How Private IS "Private" Communication...?

[USMCHokie]

As the title states, how private is "private communication"....? What expectation do you have of the other person, and what expectation do you have for yourself? Should private communications have the same protections as legally recognized confidentiality?

 

To illustrate hypothetically, let's say I had a friend who sent me correspondence that was quite hurtful and shocked me, to say the least. So I went to one of my best friends and asked for advice about this friend and advice about how to respond, if at all. Of course, the first question that came up was, "what did she say to you?". So I shared the relevant parts of said correspondence to build his awareness and allow him to give the most informed advice.

 

So when seeking advice, or for some other seemingly justifiable reason, where do you draw the line when sharing "private" communication? We see it ALL the time here on LS where folks publicly share contents of communication with others, whether it is a text, email, or verbal conversation, so that we all can provide informed advice. Is it a heinous violation of trust to do this?

[Star Gazer]

.....................................

[Star Gazer]

It's..."cute," how you've started this thread and described what you did so inaccurately. But I'll give you my thoughts anyway.

 

I'd say forwarding emails from your "SO" to your friends so that you can go back to your SO and chew her out and say, "All my friends think XYZ about you and had ABC to say about your emails!" is wrong. Very wrong.

 

A relationship is between two people. Not you, her, and all your friends.

 

I'd also say that when you're frustrated with your "SO," going to her "enemy" to talk sh*t about your SO by sharing the private things she's shared with you is also wrong. Very wrong.

 

I'd also say that when you're frustrated that your "SO" ended things, that it's inappropriate to pass along her private information or guide people to find her. Very wrong.

 

Those are my thoughts.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I would NEVER share "private" correspondence with anyone, unless I was completely without care about the person who did the correspondence, or felt endangered by them (like when I had to get a restraining order against my ex husband).

 

I'm even baffled and sort of offended when people post the exact texts or emails that they've exchanged with their dates or SO's here on LS, even though it is "anonymous."

 

If I am communicating with somebody who is in my life, who has any kind of meaning in my life - that communication remains between the two of us ONLY.

 

If you need to ask for advice from somebody else, you can certainly do so without sharing personal emails or whatever. Better yet, take it up with the person you are having the issues with.

[Star Gazer]

I would NEVER share "private" correspondence with anyone, unless I was completely without care about the person who did the correspondence, or felt endangered by them (like when I had to get a restraining order against my ex husband).

 

If I am communicating with somebody who is in my life, who has any kind of meaning in my life - that communication remains between the two of us ONLY.

 

If you need to ask for advice from somebody else, you can certainly do so without sharing personal emails or whatever. Better yet, take it up with the person you are having the issues with.

 

Bolded/underlined, exactly. Disclosing private correspondence is the ultimate breach of trust and respect between two people.

[cerridwen]

If I sought advice about the situation you're describing, Hokie, I'd go outside the circle in which the other person is known.

 

Then, I wouldn't reading from, or otherwise quote the email/text/PM and just give the gist.

 

It's normal to seek solace and support for something very upsetting.

But respecting a person's private correspondence is important too.

 

 

 

Why?

Who are we talking about here?

[USMCHokie]

I'm even baffled and sort of offended when people post the exact texts or emails that they've exchanged with their dates or SO's here on LS, even though it is "anonymous."

 

So you'd say that under no circumstance is this acceptable? And you used the word "exact." Does paraphrasing make it more acceptable?

[Star Gazer]

Why?

Who are we talking about here?

 

Me. That's who.

[cerridwen]

Me. That's who.

 

Yeah, I knew that.

I was testing Hokie.

 

I'll be in the Winnie.

[USMCHokie]

Who are we talking about here?

 

Irrelevant.

[Mme. Chaucer]

So you'd say that under no circumstance is this acceptable? And you used the word "exact." Does paraphrasing make it more acceptable?

 

As the bearded goddess says, the gist is enough. Sending links, quoting stuff, etc would be way, far out of appropriate bounds IMO (and among those close to me … I believe).

 

Also, I agree with C that it's best to stay outside of the "circle" of people who know each other to seek this kind of support or advice.

 

Frankly, this kind of "sharing" is usually done to demonize someone, to feed drama and / or to get people to take sides.

 

Did you obtain useful advice on how to deal with your issues in your particular situation?

[Star Gazer]

Frankly, this kind of "sharing" is usually done to demonize someone, to feed drama and / or to get people to take sides.

 

Indeed it was.

[xxoo]

If the relationship is ongoing, I wouldn't do it at all. Or, better phrased, I haven't yet. Maybe if I really needed help I would.

 

If the relationship is over, it seems normal to need support. Sharing, as Cerri says, the gist of conversations is ok, but not forwarding emails/text conversations.

 

If you need to share, that may be a good sign that you should get out of the relationship.

 

If you are very involved and can't easily leave (married/kids), and need to share, at least have the judgment to share with someone you trust enough to keep it private and be unbiased, and use sharing as a means of clarifying your own thoughts---not to get opinions that back yours to use against your partner.

[USMCHokie]

As the bearded goddess says, the gist is enough. Sending links, quoting stuff, etc would be way, far out of appropriate bounds IMO (and among those close to me … I believe).

 

Also, I agree with C that it's best to stay outside of the "circle" of people who know each other to seek this kind of support or advice.

