He seems wishy-washy and may have Anxiety Disorder

[oldschool1]

Hi. Maybe you nice people can help me out here. I am not sure what I just heard from my boyfriend of 2 years, but I am pretty sure it's NOT good news.

 

Here are the stats: me, 36, divorced and in academia. him, 41, divorced and busy with a very full time job and about to finish a time-consuming evening graduate program.

 

We've been dating two years, and it's been a gradual build-up from once a week to twice, three times, and now sometimes four (schedule permitting). I am friends with my ex-husband, but my boyfriend had a hellatious marriage and a terrible childhood (controlling mother, psycho wife....the works!). We get along really well, rarely fight, have great sex, go on fun vacations and love to do activities like tennis and canyon cycling. Here's the problem: he is a fairly distant person, needs very little communication when we're not around each other and seems to be preoccupied with work and stress. While he is very consistent about wanting to see me and all that, he's not always the most intimate and doesn't usually say sweet things (but is very nice and enthusiastic, has wanted to meet my parents, blabla). If he is just not an emotional romantic, I'm fine with that. However, we had a nasty fight a week ago where I just UNLEASHED on him. It was the classic DO YOU GIVE A RAT'S ASS?? and I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT ME!! and I NEED MORE. While I'm usually quite even-keeled and peppy, I blew it!! He became furiously insulted, and we both cooled down alone for a few days.

 

After the fight, I said I wanted to talk and he agreed. I simply said I was sorry for unleashing and that I loved him (which was the first time either of us had said THAT). He looked shocked. After explaining that he definitely had feelings for me, was enthusiastic about the relationship, was always happy to see me, he also said that he was not ready to say I love you and get married. He said he got the feeling that I wanted more commitment (duh!!) and that he was very upset and sad about our fight. He said that sometimes he feels very "close to me"---like when we're on vacation, but that other times he feels less close---like when he's stressed from work. He thought that his stress was probably causing this but wasn't entirely sure. He also made a comment about not having fallen "head over heels in love" with me the first time he met me and that it wasn't an overwhelming feeling but that it was something that was slowly growing. (And, that is how it's been for me too actually). He said that he was SLOW (which is true, since it took him a solid 6 months or longer to start introducing me as his girlfriend...and now he always proudly introduces me). He also said that he wasn't an "I love you kind of guy and didn't think he was wired that way.

 

Needless to say, it was a tough conversation. I tried to find out whether he ever wanted more from our relationship or whether we were going to be stuck in a holding pattern, but he was somewhat unclear (but not against things like marriage or saying I love you). I also explained that while I did not feel ready for marriage myself, that I did not have the time to hang out years without ever committing. He also didn't want to date forever.

 

Everything has basically gone back to normal (this only happened a few days ago) except that I'm letting HIM do more of the asking and being just a bit less available. I think he needs to chase me, and so far it seems to be working. Last night we were together, and he said something interesting. Since he has terrible trouble sleeping through the night ---especially on Sunday nights, he made the observation that he must surely have General Anxiety Disorder. He thought that he should get Xanax rather than suffer everyday. He then said that his entire family also has this (though no one would admit as much) and that it's really starting to affect his life. I was trying to listen and be supportive.

 

I went home and looked up General Anxiety Disorder and noticed that not only was he textbook but that people with this type of anxiety seem to have a tough time with their relationships. They apparently get preoccupied with stress and, as a result, act distant at times. Perhaps (as he suggested himself) this explains why he feels so close when he's relaxed and less so when he's stressed. Incidentally, I have noticed this in him.

 

I know that when I was married to a man I didn't love a few years ago, I never really felt closer to him on vacation---the whole thing always felt suffocating/high pressure. My current boyfriend, on the contrary, mentioned really enjoying being with me on vacation and feeling close to me then.

 

So, is this just a case of him not being that into me? Clearly, he is quite interested in continuing the relationship (as the fight would have been the perfect opportunity for him to abscond), but I wonder whether he simply DOESN'T LOVE ME and DOESN'T WANT TO MARRY ME (not that I am ready for marriage either, by the way).

