both immature and a huge, red flag waving. Women (and men) who are above 40 have histories. That's just a fact. If he can't face that, I'd would move on. Like BT said, find someone who deserves you.

[darkmoon]

i'm a fifty-nine year old who would wonder if these friends/exes are looking to you as a back-up plan, you have had had sex with them already, i think it's a pity to be moving towards a situation where your partner will be the only ex you do not keep as a friend, sorry, but i'd object like him and would wonder where your loyalty lies, i'd be careful, these exes' female partners might not be so accepting of you if you are single

[Buck Turgidson]

I'd object like him and would wonder where your loyalty lies

 

...because she isn't ditching her friends of 13 years to placate her 6-month boyfriend's insecurities? I do not think "loyalty" means what you seem to think it means.

[darkmoon]

...because she isn't ditching her friends of 13 years to placate her 6-month boyfriend's insecurities? I do not think "loyalty" means what you seem to think it means.

 

but she's drivng him away! it's up to her, but i'd look for someone who cares, which she does not, if insecutity is so taboo, i'd go look for someone else, her loss then, but at least she's got facebook i suppose - albeit with other people's partners...

Edited June 20, 2012 by darkmoon

[Emilia]

but she's drivng him away! it's up to her, but i'd look for someone who cares, which she does not, if insecutity is so taboo, i'd go look for someone else, her loss then, but at least she's got facebook i suppose - albeit with other people's partners...

 

Isn't he the one who is driving HER away? The person who hands out the ultimatum is responsible for escalation of the conflict surely?

 

I think it does matter what kind of insecurity we are talking about. Expecting a person not to have a past at the age of 25 is pretty unreasonable. At 40??? I wonder if that guy had a long term relationship in the past at all.

[darkmoon]

Isn't he the one who is driving HER away? The person who hands out the ultimatum is responsible for escalation of the conflict surely?

 

I think it does matter what kind of insecurity we are talking about. Expecting a person not to have a past at the age of 25 is pretty unreasonable. At 40??? I wonder if that guy had a long term relationship in the past at all.

 

he'll leave, he said he would, bringing the end of the escalation

[Emilia]

he'll leave, he said he would, bringing the end of the escalation

 

and I think she is better off without him. If she does what he says and he stays, there will be something else that will bug him in another 6 months' time

[freestyle]

I've been on both sides of this debate.

 

My exbf of 20 years ago and I have maintained a friendship of sorts.

Meaning we talk a few times each year, and exchange joke emails.

 

He went through a messy divorce a few years ago, and then reunited with his high school sweetheart. I noticed a drop-off in his communication levels, and I finally asked him about it.

 

Turns out his new gf (who's actually an old gf) is prone to jealousy, so he watches his step. I guess she'd been cheated on before, and it's a triggering situation.

 

I've only met her twice, since she moved here to be with him, and I thought we'd get along fine. She was nice to me, but I found out later, that she's uncomfortable about me being in touch with him.

 

Some people would get offended by this---I'm actually not.

I've been cheated on, too---and I've had to deal with my current SO's exes trying to stir the pot in our relationship.

 

So I understand her fears, and where they come from. I think it's legitimate. My heart goes out to her.

 

I'm mildly bummed about not talking to my ex like I used to---but he's my EX. And I respect his decision to put his current relationship first.

 

I have a new guy. That's where my focus needs to be.

[Emilia]

 

I have a new guy. That's where my focus needs to be.

 

That's very true but I think what many of us are taking issue with is how this guy is handling the conflict and what his expectations are. Especially after only 6 months.

[denise_xo]

That's very true but I think what many of us are taking issue with is how this guy is handling the conflict and what his expectations are. Especially after only 6 months.

 

Agreed. I think it's perfectly understandable if someone wants a general rule in a relationship of not interacting with exes. It's a personal preference, and the key in a relationship is to establish compatibility about those kind of boundaries. Personally, I don't have a problem with it and my previous partner saw his ex regularly - they made music together, she was happily married, she and I got along well, it was clear that whatever they had together romantically was long gone.

 

But for a man over 40 to say that he wants a person with no history, that's just ridiculous. People at that age have histories, and they can't 'become a clean slate' just because he wants them to be one. That's just extremely immature. If he wants to set this as a deal breaker, he has the right to do so. But I wouldn't play along with that, given the context.