 

Frankly, this kind of "sharing" is usually done to demonize someone, to feed drama and / or to get people to take sides.

 

Did you obtain useful advice on how to deal with your issues in your particular situation?

 

Yes, I did.

 

So why do folks on LS ask for amplifying information? Is the "gist" enough? Can you honestly say that you can give reasonable guidance if someone came here and just said that someone sent them a mean text message? And is there a difference within the spectrum of disclosure, e.g., gist v paraphrasing v quotes?

[d'Arthez]

I am not going to comment on the case that seems to be unfolding.

 

In general, I would never share. Unless you have good grounds to assume something major is wrong. Think serious risk of suicide, or a potentially life threatening condition. Anything else, and I'd question the integrity and the motives of the person who shared the details.

[Art_Critic]

IMO.. Y'all are back to sharing too much info with us LS'rs.

 

Why can't you guys get past whatever it is and stop this foolishness that unfolds here every week or so ? or at the very least just have sex and maybe you won't have the temptation to take stabs at each other anymore in public on a web forum.

[johan]

Anything that was personally addressed to me is kept private. I've forwarded "news" that was addressed to me on to others. But I won't share information provided by person A with person B, particularly if they know or interact with each other or can ever be expected to.

 

If I'm having a hard time in a relationship and need to discuss it with someone, I won't forward anything or quote from it. I'll just try to generalize so that the problem is understood. But I really don't even do that very much anymore, because the person I tell is going to learn things about the person I'm involved with and that will taint their relationship as well.

 

If they don't know each other, they will never know each other, and I'm not providing a path for one to find the other, and the quote will never find its way out into public, and I'm able to do it without sharing the full name, then it's not relevant. I wouldn't feel I was violating anyone's privacy in the least.

[Star Gazer]

Yes, I did.

 

So why do folks on LS ask for amplifying information? Is the "gist" enough?

 

The ostensibly anonymous nature* of posting on LS about relationship problems is quite different from sharing your not-anonymous SO's emails with your not-anonymous friends.

 

 

 

 

*You're not exactly anonymous here, given how much information you post on LS, including your pictures, locations, and the number of FB LS friends you have.

[Star Gazer]

IMO.. Y'all are back to sharing too much info with us LS'rs.

 

Why can't you guys get past whatever it is and stop this foolishness that unfolds here every week or so ? or at the very least just have sex and maybe you won't have the temptation to take stabs at each other anymore in public on a web forum.

 

Absolutely not. :sick:

[Art_Critic]

I won't forward anything or quote from it.

 

That is a pretty important thing too.. There has been so many email threads that I will get thru work or whatever and I'll glance down the thread of the email and just shake my head sometimes that someone would quote such personal info.. it may even been 2-3 emails down but if they had never quoted it to begin with then it wouldn't have been there for my eyes to see.

I have also had some of my own personal info released to people thru the same way and know how it feels.

[Art_Critic]

Absolutely not. :sick:

 

Just a little humor to lighten the serious thread up some

[USMCHokie]

IMO.. Y'all are back to sharing too much info with us LS'rs.

 

Why can't you guys get past whatever it is and stop this foolishness that unfolds here every week or so ? or at the very least just have sex and maybe you won't have the temptation to take stabs at each other anymore in public on a web forum.

 

It's not my intention to share or stab. I'm honestly just tired of thinking that I'm allegedly the worst person on the planet because I did something privately that I see done every day publicly. What does that make those other individuals?

 

And I'm more interested in what people think of this on a general level and their differing expectations of others versus themselves in the sharing of information.

 

And you all filled in the blanks like a Mad Libs game, not me. This has everything to do with my issues and no one else.

[Almond_Joy]

If I knew something I said to my bf was being repeated word for word to a friend, I'd be deeply offended. That's disrespectful. You can get good advice from outsiders on a situation without repeating word for word everything the person's said.

 

I also find it pointless. That friend probably doesn't have the same type of relationship that you do with that person, even if you're all just friends.

 

You're saying you only forwarded "relevant" pieces of the discussion for advice. Who's to say that the relevant pieces were a fair and accurate portrayal of you or her? Your friends won't know any better, and they'd be giving you advice based on what you've chosen to share, which may or may not be the whole story.

 

I also think that no matter how good the advice you get is, the discussion that resolves the issue should be between you and the person who sent you the correspondence. I don't think you should take a friend's advice and use your friend's perspective as your position. They're not dealing with the person, you are. And they may not see the person's actions as you do.

[USMCHokie]

If they don't know each other, they will never know each other, and I'm not providing a path for one to find the other, and the quote will never find its way out into public, and I'm able to do it without sharing the full name, then it's not relevant. I wouldn't feel I was violating anyone's privacy in the least.

 

So you'd say that the audience of the information would be determinative in whether you feel it's acceptable to share?

[Emilia]

I have never forwarded or even shown texts or emails of personal nature to others, not even if they were only from friends, not romantic partners. I would be gutted if someone did that to me. I've never shared anything specific like that on LS either even though I'm 100% certain none of my exes use this site.

 

I don't usually bother asking for advice since others aren't likely to know my SOs as much as I do and subtle nuances are often not obvious. If I had to give background information, it would unduly influence those I am seeking advice from therefore there isn't much point starting the whole process. I'm good at working things out myself.