 

Any comments? I really don't want to waste my time, but it would be a shame to give up a very good relationship with (I think) some real potential for longterm success. Some friends think I should walk away immediately, but I am not sure.

[Leegh]

I think you're doing the correct thing by letting him chase you now. If you are interested in marriage, I would not continue the relationship for more than a year, (maybe sooner if you want children). In addition, you could meet other guys, (you don't have to tell your guy this). You may at some point (if your guy does not propose) issue an ultimation, and end the relationship if he does not want to marry. Since he has been married before, I would say that he'd be more likely to marry, then someone who's never been married. Possibly his first wife was like his mother, as people tend to marry people with the personality traits of their parents or caregiver.

[oldschool1]

Thank you so much for your reply! Yes, you're on the money. His wife was apparently quite the bitch (exactly like his controlling mother). Very bitchy and difficult. Also, she pressured him into marriage, and he ended up doing it because he felt he "owed it to her". Yeesh! After living together 6 years, their marriage lasted only 6 months. I asked him whether he was "head over heels" for his wife, and he said absolutely not.

 

I know that he brings me in close and then pushes me away, so this is why I think that I should pull back a bit. Maybe he needs to live with these big new ideas (love, marriage, bla bla), since this is the first time we've had such a serious conversation and fight. In the past, HE has been the one to bring up this "Where are we going?" stuff. Also, he is in a transitional moment with work/school/life, so he needs to figure out his track before making any big decisions.

 

As for the dating or meeting others, that seems dishonest and risky. Either I'm with him or I'm not (for now), and I wouldn't want to mess with what we have. I'm also not sure I want to have children. My big worry is that I will get too old to continue to attract the men that I like. But, I'm willing to walk if it seems like he's not on the same page. I wouldn't expect a marriage proposal within 6 months or even a year, but I would hope for signs that he wants more: I love you, wanting to see me more, saying sweet things, supporting me and "letting me in". He has slowly come to do some of these things, but it has been VERY slow and not quite enough. So, we'll see.

[carhill]

After living together 6 years, their marriage lasted only 6 months.

 

Canary. Is he repeating history? He's 41. Big boy. Adult underwear.

 

Float a couple's therapy suggestion as a balloon, simply to hear a response.

[Babolat]

I have General Anxiety Disorder (I am male) and can relate to your partner.

 

I have my "cold" days and my "hot" days in a relationship. And yes, if something is on my mind or stressing me out I can come across as distant.

 

I love to chase a woman. The ones I date that throw themselves at me turn me off, quickly. Is that a GAD sympton? No idea, never thought about it. I just know I am very attracted to an independent woman who has her own life outside of "me".

 

When I am "cold" I wonder if I am not that into the person. Though when I resolve the stressor it usually goes away. I think my GAD in a relationship is my radar, my intuition, my innder voice telling me "Red Flag" and it' has always been right. What I am working on now is focusing on the things I like in a potential partner, realizing they are not perfect, versus focusing on the Red Flags. This has helped me.

 

I take a very low dose, like 1/2 of the lowest does possible, medication for GAD and I see a psychiatriust every 4 months. I am not sure if it's adding any value at this point though I continue to take it.

[oldschool1]

Thank you for these comments. Yes, I agree that I have to heed the signs with this guy. He is absolutely and completely known in his circle of friends as a distant guy and a difficult sort of chap. He said the other night that he should just take some Xanax since it was really interfering with his life. It was a good discussion, and it seemed like he was acting close to me (despite his crazy work load right now). If he goes on a low dose of Xanax, it will be interesting to see what he's like. I am also hoping that the doctor will prescribe psychotherapy, because he could use it. He doesn't talk to anyone and isn't really close to anyone (except maybe one work friend). He holds everything in. Apparently, he DID seek therapy when he was married. Unfortunately, it did nothing; his relationship was too far gone.

 

Last year he ended up in the hospital with a serious illness. Nothing like turning 40 and almost dying to shake a guy up! He was very dependent on me while he was there and was very, very connected. The second he got out, he distanced himself. Obviously, he was depressed not to be able to do his normal athletic stuff, but it seemed like he got nervous.