[Krytie TV]

i'm a fifty-nine year old who would wonder if these friends/exes are looking to you as a back-up plan, you have had had sex with them already, i think it's a pity to be moving towards a situation where your partner will be the only ex you do not keep as a friend, sorry, but i'd object like him and would wonder where your loyalty lies, i'd be careful, these exes' female partners might not be so accepting of you if you are single

 

I appreciate you derailing the "red flag" procession that was passing by!

 

There is completely legitimate thoughts from both sides of this fence. I, myself, do not stay in contact with exes and my current wife did. I never forbid her from doing it, but I have to admit that being a man, I can pick up on other men's behaviors. I knew something was there even if she didn't. In talking with her without demands and without ultimatums, she came to the conclusion that maybe I'm right... maybe not. But what she did say in response was that this particular ex relationship was not meaningful enough to her to continue to make me uneasy and told me later she understood my views and essentially let the "friendship" go. They may email once or twice a year, but it tends to be about more pragmatic issues.

 

I guess before you accuse someone of being a jealous freak, consider that maybe he sees something you don't. As men, we are way better at reading other men than you are. But also consider what it is you're really fighting for. Utimately, the question becomes are you willing to let your current bf go in favor of this friendship(s) that is sporadic at best?

 

Just because someone is jealous of something, that does not always make it their fault. Jealousy just as often is bred from the other person's actions. Is sporadic communication with people you barely even see or care about anymore more important than what is standing in front of you right now, just in the name of standing your high ground? If there was no email or facebook, would you ever even communicate with these exes anymore? If not, then it sounds to me like you'd be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

[pteromom]

I would be RUNNING away from someone who tries to control my friendships. My friendships are part of me, and if I am in a relationship with someone, he can choose to trust me or not, but I would not be agreeing to his ultimatum.

[denise_xo]

I have to admit that being a man, I can pick up on other men's behaviors. ...As men, we are way better at reading other men than you are.

 

If the OP was 18, I would agree there might be something to it - but a person above 40 would normally know how to read those signs. I certainly do, and I read them better than my H.

[sally4sara]

 

Just because someone is jealous of something, that does not always make it their fault. Jealousy just as often is bred from the other person's actions. Is sporadic communication with people you barely even see or care about anymore more important than what is standing in front of you right now, just in the name of standing your high ground? If there was no email or facebook, would you ever even communicate with these exes anymore? If not, then it sounds to me like you'd be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

 

People don't make us feel something. We react to triggers without examining what is really triggering us and often take it out on the person closest to us. And picking up on someone's behavior; knowing how someone thinks - its a bunch of BS when you're never around that person and no they are not just like you because you share a gender/religion/orientation etc.

If this guy was responding to some pattern in the OP's behavior, that pattern isn't going to magically go away by harassing her into not communicating with any specific person. It wouldn't be the people she was interacting with, it would be her. If there is something he doesn't like about her he should just end things with her rather than try to wrangle down her behavior under his thumb. What's the saying about being with someone hoping they will change?

[nofool4u]

But have no idea how to move forward w/out losing by current partner, my self respect, core values, or two people who are dear to me. Lots of teen angst around this subject online - but I am 40 yrs old! Ideas, comments, suggestions may help me engage a strategy to progress sensibly without losing a man I am falling in love with.

 

It all depends. If you are falling in love with him, then obviously he has great qualities and this probably isn't just some jealousy on his part.

 

If he is forbidding you from being friends with exes of the "high and bye" type, that is too extreme.

 

But if you are friends with the exes as in you hang out with them alone and go out with them, then I can see his point. Would you want him hanging out with women he has been intimate with?

[nofool4u]

I would be RUNNING away from someone who tries to control my friendships. My friendships are part of me, and if I am in a relationship with someone, he can choose to trust me or not, but I would not be agreeing to his ultimatum.

 

Not sure of the nature of the "friendship" between OP and her exes, but what would you say if that nature took the shape of a man you are in a relationship with having an X as a friend, and they go out quite a bit and do things together....without you...alone.

 

I mean afterall, they are friends, right? It shouldn't be a problem. You see where I'm going with this.

 

Depends on the nature of the friendship. I am "friends" with a few X's in the sense that I'm civil, talk to them if I ever see them, but I don't and would never hang out with them.