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Girlfriend lost her cousin -- acting angry with me!


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I'm posting this because I just don't know what else to do to help my girlfriend. Or how to get some thicker skin. To be as brief as possible:

 

We've been together for two years now. Mostly happy although some difficulty a couple of months ago and we broke up but we reconciled and got back together 6 months ago. We were working things out and seemed to be getting along better before her cousin passed away. My girlfriend loved her cousin very much as she was like a big sister to my girl. She looked up to her a lot and turned to her for support since she was a kid. I see her cousin as an older sister too. Went with her several times on family get-togethers, and made a very nice connection with her cousin... We got along great.

 

After her cousin’s sudden death, she understandably, became extremely moody.... which progressed to anger---directed some toward herself or family, but mostly at me!

 

I feel like I could no longer talk to her without her getting mad or pissed at me.

 

The other day, I was telling her about my day at work and I mentioned that I felt like I’ve hit rock bottom with how things are going at the bank and instead of empathizing with me, she snapped at me for “whining about trivial things” and proceeded to lash out at me. Accusing me of being narrow-minded and calling me a spoiled, privileged jerk who take things for granted. I know that there are worse things in life than the stock index going down but I wanted to reach out to her and share what was going on with my life. Work has been kicking my ass in so many ways and I thought sharing my troubles with her would help me feel better like it used to.

 

There are several instances when she would explode or lose her temper over the smallest things. It’s like everything that comes out of my mouth makes her angry. I understand that being angry is part of the grieving process but this is just ridiculous. She’s acting as if I killed her cousin or something. When she’s not withdrawing from the world and shutting me out, she’s either mad or irritated with me. It’s so difficult because we live together so I’m always at the receiving end of her wrath. It feels as if I’m constantly walking on egg shells around her.

 

Although my needs aren't important right now, I wanted badly to pamper her... to take care of her but she wouldn’t let me. A part of me feels a bit frustrated that my best intentions, my sweetest gestures are taken for granted. I want to provide at least some measure of comfort in the best ways I know how, and feel like I'm being shoved aside. I cared for her cousin a great deal and her death affected me even more than I anticipated. I suppose I had the mistaken impression that we could comfort one another and it hurts that she doesn't seem to want any of it.

 

Almost everything I say or do is annoying or just plain wrong.

 

I don't know what to do here. Any advice is truly appreciated.... thank you.

Edited by Gab
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Philosoraptor

Just be patient and understand that you are not the issue here. Stop trying to do too much and just be there for her. Ask her what she needs and do what you can to help her. Right now she likely needs sympathy and empathy more than any other gesture.

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Thank you for your insight, you're right. I guess I was pretty angry when I wrote my previous post.... still am a bit, i'm afraid. And I should say that she wasn't like this before. She's had her "fits" over the past 2 years but she was never this ill-tempered and turbulent so this change in her attitude is really alarming.

 

I could sense her slowly pulling away from me now, though. She no longer tells me how she's feeling or what's going through her head like she used to. When her cousin suddenly died of hemorrhagic stroke about 4 months ago, my girlfriend was shocked and devastated. At first, she seemed to be in denial and buried herself with work… refusing to go to the wake and acted as if nothing was wrong and withdrew within herself. After her cousin’s funeral, her aunt asked her to live with them for a while but she didn’t last for more than 2 weeks because the physical reminders were too much for her to bear. During this time, she did a complete turnaround and became very clingy and needy and she would get anxious when I’m not around. Now, this is very baffling and completely out of character for her since she’s very independent and self-reliant… I didn’t mind the sudden change though and understood that she was going through an emotional rollercoaster, so I tried my best to be by her side as much as I could and be supportive. Since she couldn’t stand living at her aunt’s and she didn’t want to go back to her family’s home [she said she doesn’t have the strength to deal with her overbearing mother at the moment], we both agreed it would be best if she lives with me for the time being.

 

The first 5 weeks that she was staying with me, she was very depressed and overly emotional... I would constantly wake up to sounds of her crying and she was just generally down in the dumps. She hasn’t gone out of the house to this day despite all my encouragements. Her mother, whom she works for, had grown exasperated and replaced her because she refuses to come back to work [she hated working there anyway].

 

When she asked that I allow her to deal with this on her own terms, I complied. I let her go through the motions of her grief. I gave her space when she asked for it, listened to her when she needed to talk, stayed by her side when she wants someone there, comforted her when she would suddenly break down in tears and took care of her. There was a period when all she wanted to talk about was her cousin, her thoughts and feelings on what happened, obsessing on every single detail and the "what ifs", and I patiently listened to her go over her stories repeatedly.

 

But now, she barely speaks. When she does talk, it's only to criticize or berate me. Even a simple conversation would irritate her and she'll shut herself off in our room and sleep. Still though, I managed to bite my tongue much of the time to keep things from escalating. Sometimes, I’m afraid to talk to her because I might say something wrong... or fall into her path for fear it would annoy her. We're living under the same roof but we might as well be living on a different planet with the distance she's created between us. The rare times that she does manage to tolerate my company, she would drift off into space and I’d feel so far away from her. It’s like she’s here but her mind is wandering off somewhere else.

 

I’m still doing my very best to be there for her but she keeps pushing me away. I just don’t know how long I could keep up with this.

 

Sorry for the long rant. It's been a pretty awful day. Anyway, thanks again for replying. I really appreciate it.

Edited by Gab
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Your needs are important. I'd take a break. She needs to learn how to grieve in a mature manner.

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