 

I doubt that GAD is behind everything going on here. Most likely, every guy detests being pushed, and every guy likes a bit of a chase. In general, I am very, very independent (with my own money, my own burgeoning academic career, friends, etc...), but I have noticed that I've become awfully emotionally invested in him. This extreme interest in the relationship and his welfare might have come across as TOO SERIOUS at this point. I don't think it's scared him off (since he's not running off for the hills), but I'm sure it was scary to him. He WILL talk about his feelings if he absolutely has to, and he knows he needs to do this.

 

Babolat, how do you think I should let him chase me? I don't want to act weird, but I just want to make it seem like my life does not revolve around him. When we first started dating, it seemed like he was pursuing me. I would wait for him to do the texting/asking out. Then, it slowly reversed. He is a master of making sure I'm always left just a tiny bit hanging. It's a control thing for him, and it WORKS BEAUTIFULLY! He never gives me all of himself, even though he HAS become more intimate over time.

 

There have been many times when he's asked me to do something bigger with him--like going on vacation or some milestone type thing––but acted very nonchalant. At those moments, he won't be able to look me in the face––the confrontation makes him nervous or something. When he gets a drink in his system or becomes relaxed, he seems more into direct eye contact, laughing, being intimate, etc...

[Babolat]

Thank you for these comments. Yes, I agree that I have to heed the signs with this guy. He is absolutely and completely known in his circle of friends as a distant guy and a difficult sort of chap. He said the other night that he should just take some Xanax since it was really interfering with his life. It was a good discussion, and it seemed like he was acting close to me (despite his crazy work load right now). If he goes on a low dose of Xanax, it will be interesting to see what he's like. I am also hoping that the doctor will prescribe psychotherapy, because he could use it. He doesn't talk to anyone and isn't really close to anyone (except maybe one work friend). He holds everything in. Apparently, he DID seek therapy when he was married. Unfortunately, it did nothing; his relationship was too far gone.

 

Last year he ended up in the hospital with a serious illness. Nothing like turning 40 and almost dying to shake a guy up! He was very dependent on me while he was there and was very, very connected. The second he got out, he distanced himself. Obviously, he was depressed not to be able to do his normal athletic stuff, but it seemed like he got nervous.

 

I doubt that GAD is behind everything going on here. Most likely, every guy detests being pushed, and every guy likes a bit of a chase. In general, I am very, very independent (with my own money, my own burgeoning academic career, friends, etc...), but I have noticed that I've become awfully emotionally invested in him. This extreme interest in the relationship and his welfare might have come across as TOO SERIOUS at this point. I don't think it's scared him off (since he's not running off for the hills), but I'm sure it was scary to him. He WILL talk about his feelings if he absolutely has to, and he knows he needs to do this.

 

Babolat, how do you think I should let him chase me? I don't want to act weird, but I just want to make it seem like my life does not revolve around him. When we first started dating, it seemed like he was pursuing me. I would wait for him to do the texting/asking out. Then, it slowly reversed. He is a master of making sure I'm always left just a tiny bit hanging. It's a control thing for him, and it WORKS BEAUTIFULLY! He never gives me all of himself, even though he HAS become more intimate over time.

 

There have been many times when he's asked me to do something bigger with him--like going on vacation or some milestone type thing––but acted very nonchalant. At those moments, he won't be able to look me in the face––the confrontation makes him nervous or something. When he gets a drink in his system or becomes relaxed, he seems more into direct eye contact, laughing, being intimate, etc...

 

You may have scared him a bit with the emotions...though, don't beat yourself up. it's normal for you. It's not normal for him to receive it as I am the same way.

 

The chase...you have a much more established relationship from how I read it. I like the chase in the beginning..I like to ask a girl out for the next date..I like to plan it..I love to surprise. I alos love it when a girl gives me enough feedback to let me know she is interested, though not going overboard. The last girl I dated told me how much she missed me the day after our 2nd date. And then started texting me all day every day. Wow, talk about scaring me off.

