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Being ignored infuriates me - tired of it being a problem


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OriginalPenguin

Over the years I have found myself in situations where I end up either in arguments or fights with people around me over this. Some examples:

 

- Talk to a friend early in the day and he agrees to stop by later. Doesn't give me a time frame so I wait around all day. By the evening I have gone from mildly irritated to outright pissed off, tell him off and we didn't speak for months.

 

- work related; emails go unanswered, people say things like "I don't recall that email can you send it again?". I always take that is B.S., emails dont just vanish, you are ignoring me

 

- relationships: this never used to be a problem for me but within the past couple of years I have noticed that while in a relationship I put WAY too much stock in texting. i.e. if I don't initiate things and then don't hear anything I take it as being ignored. Example is: send a text to my girlfriend in the morning, I don't hear anything back all day (which is unusual). I ask if everything is ok, she says she just didn't want to bother me. Something tells me that any well adjusted human being would accept that at face value but I find myself questioning that and imagining all sorts of scenarios.

 

It creates a lot of tension and I am so tired of it, both for my own well being and the people around me. Especially those I love.

 

I know this is a problem with me and it's not getting better. I have lost friends over it, strained relationships and if I am not careful it may cost me my job.

 

Am currently seeing a therapist and soon my girlfriend and I will be attending together, thing is I am not sure how to bring this up...do I just spill it like I did in this post?

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Philosoraptor

I am reading a lot of insecurity from your post, but also a shade of a controlling nature. Nothing wrong with it, just what I read.

 

I would be direct with people and ask for a time. If you don't get one then you don't wait around. Emails you should forward from your sent box so they can see when it was sent. Just a subtle little jab so it wont continue to happen.

 

Bring everything you said up to your therapist before your girlfriend comes with you.

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OriginalPenguin
I am reading a lot of insecurity from your post, but also a shade of a controlling nature. Nothing wrong with it, just what I read.

 

No offense taken, this is really not news to me as it has been suggested before. I am a bit stubborn too and have come to realize that this actually IS a form of control. It's hard for me to admit but I am willing to.

 

I would be direct with people and ask for a time. If you don't get one then you don't wait around. Emails you should forward from your sent box so they can see when it was sent. Just a subtle little jab so it wont continue to happen.

 

Bring everything you said up to your therapist before your girlfriend comes with you.

 

Thank you!

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OriginalPenguin

 

I have the same problem myself and would like to know whats wrong with me. If I txt or call someone and they don't answer me within some time I start bombarding them with asking "did you get my txt, why didnt you answer" etc. Is this just insecurity or what? It doesn't just limit to txt/phone calls but my life in general. I'm one messed up individual. I know I don't have any self esteem left, no self pride and I wallow in self pity.

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Over the years I have found myself in situations where I end up either in arguments or fights with people around me over this. Some examples:

 

- Talk to a friend early in the day and he agrees to stop by later. Doesn't give me a time frame so I wait around all day. By the evening I have gone from mildly irritated to outright pissed off, tell him off and we didn't speak for months.

How to solve this? In the future if someone says they're gonna drop by, tell them to call first to make sure you're home. This way you're not 'waiting' for whomever to drop by and have it ruin your day. Or ask for an exact time.

 

I think in this situation you over reacted and blasting him was too much. Hense why you two didn't speak for a few months. Keep things in perspective and pick your battles.

 

You chose to stay home..If you wanted to go out and hadn't heard from your friend, why didn't you call to find out if he was still going to drop by?

 

- work related; emails go unanswered, people say things like "I don't recall that email can you send it again?". I always take that is B.S., emails dont just vanish, you are ignoring me

 

CC work email to yourself, this way you have a copy of it and proof that you sent out the email to co worker(s). Don't assume the worst that people are ignoring you, it could very well be that they got busy and forgot to read your email and somehow got pushed further down their mail and then got deleted. Mistakes happen. Usually it isn't personal at work, especially if it's work related email. But, if it continues, then discuss it with your boss.

 

- relationships: this never used to be a problem for me but within the past couple of years I have noticed that while in a relationship I put WAY too much stock in texting. i.e. if I don't initiate things and then don't hear anything I take it as being ignored. Example is: send a text to my girlfriend in the morning, I don't hear anything back all day (which is unusual). I ask if everything is ok, she says she just didn't want to bother me. Something tells me that any well adjusted human being would accept that at face value but I find myself questioning that and imagining all sorts of scenarios.

 

Quit the texting and pick up the phone and call her!

It's so easy to take things the wrong way and out of context.

 

Why do you allow yourself to think all sorts of senarios? All that does is make you feel worse and doubt her, mistrust her at words. Has she ever given you reason to doubt her or not trust her?? If no, then trust and have some faith!

 

It creates a lot of tension and I am so tired of it, both for my own well being and the people around me. Especially those I love.

 

Yes it does. You need to try to be positive and have a stronger out look on things, do your best to tell yourself everything is okay. Usually what you think about/worry about isn't really what is truly going on. Minds have a way of playing tricks, making one feel worse! Don't give into it.

 

I know this is a problem with me and it's not getting better. I have lost friends over it, strained relationships and if I am not careful it may cost me my job.

 

Have you considered doing therapy? CBT (Cognitive behaviour therapy) to help you gain confidence, learn how to handle and cope with stuff better? This is a problem and if you don't learn to control this aspect of your life, it's going to get worse.

 

Am currently seeing a therapist and soon my girlfriend and I will be attending together, thing is I am not sure how to bring this up...do I just spill it like I did in this post?

 

Oops, I see you're already seeing a Therapist.

 

Just be honest and speak from your heart. You're a good guy..You just need to calm your mind down and not get upset/worked up over the little things in life that truly aren't worth freaking over.

 

Do yourself a favour..start a daily journal. WRite out every feeling, thought, things that piss you off and why. Keep track of what you eat and how much you sleep too.

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OriginalPenguin

whichwayisup, thank you for all that information! It is good to hear some practical advice; now I just need to spray paint it all over the place so I remember it. :laugh:

 

Everything you have said makes sense. I just want to comment on this:

 

 

Why do you allow yourself to think all sorts of senarios? All that does is make you feel worse and doubt her, mistrust her at words. Has she ever given you reason to doubt her or not trust her?? If no, then trust and have some faith!

 

.

 

To be honest, we are struggling. Our relationship has had some severe dips and we are both to blame for different reasons. Obviously my paranoid behaviour doesn't help, but she has given me reason in the past to wonder, as her preferred method to resolve conflict is to put up walls and stop all communication. She knows she needs to work on this so I try to be patient and I have to give her credit, she really is trying. Sometimes it creeps back in and she realizees it, sometimes its not even there and I suspect it based on past experience.

 

So we have some work to do and hopefully the therapy will help. I will also bring up some of the things you mention and I will take them to heart.

 

Thank you!

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OriginalPenguin

Struggling at this very moment....talked to my GF around 4 today and she was busy so I suggested she call me later this evening when she has a chance. She agreed.

 

I got a few texts up until 2 hours ago but no call.

 

So, here I am. Wondering, am I just not worth her time? Did she fall asleep? Is she out with somebody else?

 

Sigh

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