zingy'd Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 I got an approval from the credit union for a loan up to $10,000 for a new vehicle. I want another bronco or some kind of SUV. I want my boyfriend to go with me to look at a few that I have found. yesterday he could not go because he had to work. I understand that, so I went alone, borrrring! so today I found another bronco down the street here and I asked him if he would go with me to look at it. he said "no, he does not want to run around to all these different car lots looking at cars". crap I went with him to many a car lots a few years back and I go with him to some places that I really don't care to go to but he asks me so I go. the other day he said this is my deal, I have to find what I want and make the decision and buy it or not buy it. that is not what I am asking him to do! he acts like I am asking him for a right arm or leg or something, when I have told him all I want is his company, to come with me for. yet does he think he is teaching me something, independence, decision making? what is his problem man? what ever it is I am so hurt that when he said "no" to me this morning I was literally fighting back tears. I just want him to go with me, not tell me what I should buy or not buy, but maybe give me his opinion, as I value his opinions, but I don't want him to decide anything for me! and yes i have told him this too, so he knows that! i just mainly want his company, like something we can do together if only for a short moment. uggggh....am I being too sensitive on this? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 that is not what I am asking him to do! he acts like I am asking him for a right arm or leg or something, when I have told him all I want is his company, to come with me for. yet does he think he is teaching me something, independence, decision making? what is his problem man? what ever it is I am so hurt that when he said "no" to me this morning I was literally fighting back tears. I just want him to go with me, not tell me what I should buy or not buy, but maybe give me his opinion, as I value his opinions, but I don't want him to decide anything for me! and yes i have told him this too, so he knows that! i just mainly want his company, like something we can do together if only for a short moment. uggggh....am I being too sensitive on this? No. John Gottman (noted researcher on marriage and relationships) says that the way a couple responds to 'bids for attention' is very important to how the couple functions. The couples in our laboratory that turn out to have long happy marriages are responding to 96% of their partners’ bids for attention by turning toward them with attention. That is a huge amount. In contrast, couples headed for divorce are responding only 30% of the time. http://www.erickson-foundation.org/news/Archives/21(3)/interview%20-%20John%20Gottman.htm You made a 'bid for attention' by asking him to accompany you. He turned you down It is a form of rejection and that's why you're so sad about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 There seems to be a gaping hole in the statistics between happily married couples and those headed for divorce: For example, what happens to the couples that only responded to "bids for attention" 80%, or 70%, or 60%, or 50%, or 40% of the time? Zing'd my advise is to impress him with you independence, go get the car, and DO NOT resent the fact that he didn't respond to your "bid for attention." This isn't that major a deal, but your emotions might turn him off, and any lingering resentment will tear you up much more than it will him.....LET THEM GO. Frankly, even the term "bid for attention" sounds like the resulting cry of a two year old that just went boom-boom and needs a diaper change. Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 Your request seems reasonable enough and his refusal seems equally reasonable. He doesn't want to go. I hate to go all 'Mars and Venus' on ya, but that the thing about how men and women view things differently. We often give and it's understood for the sake of 'fairness' that we will be expecting 'payback' sometime down the line. When men give it's because they want to, at that moment it makes them happy to make us happy and they are not mentally totting up debt or 'repaying' for earlier kindnesses. It's a kind of 'short term' memory loss that men have but it means they rarely run into this kind of fury over such things. Sure they probably need support and the occasional 'ego stroke' more than women and the balance has to be more or less equal over time or someone somewhere gets resentful, but it's always got to be because each party wants to make the other person happy. No one owes you a thing. You do things just to support him and were asking for his support (or 'attention' or whatever you want to call it) on this occasion. He refused for whatever reason. I can understand being a bit upset (because I'm female) but as Samson says, in the scheme of things it's not the biggest deal. If he NEVER supports or helps you you may have a problem Huston, but don't go over and kick him because in his mind he had a choice to refuse your request when in your mind he did not. R. Ps. Of course, he NEVER gets to drive when you get the car and I hereby authorize you to play your Abba tapes full blast whenever he rides with you as fitting punishment for his neglect.... Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 I'd decided that I needed to P.S. withsomething like: If he NEVER supports or helps you you may have a problem Houston but, Reckless beat me to it. Instead I'll say this: I give Zing'd a WHOLE LOTTA CREDIT for even having asked am I being too sensitive on this? It seems many women would have stopped at what is his problem man? Maybe he doesn't know anything about cars? Or maybe he does: If he's ever bought one then he knows what 90% of car owners know--- that buying a car is an unpleasent stressful activity that should be avoided at every opportunity. Why don't you invite him to hike down an active volcano instead? Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 I can relate to you feeling bad about this, I probably would too. But I think the others have offered some good male perspectives here. Sometimes men just don't get what a woman wants. It's not actually their fault. Of course, if this kind of things happens all the time, then that is not good at all. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Some people just don't like shopping, especially when it comes to shopping with someone else. I know I *detest* shopping with anyone...because most people are slow and pokey, and I'm the kind of shopper who can see what I want immediately, I buy it and get the heck out of the store. I'm not one to spend all day wandering around from store to store, I see no point in window shopping..I just want to get in and get out. Maybe you boyfriend is like that? Maybe he figures you're an adult and you should be independent enough to buy your own vehicle. Afterall, many women don't have someone to go with them and have to "do their homework" and purchase a vehicle on their own. There's tons of info online about what to do/not do when buying a used vehicle...it's really not rocket science. Maybe you just caught him when he wasn't in a good mood or he was tired or he'd had a long hard day or whatever. Our partners are only human, we can't expect them to be perfect. Link to post Share on other sites
zingy again Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 thanks alot for all of the replys! i have done a ton of research on every single vehicle that i have been interested in through CONSUMER GUIDE, in the end that helped and also confused me. i have narrowed my choices down to a bronco (again) a newer one though or a chevy s10 blazer as i want an SUV. he did end up feeling bad and went with me anyway! i was very happy about that and i told him again that i don't want his opinion or approval or disapproval or anything, i just wanted his company, that was all! we do alot of stuff together and we enjoy doing things together, especially on sundays when we have nothing planned and it is a lazy day like today was and i thought it would be something to do. so when he refused my invite i felt crushed. i felt like a rejected little kid as so he went with me anyway and even took me to a few other lots without my even asking him! i felt quite ashamed afterwards though i have to admit. i felt like such a rejected little kid, uggggh, LOL. oh well all is well again on the home front! thanks so much everybody for such wonderful help! next time i get rejection like that i hope i can catch it before i feel so awful and small about the rejection, that really bites to feel that pain. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Frankly, even the term "bid for attention" sounds like the resulting cry of a two year old that just went boom-boom and needs a diaper change Argue it with Gottman, then. His institute's been doing some pretty interesting research. Link to post Share on other sites
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