 

I take klonopin, 1/2 25mg every morning. When I am feeling more anxious I will take the full 25mg.

 

He may also want to consider a job change too if he is too stressed. I did and it helped a lot.

[oldschool1]

Thank you again, Babolat,

 

Sounds like you've been pursued in a pretty crazy way. Texting someone all day is completely repugnant! Sorry you've had such a tough time. How did you end your relationships? My ex-husband also had terrible anxiety (not GAD---just constant work stresses), and I always picked those moments to flip out. He would push me away when he was busy, but I know he definitely loved me. Looks like my old habits die hard; I've gotten kooky before when my current boyfriend has a lot to do.

 

I am actually pretty slow about showing I care. If it took me 2 years to say "I love you", then you know I am on the slow track. It took me quite awhile to say and do sweet things with him, and I certainly don't overdo it. The funny thing is that my boyfriend seems to LIKE IT when I do sentimental things. He'll put my horrible drawings up on his refrigerator, and he bragged to his golf buddies about the hilarious decorated golf balls I made for him. But, perhaps sentimentality isn't the same as love.

 

He left on a business trip this morning and just sent a text to say that he made it, bla bla. Usually I will send little "have a good trip" messages, but I said nothing after I left his house yesterday morning. I am going to try to refrain from answering it (but will go feed his cat this weekend). He needs to miss me a little bit! So far, I haven't come on too strong this week, and he seems to be pursuing me. He asked ME out twice this week despite having the worst week ever and this trip. So, I am going to lay off. I'll be peppy and nice and everything but just a little less available, a little less chatty with my texts, and a little less obvious.

 

A male suitor who tried to get me into a relationship before HAPPENS to be in town and wants to go on a minor road trip with me this weekend. I think having a little competitive male attention could be a good thing, but I need to be careful here. I would never cheat on my boyfriend though, and this other man knows I am in a monogamous relationship. Honestly, it would just be a welcome distraction. Is this just playing with fire?

 

Thanks again, everyone.

[Babolat]

Thank you again, Babolat,

 

Sounds like you've been pursued in a pretty crazy way. Texting someone all day is completely repugnant! Sorry you've had such a tough time. How did you end your relationships? My ex-husband also had terrible anxiety (not GAD---just constant work stresses), and I always picked those moments to flip out. He would push me away when he was busy, but I know he definitely loved me. Looks like my old habits die hard; I've gotten kooky before when my current boyfriend has a lot to do.

 

I am actually pretty slow about showing I care. If it took me 2 years to say "I love you", then you know I am on the slow track. It took me quite awhile to say and do sweet things with him, and I certainly don't overdo it. The funny thing is that my boyfriend seems to LIKE IT when I do sentimental things. He'll put my horrible drawings up on his refrigerator, and he bragged to his golf buddies about the hilarious decorated golf balls I made for him. But, perhaps sentimentality isn't the same as love.

 

He left on a business trip this morning and just sent a text to say that he made it, bla bla. Usually I will send little "have a good trip" messages, but I said nothing after I left his house yesterday morning. I am going to try to refrain from answering it (but will go feed his cat this weekend). He needs to miss me a little bit! So far, I haven't come on too strong this week, and he seems to be pursuing me. He asked ME out twice this week despite having the worst week ever and this trip. So, I am going to lay off. I'll be peppy and nice and everything but just a little less available, a little less chatty with my texts, and a little less obvious.

 

A male suitor who tried to get me into a relationship before HAPPENS to be in town and wants to go on a minor road trip with me this weekend. I think having a little competitive male attention could be a good thing, but I need to be careful here. I would never cheat on my boyfriend though, and this other man knows I am in a monogamous relationship. Honestly, it would just be a welcome distraction. Is this just playing with fire?

 

Thanks again, everyone.

 

How did I end the last one? Many ways, none of which she accepted. I finally had to tell her to never text, email, call or come ot my house again. What a mess.

