confused44 Posted January 6, 2004 Share Posted January 6, 2004 Hi, My ex claims he is a straight man and would never let a man touch him. He is a white male and in his thirties. He has always been very dominant. Our relationship was very on and off and lasted for almost two years. In thelatter part of our relationship he asked me to have anal sex with him. He had a black strap on dildo which he put on me and everyone i know thinks this is something only a gay man would do. It wasn't a small vibrator or anything it was a large black dildo. It wasn't just anal penetration he enjoyed the entire act. he sucked off the dildo and begged for it. i love this man and was ready to marry him. We have never had intercourse together, do you think that he is gay or bi. Other then this i would never have guessed he would be bi, but every straight male friend i know claims they would never ever let anything like that happen. Any thoughts would be appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted January 6, 2004 Share Posted January 6, 2004 Bi-curious perhaps? If he was gay, do you think he would still be with you? I mean you said you were wanting to marry this guy. Had the two of you been active in these plans? Also, if this bothers you (the whole situation with the strap-on), then talk to him about it. I should think you would feel comfortable doing so, if you're thinking of marriage. However, if you LIKED it - what's the problem? Oh, and don't tell all your friends about this (especially if he knows them)! It should be private, IMO. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 6, 2004 Share Posted January 6, 2004 I think you can still marry him if he's bisexual, as that's not a license for him to start sexually pursuing men. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 6, 2004 Share Posted January 6, 2004 Oh goodness. Lots of men enjoy anal stimulation, up to and including penetration with sex toys. This doesn't make them bisexual. It makes them orifice-friendly or something. When something is inserted in the anus, it can stimulate the prostate, which is very pleasurable to lots of men. If you Bisexuals and homosexuals use the anus because men lack any other useful orifice is all. If nobody knew that bisexuals and homosexuals had anal sex, I bet a lot more men would be glad to explore the sensations they could get there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused44 Posted January 6, 2004 Author Share Posted January 6, 2004 Yeah but he still hasn't had sex with me. We never talked about marriage, like I said our relationship was on and off. He knew I wanted to marry him though. I'm a virgin and I would do anything to please him. When i was finally ready to have sex with him he turned me down. He has had a lot of problems in his past relationships. I really am so confused because he wont talk to me about any of it. He claims he did this with me to turn me off of him because he thought i would be disgusted by it. I enjoyed it and so did he, and I dont think anything in a relationship is wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused44 Posted January 7, 2004 Author Share Posted January 7, 2004 I dont know if this gives some more info on the situation, but i hope it helps to understand the situation better. I'll answer any questions that you may think are relevant. You see, i'm a virgin and my ex is the first guy that i've really been with. I've crossed a lot of boundaries with him and i trust him more then anything in this world. i love him and even though we're not together, i have to admit that i hope one day we can be. He says that i'm not the one but yet we always end up back with each other. When i was finally ready to have sex with him, he turned me down. I always assumed that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with a virgin, but everybody i know thinks, maybe he just doens't want to have sex with a girl. He lies a lot, but i dont want him to think that i would judge him or think bad about him. Truthfully i would rather hear that he doesn't want to be with me because i'm a girl then some of the other things he's said. I dont know i'm just so confused. Truthfully, i enjoyed pleasing him so I didnt mind it at all. i would do anything to please my partner. I guess it doesn't matter as much know since we're not together, i am just trying to understand the entire situation better. if you have any other thoughts, please share them:) Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 I think he has enough sense to realize that taking a girl's virginity when that girl doesn't wish to believe him when he says that she's not the one would be a VERY stupid thing to do. You would have fallen even harder for him than you already have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused44 Posted January 7, 2004 Author Share Posted January 7, 2004 no he said that taking my virginity doesn't matter, he doesn't care. He's just waiting till he wants it then he'll take it. he was very sure of this when he said it. I asked him if that was it. He specifically said no. Also, we've done so many other things that i swore to him i would only do with my husband. If i tell him i'm trying to seperate my emotions from him, he specifically does things he knows that makes me emotionaly attatched to him. So i dont believe he's looking out for me on that end Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Good lord, girl! Could you be more manipulated? Don't you think maybe you deserve somebody who treats you much better than this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused44 Posted January 7, 2004 Author Share Posted January 7, 2004 I'm not going to sit here and defend myself or even try and make excuses that sound good. As i said we are not together right now. I still do love him but i guess i realize the future is not really there. I feel like there is osmething wrong with me right now, and i just want to try and make sense of everything that happened. I gave him my heart and soul, and i was ready to give him my body forever. I can't help that i love him so much. I know he wasn't a great guy to me, but i'm not perfect either. I'd still like to be his friend in the future, but i'm beginning to think thats not possible. Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Maybe he made such a big deal out of how good it felt, so you'd let him do it to you? Just a thought. He sounds like a weirdo to me...not because of the strap on incident, but because he wouldn't have sex with you. Unless he is big into church, that is weird. P.S. It doesn't sound like you are old enough to be having sex any way. This relationship is way to on and off to go giving up your first time to this guy. Plus, like moimeme said, he's totally manipulating you...very childishly. Maybe he's a virgin? Plus, you shouldn't be in love with an on and off boyfriend who does you this way...if you were old enough and mature enough to be sleeping with someone, you'd have enough sense to ditch this bozo. Not saying that I'm any better...I did some of the same stupid crap before I met the man of my dreams. I just really recommend growing up before having sex...I lost it at 19, and it still devistated me. Please don't be so stupid as to give your virginity to someone who says you aren't the one....especially if you want your first to be the man you marry. I wanted my first to be the man I married, and I gave it up to my fiance....who dumped me 2 days later. talk about heartache. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused44 Posted January 7, 2004 Author Share Posted January 7, 2004 Umh i'm 25 and he's 32 so i think i'm old enough. He's definately not into the church. He's had other partners in his life. I am attatched to him, because i've shared many BIG firsts with him. It I imagine was difficult for him to be in a relationship where sex as in intercourse wasn't involved when he was so used to having it. The first time he cheated he said, well sometimes penetration is nice. So i guess you could say i understand why we were on and off in that respect. What i dont understand is why he said no when i was finally ready. If he didnt care about me, he would have slept with me.(if that was all he was waiting for) So he had to say no for some other reason. Believe it or not, the fact that he has said no to sex, but we've shared other things(which in my opinion are more intimate) then it makes me more attatched. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused44 Posted January 7, 2004 Author Share Posted January 7, 2004 Oh yeah, i'm really sorry about your ex fiance. That is absolutely horrible. I'm glad you're with someone worthy of you now. I'm sure God had a reason for the way your life happened, and you appreciate the man you are with now, even more. Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 I'm sorry....since you are a virgin, I assumed a youngster. Well, in that case, you are mature enough to ditch this loser. Get over him, before you give him EVERYTHING. I was NOT in most opinions free with my sexuality, but my first intimate everything and I broke up....then I had my first sex....and we broke up....then I had my first love...and we broke up...then, I had the first guy that I didn't have anything left to give to, and we got married Honestly, I can understand being connected to someone who you've shared intimacy with. Who cares if this guy is gay or bi? I don't think he is...he probably just wanted to try something new with you. Maybe he feels so intimate with you that he doesn't want to have sex with you, until he feels like you two are going to make it to the alter. Some men are like that! My husband won't have sex with me unless we are getting along. If he has any hard feelings toward me, he WON'T have sex with me. I'm embarassed to say that whether I'm mad at him or not I will sometimes try to put the moves on him....mostly in hopes it will help us make up. Like moimeme has said many times...some men need intimacy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused44 Posted January 7, 2004 Author Share Posted January 7, 2004 Now i'm more confused. Thats the reason i love him so much, he is the first man i've slept with it for the entire night and we just held each other. He can be so cruel to me though. He'll tell me i'm ugly or fat, or that there are so many other women he'd rather be with. Yet he can be so sweet as well. Sometimes i wish that he would have just tried to sleep with me and left me, because then i couldnt deny it. Its the other feelings that he needs me that confuse me. I know what you mean about hitting on him even when things are bad....i've done that. I dont really know how he should treat me or what should be expected of either one of us. I hate fighting and i hate when he's hurt or upset. I always try and fix things. He' s only said sorry once and that to later on he said he made a mistake in coming back. It wasn't the first time he had tried this anal thing...i just know he had done it several times before. Now i'm feeling really bad and i want to try talking to him, but i know i just need to give him and i time to sort things out. Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 He's told you he'd rather be with other women? He's called you fat? That isn't very sensitive. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 I'm sorry to have to say this, but he's playing a really cruel mind game with you. Making you feel ashamed about your body, telling you he prefers other women to you, the whole sex thing -- it's just a way of being mentally cruel to you just because he can, and he knows you will let him treat you that way because you care about him. Run run run away from this man, he's an emotional vampire! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 just need to give him and i time to sort things out. No. You don't. Just ditch the jerk. He calls you names, tells you you're not 'the one' and still you think you have some sort of relationship with him? Girl, this is NOT how any self-respecting woman should be treated. Get out of that relationship and save yourself because you're sinking fast. Do NOT let any man treat you that way!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 I dont really know how he should treat me or what should be expected of either one of us. I hate fighting and i hate when he's hurt or upset. I always try and fix things. He' s only said sorry once and that to later on he said he made a mistake in coming back. This is how a man should treat you: The same as you do him....sometimes better My husband gets out of bed on his day off before me, and cooks me breakfast. My husband never calls me fat, but rather when I complain about being fat, suggests ways that I could lose weight (which I don't like, but it's better than calling me fat) my husband would NEVER tell me that there is another woman he'd rather be with...if he makes that mistake, I'll come up with some man that I'd rather be with. My husband makes an effort to make me happy ALWAYS, not most of the time. Sweetheart, please let him go. Take your virginity to someone who deserves it. Leave him now, and cherish the memories, but let them stay memories. You are not married to him, and he's left you yet again, so please PLEASE don't go back to him. Get your self esteem back. Paint your toe-nails, get your nails done, get hair extensions, get a perm, get hair coloring, buy some new clothes, find a favorite TV program that comes on every night, that you CAN'T miss *I recommend the Nanny * please find something else to occupy your time than him. Please. And as for is he gay...I doubt it. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 And as for is he gay...I doubt it. If he was, he'd be a hell of a lot nicer to you. And yes, I know, that was a generalization but still.. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 There's been alot said in this thread but this just bothers me for some reason and makes me think if this guy isn't bi-curious, he's acting very closely to it... It wasn't a small vibrator or anything it was a large black dildo. It wasn't just anal penetration he enjoyed the entire act. he sucked off the dildo and begged for it. Then he turns down sex with a virgin whose willing and able to do whatever pleases him.....I just think something weird is going on with him sexually...not something you want to deal with either!! Now that was just to answer you initial questions, you've throw out so much about this guy that I can't find one redeeming factor about him other than he's got a wonderful woman in having you as his girlfriend. Which really, really needs to change. This guy has broken all the rules that a male could break in a relationship. You deserve to lose your virginity to someone that loves you unconditionally and will make it the best experience ever. This guy may decide when it's time to bring in a threesome or tie you up or something scary weird for your first time. Please let him go....you deserve better and will find better, you can only go up after being down with him! Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused44 Posted January 7, 2004 Author Share Posted January 7, 2004 I guess i wonder how he see's everything, i try and put myself in his shoes. My self esteem has taken quite a beating with him and sometimes i dont think i deserve better. Its funny because ifyou looked at me you wouldnt guess it. I mean i'm tall and quite pretty. A lot of guys are intimidated by me, because they see a strong confident woman, and i'm really not. I love my ex, because he could see the little girl inside me. What if he is just insecure himself. This is also just myside of the story. Imagine it from his end, he's an older guy and wants to just mess around. I fell too hard and too fast. A lot of people think my ex is just into games and he's never going to change, and part of me really believes that too. I also believe that everybody meets and is with the people they are with for a reason. There is a reason i've shared so much with him, and not some other guy. There is a reason i still hold on to him, instead of going out with these other guys. I guess my intial question got answered and that is that chances are he is not bi or gay. So does anybody have any thoughts on why he said no to having sex with me then. I finally was ready just have two years on and off....i mean really ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused44 Posted January 7, 2004 Author Share Posted January 7, 2004 As for the last reply, about new things such as threesomes. He's right into that. With his last two ex girlfriends before me, they actually all lived together for about six months. When he first told me i thought he was lying, but it turns out they fought over him and shared him for six whole months. See that makes it more confusing because it seems all he cares about is sex, but now that he can finally get that from me, he doesn't want it. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 I'm sorry, I can't really get into "why he won't have sex with you" when you've bought up all these other issues of how badly this guy treats you. He is way old enough to know better and I just think he's in a sexual league all his own and it doesn't sound like he wants a nice, sweet sexual relationship. You're self esteem has taken a beating (according to you) and the guys doesn't take any of your feelings into consideration and all you seem to be worried about is why he won't have you? Why do you want him? You are so above him in every way, it's like you are punishing yourself by wanting to stay with this guy and to give your virginity to him? Why? Don't you want someone that would be good to you, intune with your sexual needs and that would make "losing your virginity" a good experience?? I just don't think "black dildo, threesome dude" is going to make your experience anything but terrifying and your life NOTHING but a living hell! Try to break free from this guy...you'll get all kinds of support from us and I imagine alot of your friends and family!! I've reread the thread and it seems to me that you aren't in a relationship with this guy at all anymore? Am I correct? You're just trying to understand why he wouldn't have sex with you back when you were together?? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 I love my ex, because he could see the little girl inside me. So? Other people will do that. What if he is just insecure himself. Being insecure is NO reason to be insulting, selfish, and generally a jerk. In fact, very often, insecure people fall over themselves to be nice to you. Imagine it from his end, he's an older guy and wants to just mess around. I fell too hard and too fast. You have GOT to be kidding. Poor guy, only wants to mess around with young girls and some gal messes him up by falling for him. Yeah, that really is a story worthy of sympathy. A lot of people think my ex is just into games and he's never going to change, and part of me really believes that too. All of you should believe it. I also believe that everybody meets and is with the people they are with for a reason. There is a reason i've shared so much with him, and not some other guy. There is a reason i still hold on to him, instead of going out with these other guys. Sometimes the reason is to learn for yourself how much of yourself you can give up for 'love' and how stupid a thing that is to do. Sometimes the reason is to learn what not to do ever again. Sometimes the reason is to teach you what sorts of people you should avoid in the future. Ever think of that? Link to post Share on other sites
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