 

Regarding texting, what I do now is not immediately reply unless we are engaging in a conversation. Give it a few hours, maybe a day. Then just a quick text that says you are thinking of him is appropriate in my opinion. I think you are taking the right approach with texting...let him miss you. It's nice though, at least for me, to get a little text that tells me they are thinking of me. Nothing long and crazy though.

 

2 years to say I love you and taking your time to do special things is quite attractive to me.

 

Yes, I think you are playing with fire unless you talk to your current BF first about meeting up with this other person.

[oldschool1]

I decided NOT to hang out with that other man. It seemed like a recipe for disaster. Thanks for the reality check!

 

My boyfriend is coming back to town tomorrow, and I will see him then. I have barely texted him at all since he left--just the bare minimum so that he knows I'm not avoiding him or being odd. A day went by with zero communication, and then I got an I miss you text today. Yes, a completely unsolicited, heartfelt display of feelings! Shocking!! I think he's only done this a few times in two years. Usually I beat him to the punch. While "I miss you" is child's play for most people, he is not most people. We're talking about the king of the greys.

 

Either he paid attention to what I said last week (when I said I needed to know he cared) or the time away/lack of attention from me made a difference. Perhaps all of the above. When I busted out with the I love you and the massive freakout, I knew that this could polarize the relationship; he would inch toward me OR run away screaming. Considering that it's not in character for him to sprint toward anything except the handlebars of his treadmill, I am pleased that he's (subtly) showing me he cares. He is about to graduate from his night program this week, so that should free up some time. He's always going to be a busy guy (which I actually like), but this will definitely alleviate some stress.

 

He also did the asking this week, which was good. He used to do ALL the asking, and somehow we switched roles––at least regarding in-town plans. Since I have become the one who pushes (in my not-so-pushy way), it might make him think that the relationship is MY IDEA rather than HIS. So, I am going to try to let him do the asking and the contacting and all of that good stuff.

[oldschool1]

Rrrgh, I spoke too fast!

 

My boyfriend just got home from his trip tonight. We had talked about possibly doing something tonight upon his return, but he was way too tired to do anything tonight (and tomorrow night is his final exam/last day at school). He sounded apologetic and all and that he wouldn't be good company tonight. No, we didn't have definitive plans, and he's normally good about keeping dates. But what I don't understand is why he can't get it together after not having seen me since Wednesday morning! He asked if we could do something Tuesday night (since Monday night is his class), and I said yes. I was basically nice about it but not overly peppy. Honestly, I am somewhat annoyed.

 

He said that he was a mess/exhausted, but come on!! I don't always understand him--why say he missed me and then waste a perfectly decent opportunity to see me? I think he's much less into immediate gratification than I am---or he doesn't REALLY want to see me.

 

I REALLY hope that things get better when his school ends. The last month has been terrible. While we normally spend 3 nights a week together, it's been more like 2 (and just once this week). Unusual circumstances of course, but RRRRGHH! Perhaps I will bite my tongue (I did say it was "too bad") and hope for the best. He knows when he has displeased me at least...

[oldschool1]

Things have definitely improved since that horrible fight 5 weeks ago. My boyfriend has wanted to spend way more time with me than he ever did before. In general, it seems that he's kicked things up to the next level. He has planned far-off trips for us and seems less distant. Maybe our fight was a wake-up call--because he seems to have woken up!

 

Of course things aren't perfect, but I do feel like he is trying to show he cares.

[oldschool1]

Update: things continue to go well with my boyfriend. We do spend much more time together then we used to (5xweek up from more like 3) and continue to get along perfectly/have super sex/play lots of sports together.

 

And now for a subtle but wacky moment from last night:

 

As we were falling asleep after spending a nice evening together, my boyfriend said "Goodnight" and then "LOVE YOU". At least, I THINK that's what he said (I am only about 85% sure, but it certainly didn't sound like any other two syllable late night utterance he'd ever make). And no, we hadn't just had sex!! We were cuddling and not facing each other, so it was a very relaxed setting. I didn't say anything but squeezed him a bit extra.

 

Was this an attempt to say I love you in a non-confrontational way, or could this be a mistake? I should mention that this is the most careful man on earth. He is not a particularly shy person in general, but he is extremely shy/uncomfortable with emotional displays. I could imagine an accidental I love you from anyone else, but this guy has gone 2 years and 3 months with NO mistakes!!

 

Any advice here? My instinct is to say nothing and just carry on like before. Or should I take the leap of saying it again sometime soon? After our horrible fight 3 months ago when I first said I love you (if you remember, he said he wasn't "ready to say I love you" yet), I have shut my mouth and allowed HIM to escalate the relationship. And he certainly has...

 

As per our fight, he equates "I love you" with "I want to marry you." That may relate to his failure to say the words. But, what is "LOVE YOU?" Some kind of entry point to the wonderful world of love?

 

Thank you!

[MysticM]

I TOTALLY relate to everything you wrote, in fact, I feel like I'm having a relationship with your BF's brother lol.

 

And very similar circumstances, only we have been dating for less than a year.

 

Rob, my BF, is exactly the same way... and since I've pulled back, he seems to be coming around more and more. He's the same age as your BF and also divorced to a "not so nice" lady who cheated on him unexpectedly after 10 years of marriage, so he's a little gun-shy, understandably.

 

I really feel like he's someone I want to commit to over the long-term (he has every quality I'm looking for) and while everything in his actions states that he too would like to be with me long-term (like trips, meeting his parents, him meeting mine, doing things with our families, etc...) I would like to spend more time with him than we do and would love for him to be more verbally expressive (maybe it’s a girl thing?). Anyways, keep posting updates, I totally relate to your story!! And it’s nice to hear what’s working/not and that I’m not the only one facing this type of thing. J

[MysticM]

RE: the "love you"... my BF always says to "look at his actions" as verbalizing can be tough for him. He admits he doesn't like to "talk about his feelings"... really think it's his introverted nature. He doesn't like to be openly vulnerable and while it is one of the things that attracted me to him, I totally sense that I'll be having the same fight as you had a year down the road, when gosh-darn-it, I want a little emotion thrown my way!!

[oldschool1]

Thanks for your posting, MysticM.

 

My boyfriend DOES have a brother, but his name isn't Rob. Guess it would only be problematic if your boyfriend turned out to be MY BOYFRIEND!! So I think we're ok...

 

Gosh, it is challenging dealing with these types of men. I am a fairly confident, talkative person, and I tend to be attracted to more introverted or subtle types. To be frank, my boyfriend is EXACTLY like my father (a very responsible/polite/stuffy/kind person), so I feel like I understand this type of man. I have seen my father become more emotionally expressive, so change is possible. However, many men are not prone to verbal displays of affection, and your boyfriend may never write you over-the-top poetry. The Swedish always say "I miss you a little bit", because why attempt to quantify the ENORMITY of one's feelings? So look for the modest beauty in your boyfriend's subtle love language.

 

It's horrible to admit that playing (slightly) hard to get does work. When I first met my boyfriend, I was just coming out of a marriage. So I wasn't thinking about relationships and my biological clock. That might have made me more attractive, because it forced HIM to bring up exclusivity, "where are we going" talks and planning dates and trips. Somewhere along the line, we switched roles. I started to do more of the asking, and that made HIS time seem more valuable. Now that he has more time (and I actually have a bit less), things feel more balanced. A male friend advised me to make sure I'm not ALWAYS available to my bf. I won't just run over to his house every single time he comes calling, and I also make sure I don't cater to his every whim (in terms of cooking, activities, etc...). To be honest, it feels natural to just be myself and do what I want. And all of the resentment I was building toward my bf is gone.

 

Mystic, I think a relationship with these men requires a lot of patience. These scarred individuals scare easily, so freaking out is not usually the answer. My boyfriend is a very, very mature person in many respects, but he becomes a bratty boy/legal shark/dense stone in a fight. While I regret losing it on my boyfriend a few months ago (ok, one moment of extreme exasperation in 2 years isn't that bad), I did absolve myself of that building resentment. I also got through to him on some level. He is generally stubborn in a fight but then ends up doing the thing I had originally asked.

 

Mystic, I am no expert, but I would think that it's a good sign that your boyfriend is slowly integrating you into his life. Why don't you all spend more time together? Is he just too busy or unwilling to let you in? Remember that the amount of time spent together isn't the best indicator of "seriousness"; I know people who see each other nightly but are FWB, and I also know serious couples who formally date for years before moving in together or getting married. If I may ask, how long has your boyfriend been divorced? My boyfriend has mentioned that when he first separated from his wife, he was in NO place for a relationship. Fortunately, he has been divorced for over 5 years now and is over the hump---well, he still has his issues!!

 

I really do think that patience is key. Divorced men (especially recently divorced ones) do not usually jump right back into marriage, but they DO often get married again. If you want to be on the fast track to marriage and kids, then this guy COULD be problematic. Have you all talked about that stuff at all?

[MysticM]

So funny that you would give the example of the Swedish saying “I miss you a little bit” as my BF always says “I miss you mildly…” it’s a running joke that any expression of emotion is proceeded by MILDLY (from both of us). )))

 

We see each other usually 2 times per week. We are both busy single parents with very full lives… but we manage to speak almost nightly and text often…

 

He has been separated for 2 years, divorce to be finalized anytime now, so definitely, things are still fresh, but I DO know that he has never felt the way he feels towards me… he has said this and does not mince words or use words lightly either. He always thinks before he speaks (which I also admire, as I tend to think aloud…)

 

I know what you mean about being less available… every time I don’t contact him for the day, he is always quick on the draw, almost concerned.

 

He too is JUST like my father in many ways, which is obviously what attracted me to him in the first place.

 

It’s funny, I’m certain I could marry him… and yet, were he to ask me tomorrow, I’m really not sure what I would say. I need time to adjust/incorporate him into my life also, truth be told. And yet… I want more. I guess that is truly how a good relationship should be, always leaving you wanting a bit more. J

[oldschool1]

Hi Mystic,

 

How funny that you all say "I miss you mildly!" I guess the French also talk of "little loves" too, but the "mildly" bit seems particularly Swedish. Obviously, you two use the expression in jest. If you didn't really miss each other, you wouldn't be making that joke!

 

From the sound of it, your boyfriend feels VERY strongly about you. If you guys are both parents, then that would explain the lack of constant hanging out. With lives like yours, it could take years to move on marriage/cohabitating/integrating. Sometimes divorced people with kids move onto marriage quickly, but most people I know wait until the families are comfortable with the idea. Personally, I think you're smart to avoid rash decisions. There's really no hurry on marriage and deciding the rest of your life. Besides, you already have kids, so you don't necessarily have to stress about the biological clock business (unless you plan to have more children).

 

Also, you actually speak on the phone. My boyfriend and I NEVER do that unless there's a pressing reason. Neither of us likes talking on the phone, but I could see how phone conversations might promote intimacy.

 

It seems like you guys just need more time. If you're saying that your boyfriend doesn't seem very concerned about you unless he DOESN'T hear from you, then it could mean a variety of factors. Perhaps he is confident that you're ok with things and rests on his laurels (my boyfriend does this). If you seem pissed, distant or noncommunicative, does he suddenly become attentive? My boyfriend is also this way. Since I'm happy 99% of the time, my boyfriend doesn't feel a constant threat. Is your boyfriend a bit selfish? Sometimes I think that being a pain could be the answer. Certainly, I have become a little tougher on my boyfriend when he doesn't answer a text or when he shows up late.

 

It's hard to know, isn't it? The bottom line is that my boyfriend does not make me feel loved---at least, not yet. Before, I didn't feel like the relationship was a constant, and now I feel that it is. Before, I wouldn't ask him for anything, and now I feel more comfortable doing so. But, I am still wondering whether he's in it to win it. So much has changed for the better over the last 3 or 4 months, but certain other things are still not there yet. So, I can't call it a "dead-end relationship", since it's continuously moving in a direction of closeness. But at a snail's pace...

 

Oops---I was supposed to be giving you advice about your own life, but I mostly blabbed about myself! Hope you're doing well.